Atlanta Silverbacks To Employ 1 To 1 Security Presence For Fan Comfort

Atlanta, GA - The Atlanta Silverbacks ownership have announced that they will be employing a 1 to 1 security presence for fan comfort in the supporters group section at their upcoming games in light of the criticism they received about sending security into the stands to search for contraband alcohol.

"I'm just going to reach into your personal belongings here, and... oh... would you look at that... I found some Funyuns as well... I'm going to take those too."  photo: @ASFCTrust

"We decided that our few fans that show up in the supporters sections should be inconvenienced for their opinions on our policy and bringing in contraband beer," stated FD Dolleh, general manager of the Silverbacks. "We implemented a new policy that allows all of our supporters that attend Silverbacks games with their own personal security chapparone in order to cut down on shenanigans, beer drinking, ballyhoo and inappropriate behaviour in the stands."

Reportedly, this whole situation started when a Silverbacks fan snuck in a Redd's Apple Beer to the recent game and wouldn't share that beer with Mr Dolleh who stated, "It was then that I realized that they were undercutting the tiny margins that exist with running an NPSL side in the first place. And I'm not sure but I think we sell this stuff at the stadium," he paused at this point in the interview, pulled out his cell phone and called the front office to ask whether they sold beer at the stadium.

Our reporter spoke with Dick Everly, a Silverbacks fan, about this situation and he had the following to say, "They should just be happy they have any fans attending their games. It isn't like it's been easy to follow the team over the past few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sides come to an understanding that if you bring contraband beer to the game, the least you could do is share one with the general manager.

USOC Kicks Off Again As Fans Attempt To Remember Which Team Their Team Is Playing

With the United States Open Cup kicking off again on Tuesday night, fans of teams in the competition attempted to remember which team their team is playing

The 1999 Rochester Rhinos (Photo: TheCup.us)

As Major League Soccer teams begin entering the competition on this date, many fans are just now pulling themselves out of an international stupor to find that their club is now playing some club from the lower division just salivating at the chance to knock them out of the competition.

"Honestly, I'm not even certain if my club actually remembers they are playing tonight... wait..... is it tonight or tomorrow....," stated Revolution fan Isaac Presley. "I had to check around to see that we were playing the Railhawks, otherwise I wouldn't even know."

"We are playing the Wilmington Hammerheads?" stated Carla Estepor from Sandy, UT. "Are they any good this year? Do I know any of their players? What time is the game?"

Administrators state that hits to the 2016 bracket on TheCup.US spiked in the attempt of fans trying to learn which team their team is playing at what time and on which day.

"I'm hoping to ease myself back into actually caring about soccer like a kid gently dipping their toe into a pool," stated Seattle Sounders fan Joe Williams who is attending the Kitsap Pumas versus Sounders game. "At least this way I'll be ready for the next league game. I don't think my muscles have atrophied too much from not really doing anything for the past two weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some lower division team upsets an upper division team in front of a few thousand people.

High Copa America Ticket Prices Officially The Fault Of San Francisco Man

San Francisco, CA - When Hector Gomez started getting his friends into soccer he never realized that he single handedly would be to blame for allowing the US Soccer Federation to set absolutely absurd prices for the Copa America.

Hey look, a soccer fan.

"Frankly, It's absolutely sickening to think that all the hard work I did of getting my friends and neighbors into soccer has been repayed by $225 upper deck pricing for the United States game," stated Mr Gomez to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

Reportedly, Mr Gomez spent 30 years turning his friends and family onto soccer by carefully educating them and showing them games, tournaments and leagues. He attended as many games as he could that came to his state including his beloved Mexico and United States. He even cheered for the San Jose Earthquakes alongside his beloved Cruz Azul in Liga MX and had plans to attend the United States game in Seattle.

"To see all the hard work that we, as fans, have done building this sport squandered by a greed soaked US Soccer Federation and Copa America is something I didn't think I would live to see. The fact that tickets have become so expensive in such a short amount of time just shows that Americans running soccer only know how to over commercialize something and then price it to death."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez has been turned off more and more by this customer fleecing at the international level, but his joy for the game itself, remains.

"I still love futbol and I will always love futbol. I just don't have to love the people that run futbol. And I'm not about to start arguing in favor of what makes the most money for them at the detriment of fans around the rest of the continent."

American Outlaws Start Gym And Fight Club For Russia 2018 Prep

Lincoln, NE - The American Outlaws have reportedly started a gym and fight club in preperation for the upcoming 2018 World Cup in Russia.

USA! USA! USA!

"It's our goal to show the Russians that we can fight with the best of them," stated 18 year old server administrator John Mikowski from Staten Island who spoke with an American Flag bandanna covering his face. "I've got two years to put on 100 pounds and learn how to fight on the street. It seems like a completely reasonable proposal."

Reportedly, the Outlaws are working not only on their physical fitness and fighting acumen, but as well their ability to take threatening photos as they have a photography school graduate from the Madison Media Institute heading up their new "How to look tough" classes which will help them compete with the Russian Hooligan firms recently pictured with their bloodied trophies from Euro 2016.

The Nutmeg News spoke with American Outlaws media handler Davis Navan about this new program and he had the following to say.

"We understand the expectation that we are the best because we come from the best country and we have outlaw in our name. We plan on defending our constitution and the declaration of Independence, which the commie Russians have yet to acknowledge."

According to Mr Navan, the Outlaws have developed their own technique of martial arts that has levels renamed from descriptors like Crane Style to patriotic standards appropriate to the Outlaws mystique.

"We developed a new martial arts methodology that we call REGIME CHANGE. Our levels are as follows

Level 1: Rocky 1: First Blood

Level 2: WOLVERINES!

Level 3: The Bay Of Pigs

Level 4: The Alamo

Level 5: Viet-Fucking-Nam

That's RIGHT! REGIME CHANGE!!! STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY, SIR!! The Outlaws will win the fight like General Lee won Antietam with Generals Bo and Luke Duke."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The American Outlaws prepare to bring their World Cup Allocation of drunken fans in flag capes with Back-To-Back World War Champ t-shirts to the streets of Moscow in 2018.

Fan There To Support Regardless Of The Style Or Results Really Tired Of The Results And Style

Jacksonville, FL - Despite stating multiple times that he will continue going to Jacksonville Armada games regardless of the style of play or results, Armada fan Brandon Farver has publicly stated, "I'm getting really, really, really tired of these losses and this style of play."

I can't NOT go to the games... Look... they are hanging sold signs on the seats! WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.

Reportedly, the conflict with his previously stated ethos came when the Armada lost their 5th game of the 10 game spring season to the Ottawa Fury by a score of 1-0. 

Mr. Farver was found in front of his television shaking his head and repeatedly stating, "Someone... ANYONE... This is getting really exhausting. It almost makes someone not want to even go out to the freaking stadium to watch this crap. WILL SOMEONE ON THIS FREAKING TEAM SCORE A FREAKING GOAL."

The disconnect to his previously unshakable, "I positively support the team no matter what happens" ethos came as no surprise to Mr. Farver's friend Joyce Kenniworth of Fruit Cove. 

"I told him that he needed to be flexible. That sometimes teams play well and sometimes they play poorly and that when they play poorly... he might not want to actually go watch them play. He was bound and determined to be all blustery about showing up to every game and cheering on the Armada, though."

Reportedly, Mr. Farver made a deal with himself after the 1-1 draw against Tampa Bay that he wouldn't let the Armada hurt him again, but that he would go to games with a renewed cynicism that allows him to simultaneously support his club while expecting their failure at every level.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Farver at the end of the Fall season.

Missed Handball Direct Sign Of Lack Of Promotion And Relegation In United States

Experts around the country, today, agreed that the missed handball call in the recent Peru versus Brazil game was a direct sign of the lack of promotion and relegation in the United States.

Photo: AP

"This is a travesty," stated Sloan Kimberly, director of the Promotion and Relegation Is The Cause or Result or Sympton of Everything Foundation. "If Promotion and Relegation was in place, the handball would have been called, Brazil would advance, the stadiums in the United States would have been full, Canada would have made the Copa America and we would see a better standard of refereeing. Of this there is no doubt."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Harry Hannover, a Brookins Institute fellow, about this issue and he had the following to say.

"It is absolutely without a shadow of a doubt the symptom of a lack of promotion and relegation that we continue to have these problems. The anthem difficulties, the advertising kerfuffle with Adidas, these are all symptoms from the same rotten fruit. That is, a lack of promotion and relegation. If this is put in place, the tournament would nestle warm in the bosom of the United States and suckle upon the teat of royalty and all of man and woman alike would frolic in the endearing embrace of the Copa America."

While many self-fashioned experts conclude on this, others are doubtful as a random man at the Goddard Space Flight Center stated, "You are all clinically insane and I have to ask you to leave."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ills of society fall squarely upon the shoulders of a lack of promotion and relegation.

Not Content With Just MLS, Pro Referees Decide To Ruin International Tournament

Foxboro, MA - Not content with ruining Major League Soccer games and the CONCACAF Champions League, Pro Referees, today, attempted to ruin an international tournament, for fun.

I'm here.... TO SCREW THINGS UP!

"Fuck it," stated Jair Marrufo as he handed Chile the win late in the game. "I stopped caring years ago."

Reportedly, Pro Referees decided that they would officiate the Copa America to the same horrible standards that they referee Major League Soccer games in order to show that while they are utterly awful at refereeing, that at least they are consistent.

"Look, if we were better at our job we wouldn't be in the United States," stated Marrufo as he live tweeted the end of the game. "Don't care about the result #yolo #NotEvenWatchingAnymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marrufo gives no statement to the press and forgets the game even happened.

Man Absolutely Certain That Player He Didn't Know About Til 5 Minutes Ago Is Future USMNT Star

LOS ANGELES - After seeing news that USMNT U-23 winger Jerome Kiesewetter has joined Fortuna Dusseldorf, US Soccer fan Mark Thomas boldly declared Kiesewetter the future of the US Men's National Team.

Picture From Here: http://www.empireofsoccer.com/usmnt-winger-jerome-kiesewetter-joins-fortuna-dusseldorf-49376/

"He is absolutely the future!" stated Mr Thomas to The Nutmeg News. "I've never seen him play and don't know anything about him at all but I predict that he is the next Darlington Nagbe or Christian Pulisic."

Reportedly, Mr Thomas is already planning a campaign of hyping up the youngsters talents and has started shopping for his kit to add to his collection of future international stars which includes his Bolton kit for Stuart Holden, his Freddy Adu Benfica kit, and his Landon Donovan Bayer Leverkusen throwback.

"I can't wait to see him holding the World Cup up in 2018. This is going to be great," proclaimed Thomas on Facebook.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas forgets he made this purchase and wonders who the hell ordered a Kiesewetter Dusseldorf kit.

Proper Hooligan Plans MLS Firm Punch Up After He Finishes Updating Nginx Server To 1.10.1

Denver, CO - Proper hooligan, Dale Jeffers, has stated that he plans on planning a scheduled fight between Major League Soccer firms just as soon as he finishes updating his Nginx server to the current release of 1.10.1.

"This is for my club and my city!"

"We are going to have a right proper punch up!" stated Jeffers to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Just as soon as I document all these "CreateFile() failed" errors that were generated when I started creating temporary files on Windows. Fortunately, according to the Nginx change log, when I update all the way to 1.10.1 that will fix all these bugs and then we are GOING TO HAVE A RIGHT SCRUM IN THE STREETS IN OUR BEST SHELL SUITS AND TRAINERS!"

Jeffers and fellow administrators that coordinate Sharepoint and Salesforce implementations belong to a Rapids firm by the name of "The Hard Boyz Of IT" which have it out for any firms coming into the Rapids territory that think they can take over their city and appropriately configure a scaled server in a cloud environment without client downtime.

"Motherfuckers be TRIPPING if they think they can come into the Rapids territory with their gnu distros," stated Salesforce admin specialist Yancey Harbottle. "I'll straight tell them to shut down their servers and then we will have a broken bottle fight up and DOWN Commerce City about the differences of our soccer teams."

According to sources within the underground MLS fight scene, the Hard Boyz Of IT have challenged the Pepe Meme Ultras of San Jose to a server load times rumble and bats only match in the parking lot next to the rec soccer fields next to Dick Sporting Goods Park.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the meet up is cancelled due to a lack of grounded power outlets in the area.

Soccer Fan Uncomfortable With How Much They Miss Their Team Playing

Salt Lake City, UT - "I never thought I would miss seeing my team this much," stated Real Salt Lake fan Stephanie Halmon. "Just the fact that I'll get to go to a game soon is the most exciting thing that's happened in the last two weeks."

"When do I get to go home? I don't care about Klinsmann, Dempsey or Panama. I just need RSL." - Stephanie Halmon

Reportedly, Ms. Halmon used to care about all the international tournaments and her world would stop when the USA would play. However, recently she noticed a distinct amount of apathy around the international game that started happening when she became more invested in Real Salt Lake.

"I don't particularly like the league, I don't watch the other teams in it very much, and I never watch the eastern conference, but I miss my club something fierce," stated Ms. Halmon to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I miss seeing my friends. I miss the way the stadium feels when RSL scores a goal. I miss hearing the drums and seeing the field and smelling the concessions. Suddenly, I'm distinctly missing finding out that Didier Drogba won't play on turf, or that Major League Soccer came up with some new rule for LA to sign Pele to a development contract. I just don't find myself caring the same way about the US team or the Copa America or any of the silly stuff that goes along with international tournaments. I just want Beckerman back, and Yura putting goals back in the net."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Halmon admits that she is looking forward to the United States being knocked out so that Beckerman will get home safe.

5 Click Bait Photos With A Click Bait Title That Indicates Something About Soccer!

5 Click Bait Photos as we write a click bait title that indicates something about soccer reflective of some hot button topic currently raging on twitter.

All photos will be on their own individual page requiring you to click from one to the next so that you never make it to #5 because by the time you make it to #3 the site has basically stopped working due to all the ads.

#1 Some terrible summation about Cascadia

We start with Cascadia because this way we will get more views. The Timbers fans will claim we ignored them, and the Sounders fans will use this as a way to feel superior to their counterparts and we will ignore the Whitecaps because most publications simply don't have time to write about Canada. The copyright for the photo is in the lower right but since we got this on wikipedia we will just skip that whole deal because no one is getting paid from this piece that contributed to it, just like the SB Nation blogs that intentionally utilize unpaid amateurs for content without giving anything to them but some slight publicity and a way to spew out the things that bother them.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FEATURING SKIMPY MODELS SELLING SOMETHING --

#2 NWSL

 (ANDREW YATES/AFP/GETTY IMAGES)

We now post a picture and some blurb about the growth of the NWSL, but featuring Alex Morgan in a USWNT kit because that allows our website to feel like it is catering to equality while appealing for all the followers of Morgan's cult of celebrity and the weird people who over sexualize her to click on the link. It's important for this picture and description to follow the aforementioned skimpy model advertisement as a perfect show of the hypocrisy of our website. We will defray this controversy by claiming, "WE DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER THE CONTENT OF OUR ADVERTISEMENTS," even though we obviously do.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR PYRAMID SCHEME -

#3 AO!

You love them, you hate them! We make a comment about them! We generalize! Flag Cape Bros spouting racial slurs! Either Way! CLICK CLICK CLICK!

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR OUR OWN CLOTHING LINE --

-- DOUBLE ADVERTISEMENT FOR CLOTHING LINE ON SEPARATE PAGE REQUIRING YOU TO CLICK TWICE PAST IT --

#4 NASL

Here is where we talk about the NASL for five seconds even though we never really consistently cover them outside of this click bait article. We also incorrectly use a graphic featuring teams that are no longer in existence. This, in and of itself, generates traffic from outraged fans that tell us "YOU HAVE THE WRONG GRAPHIC". 

We leave the graphic up for that simple reason alone.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR TERRIBLE BEER --

#5 PRO/REL FOR USA CONSPIRACY THEORY

We use a picture from England and the Wimbledon situation because it is more authentic and it evokes a culture desperate to be aped in North America. We throw out controversial statements and pitch a conspiracy theory that isn't in any way true but sounds comforting. Without directly stating that we support Promotion and Relegation we frame an argument theoretically supporting both having it and not so that we don't get in trouble. This simple thing alone drives traffic to tell us how wrong we are from both sides of the argument.

We also use the word Football only on this particular photo.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR OUR CLOTHING LINE AGAIN --

ABRUPT ENDING LEAVING YOU FEELING DEEP LEVELS OF DISSATISFACTION

Date Clears Hurdle Of Meeting Soccer Family

Tampa Bay, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan Charlotte Gideon admitted that her date cleared the hurdle of meeting her soccer family and that the possibility of a second date at a game is likely after a successful outing at the recent Tampa Bay - Ottawa Fury game on June 4th.

Photo: COLIN O'HARA

"He did ok," stated Ms. Gideon to The Nutmeg News. "He even managed to sing a bit, although he awkwardly messed up the lyrics."

Reportedly, Mr Thomas Kurtz of St. Petersburg was unsure what Ms. Gideon meant when she stated, "I'd like you to meet my family," before heading to the soccer game, but he had a decent time despite not being a soccer fan.

"I didn't really know she was into soccer THAT much," stated Mr Kurtz. "It was really surprising. I met all these people and Charlotte really seemed to know, well, everyone. It was pretty intimidating. There were these guys that were ultra protective of her and everyone around me was singing and yelling and chanting. They had all these rituals and superstitions. It felt like I was getting indoctrinated or something. Hell, I thought I was meeting her mom and dad. "

Mr Kurtz was spotted having a good time around the 77th minute, but friends of Ms Gideon aren't convinced.

"He didn't buy a scarf, he wasn't drinking in the second half and I caught him texting while the boys were attacking. This relationship is absolutely doomed, mark my words," stated Armando Gueverra, friend of Ms Gideon for the past three years. "I predict three months before he gets dumped because he asks her if they have to go to every game or if they can do something different for once."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Gideon sets her relationship status on Facebook to "It's complicated."

American Outlaws Suggest Changes To American Flag

CHICAGO - The American Outlaws unveiled a political T.I.F.O display suggesting that the current United States flag needs to change, on Tuesday, during the United States - Costa Rica Copa America game.

It's the famous Red, Red, White, Red, ending on white combination! Even Canadians know that how the flag looks!

Oh. Right.

"Bro, the flag is like old shit now. We need new shit," stated American Outlaws Public Relations officer Dudebro LeBucknaked, clearly an alias given to our reporter on the scene. 

"It's been the same for like... um... a thousand years or something? I mean, like we need to give a shout out to our bros who like double red. It's, like, double awesome! And if you don't like double red, you can get the hell out!"

When asked whether the basic premise for creating a T.I.F.O display of a flag would be getting it right, the AO representative said, "Hell no! Just because you are showing your flag that literally thousands of people have draped around their shoulders as reference doesn't mean you have to get it right! DID COLUMBUS HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT? Hell no. He just showed up and did shit. Let's all get behind the mighty blue white red, red and lift them to victory. Fuck Klinsmann though, bro."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people modify their flag capes to include the double red bars.

Journalist Admits To Lingering Over Adjective That Would Accurately Describe Angel Di Maria's Performance

San Francisco, CA - Journalist Paul Dennis admitted that he lingered and debated over the appropriate adjective that would accurately describe Angel Di Maria's performance against Chile in Argentina's 2-1 win.

"Are you sure we are at the right stadium? I mean the crowds look right, but the goalposts don't say soccer. Then again, this is the United States."

"It's difficult," stated Dennis to The Nutmeg News. "I had an entire post game recap all written up in a typical boilerplate fashion that dictates exactly who did what and how, but I'm was lingering upon my decision as to the appropriate adjective to describe Di Maria's performance. This situation really offers me the only opportunity to stray away from my typically boilerplate post game recap."

According to inside sources at the stadium press box, Dennis fluctuated between ebullient, effervescent, emotive, ardent, electrifying, impassioned and incandescent as descriptive words to use in an otherwise utterly boring post-game recap.

"It was a toss up, and this was the only thing that would separate my piece from any other post game piece written in the death throws of the game while everyone is trying to hurriedly finish their outlines in the press box and get back to the hotel to spend their per diem on gin at the bar."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone reading Mr Dennis' piece glosses over the adjective after checking out of his story after one sentence and forgetting the recap was even open in their browser.

NWSL Announce Expanded Academies

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) today announced the expansion of local academies for a select number of teams in the league with the intent of having all 10 teams with academies by 2018.

Commissioner of the league, Jeff Plush, stated that it was his intention to have the academy league changed to not only grow the game and the players, but to prepare them for the challenges that the NWSL will pose for their career.

"We will be combining not only soccer skills but an overall approach to teaching," stated Plush to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "We will have quality instruction from our coaches and individual instruction from goalkeeping coaches. However, we will also have financial classes such as, 'How To Live On $1 A Day' and 'Break Room Food, Enough Calories To Survive?' Both of these are already popular with our current players, so we believe that our upcoming players will benefit greatly from them."

Reportedly, the NWSL academies will also have the following classroom courses alongside the instruction in play.

Utilizing Social Media 101: Gain Fans, Followers, And A Modeling Career

Best Secondary Careers With Your Four Year Liberal Arts Degree

Balancing Schedules 201: Train, Play And Work Three Jobs

Train Hopping For Dummies: How To Move Across Country With No Money In Your Bank Account

10 To A Room: A Definitive Guide To Living In A City

Outdoor Cafes: Source Of Food or Source Of Disease?

Living With A Host Family: How A Retirement Home Will Do!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Academy system comes to life as a pay-to-play system where young women have a pipeline as long as they have money that they aren't going to make by playing in the league in the first place.

FOX To Air Disclaimer Before USMNT Matches

FOX, today, announced that they will be airing a pre-game disclaimer similar to the one that Univision used to note the usage of potentially objectionable language before the Mexico - Uruguay game. The Nutmeg News has obtained a copy of what will air prior to USMNT matches.

According to sources within the FOX network, the broadcast team decided to add this after repeated viewings of the United States team attempting to play soccer against Colombia lead to a number of people complaining about the result.

"Too many people claimed that we didn't give a trigger warning as to the level of soccer quality Fox would be broadcasting," stated John Entz, president of Fox Sports. "Whether it's Klinsmann, the players, the system, or just simply the inability of a country to create a winning team... we felt it behooved us to put this out there in advance of the next game in order to stave off the complaints.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people on twitter express outrage at the disclaimer designed to stem outrage.

All National Anthems At Copa America To Be Replaced With Star Spangled Banner

The organization group of the Copa America tournament has announced that all future national anthems for participating nations in the tournament will be replaced by the Star Spangled Banner in order to, "get these nations used to the anthem."

"So.... um...... what the hell is this?"

After the snafu of playing the Chilean national anthem for the Uruguay national team, The Nutmeg News spoke to the head of Stadium Event Staff working the game.

"Uruguay, Paraguay... um.... Chileguay... it was some kind of guay," stated Patrick Stevenson of Glendale, Arizona. "All I was told was to play an anthem, and all the names of these teams are confusing. Hell, I get confused trying to spell Tucson right. Plus, I've been told we are switching the way we do these things in the future."

According to inside sources, a meeting was held with the US Soccer Federation regarding all future national anthems at the Copa America and the two options pitched to fix the problem were to either play Pitbull's Superstar on repeat or to just play the anthem of the United States.

Reportedly a third option of, "play the right national anthem for the right national team" was dismissed on the grounds of being too complicated.

"We just decided to play the Star Spangled Banner for every nation in the Copa America.... They might as well get used to it," stated Sunil Gulati, president of the US Soccer Federation. "I mean, c'mon. Who really cares if we insult the nation of Uruguay. We are still working, for all the millennials out there, on getting Becky G and Pitbull to perform before the final game of the tournament #REGIMECHANGE #YOLO #FLYLIKEANEAGLE."

Area Man Absolutely Begs To Be Overcharged For Games He Doesn't Care About

Kansas City, KS - Soccer fan Carl Quincy practically begged, on Twitter, to be overcharged and surcharged to death as he claimed, "Why don't they bring those Copa America games to a place that would sell out."

TAKE ALL MY MONEY! 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Quincy about his feelings and he stated the following.

"We have great support here. We always sell out for the United States. Take the games away from Chicago, and give Kansas City a shot. We would absolutely sell out the stadium for a 90 degree mid-afternoon game featuring Venezuela and Jamaica that was priced like Argentina and Brazil were playing."

Reportedly, Mr Quincy was so adament about his belief that Kansas City would sell out their stadiums for the Copa America that he took to twitter to proclaim that belief stating, "Bring the Copa America here! Let's show Chicago and California what REAL support looks like"

When asked what his definition of real support is, Quincy stated, "Paying any amount of money for tickets, parking and concessions to watch two teams that you don't care anything about just because a tournament you didn't even know existed 10 years ago has come to town."

Quincy finished his statement by screaming,"I AM A WALKING ATM. DRAIN ME OF MY MONEY!"

Copa America To Implement Cover Charge For On Time Entry

CHICAGO - The Copa America and the marketing wing of the US Soccer Federation (USSF) and Soccer United Marketing (SUM) announced that they were ready to implement a new innovation in ticketing for the rest of the tournament after their massive success in the stands.

Look at all the PEOPLE (willing to pay for overpriced tickets) Chicago: Venezuela - Jamaica

From the twitter account of @mdwojak94

"We are ready to implement our new standard for ticketing for the Copa America that will change the world. We call this the Copa America Cover Charge," stated Steve Bilko, director of ticket sales for Copa America.

"We are going to offer priority entry to the stadium for those willing to pay an additional cover charge. If you don't pay the cover charge your entry will be delayed until after the game you are attending has kicked off. Frankly, we can't believe that 20,000 people were willing to pay our ticket prices in the first place. Now that we just proved that people will pay nearly any amount for tickets, we are going to implement our Copa America Cover Charge."

Fans will, reportedly, be delayed in a queue outside the stadium for entry to ensure that they are dressed appropriately for entry. All bags will be measured to ensure that they fit the parameters and a bouncer will permit or deny entry to the stadium at kickoff based on sexiness, instagram followers, credit worthiness, and overall celebrity status. Twitter account followers will not be an acceptable form of proof of celebrity unless over 1 million followers.

Fans can skip the queue into the stadium by paying an additional $20 ($50 for Mexico and $75 United States games) to enter the stadium before the game kicks off. Otherwise entry will be reserved for fans as space opens up in the stadium.

"This is the event of the century," stated Sunil Gulati, the president of the US Soccer Federation. "As such, we will treat it like an event. We are going to offer premium bottle service for tables, hostesses that can interface with our concierge staff and the half time show will be a Major Lazer foam party. As we say, the games may be shit, but the Copa America is going to be LIT."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ticket prices rise again.