US Men's National Team Fan Vows Revenge Against Columbia

NEW YORK - Every-Four-Years soccer fan Henry Hardinger has reportedly vowed revenge against "Columbia" after watching the United States Men's National Team lose against the nation of Colombia on Friday evening in the opening game of the Copa America.

Now you know why James is so good. His matriculation was on fleek.

"Columbia has to pay for this disgrace," stated Hardinger on his Facebook page. "We are the greatest nation in the world and by god, our boys playing soccer are the best players in the world because they come from here. It's all the Columbians fault, them and Klinsmann!"

Hardinger's outrage quickly ran down from his frontal cortex into his arms moving quickly past his elbows and into his fingers bypassing any sort of spell check that would save him from the quick derision of his obvious mistake.

"WE DIDNT HAVE ANY ANSWERS AND KLINSMANN OUT" ranted Hardinger as he tried to understand a comment left on his page by his friend, and requisite troll, Darren Brighton who stated, "Yeah, and we even let them have a campus here and everything."

Reportedly drunk off of 15 Budweisers and having consumed an entire plate of nachos and three hot dogs, Hardinger spent the rest of the late night ranting on his twitter account about a Columbia Campus being built in our back yard and how President Trump is gonna fix all this stuff by closing our borders to people who want to educate our soccer enemies.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a drunk Mr Hardinger pleads with alumni associations on Facebook to stop sending money to support "the Columbians, cause they are good enough at soccer to begin with."

FIFA! Corruption! Blatter! Gulati! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

FIFA Headquarters, LOCATION FILLER - blah blah swiss authorities blah blah invade office blah blah evidence of blah blah millions.

This photoshop was randomly found online.

Bow before Bendtner.

blah blah blah years of allegations. blah blah blah.

blah blah blah step down

blah blah blah investigation

blah blah blah Sunil Gulati

blah blah blah Infantino

FINANCIAL IMPROPRIETY

BLAH

BLAH

BLAH

TNN will blah blah as blah blah.

"Did A Children's Author Die?" - Google Doodle Confuses Majority Of Americans

Citing their inability to understand basic graphics, the vast majority of Americans were shocked and confused by today's Google Doodle as the company celebrated the beginning of the Copa America in Google fashion.

"Honestly, I thought maybe a children's author died, and then I thought... man that looks like... um... art deco... or something, so maybe Ayn Rand died?" stated Leonard Haldees of Albuquerque, New Mexico. "Like, um, did she eat it and now they are like celebrating Jacob's Ladder or whatever the hell she wrote. Tim Robbins, man, great flick. We are talking about the symbology of classic American horror movies in my Comparative Psychology in Movies class at the community annex. Anyway, I don't know aaaaaaaaaand I don't care."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Janelle Gregory of Wilmington, Delaware about the Google Doodle and she was equally confused.

"Fuck COPA! (COPA is Spanish for police, right?). It's red versus blue. It's an allegory for the battle of the police state and the fight for rights, yes? Copa America is that symbol of the upcoming class war in the streets. Fuck Copa! Fuck Sopa! Let's burn it all down!"

As well, The Nutmeg News field reporters spoke to Dan Ortega of San Angelo, Texas about the Copa America.

"I'm more into Nutrientology. Like homeopathy and stuff. The doodle is clearly man battling his inner self to attempt to self actualize back to nature where he can obtain pure nutrient vitamins and self healing. We all must reconnect with mother nature and accept our mortality. We all must sip from the sacred roots. Shamans in Bolivia have stones that can cure cancer. This is all on Bayer who is concealing the healing power of crystals to boost Aspirin sales."

Finally The Nutmeg News spoke to Vinny LaValle of Hoboken, New Jersey who stated.

"Nobody....and I mean NOBODY... cares about soccer. Go Jets. J.E.T.S. JETS.

Fuck Brady."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue to survey the wilds of America.

Man Suddenly 1/23rd Argentinian As Copa America Kicks Off

Cincinnati, OH - Local soccer fan and FC Cincinnati supporter Deryk Williams shocked friends with his reveal that he is actually 1/23rd Argentinian as the Copa America kicks off today.

Shaun Botterill/Getty Images AsiaPac

"I never knew Deryk was Argentinian," stated good friend Sandra Blevens. "It's pretty amazing and coincidental that he would reveal this on the day that the Copa America kicks off, but I guess if he wants to support the team of his ancestors, that's ok."

Reportedly, this whole thing started when Mr. Williams realized that he was going to need another team to support in the Copa America that isn't the United States and somehow contains the best player in the world. Mr. Williams took to studying his family tree, genealogy, ship manifests, immigration records for Ellis Island, and even the lineage of his 10th cousin once removed great cousins who may have known his maternal great-great-great-grandmother. 

He's even gone so far to trace his heritage to Paraguay. "Anything to avoid supporting a team anchored by a Stoke player," as he stated to The Nutmeg News.

"I need adventure in my life. I need swashbuckling beauty in soccer. I need drama and a long run in an international tournament. None of this is going to come from the United States. As it turns out, I'm 1/23rd Argentinian so I'm fulling rooting for Messi and La Albiceleste in this one. If they get knocked out I'm jumping onto Paraguay, Chile or Brazil with both feet. God, imagine having to root for a team with Geoff Cameron and the injured hamstrings of Jozy Altidore on it. NOPE!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Williams drives to the local convenience store to see if they have any of that Guayaki Yerba Mate.

"Anne Of Green Street Hooligans" Story Enthralls Youth And Adult Alike

Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island - A new sequel, reworked for a modern audience, in the Anne Of Green Gables story has been capturing and enthralling adults and children alike as an upcoming reading on Prince Edward Island finished to capacity crowd for the new Anne Of Green Street Hooligans book.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain an excerpt from the book and our arts and entertainment reporters have been able to confirm that the book has been optioned into an upcoming movie.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 2: Matthew Cuthbert Is Not Surprised of the new bestseller: Anne of Green Street Hooligans

In my day, there was nothing else to do that came close to it. No Xbox, internet, theme parks or horse riding eight miles to Bright River. Football was one of the only hobbies available to young, working-class kids, and at the football, you were either a hunter or the hunted like Matthew Cuthbert taught me years ago.

I became a hunter. I looked for trouble and found it by the lorry load, as there were literally thousands of like-minded kids desperate for a weekly dose of it. Like a heroin addict craves for his needle fix or an orphan craves a family, our fix was football violence.

There were times when I thought to myself, give it up. Usually when I was in court, looking at another jail sentence—or, on one occasion, when I stood alongside a mate who was clutching his side, preventing his kidney from spewing out of his body after being slashed wide-open when things came on top in Manchester.  His blood and viscera reminded me of my hair. Oh my hair.

"Yes, it's red," I said resignedly. "Now you see why I can't be perfectly happy. Nobody could who has red hair. I don't mind the other things so much--the freckles and the green eyes, my skinniness or the guy whose face I smashed in with my trainer at the Asda when he said that West Ham is shit. I can imagine them away. I can imagine that I have a beautiful rose-leaf complexion and lovely starry violet eyes. But I cannot imagine that red hair away."

While some parents have been taken aback by the strong language and adult situations of the new Anne of Green Street Hooligans, children are reportedly in love and it shows with a new uptick in the purchase of Sergio Tacchini track tops for girls ages 12 and under. 

"I want to be just like Anne when I grow up," stated 11 year old Georgina Rust. "Roaming the fields and streams with a horse and figuring out life and taking down loads of piss drunk Chavs in the streets with a bats only meet before busting up the old bill. God, what a life."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we are able to obtain further excerpts from Anne of Green Street Hooligans

Man Watches Conor Casey Red Card Replay 10 Times To Try To Figure Things Out

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Kevin Short admitted that he watched the replay of the Conor Casey red card decision roughly 10 times in order to try to figure out what the hell happened last night that caused his dismissal.

Hey Keegan Rosenberry! WE SEE YOU!

"There has to be something there," mumbled Short under his breath. "There has to be something there. I'm a reasonable guy. I don't chant things against the referee. I admit that they have a tough job. I understand how difficult it can be to see every little thing; but I looked 10 times in a row and 10 times in a row I'm still very confused."

Reportedly, Short thought he had a bead on the issue, then realized he didn't, and then by the 10th time he watched the replay of the incident all the way through he was fully confused and back to just hating both the referee and Conor Casey.

"While I know this is the referee's fault, I'm also certain that this is really somehow Casey's fault. Good grief, why on earth did we pick him up?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Short goes to work only to immediately be asked, "What was up with that red card?" by his friend Roger.

Chicago Fire In Talks To Cut Ties With Designated Player Dumpster Fire

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire are reportedly starting talks aimed at buying out the designated player Dumpster Fire that acquired a perpetual place in their lineup after being traded there in 2010.

The Chicago Fire designated player dumpster fire, in better days.

"Well, the old regime acquired Dumpster Fire back in 2010 and gave it renewed options in 2012, twice in 2013, 2014 and then in 2015, and somehow it just didn't ever seem to work out." stated Nelson Rodriguez, General Manager of the Fire. "So, we are just re-evaluating if it is possible for us to stop re-signing Dumpster Fire to a new contract extension nearly every single year."

Reportedly, the Fire have spent over 1 million dollars on Dumpster Fire just this season and have rarely seen the Dumpster Fire contribute anything to the lineup that reflects the amount of money it has been given over the last six years. 

"Why I remember reading news stories of Dumpster Fire back in 2010 when it made over a million dollars," stated Fire fan Ralph Bollingbrook. "However, it never panned out. The crazy part was that the Fire organization kept signing Dumpster Fire to contract extensions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as swirling rumors of a buyout coalesce.

Journalist Realizes Current Soccer Zeitgeist Is Ready For Pay-To-Play Story He Wrote Three Months Ago

BOSTON - Soccer Journalist Zach Redding realized that today's soccer zeitgeist of stories about US Soccer's fundamentally broken youth system is perfectly ripe for a long form story he wrote on the AYSO and pay-to-play that didn't do particularly well three months ago.

Artist Interpretation

"NOW IS THE TIME TO POUNCE," stated a highly caffeinated Redding as he quickly scanned through his archives for the story URL so that he could re-tweet it back out to the world. "I'm gonna finally get some eyes on this thing that I funded, investigated and researched on my own time."

Reportedly, Redding actually took time from his busy schedule of re-writing The 10 Best Beach Bods In The Premier League to investigate the current United States pay-to-play system and the implications of it on a nation from an soccer ethos and racial perspective only to have the story languish on a long form site for 3 long months til now.

"My time has come," gloated a shaking Redding as he quickly copied the link into his twitter status. "Finally, I'll get some credit for something other than Top 20 Premier League WAGS."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Redding realizes he missed the peak moment to re-tweet his story as 26 other long form stories popped up while he was searching for the URL.

Brand Asset Forgets To Thank Full List Of Sponsors And Financial Benefactors At End Of U-12 Game

San Francisco, CA - Brand asset and AYSO scholarship recipient Jonas Gutierrez was reportedly reprimanded at the end of his recent U-12 soccer game for Almaden FC Barcelona East Bay Tottenham Hotspur Elite Pro Royal Area SC for forgetting to thank the mandatory list of financial sponsors and scholarships that allowed him to play for the $5,000 per semester travelling California youth soccer team.

"Run down there, score that goal and don't forget to thank your sponsors and financial benefactors."

The Nutmeg News spoke to program director Isaac Stevenson about the Gutierrez misstep.

"Well, Jonas came to us from our local, lower class parks soccer department with a sparkling resume and incredible monetization potential. We instantaneously recognized, in him, a massive potential to increase our goal and win count while simultaneously reaching our long standing diversity quotient.  He's basically a walking dollar sign, or peso sign should he really make it big! However, we repeatedly told Jonas that he needs to thank his sponsors, financial benefactors, and the parents of the child he replaced in the lineup every time he scores a goal as well as before and after every game," stated Mr. Stevenson

Reportedly the AYSO club became frustrated with the attitude of Gutierrez after the team suffered two straight losses, the kind that Jonas was supposed to prevent.

"We didn't pluck him from the slums of Fruitvale for nothing," stated Susan Jones, board member and vice president of the outreach program for Almaden FC Barcelona East Bay Tottenham Hotspur Elite Pro Royal Area SC.

"He was brought here to help our team and expand our brand into areas we can't reach in The Mission and Oakland. We are counting on there being parents who live in these areas who have less talented children and a boat load of money to afford our insane fees every few months; or scholarship worthy children who are extremely talented that we can monetize and capitalize on for our own selfish purposes of keeping the expensive international brand licensing of our team name, current."

Reportedly, Gutierrez has been warned that if he doesn't score, win and thank his financial benefactors in the next game that he will officially be on warning as the club have found another prospect who is only 10 years old named Juan Iribe.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jonas daydreams about playing a game with his friends where he just has fun.

Only Two More Months Til Woman Cares About MLS Results Again

Kansas City, KS - Caught in the doldrums of uninspired performances, Sporting Kansas City fan Devandra Smith stated that there are still two more months left til she truly starts caring about results in Major League Soccer again.

"11 points adrift from the top of the west having played one more and the 3rd worst points per game in the west? Wake me in September when this all shakes out."

"Yeah, we all get excited at the beginning of the season," stated Ms Smith to The Nutmeg News, "but as soon as we lose touch with the supporters shield it's just better to ride out the summer and pop back up with tempered expectations at the end of August into September."

Reportedly, Ms. Smith realized that she could hold out hope for a supporters shield challenge til about April or May, shut down expectations completely through June, July and most of August and then come back into the fanatical fold of living and dying with each win right in time for the push to the playoffs.

When asked about her coping strategy, Ms. Smith said that she plans on deriding most of her angst filled twitter timeline as noobs who haven't come to realize the glory that is apathetic indifference until August.

"It's not like I'm going to skip games, I just find that there's less of a reason to be bent out of shape if you win or lose when it all doesn't really matter right now. Eventually, Sporting will likely go on a winning streak and that will coincide with the push for the red line. When all you have left to play for in the league is making the playoffs, you have to readjust your perspective for that low bar. It's like being in a high jump where the bar is set just above knee high and you have 8 months to make it over. The team just needs jump a bit here or there over the next two months and get a nice hop in September and we will be good."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Smith's casual indifference betrays her in July when she has a bit too much to drink and yells profanities at the referees for 10 minutes following a blown call.

"You're Doing It Wrong" - Local Soccer Blogger Thinks You're The Worst

By Robert DeLeo for The Nutmeg News

Local Blogger Sam Davis has finally finished their manifesto titled, "You're Doing It Wrong" which details all the things that everyone involved in soccer is doing to piss off Davis at any one particular time.

Davis smashed the laptop used for publication of the manifesto because nothing that ever came out of it after the manifesto was published would be uniformly punctuated with as much truth. If you don't do that, you are doing it wrong, and you are the worst.

The blog post castigates everyone from every level of United States and Canadian Soccer including devotees of Major League Soccer, the USL, the NASL, the NPSL, the Canadian Premier League, the NCAA, the NAIA, Lacrosse Fans, people who casually watch Fort Lauderdale Strikers games, supporters groups, fans, casual fans, rich fans, poor fans, advocates for promotion and relegation, advocates against promotion and relegation, people who like Paul Pogba, people who read Soccernomics, the 10 fans who went to Atlanta Silverback games, statistical analysts, reporters, Brad Friedel's accent, investigative journalists, Alexi Lalas, people who hate on Alexi Lalas, people who make podcasts, people who write blog posts about soccer, and anyone who cheers harder than a polite guffaw at a sporting event because that means they are forcing it and shamelessly faking European culture.

"You. Are. Wrong.

and You're Doing It Wrong.

And Wow.

Just Wow.

You are THE WORST."

An excerpt from the first stanza of the emphatically punctuated and capitalized first salvo of the piece designed to hit straight to the heart of the matter that you are the problem and not Davis. Davis spoke to Nutmeg News reporter Robert DeLeo about the manifesto.

"I wanted to lay out the reasons," stated Davis before calling The Nutmeg News a pale imitation of other websites that is repetitive, hypocritical, isn't particularly funny and fails to make any point what so ever. 

"I needed to tell everyone that they are doing it wrong with more depth and spread than Twitter would allow. While Twitter gives me the scatter gun approach of telling total strangers, the blog will illuminate HOW they are doing it all wrong. You support a team in Major League Soccer, provide income to the league and ensure the continuity of the sport? DOING IT WRONG. You support a team in the NASL, provide income to that league and follow a team in England? DOING IT WRONG. You support your local NPSL team and don't really follow your international side? DOING. IT. WRONG. Do you sing songs that you stole from Chelsea or Galatasaray or Livorno? DOING. IT. WRONG. Everybody is doing it wrong, and they need to know. And I, the arbiter of all things because I'm on the internet, am here to tell you.... YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue to do it wrong.

NWSL Takes Two Week Break To Debate Making All Players Unpaid

While owners of various NWSL teams reported some victories and some very mixed messages with their recent, "Hot, fresh, young, amateur night" held at stadiums across North America this past weekend, the internal debate over paying players, at all, still rages on.

Theresa Diederich - A Sky Blue FC player for the past two seasons, she graduated from Alabama with 23 goals and 10 assists in 2014. Diederich was recently "called up" to the bench for Sky Blue as an Amateur player. In this way, Sky Blue FC and the NWSL were able to be a massive cheap-as-shit franchise and league and not pay her. Most would call this exploitative and predatory behavior from a league and team, they would be right.

PHOTO: From empire of soccer website: http://www.empireofsoccer.com/finishes-preseason-straight-33457/

A source in an ownership group spoke to The Nutmeg News on Monday evening and they had the following to say, "Given that fans don't seem to be entirely opposed to our recent Amateur call-ups, we would like to expand the program to the entire NWSL. The owners are already talking about paying players less or just mandating that the female players all play for the love of the game. It's one way to ensure that our teams become profitable on a quicker time frame."

Reportedly, NWSL ownership started talking about expanding the amateur scheme when fans seemed to just readily accept that the league couldn't or didn't want to pay players coming into the side due to major international absences.

"We were able to spin this about college eligibility, but honestly many of these women have already graduated college and are simply finding any reason to play the game they love. It's a perfect opportunity for us to take advantage of that love," stated an inside source with the NWSL. "It's like a shark swimming around a minnow. Do we need to ensure that allow minnows are fed? No. As long as we feed Alex Morgan and Tobin Heath and the kids get to scream their heads off, no one is going to care if the minnows are fed. At this point, we are going to see if we can slowly drop the minimum salary, while crushing the spirit of the low paid entry players and increase the subsidy for the International players, thereby allowing a massive wage gap that forces antipathy between the two sets of players and massive amounts of resentment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL expands the amount of Amateur players allowed on a team to 11 per side and increases the concessions in Portland and Orlando to cover the legal costs.

Soccer Blogger Brags Of His 900 Twitter Followers To His Two Disinterested Cats

Boulder, CO - "I could tell by the way he flexed his anus, that he was impressed," stated soccer blogger Thad Bartosky who reported that he finally was able to brag to his two disinterested cats that his Twitter account had 900 followers.

"Mew," -- Gertrude Bartosky

"He really got his ass right up in my face as I was lounging on my side, in bed, refreshing my twitter homepage to see if I hit 900," stated Bartosky. "Clearly he either wanted to be pet, fed, or he was really impressed with the numbers rolling over to 900."

According to his cats Leopold and Gertrude, when Mr. Bartosky started on his adventure of writing and tweeting what he thinks about soccer they didn't think he had a snowballs chance in hell of making it to 100 followers much less 900. However, both cats reported a massive amount of indifference to the situation as they licked themselves, yawned, rolled over into a sunbeam and fell asleep.

"These guys have been by my side through thick and thin," stated Mr Bartosky to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "They've brought me half eaten shrews, puked in the linen closet and idly played with my leg as a scratching post when they were bored and I was sitting at my desk writing an epic take down of Bob Bradley. It's been a hell of an adventure."

Gertrude, an American Shorthair cat, reportedly stated, "mew" when asked by The Nutmeg News about Mr. Bartosky's achievement. Upon further pressing about Mr. Bartosky's personal life that would allow him to get to 900 followers, Gertrude horked up a hairball and licked her paws before arching her back and jumping up to a window ledge.

"I tell you, this achievement in my life will be sung by all my cats," stated Mr Bartosky. "They shall know of my victories, and they shall know that their life inspires mine."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Leopold and Gertrude wonder where the hell the homemade food was that Mr Bartosky randomly promised he would make for them when he hit 900 followers.

Major League Soccer To Rename All-Star Game to Frank Lampard Memorial All-Star Game

NEW YORK - In honor of the deceased career of the long time Chelsea midfielder, Don Garber has announced that Major League Soccer (MLS) will rename the All-Star Game to the Frank Lampard Memorial All-Star Game Brought To You By Right Guard, Advocare, and Amway.

He was only 37! His career had a few days left in it, at most he could have given a few solid months!

"We felt that it was only right to honor the legend of soccer fanatic Frank Lampard as his career was tragically cut short in a transfer move to our league," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"We will also be adding a warm, empty, European body to the Frank Lampard Memorial All-Star Game roster in remembrance of our dearly departed Frank. This season that honor will go to Steven Gerrard, who currently inhabits the physical dimensions of a uniform for the Los Angeles Galaxy, I'll have you know."

Insider sources say that Lampard has taken to continually reminding people that he is not dead, but this doesn't deter the league which is pushing ahead in a way to market and brand their All-Star game as something with historical significance.

The Nutmeg News will have  more on this as Major League Soccer attempts to find a funeral parlor sponsorship that will allow them to expand their branding into living AND the dead.

Sweaty, Scarf Wearing Co-Worker Signals Arrival of Spring

San Jose, CA - As the ancient Druids once used the position of the Sun in the sky to mark the seasons, San Jose Earthquakes fan Simon Milligan provides a sign of the changing of the seasons for his co-workers at the corporate office for Mitchell Packaging.

Tip #1 You don't need to wear one when it's over 80 degrees.

“It’s like clockwork every time we get near the end of May.” says Tracie Burnam, head accountant for Mitchell Packaging. “Simon wears his scarves even when winter is over. As the spring days get warmer and warmer, he gets sweatier and sweatier walking into the office in the early morning sun.  By late May he’s a giant sweaty mess with disgusting pit stains at 6:45am and it’s then that we know spring is firmly underway and it’s time to plant my Azaleas.”

Tracie isn’t the only employee in the company to begrudgingly appreciate Simon.

“The first year he was working here,” says sales person Adam Ward, “there was a day when he had finally had enough of the heat and actually walked from his car to his desk without a shirt on but still wearing his scarf.  He was immediately called into HR and informed that it wasn’t appropriate work attire. He said that he had every intention to put a shirt on once he was at his desk and that it was just the walk across the parking lot where he got overheated.  They said no so it’s been sweatsville ever since.  Which is fine, because it reminds me that I only have 6 months left until Christmas and I’m a very early shopper. I like to get it out of the way.”

Some co-workers are more vocal about their distaste in Simon’s choices in seasonal attire.

“Once summer starts up,” says receptionist Carly Richards, “Simon really goes in for partying hard all weekend long. It’s even worse when there’s a game on Sunday because he come in Monday with eyes as red as his sunburnt and sweat covered skin.  A few of us have a little rhyme about it even: ‘Late May Sweat Glaze Bring June Booze Haze.’ It’s super gross.”

We asked Carly if Simon provided a marker for any other seasonal changes. “Well, I guess we can tell when fall is around the corner because he reeks so bad of beer sweats built up over the months that I can smell him before he even opens the second set of entry way doors. It’s really disgusting. He tries to tell us that it’s his scarf that smells and that he can’t wash it because it means they would lose.  Whatever. It’s gross. But, you know, at least I know that when I can smell him before I see him it’s time to start thinking about back to school shopping. “ 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Simon signifies the changing of Fall into Winter by wearing a Chelsea scarf he bought at the Sports Authority Going out of Business Sale.

Four Year Old's Effort Found Lacking In Recent Game

South Jordan, UT - Max Dombrovsky's effort throughout his youth soccer game was found severely lacking to all who watched as the four year old was booed off the field for his poor performance.

"THIS is the kind of effort we require, Max.

God, sometimes it's no wonder that your dad left for his other family in Harrisburg."

"I didn't drive all this way to watch someone sulk about the field and act like a little shit," stated Alice Gordon of Ogden who did, indeed, drive all that way to South Jordan watch the game. "Let's treat this game with the importance that it requires and give effort all the way through. What a little bastard."

Mr. Dombrovsky's effort was not only panned by his Aunt, but as well by neutral fans who watched the game through wine shuttered eyelids as they drunkenly encouraged their children to, "tucker yourself out."

"Yeah, that kid is a lazy piece of shit," stated Tomas Smith of West Jordan. "If I got a chance to be four years old and run around all day long without worrying about my mortgage, or bills, or that genital wart that I just found.... why I'd never STOP running. All that little bastard wants to do is pull flowers out in the corner. What. A. Dick."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Salt Lake Tribune gives Mr. Dombrovsky's efforts a 2 in their player ratings column.

Renowned Explorer Returns From Two Month Trip To Explore Ancient PATH Train

NEW YORK - Renowned explorer Jacque Villaneau has recently returned from his trip to explore the wild PATH train and the riches of the subcontinent that exist in the wild beyond the borders of Manhattan. The infamous explorer will host a reception at the legendary Explorers Club on 46 East 70th Street to discuss.

Mr Villaneau pictured here (bottom row, far left) with the first PATH Train Explorers Legion.

Mr. Villaneau has told this press that his 2 month trip to find the end of the PATH train lead him into the dark underbelly and historical riches of the subcontinent that others haven't even seen before which include ritualistic sports, bizarre accents and language, and a massive arena that houses thousands of men which is located towards the end of the line.

"The massive arena rises out of the mist of the wild-lands of the Jersey like a mighty obelisk of doom," stated Mr. Villaneau to a collection of slack jawed East Village baristas. "Within this frightening structure they play a sport that requires the men they have collected from many areas to kick an inflated spheroid without requiring the use of their hands, a version not too dissimilar to the game we play in our stadiums for Base Ball."

Mr. Villaneau has collected and printed an album of black and white photo-graphs that he plans on displaying in a well lit, white painted room on thin twine so as to give them an ethereal feel in hopes that the setup of pictures, room and twine will pull the viewer into the rustic nature of the photos.

"This is to show everyone what these savages are doing out in the wastelands beyond our borders. Certainly I feared for death when exploring the PATH System, but I have returned victorious with pictures to boot. Perhaps at some point in the very distant future we can make the PATH System easy for others to ride which will allow even tourists to go visit the Sporting spectacle and massive city at the other end. Who knows what the future will hold."

"Into the Heart Of Darkness: The Penn Station" will premier at 8:30 pm at the Explorer's Club. Smart dress is required.

31 Year Old Man Still Thinks He Can Make It In MLS

Butte, MT - Moderately overweight soccer fan Lee Perdalson announced that he still thinks that he can make it in Major League Soccer, if he just loses a few pounds and gets a bit more active this year.

"If sonny boy can make it, so can I!"

"I'm not old, yet. I can still run around a bit. I'm going to get into shape, do a bit more running and I'll make it on one of these teams just yet," mumbled Mr Perdalson into a raspberry cruller on Wednesday morning.

Reportedly, Mr Perdalson's exercise regime for the past year has been heavy drinking, randomly smoking after said heavy drinking and running to get fast food at the Arby's on Harrison street. 

"Yeah sure... I just turned 31, but let me tell you... I'm not done yet. I haven't even hit my peak. I can make it in that league. Given that my friends continually say that Major League Soccer is one of the worst leagues in the world, a man just needs to be able to put himself about. If I can drop 10 or 20 pounds and work on my soccer shape I'll be able to really show people of what I'm made."

Mr Perdalson stated that he knows that he can make it in the league because he played midfield/rover when he was 10 years old and he was on track and field during his first year in high school.

"Please, this shit ain't England. I'll have no problem making it on the field, the only thing holding me back is the diabetes that runs in my family, the 2 dozen Krispe-Kreme donuts that my nephew brought back from MIssoula, my crippling work schedule and my inability to stick to a fitness regime. Other than that, though, I'm ready to go. Be looking for me on the pitch."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Perdalson runs half the length of the soccer field, ends up out of breath, tries to kick the ball and stops to try to rub out his shin splints.

Area Man To Test Xenophobic Personality For Copa América

Denver, CO - Soccer fan Patrice Holmes is excited for the upcoming Copa América tournament as, according to him, it allows him to try on an abrasive xenophobic personality for a few months.

"I'm not sure what it's like to hate Colombians and Chileans as much as I hate Mexicans, but I'm willing to give it a try," stated Holmes as he tied an American flag around his shoulders. 

"This is just getting stale, and the chance to yell 'MOW MY LAWN' at Ecuadorian fans is a chance I can't turn down" - Patrice Holmes

According to friends, Holmes has been itching to try out an expanded xenophobic personality, and the upcoming Copa América Centenario tournament being held in the United States allows him a new frontier for his adapted irrational jingoistic hatred that enables him to branch out beyond CONCACAF.

"I've been looking up racial slurs for the Bolivians, the Peruvians and Brazilians, because I'm really tired of randomly deciding to hate Costa Rica and Paraguay every two years," stated Holmes to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "This tournament is really going to test my inventive use of Wikipedia and Google to find new and inventive ways to slur other peoples, nations, and to proclaim the God given grace of the best nation on the face of the planet, THE United States Of America.... may God bless her."

Inside sources to Mr Holmes life indicate that he is already ramping up an intense Facebook commenting campaign to let anyone know, on random posts, that America is #1 and everyone else is awful.

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Holmes about his post Copa América career and received the following reply, "When it's over, I'm going to pretend like I did nothing wrong and go back to my life as a tax adjuster. Hopefully everyone within my social media sphere will just randomly forget about those 4 months where I turned into an asshole."

99% Of Americans Fine With Ignoring Fan On Fan Violence, Unless It Happens In Soccer

A recent nationwide survey administered by statistical analysis site www.540.com, found that 99% of Americans are fine ignoring sports violence, unless it happens in soccer.

This guy is not a hooligan, mostly because he is a Dolphins fan. If he was a fan of Miami FC, well... he would be a hooligan then.

"We don't bat an eye if 40 some people are arrested during a drunken brawl in and around a Green Bay Packers and Miami Dolphins game, but if three morons get into a fist fight in front of Yankee Stadium before a soccer game, that is clearly American's aping English hooligan culture," stated Dan Glassman, director of 540.com. 

"We asked Americans whether they were fine terming any kind of confrontation anywhere regarding soccer as hooliganism and they stated an overwhelming yes. When asked if they would say that violence around the National Football League is hooliganism, they stated no. Regardless of the scale of fan on fan violence surrounding the National Football League and even Baseball being immeasurably higher than that in North American soccer, fans were much more likely to call out any kind of drunken violence by soccer fans as Hooliganism." 

Reportedly, 540.com even asked individuals across America when hooliganism begins in their mind with the following phrase and received the following response.

"One man fights another man" - Not Hooliganism

"One man fights another man in New York" - Not Hooliganism

"One man fights another man in New York in front of Yankee Stadium" - Not Hooligansim

"One man fights another man in New York in front of Yankee Stadium before a soccer game." - HOOLIGANSIM, GREEN STREET, FOOTBALL FACTORY!

The Nutmeg News found this reflected in many places but certainly obvious in recent articles by website Deadspin, in which they categorized fan violence depending on the sport.

Hey, It's just fans brawling. Just some drunk idiots... right?

HOOLIGANS! THEY ARE APING ENGLISH CULTURE! THEY WATCHED GREEN STREET! OMG!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as drunk idiots continue to be drunk idiots regardless of the sport.