CHICAGO - The Copa America and the marketing wing of the US Soccer Federation (USSF) and Soccer United Marketing (SUM) announced that they were ready to implement a new innovation in ticketing for the rest of the tournament after their massive success in the stands.
"We are ready to implement our new standard for ticketing for the Copa America that will change the world. We call this the Copa America Cover Charge," stated Steve Bilko, director of ticket sales for Copa America.
"We are going to offer priority entry to the stadium for those willing to pay an additional cover charge. If you don't pay the cover charge your entry will be delayed until after the game you are attending has kicked off. Frankly, we can't believe that 20,000 people were willing to pay our ticket prices in the first place. Now that we just proved that people will pay nearly any amount for tickets, we are going to implement our Copa America Cover Charge."
Fans will, reportedly, be delayed in a queue outside the stadium for entry to ensure that they are dressed appropriately for entry. All bags will be measured to ensure that they fit the parameters and a bouncer will permit or deny entry to the stadium at kickoff based on sexiness, instagram followers, credit worthiness, and overall celebrity status. Twitter account followers will not be an acceptable form of proof of celebrity unless over 1 million followers.
Fans can skip the queue into the stadium by paying an additional $20 ($50 for Mexico and $75 United States games) to enter the stadium before the game kicks off. Otherwise entry will be reserved for fans as space opens up in the stadium.
"This is the event of the century," stated Sunil Gulati, the president of the US Soccer Federation. "As such, we will treat it like an event. We are going to offer premium bottle service for tables, hostesses that can interface with our concierge staff and the half time show will be a Major Lazer foam party. As we say, the games may be shit, but the Copa America is going to be LIT."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ticket prices rise again.