Butte, MT - Moderately overweight soccer fan Lee Perdalson announced that he still thinks that he can make it in Major League Soccer, if he just loses a few pounds and gets a bit more active this year.
"I'm not old, yet. I can still run around a bit. I'm going to get into shape, do a bit more running and I'll make it on one of these teams just yet," mumbled Mr Perdalson into a raspberry cruller on Wednesday morning.
Reportedly, Mr Perdalson's exercise regime for the past year has been heavy drinking, randomly smoking after said heavy drinking and running to get fast food at the Arby's on Harrison street.
"Yeah sure... I just turned 31, but let me tell you... I'm not done yet. I haven't even hit my peak. I can make it in that league. Given that my friends continually say that Major League Soccer is one of the worst leagues in the world, a man just needs to be able to put himself about. If I can drop 10 or 20 pounds and work on my soccer shape I'll be able to really show people of what I'm made."
Mr Perdalson stated that he knows that he can make it in the league because he played midfield/rover when he was 10 years old and he was on track and field during his first year in high school.
"Please, this shit ain't England. I'll have no problem making it on the field, the only thing holding me back is the diabetes that runs in my family, the 2 dozen Krispe-Kreme donuts that my nephew brought back from MIssoula, my crippling work schedule and my inability to stick to a fitness regime. Other than that, though, I'm ready to go. Be looking for me on the pitch."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Perdalson runs half the length of the soccer field, ends up out of breath, tries to kick the ball and stops to try to rub out his shin splints.