Man Credits Rob Stone For Making Him Irrationally Care About Giovinco Snub

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan Thomas Redding has credited the twitter account of Rob Stone, Fox Sports host, for whipping him up into a frenzy about Giovinco's omission to the Italian national team.

I am ANGERED, ROB... ANGERED.

"I was fine before all this, honestly I didn't really care. After all, I'm a Sacramento Republic fan," stated Mr. Redding to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "However after that one tweet by Mr. Stone, I found myself whipped into an irrational frenzy. Suddenly I realized I was supposed to care, somehow, about a player that I don't like that plays for a league that I don't follow for a team that I don't care about for a national team that I don't watch! I... WAS... INCENSED!"

Reportedly, Mr. Redding realized that Mr. Stone was totally right about him needing to be angered, because apparently he wasn't being a vocal proponent of some Italian's career internationally!

"My God! I haven't been advocating for the inclusion of Italian footballers for all these years! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE! I realized that everything that I've ever known is a lie. I need to be advocating for more Italian footballers. I need to start belligerently yelling at Antonio Conte, even though I live in California and he doesn't care. HE SHOULD CARE! What Rob Stone has shown me is that we should all be opinionated assholes about all these things that have nothing to do with us! I've finally hit my Onward Christian Soldiers moment in life and my crusade is going to be advocating for fringe Italian players who are currently playing for a team and league that I don't care about."

Reportedly, this new configuration of Mr. Redding's life has made him reconsider his decision to buy a house in Sacramento and marry his fiance. He now states that his ultimate goal is to figure out a way to tell Antonio Conte his displeasure that in some guy in Orlando not making the Italian national team.

"ROB STONE WOULD TELL YOU IT IS UNAMERICAN TO NOT BE PERPETUALLY OUTRAGED ABOUT BULLSHIT," yelled Mr. Redding at people walking in front of his local coffee shop.

"ROB STONE IS RIGHT. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BE MAD ABOUT GIOVINCO FOR SOME REASON. I'M NOT SURE WHAT REASON THAT IS, BUT IS IS LIKELY SOMETHING IDIOTIC. ALSO, 'MURICA AND SOME OTHER PATRIOTIC STUFF. ALL HAIL STONE. ALL HAIL STONE!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Redding dresses all in denim and tries to plan how he is going to yell at Antonio Conte.
 

New York Derby Fight Reminds Man Of Fictional Past

NEW YORK - The recent fist fight that pitted NYCFC fans against RBNY fans before the May 21st game at Yankee Stadium brought to mind a fictional past that Mr. Gerald Henderson, formerly of Massapequa, cobbled together from reading Among The Thugs, Running With The Firm, Soul Crew, The Men In Black; and simultaneously watching Gangs of New York and Green Street Hooligans.  

"Red... Bull.. Fan? GET THEE HENCE VERILY YOU TASTE THE BACK SIDE OF MY CANE!

"I was swinging against 20 of 'em. Big lads, sturdy as oaks, we fought in the financial district, and all around Wall Street. My god what a ruckus," stated NYCFC fan Gerald Henderson to The Nutmeg News on Monday. 

"We fought a running street battle to protect our turf and claim what was ours, from the gentrified street corners of Gramercy Park to the gentrified street corners of Williamsburg to the gentrified street corners of the East Village. It was an almighty battle, but this was back in 94 before lads got soft and CCTV cameras were everywhere."

Reportedly, Mr Henderson, in 1994, was living in his parents basement on Fox Blvd by the St Rose of Lima church in Massapequa but that doesn't stop him from misremembering his past as an epic homage to 1980's style hooliganism that has popped up between NYCFC and RBNY fans.

"The streets ran red with the blood of the innocent and no one was spared. I remember Big Steve pounding in the face of a Red Bull fan with the sole of his trainer. I mean, this was the heady time before we knew what the old bill would do to us if they threw us in the brig, but they were good days with good lads."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Henderson continually forgets that these teams have only played against each other for two years.

The Nutmeg News Continues To Inspire Teams To Victory

The editors of The Nutmeg News announced that they inspired another team to victory after a recent news article on the Chicago Fire sparked (WORD PLAY) the fire into a winning inferno.

Hey Chicago, you are almost to double digit goals! Keep it up!

"This is exactly what we were able to do for Sporting Kansas City and the Colorado Rapids," stated Senior Editor, a junior editor of The Nutmeg News who was fresh from his vacation to the south of Mexico where he took a bunch of recreational drugs for a week to clean his mind and find a pure aura. "We pushed them to play better from our position off the field and directly contributed to their win. We love to take credit and this is no difference, so we will take our congratulatory gifts from the Chicago Fire, soon."

Reportedly, other teams fanbases have started requesting additional TNN articles to be written on their struggling team as a way to get them out of the doldrums of May.

"I'd love for them to write an article on how shit OUR organization is," stated Houston Dynamo fan Andrea Sorensen. "We need a win and a continuous run of form and this season is getting old mighty fast."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more teams continue to yo-yo in the standings due to our good luck charm of relentlessly bashing them.

Timbers Army To Unveil Revised Chant

Portland, OR - The Timbers Army have announced that they will soon be unveiling a revised and now democratically implemented, voted upon and inclusive chant for upcoming games that will cover the entire spectrum of gender, sexuality, humanity, and activity possible.

Photo Credit: Portland Timbers

"We know and understand that our Portland Boys chant has an inherently misogynistic statement of possessing women, references forced sexual activity (depending upon interpretation) and promotes the culture of self poisoning known as drinking, regardless of any interpretation," stated David Housman co-creative director of chants and director of the Timbers Army Violin and Cornet infantry. "As a progressive group moving forward, we wanted to ensure that every single condition and activity of humanity is covered and agreed upon before we get to the next verses. It's important to cover anyone that self-identifies as a Timber's fan."

Reportedly, the revised chant will start with an open ended preamble drum salute that will then dovetail into a Timbers Army Gregorian chant. This will allow all participants to vocally express any current gender, sexuality, or identification that they feel is representative of themselves or any other human that decides to self identify as a Timbers fan. 

An excerpt of the new chant was sent to The Nutmeg News and includes the following,

"Portland players we are here and the we in this question is the accepted coalescing and self identifying but as well anarchic unidentified members and non-members of the loose cooperative called the Timbers Army, who may identify more closely with regional, non-regional or internationally recognized and unrecognized groups as well those individuals who are not identifying with the Timbers Army. In addition there may be those here in here with what we self term a crowd (although others may utilize any designation that they wish including gathering or no designation what so ever) who may care more specifically about other teams or perhaps other sports including those that abstain from sports but are here as a favor which include those that are watching from home gather to watch, not watch, care or not care about the sports spectacle below and the "we" in the aforementioned preamble includes the following list of individuals that have gathered hence.

Cisgender Male, Cisgender Female, Male, Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Female, gender non-conformity asexual atheists, gender non-conformity bisexual catholics, gender non-conformity heterosexual non-monogamists, bisexual, pansexual, aseuxal, homosexual, heterosexual, bi-curious lesbian third wave feminists, allied heterosexual cisgender male second wave feminists, pansexual S&M advocates.."

The identifying statements continue, but The Nutmeg News has clipped them for brevity. The chant concludes the first statement of self identification by requiring a quorum of all Timbers fans throughout the stadium to vote on whether they feel this is satisfactory enough to represent the vast swath of fans they are representing by the "we" statement initiated by the "Portland players" statement, and if the vote is deadlocked, the process is repeated with another round of drums leading into another statement of identity followed by another vote as to whether or not the new additions cover enough of the human spectrum to allow continuation to the next portion of the chant

The next statement has been changed from the misogynist possessive statement of "your women" and the self destructive statement of "drink your beer" to state, "We the aforementioned and certified, purposefully propose, without coercion, the idea of sexual activity with an acceptable partner, partners, or we will engage in self stimulation or engage in no activity what so ever at the point at which this decision is made, we will then engage in whatever activity the individual engages to relax themselves provided that it is within the realm of human compassion and does not promote destruction of the individual unless those who wish for destruction by virtue of drink or drugs in which case that is their own moral choice as long as they are harming no other, whoa - whoa - whoa."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army and all supporters group in Major League Soccer, the PDL, the NPSL, the USL, the NASL, and England who use this chant attempt to salvage what is just a really terrible chant to begin with.

Experts Determine That New York Is Actually Burnt Umber

NEW YORK - Experts in City Color analysis at New York University (NYU) have finally concluded, after an exhaustive two year study, that New York is, in fact, Burnt Umber, shocking the establishment that widely voiced their displeasure at this result on Friday.

You are both wrong! It's Burnt Umber! 

"NEW YORK IS BLUE!" stated NYCFC fan Carlos Ramirez to The Nutmeg News after we informed him of the previous. "You can't  convince me otherwise. What is this Burnt Umber shit?!"

Upon being informed that Burnt Umber is actually a dark Yellow, dark Orange or dark Red color in origin that can come from an amalgamation of many colors, Mr Ramierz stated, "OH HELL NO! NEW YORK IS BLUE!"

Researchers within the City Color Institute started this project upon hearing from multiple fans that New York was a certain color. 

"We felt that we couldn't let bias come into play. A number of our researchers are actually soccer fans with Barcelona the predominant team, so we had to ensure that their own perceptions of what color New York is as a team and city combination is not influencing the data," stated Julia Rosenberg of the NYU City Color Institute. "We started with the theory that New York could be Red, Blue, or Green. We allowed for variables such as New York being Puce, Taupe, or even perhaps Pthalo Blue, Pthalo Green, Van Dyke Brown or Titanium White. In the end we found that New York Is Burnt Umber."

Fans of Red Bull New York and the New York Cosmos were reportedly aghast as their own proclamation of what color the city is ran aground against actual scientific evidence.

"I'll believe this shit when I believe global warming is real!" stated Red Bull fan Yancey Carlito. "New York is, and will always be Red, not Burnt Umber, Not Green, Not Smurf Blue, Not any other color. This is all a liberal conspiracy part of big color and the Pantone conglomerate who likely bankrolled this whole deal! NEW YORK IS RED!"

Fans of the Cosmos were equally aghast stating as prominent member Tim Barton stated to The Nutmeg News on Friday, "THE DATA WAS MISREPRESENTED. It was clearly interfered with by Don Garber in his perpetual crusade against the Cosmos that has resulted in a mishmash of colors that we call Burnt Umber. Has anyone ever seen an Umber before? No? We categorically deny the existence of Burnt Umber and we restate NEW YORK IS GREEN."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans burn swatches of Burnt Umber in the streets in the lead up to New York City FC versus New York Red Bull.

Fun Friday: The Nutmeg News MLS Player Salary Browser Extension

Hello friends.

Is there something missing in your life? Do you need an additional dose of hilarity? Or perhaps are you a serious man or woman and you are looking to do some research.

Well never you mind because The Nutmeg News has your back!

We are proud to announce our brand new Chrome Browser extension 

Available, now in the Chrome/Google store for free by clicking the following link.

The Nutmeg News MLS Player Name Salary Chrome Extension (VERSION 2)

While all of you were sleeping, our crack team of non-paid, flesh meat were banging out the codes and fixing some bugs in the software and we are proud to announce version .2 has way less issues! We also updated and fixed the problems with most anglicized names (such as Kaka versus Kaká). 

See players as you have always wanted! Makes Post game quotes HILARIOUS!

Have fun browsing around today and may you share your bounty of giggles with the world.

Editor's Correction: Terminology Used In Recent Article On Rivalry Week

EDITOR'S CORRECTION:

In a recent article on Heineken Rivalry Week, The Nutmeg News identified this gentleman...

As a "Shit DJ"

We would formally like to apologize to all actual DJ's out there as we identified him incorrectly.

The appropriate terminology for this individual is "Shit MP3 collector and button pusher." 

Despite the appearance of two pioneer branded decks, the appearance of a branded laptop with vague headphones and the man looking directly at the screen and no visible record crate or records what so ever indicates that likely this man is just playing MP3s or Spotify.

The Nutmeg News holds actual vinyl playing DJ's in high regard and will make every attempt in the future to indicate the correct terminology when referring to "shit, button mashing posers utilizing a laptop to pretend spin tracks as they use a digital mixer to fade tracks like Harlem Shake out for whatever else is the current fad." We thank you for your patience and formally apologize to all actual DJ's out there.

1 Win In 10 Games, But Don't Worry Chicago Fire Fans... Here's 5 Things To Make You Feel Good Again!

Hey Chicago Fire fans.... sure your league doesn't give two shits about you, and your ownership is a joke, and you have only won once in 10 games with the lowest points and goals scored in the entire league, but here are 5 things to make you feel good again.

#1 THIS PICTURE:

Remember the days before Andrew Hauptman showed up like a bag of piss on a fecal encrusted overpass? Oh sure, that's trading in nostalgia, except that's really the only place to look, currently. And when your team is running on fumes, you might as well stroll down memory lane.

#2 YOUR CITY

PHOTO: https://visualthinking.studiojunglecat.com/2010/06/02/chicago-architecture-tour

PHOTO: https://visualthinking.studiojunglecat.com/2010/06/02/chicago-architecture-tour

It's a mix of 80s, modern and gothic and beauty and harsh starkness all rolled into one. Rolling off state street into the suburbs with the old and the new and the dangerous and the safe, Chicago is a roiling pot of mixed up beauty, safety, wealth, poor and danger.  Don't forget that your iconic skyline was the centerpiece for years of Reginald Veljohnson inanity.

#3 CHICAGO BLUES

Buddy Guy is a legend.

From Chess Records to Alligator Records, Chicago Blues was one of the most influential forms of music that still endures to this day.  The music formed a connection with the feeling on the street as people from the south migrated to the north into Chicago and brought with them their own style of music that fused into the hard grit northern industrial towns. We are talking a music that influenced and set on fire the Rolling Stones. 

From artists such as Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, Mighty Joe Young, Elmore James, and Jimmy Rogers. A musical history that connects the Chicago of the 1930's to today. 

#4 YOUR SLEEPING SUPPORT

Husaria and Section 8: The Salad Days

Remember when Husaria checked into the game and the melting pot of Section 8 turned into a heaving bonfire? The Nutmeg News doesn't judge that things have been dwindling lately. It's hard to really want to show up to a stadium where the team is the worst in the league, the ownership seems to actively hate you and your play is extremely inconsistent combined with some of the worst weather and a long commute. 

We don't judge. We just know that somewhere out there are people who are still pissed that the team looks this way, that they want to come out, that they want to raise hell and that they need a reason beyond some new DP that isn't going to pan out and the fact that the ownership hasn't personally insulted them recently.

#5 LIFE EXPECTANCY

According to life expectancy statistics, if you are a millennial or teenager supporting the Fire the current ownership will sell before you die. So you have that to look forward to, in spades.

Likely at some point in the near future, Hauptman will get really lucky with a team because in Major League Soccer it is nearly impossible to be as poor as the Fire has been over the last few years without having a completely unexpected upswing. Then, when someone reminds the current ownership that they still own a team, Hauptman will figure out how to sell it, somehow, to another venture capitalist and you will have a fleeting moment of optimism.

So Cheer UP, Chicago. Likely you have a win coming soon so that you have two wins on the season, and then from there it's a win on the road before you hit two years without one, and then it's only a hop, skip, and jump to the playoffs! (which will, of course, sadly validate your ownership and lead to more disenfranchising of your current support).

Rival Fans Unite Over Hatred Of Heineken And Branded Sports Weeks

Rival fans across Major League Soccer have announced that they are united after bonding over their combined hatred of Heineken beer and branded sports weeks.

RIVALRY WEEK! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SHIT BEER AND SHIT BUTTON PUSHERS *see correction*

"The only thing that could bring us together is our justified anger at the idiotically stupid Heineken Rivalry Week," stated a joint press release by the Emerald City Supporters, the associated groups of the Vancouver Whitecaps (including the Southsiders and Curva Collective) and the Timbers Army. "Heineken is a shit beer and having a branded rivalry week is one of the dumbest things that could happen other than the meeting that had to happen with Heineken and Major League Soccer where they discussed brand activation and the association of a product with a fan-base that lead to this idiotic decision."

Reportedly, even fans as effervescently couched in their hatred as DC United and Red Bull New York have bonded together to state, "This idea is dumb, Heinken is a shit skunky beer, and having a branded rivalry week is idiotic."

The Nutmeg News also reached out to San Jose Earthquakes and LA Galaxy fans who wouldn't comment together because they were afraid of the implications that cooperation would state for their rivalry to fan groups that are watching internationally but both stated, "This whole idea is just dumb."

Reportedly, the idea for a Heinken Rivalry Week came about after the international beer conglomerate realized that it wasn't selling enough beer in North America and Major League Soccer realized they hadn't made enough money from advertising.

"This sounded like a great way to activate our current fanbases and really introduce them to a brand so that they will associate it with soccer," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "It's really the way forward for our advertising as this methodology allows us to connect a brand to an idea so that people will always associate one with the other on a subconscious level. This also allows us to then sell that brand at an inflated price in our stadiums so that we reap the benefits from it and the benefits from the advertising while we parcel out sponsorship of everything from toilet bowl cleaner to window washing fluid."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer announces Menstrual week with sponsor Tampax who will create a line of clear tampons to allow fans to bring them in through security check points.

Soccer Leaks Into Man's Life As He Sees A Conspiracy Everywhere

Charleston, SC - Soccer fan Davis Maglor has admitted that a general feeling of conspiracy has leaked into his life from his rampant speculations regarding (as he stated), "the multiple overarching conspiracies in North American soccer."

"Can't you see the army of twit-bots that perpetuate the myths that I'm antisocial and that MLS is big in this country! It's a robot attack army hired by the Indian Monarchy to prevent soccer from getting big so they can get cricket to be huge here instead."

"How do I know that you aren't part of a secret US Soccer Federation detective agency hell-bent on taking my words and twisting them into.... oh .... damn... I'm doing it again," stated Mr. Maglor to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "You see, I can see them all the time in soccer so its easy to start imagining that there are secret cabals and formations and people out to get me in real life. OR MAYBE THERE ARE! I'm not certain anymore. I can't really see the difference between the lack of US Open Cup Streams and the faked Moon Landing on a sound stage in Chula Vista."

According to friends in his life, Mr. Maglor's nonsensical ramblings have taken a turn for the worse after he started reading individual proclamations of "how things are" from Twitter and Blogs online and assuming that they are factually true.

"He just started accepting that everything that he read was true. He told me once that he wasn't 100% certain that Don Garber wasn't a corporation registered in Rhode Island and run by a consortium of ex-pat Belgian land owners who want to ensure that Promotion and Relegation never happen by controlling the voice of soccer at the top division," stated friend Roger Joyce.

According to Mr. Maglor, he has to be careful about what he says as the censorship brigades from Major League Soccer may curtail his free speech (as they are want to do) in his private home after he ordered MLS Live 4 years ago before he knew the truth.

"They are coming for me, they are coming for my streams, they are coming for my soccer knowledge! I will be assimilated if I am not careful and my vital fluids absorbed into the dynamic fluid exchange of people who know soccer! None of this will prevent when the mole people elected by Zlatan come to take over the lower divisions in North America but my god! WE MUST STAY STRONG! I have recently gained a suspicion of my current girlfriend Sandra being involved. She says things like, 'I'm visiting friends this weekend,' but we all know that is code for being involved in a cabal to bring down my business interests!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Maglor's twitter account gains 2000 followers due to his rants.

RSL Fan Unsuccessful At Getting New Chant Approved

Salt Lake City - Pete Cetera, a Real Salt Lake city fan, has found that introducing new songs to supporters groups is not an easy task. He has reportedly shopped his idea around to La Barra Real, The RioT Brigade, Rogue Cavaliers Brigade, Section 26, Salt City United, and even paid $25 for a membership in order to propose the idea to Royal Army, but none of them were willing to adopt his idea.

"NOW! This is what we call FAN CHANTS! VOLUME 4!"

"I just think it's time we had some new songs," Cetera states. "These groups have had the same chants for a long time and I just wanted to introduce something new that we all could all sing-along with."

The chant he proposed was a modified version of the hit song “You’re the Best” that Joe Esposito wrote for the Karate Kid Soundtrack:

"You're the best, Re-al, nothing's gonna ever keep you down."

“I don’t care who you are,” Cetera continues, “When you hear that line you can’t help but pump your fist in the air. If our players heard that I think it’d give them the boost of adrenaline they need to secure another MLS Cup title for us. Plus this song would lead into a great chant of ‘sweep the leg Dannie’ we could yell to Danilo Acosta.”

The Nutmeg News met with James Atkin, the official chant approver from The RioT Brigade to get his viewpoint on the situation.

"The song he's proposing is way too old. No one does 80's songs anymore, especially after Philly and Colorado adopted 'Just Can't Get Enough. The 80's are over."

We then asked Atkin if he had any new chants that their group planned to introduce.

"Yeah, we've got a couple. We wanted to do some throwback oldies so we are going back and forth between a couple of them. The first is by some band called Jesus Jones that goes 'I want to feel Re-al, Re-al, Re-al, Do you feel Re-al, and if so I want to know.' I saw the title Real Real Real on some old CD my parents had and thought we could use it. The other is by a band called the Soupdragons and goes 'Cuz you're a Salt, Salt, Salt, Lake City Thing.' We'll be testing these out this year and see which one resonates more."

The Nutmeg News will have more as as Cetera unsuccessfully attempts to introduce a modified version of LA Tour’s ‘People Are Still Having Sex.’

Beleaguered News Magazine Pitch Session Void Of Ideas

The beleaguered news magazine, The Nutmeg News, had a pitch session on Tuesday morning that was void of ideas and columns after finding that satire was dead, having been killed off Monday evening by the Seattle Sounders.

"Well, we are fucked. Pack it in, folks. We are done here," stated Senior Editor, the junior editor of The Nutmeg News.

"As your lawyer, I advise you to rip off some Hunter S Thompson and go out into the desert, or the dessert, whichever sounds better."

"I don't know that you realize it yet, but we can't come up with anything more rediculous to follow the enormous, sanctimonious claptrap that happened yesterday. What is it going to be next? Sponsored Flame Canon Triceratops unicycle freaks urinating on grammatrain albums while singing Outkast Stankonia lyrics changed to reflect the conflict in the Sudan? See? It's all gone."

According to inside sources that are inside our usual inside sources which essentially means the narrator in this particular case but you didn't hear me squeal, The Nutmeg News can report that The Nutmeg News junior editor Senior Editor was last seen driving a convertible 1966 Lincoln Continental towards the desert with 2 dozen clay pigeons, a handle of Absinthe, a Remington shotgun, and a dog-eared copy of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 

"Shit's gonna get weird, people. Lets all just take some mushrooms, drop out for a bit and let the dust fall where it may," Mr. Editor exclaimed as he drove into the sunset before turning left onto the interstate.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue publishing because as soon as he left, the remaining editors had a sacrificial battle royal resulting in two bent fingernails and a cannibalized a Freddy Adu bobblehead utilized in a ritual in order to seize power.

DELTA, SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC AND GOALKEEPER STEFAN FREI UNITE SEATTLE WITH T.I.F.O. PROJECT

DELTA, SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC AND GOALKEEPER STEFAN FREI UNITE SEATTLE WITH T.I.F.O. PROJECT

Official Airline of Sounders FC and Frei to collaborate with fans throughout the season on multi-piece banner design in celebration of Delta’s support of Seattle; 60 fans to design T.I.F.O. piece at 30,000 feet on Delta’s first fan flight to away match in Portland

For Immediate Release: May 16, 2016

SEATTLE, WASH. – Delta Air Lines (NYSE: DAL) and Seattle Sounders FC are teaming-up to unite Seattle and celebrate Delta’s support of the city through one of soccer’s most storied traditions – a T.I.F.O. display.

“The Fabric of Sounders FC” is a T.I.F.O. collaboration under the creative direction of Stefan Frei, the team’s goalkeeper who is also a talented artist. The T.I.F.O. phenomenon runs deep in soccer culture and for Sounders FC fans, giving the community the opportunity to support the team through the creation of a large banner.

Developed over the course of the season, Delta, Sounders FC and its fans are creating a multi-piece banner, approximately 200 feet long and 75 feet wide, with each piece of fabric having its own unique design and telling a different story about Delta’s support of Seattle and the city’s love for Sounders FC. The completed T.I.F.O. will be unfurled on top of the East Delta Sky360 Club at CenturyLink Field on September28 at the Sounders FC home match against Chicago.

“Teaming-up with Delta for the Fabric of Sounders FC project is awesome because a sense of community is such a huge part of what makes the Sounders special,” said Frei. “Whether it’s people who are into art or people who are just fans of the Sounders – for art to be the medium that brings everyone together to support the club is huge.”

Frei is lending his creative vision to the project, helping with the overall design philosophy and serving as program ambassador throughout the season. The first piece of the T.I.F.O. is being created at an event at the Sounders FC training facility in Tukwila on May 18. Select fans, Voyager Middle School art students, Sounders FC Alliance members, Delta leaders and Sounders FC leaders are joining Frei for the creation of the first piece.

Sixty fans have the unprecedented experience of designing the final piece of the banner at 30,000 feet on a Delta charter fan flight just for Sounders FC fans to Portland for the team’s August 28 away match.  Fans can sign-up from May 16 to July17 to win two seats on the private fan flight and tickets to the match by visiting a dedicated “The Fabric of Sounders FC” site and registering to become a Delta SkyMiles® member or by entering their existing SkyMiles account information.

Throughout the campaign, fans will be able to visit “The Fabric of Sounders FC” site that will serve as an all-access destination to follow along in the design process as Frei’s vision comes to life.

“As Seattle’s global airline, we’re in the business of uniting people,” said Mike Medeiros, Delta’s Vice President – Seattle. “With more than 3,000 Seattle-area employees, our support for Sounders FC runs deep – this time, we’re taking it to the turf with a T.I.F.O. display that will unite Sounders FC fans and celebrate Delta’s commitment to the city.”

Over the course of the season, local community groups, Delta employees and Sounders FC fans can take part in the making of the additional banner pieces and help share the story of how Delta is stitching together the city of Seattle through their love of Sounders FC.  Events are taking place at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, CenturyLink Field, through social media and at various locations throughout the city.

In September, Delta and Sounders FC celebrated the extension of their partnership. For more information about “The Fabric of Sounders FC”, visitwww.SoundersFC.com/fabricofsfc.

“The Fabric of Sounders FC” is an extension of the airline’s You Can’t Stop Seattle brand campaign, which reveres Seattleites for their ideas and ambition and celebrates the growth and momentum of the city while telling the story of how Delta helps fuel Seattle’s pursuits. It celebrates Delta’s relationships with the city’s beloved, local teams — including Sounders FC – as well as its support of community organizations close to the hearts of Delta people. You Can’t Stop Seattle represents Delta’s significant investments in Seattle, whichhave driven changes across the competitive landscape – from product enhancements, to facility improvements, to financial benefits and community investment.

Delta has more than tripled its Seattle flights since 2012 and this summer will grow to 152 peak-day departures to 44 destinations around the globe from Seattle, including service to eight long-haul international destinations in Europe and Asia. Delta recently launched service to Boston, Orange County and Victoria, British Columbia.

Every Delta flight from Seattle features jet service with Delta One/First Class and Delta Comfort+ seating and free entertainment options via Delta Studio as well as Wi-Fi service on nearly every domestic aircraft operating in the contiguous U.S. Delta is the only carrier to offer full flat-bed seats with direct aisle access in Delta One on every long-haul international flight from Seattle along with entertainment on demand in every seat throughout the aircraft. The airline has also invested $15 million in its facilities at Sea-Tac, including its Delta Sky Club and lobby renovations, Sky Priority services, new gate area power recharging stations, expanded ticket counters and enhancements to the international arrivals area.

NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO ENTER OR WIN.  Open to entrants who are twenty one (21) years of age or older, who are legal residents of the Washington Stateand do not reside within 75 miles of Portland, Oregon.  Sweepstakes begins Monday May 16, 2016 and ends Sunday July 17, 2016.  For official rules visit www.SoundersFC.com/fabricofsoundersfc By entering this Sweepstakes, each entrant gives his/her express permission to be contacted by the Sponsor about other Sponsor programs.  Sponsor: Delta Air Lines, 1030 Delta Boulevard Atlanta, GA 30354-1989. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED

ABOUT DELTA AIRLINES

Delta Air Lines serves nearly 180 million customers each year. In 2016, Delta was named to Fortune’s top 50 Most Admired Companies in addition to being named the most admired airline for the fifth time in six years. Additionally, Delta has ranked No.1 in the Business Travel News Annual Airline survey for an unprecedented five consecutive years. With an industry-leading global network, Delta and theDelta Connection carriers offer service to 330 destinations in 61 countries on six continents. Headquartered in Atlanta, Delta employs nearly 80,000 employees worldwide and operates a mainline fleet of more than 800 aircraft. The airline is a founding member of theSkyTeam global alliance and participates in the industry’s leading transatlantic joint venture with Air France-KLM and Alitalia as well as a joint venture with Virgin Atlantic. Including its worldwide alliance partners, Delta offers customers more than 15,000 daily flights, with key hubs and markets includingAmsterdam, Atlanta,Boston, Detroit, Los Angeles, Minneapolis/St. Paul, New York-JFK and LaGuardia, London-Heathrow, Paris-Charles de Gaulle, Salt Lake City, Seattleand Tokyo-Narita. Delta has invested billions of dollars in airport facilities, global products and services, and technology to enhance the customer experience in the air and on the ground. Additional information is available on the Delta News Hub, as well as delta.com, Twitter @DeltaNewsHub, Google.com/+Delta,Facebook.com/deltaand Delta’s blog takingoff.delta.com.

ABOUT SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC

Winner of the 2014 MLS Supporters’ Shield and four Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup championships (2009, 2010, 2011, 2014), Sounders FC is Seattle’s Major League Soccer franchise. With an ownership group led by Seattle-based entrepreneur Adrian Hanauer, Hollywood executive Joe Roth, Seattle Seahawks Chairman Paul G. Allen and entertainer Drew Carey, the club received an MLS charter on November 13, 2007 and has reached the MLS Cup Playoffs in every year of its existence. Since the club’s debut MLS season in 2009, Sounders FC has set the standard for soccer support in North America by leading the league in attendance each year, culminating in the top six single-season attendance totals in league history and an active streak of 132 consecutive MLS sellouts. Prior to joining MLS, the Seattle Sounders organization has been a part of the greater Seattle community and U.S. Soccer professional scene since 1974.

ABOUT STEFAN FREI

Stefan Frei signed with Sounders FC prior to the 2014 season after spending the first five years of his professional career with Toronto FC. Since then, the Swiss international has held the starting goalkeeper position for Seattle, amassing an overall record of 38-24-11 with 22 shutouts. The Cal-Berkeley product was named Sounders FC’s Defender of the Year in 2015 after finishing in the top-five in MLS in nearly every goalkeeping category, including a tie for the league lead in fewest goals allowed.

New Song Proving To Be Complex To Get Started For Timbers Supporters

Portland, OR - A new song selection for the Timbers Army is proving to be complex to initiate as supporters are reportedly grousing about the implementation of a saxophone, timpani and violin section to the already complex dance moves, cattle herding and imaginary rests required to fully support the Timbers for 90 minutes.

"C'mon, everyone knows this song. Look guys, if we aren't able to get the Gong duet and Concertina choir in synchronous we are never going to see Nagbe score another goal. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER."

"This song is extremely important to show how much we support the team on the field," stated David Housman, director of the Timbers Army Violin and Cornet infantry. "We require a level of participation and concentration on this piece which will, in turn, show our focus to the boys on the field. It isn't important if the team knows that we are following the game if our Harpists are not hitting the requisite notes in time with the violin's Vivaldi like cadenza."

Reportedly, the Timbers Army is finding it difficult to coordinate this many disparate parts and have them all playing at the same time, requiring volunteers in the newly organized clarinet, saxophone, harpist and choir brigades to all show up for mandatory practices three nights a week. 

"Look if we don't nail the transition from the 12th century lute into the gong, we are never going to see Ridgewell clear the ball in time to prevent a goal. This is about us getting our own stuff right so that we can support even better, which will (in turn) drive the team onto victory. My god, if these people can't see that we light smoke bombs and then go into a bongo tilt after a goal, they need to get out of the stadium."

Sources within the Timbers organization told The Nutmeg News that they have reportedly asked the Capos for the Timbers Army to stop shouting "ADAGIO CANTABILE, MOTHERFUCKER... DO YOU KNOW IT?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army Soprano Choir claims that organization of the group is perpetuating gender norms under an unfair stereotype that only women can be sopranos.

"Bagpipes For Football, Not For ESPN," Claims FC Edmonton Piper

Edmonton, AB - FC Edmonton Bagpiper Paul MacDonald stated that, "Bagpipes are for football, not for ESPN," after receiving requests from the ESPN staff to play for the camera during the FC Edmonton win over the New York Cosmos on Sunday.

"Our brothers were banned from Twickenham! They were banned from Rugby! Against Modern Football! Against Modern Rugby Administrators And Other Fans That Don't Know That Bagpipes Are Great" - Paul MacDonald

Photograph: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

"I play for football, I play for my team, and I don't play for ESPN president John Skipper," stated MacDonald to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm not a trained monkey playing for an organ grinder. My pieces are meant to inspire, to lift up our team or to denigrate the opposition. I am firmly Against Modern Football Pipers and Against the appropriation of bagpipe culture and the commodification of Bagpipers as well as supporters culture, of which bagpipes are a part."

Reportedly, Mr. MacDonald has indicated that there is a trend of new modern pipers to just play for the cameras and to select pieces that don't reflect what is going on the field.

"I'm here for the lads and for the football, but there are pipers out there that are in this for the fame. The only fame is that achieved by the 11 on the field. When the cameras are gone, I'll still be playing. I'll be playing on recreational fields, and outside, and somewhere out Forest Heights or Mill Creek Ravine practicing because I need a place since the neighbors complained about this the last time I tried to practice in doors, but you CANNOT stop the brotherhood of football bagpipers!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Macdonald works on more up tempo selections to reflect a more youthful pipe perspective and attempts to pump up the team by exploring Beyonce's Lemonade as a Bagpipe exposition piece.

US Soccer Federation Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Last League Finally Leaves For The Start Of The Season

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation (USSF) breathed a huge sigh of relief, drank some mimosas and opened up a bottle of wine as the last league in the federation finally left for the start of the 2016 season.

"Now if we can just get the Central Conference out the freaking door."

"It's been a struggle to get the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) to the starting date, but finally we can kick back, relax, catch up on some daytime TV and just veg out with a nice Bordeaux," stated the United States Soccer Federation to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"We've been hording episodes of the Blacklist and the Mentalist so that when we get the NPSL out of the blocks we can just relax and watch some shows. I can't tell you how happy we are to finally get some peace and quiet around here.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the National Premier Soccer League about the start of the season and they had the following to say.

"With our staggered start, we were already slightly out the door, but now finally we are going to get gone. We kept going back to get laundry and extra players and more uniforms and use the kitchen, but at some point it's time to get back to actually playing games. I mean, the Aguiluchos have already played six, but that doesn't mean we can't go back to get those sweet lemon cakes that Sunil makes before the Milwuakee Torent start playing in June."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NPSL comes back with a couple new league entrants to just hang out next season, but totally not going to throw a party and light smoke bombs this time, ok? C'mon say it's ok, we will be responsible.

Denver Man Absolutely Certain He Has Handle On MLS Acquisition Rules

Denver, CO - Steven Albright has announced that he has finally gotten a handle on Major League Soccer Acquisition Rules, provided that nothing changes in the next few months, after a deep dive into the complex world of acquisitions, right of first refusal, salary cap, targeted allocation money, allocation money, designated player rules, young designated players rules, international spots, and roster rules.

"It's taken me 7 months, but I'm finally confident that I know how Major League Soccer acquires both regional and international players."

"It took me a few months, but I feel like I finally have a handle on the whole thing," stated Mr Albright to The Nutmeg News. "It's been a long road getting here, but it has been educational. As long as absolutely nothing major happens in the next few months, then I feel like I really have a grasp on everything."

While Mr. Albright foolishly has thought of the league acquisition rules as fixed and permanent, he also still has the best concept of the acquisition rules out of his circle of friends that attends Rapids games.

"We all depend on Steven to tell us how in the world players come and go in this league," said friend Philip Hilstep. "He always seems to know or at least has the want to learn how things happen. He has been a great resource."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Albright realizes that he is studying rules that have already changed in a few months.

"This Is Why We Need More Expansion," states Garber As He Prepares To Give LAFC Money To Zlatan

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) nervously paced the floor at MLS headquarters before signing a check for $110 million dollars to Zlatan Ibrahimović and stating to The Nutmeg News, "This.... This is why we need more expansion."

GIDDYUP

Reportedly the high octane pursuit of Zlatan occurred when Garber and company found out that the Paris St Germain striker was not as interested in moving to England as he was interested moving for $110 million dollars to literally anywhere.

"In order to prepare for Zlatan, we have had our rules and acquisitions committee working overtime to shred all of our previous transfer requirements, allocation orders, and discovery lists," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News on Friday morning.

"This is just going to be a fresh new start just for Zlatan that we are going to call the Zlatan Rule, which is coincidentally close to the same rule that we allow for every major star we get in this league with the major twist that we are just going to pay him a boat load of money. Basically the Zlatan rule will consist of players of a certain level being asked, 'where do you want to go?' When they tell us where they want to go and agree to go there, they get a massive over-sized check for real moneys that we collected a year earlier; and they, the player, go to the team they selected. It's that simple."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ibrahimović submits his playing contract which includes stipulations on no travel over 1100 miles in length and no turf games.

Kamara Heel Turn Elevates Higuain Face Status Before MLS Wrestlemania

NEW YORK - It has been revealed by sources in Major League Soccer (MLS) that Kei Kamara's heel turn from face contender was reportedly well received at the Major League Soccer front office in November after the former Crew forward pitched the idea during an advanced strategy meeting with the Major League Soccer front office.

"CAN YOU SMEELLLLLLLLLLL WHAT KAMARA IS COOKING?!"

"We knew that Kamara going Heel during the final moments of the transfer window would push Higuain to epic face status and set up an high flying no holds barred ladder match at MLS Wrestlemania," stated director of programming for Major League Soccer Carlotta Stevens. "This character arc really enforces the upcoming match between Kamara, Higuain, Samoa Joe and Finn Balor that will bring the house down when Finn betrays Joe and teams up with Higuain to pile drive Kamara into a collection of tables and then score a panenka."

While the heel turn for Kamara was unexpected by fans, Major League Soccer has reportedly been setting this up for over six months after intentionally leaking out Kamara's contract dispute to pave the way for his eventual betrayal.

"It's all part of the master plan. It's not quite on the level as the Montreal Screwjob, but we are just starting to work with our athletes to guide them on a character development arc," stated Ms. Stevens. "Eventually we want to work with Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux to have them team up with Sasha Banks for a three woman battle Royal when we incorporate NWSL stars at our MLS Cup Wrestlemania halftime review."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Kei Kamara changes his walk out music to reflect his new identity.

Random Man On Internet Very Disappointed In USOC Actions

Dallas, TX -  Jerry Canover, soccer fan and moral arbiter of all things in the universe, reportedly was exceptionally disappointed in both the Harpos FC team and Detroit City FC fans for their actions after their US Open Cup games stating, "I'm not a fan of either of your teams, I barely follow the US Open Cup, none of you know me, I will never buy any of your merchandise, and I will never make it to any of your games, but I feel compelled to tell you online how disappointed you made me."

"I used to enjoy your antics, but I hope you understand how much you have disappointed me. You aren't Manchester United and you should feel bad because of this. Don't you know that soccer isn't about having fun? It's about pain and regret and slowly killing yourself with angst." - Jerry Canover

Reportedly, Canover was not following the annual tournament at all until he logged on to Reddit in the early hours of Thursday only to find that Harpos FC actually had a picture of their players drinking a beer in celebration and that the Detroit City FC fans rushed the field in celebration of their penalty kick victory over the Michigan Bucks.

"THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS," screamed Canover through his twitter account @DALInternetSoccerExprt. "How dare they enjoy themselves. Soccer is a dour affair where men must suffer and fans live in anguish and total subservience to the utter meaningless nature of their life. This life we live is hell upon earth and the only cleansing thing you can do to take things very seriously and live with my moral code imprinted upon your heartbeat until you die."

According to sources that know him, Canover is still frustrated that fans and teams that he doesn't know and don't care about him aren't beholden to his own personal viewpoints on North American Soccer, Major League Soccer, The US Open Cup and how to live a daily life.

"It's my way, full stop. And I'm going to ensure that I vocalize this every time some subjective rule of mine is broken in a major way online. The only way to ensure that people understand how wrong they are is by telling them this frequently in internet forums and social media."

The Nutmeg News will have more on as Mr. Canover takes Ventura County Fusion, Sacramento Gold, and Lansdowne Bhoys FC to task for failing to understand their place in the soccer world.