Man Listens To 7 Hours Of Soccer Podcasts Before Giving Opinion

Boston, MA - Soccer fan, Manchester United Fan, and New England Revolution fan Nate Scarborough again refused to give his opinion on any matter regarding soccer until after he finished consuming his daily ritual of listening to 7 hours of soccer podcasts.

"So Fellaini IS a problem, but it is more to do with van Gaal's tactics! Got it!

"Do I know what happened with Fellaini recently? No. But let me listen to Men In Blazers for 70 minutes, first, and THEN I'll give you a good recap of what I think," stated Mr Scarborough to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

"I have a rigorous routine that I follow before I give my opinion on any of the soccer related issues that happened over the past week's action. I listen to 7 hours of soccer podcasts starting with Men In Blazers followed by Soccer Morning, The Soccer By Ives podcast, American Soccer Analysis, World Soccer Talk, Extratime Radio, The Best Soccer Show, The Midnight Ride, Red Wednesday, and Red Mancunian. At that point, then, I can feel as though I am educated enough to be able to give an opinion on something like whether Fellaini uses his elbows too much or whether Fagundez is the second coming of Jesus."

While Mr Scarborough's routine may seem rigorous, he claims that it gives him the edge that he needs in order to always seem right in front of complete strangers.

"I found that if I spend my entire day listening to podcasts, I can sound more educated about the game even if the thoughts, words, and ideas that I frequently utilize in conversation aren't mine. Granted it is a thoroughly exhausting premise that is almost guaranteed to fail some weeks, but on the days where I can't listen to 7 hours of soccer podcasts I just won't talk about the game."

Mr Scarborough said that his rigorous routine has required that he stay at work longer in order to listen to all of the knowledge that is spoon fed to him through the airwaves as he states, "I've also taken up speed walking while listening to podcasts with noise cancelling headphones. It's the only way that a passionate GFOP can really get in these 70 to 90 minute podcasts so that I stay relevant. Otherwise I just don't know what the current funny story should be that I carefully lift for my own amusment while tenderly checking to see if my friends have heard this story somewhere before."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Scarborough starts to tell a story to himself that he heard online about tactics to see if it sounds authentic enough to have come from him.

Rec League Roundup: Yes, I Am Still Fit Enough To Be A Referee

Rec League Roundup publishes anonymous letters written by players and referees in local recreational soccer leagues.

Yes, I am still fit enough to be a referee in your league. Seriously. Don't believe me? Let's have a push up contest. I'll put this goddamn cigarette out in your EYE! Everyone on your team is on warning. 

Despite my inability to run for longer than 2 minutes, my declining overall health that comes from having smoked two packs a day for the past 20 years, my fading eyesight and my lack of understanding regarding the laws of the game, I plan on maintaining my stranglehold on the exalted position of being the center referee that decides your teams position in the league this season.

Now, granted, the last time I took a look at the laws of the game was 1991 and I don't really have an understanding of any of the new interpretations, but that shouldn't matter. You can't rely on television and pundits to tell you what the laws of the game should be. I AM THE LAW.

And given that I can't really keep up with the pace of play, literally any ball that is punted up to a forward is going to be called offside. Deep kick? Offside. Goal? Offside. That is, until I need to go home and grab a beer. Then it is game on and I'm planning on calling absolutely nothing. I might even send someone off and not explain it. You better believe that I'm going to tell your most volatile player that keeps running his mouth to shut up. He's going to get suspended for chest bumping me and point his finger in my face and you are going to have to write a letter of apology to get him reinstated.

Want to get mouthy with me? You little punk. RED CARD.

Don't even THINK about playing an offside trap. If you do that, I'm calling everything onside and there isn't a single assistant referee that is going to overrule me because they all heard that story about me losing my shit on that little punk Daniel Webster back in 2012.

So lets get this game going, I've got darts with the boys in an hour.

Fan Still Mispronouncing Cyle Larin's Name

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Dominic Green reportedly still cannot pronounce Cyle Larin's name correctly.

"It's like Kyle with a K, but it is with a C! CMON!"

"I can't help myself," stated Mr Green to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "It's Sigh-el SIGH EL SIGH EL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," he screamed before running down the hall of his apartment complex batting the sides of his head.

Mr Green found out that he was still doing this when he mispronounced Cyle's name at the tailgate before the March 11th home game against the Chicago Fire.

"You mean Cyle?" stated Mr Green's friend Jeremy before he and 4 other friends relentlessly teased him for the rest of the game.

"Every time I read his name in print it resets all the understanding of the correct way to pronounce it in my head," screamed Mr Green into a cellphone that was clearly off. "I'll learn! I'll learn! The problem is in my head! It's my head that's the problem! I'm not the problem, it's all up here! I'm going to stop reading things! IT's KYLE ! ITS KYLE ! ITS KYYYYYYYYYYLEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story when our request to visit Mr Green at La Amistad Behavorial Health Services is granted.

Man Submits Long Form Soccer Opus And Awaits Awards

Biloxi, MS - Soccer afficianado and budding writer H. B. Melton submitted a 11,100 word long form soccer opus to blogs throughout North America as he, now, awaits awards for his insight and prowess.

An excerpt from Mr Melton's masterpiece.

The words in Mr Melton's essay actually contain no logical pattern or discernible information, but are reportedly considered (by the author) to be some of the most important words on Soccer that have been written.

"This is my masterpiece. This is the pinnacle of long form in all its glory. It is 11,100 separate words that speak to the state of soccer and the state of football as the same thing and yet separate in holy religious communion," stated Mr Melton to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. 

"When you partake of my masterpiece you consume my soul. And in so doing, you see through the 11,100 words what you didn't before and that is what will change the world. Brevity is the soul of wit was wrong. The soul of wit is a repeated hammering home of the same item over and over again until the reader is drubbed to a nonsensical intellectual pulp. It is then that we can extract the pulp, reform the brain and bring them to our world. In that world, all columns are, at the very least, 3100 words. Viva the long form revolution!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Melton prepares his Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech.

Popularity Of Hummel Hijab Kit Leads Nike To Develop Sexy Hijab Options

Beaverton, OR - Global kit producer Nike has announced that the popularity of the Hummel Hijab kit for Afghanistan's national soccer team lead them to develop a line of sexy hijab options for people in the United States that are looking for a new kit.

The deep V neck hijab allows you to be current while still being religious.

The Nutmeg News spoke with director of branding and public relations Howard Carnegie about their new line of kit.

"We learned from our competitors that there was a market for a kit that could allow players to be respectful of their religious beliefs ideals of modesty and still play. What we decided was that we could tweak this new option to allow you to be sexy, religious and still play or cheer from the sidelines, or just go to Whole Foods to pick up some almond butter."

"That's nice, but we could make it SEXY!"

Mr. Carnegie continued, "We used our current options of the US Women's kit that we are selling as replicas as a template to save costs. Since we designed the non-authentic version to show some of 'dem titties' this allowed us to really sex up that hijab for our customers that don't know better."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nike releases a transparent top kit for teams that need to play in the wet t-shirt soccer finals.

Man Shows His Disgust Of MLS By Watching Games All Day Saturday And Live Tweeting His Rage

Miami, FL - David Marrow spent most of his day on Saturday watching Major League Soccer in order to live tweet his disgust with Major League Soccer.

The world must KNOW!

"That pass shows why the international cabal of business owners have failed at creating a proper league," stated Morrow on his twitter account @REALSoccerKnowledge. "If we had an open system, players like Brad Davis and Michael Bradley wouldn't even be on the field," he typed with singular ferocity as he struck back at the establishment one tweet at a time.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Marrow's wife, Barbara, about the situation and she was shocked to find out that he spent his entire Saturday watching something he hated.

"I thought he spent his entire day watching the game that he loved," stated Barbara Marrow to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "That's why I planned some activities of my own with my friends that day! Why on earth would any sane person actually spend an entire day watching games of a league that they hate filled with player they despise and ownership groups they loathe? Who lives this way?"

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Mr Morrow sent approximately 65 tweets between the 15th minute and the 45th minute of the Houston Dynamo and New York Red Bull game covering an entire span of topics which included but were not exclusive to the following: poor training, poor players, his hate of closed systems, people who call people Eurosnobs, people who only watch MLS, people who think Sacha Kljestan is a good player, people who use the word World Class, people who think Freddy Adu was any good, people who still support Red Bull New York after the re-brand, youth soccer, youth soccer referees, pay to play, US Soccer, Expansion Fees in Major League Soccer, Tactics, positional play by terrible US fullbacks, Jurgen Klinsmann, and the attempt by Sunil Gulati to bug his phones.

"It is important that people know that what I know is right," stated Mr Marrow to The Nutmeg News on Monday evening. "I'm going to hate watch Major League Soccer in order to pick it apart and then I'm going to tell it like it is."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Marrow if this wasn't really just a colossal waste of his time and he stated the following, "Probably, but I love soccer to much to not watch it and complain about about the league relentlessly to the thousands of people that follow me in order to hear me complain about the soccer that I hate but that I still watch."

Major League Soccer T.I.F.O Rankings: Week 3

Welcome to the third week of the rest of your life, Major League Soccer fans and fans of teams within this league, fans of other leagues, and fans of international curling that somehow got here. This is the last week before supporters from the USL start blowing you guys out of the water with their technical artistry.

The Nutmeg News has collected and summarized the Top um.... well... the Top something... I mean honestly, people.... there weren't three "best"  T.I.F.O displays for us to take a look at. Anyway, we look, today, at some number greater than one in the league from the supporters groups associated with those teams. I mean honestly... given the options this week, you are lucky to get anything at all.

These rankings are iron clad and fully vested within all states and provinces except for Guam, Puerto Rico, Alberta, and Regina which is not a province, but it is still not valid there, ask the local government why. They are non-negotiable and if you disagree, you are wrong. Having said that, here are the best T.I.F.O displays of the week.

#1 District Ultras - DC United

Summary: Look, any group that does a GWAR T.I.F.O is eventually going to find that it is all downhill from that masterpiece. This T.I.F.O is, um, just.... well... as forgettable as the game was. While the millenials in the office were all distracted by Deadpool, recently, the older folks in the office are wondering whatever happened to the Batusi? You know... Adam West... the Batusi.... Burt Ward? Those were the days, back when there was Bat Shark Repellent and you had people like Cesar Romero playing the Joker, and we used to buy our yogurt for a nickle. Anyway, um... yeah, the theme this week is relatively disappointing T.I.F.O which really includes this column, however the interns only get breakfast if they come up with a few words on stuff like this so you, the reader, are just going to have to suffer.

#2 Sons Of Ben - Philadelphia Union

Summary: There is nothing more ultra than spectacles. Nothing. Especially spectacles on skull face. At least that's what some of us in the office think it is. A number of people thought it was the Wu-Tang symbol. A few others thought it was a modern art interpretation of the balance of weights. Some others thought it was a way to indicate the axle of a train straddling a pivot. At that point, we stopped asking people around the office because we were all bored and we went to have dinner. Neil ordered tacos again, but didn't get soft shell, which is really just awful, and honestly no one knows why he likes hard shell tacos, but they really aren't tacos if they are hard shell. Carol started talking about her time in a convent back in 1984. It was an interesting story, but in reality most of the interns started checking out and posting cat pictures to their private twitter accounts. Somehow, no one really seemed to understand that we were just passing time while waiting for our eventual death, but we just carry on anyway. So, um.... what were we talking about? Oh right, T.I.F.O. Well, in reality this isn't bad, the artistry is there, it's just... um.... forgettable, again.  But look at that bridge. I mean that's some bridge, and the stands in the supporters group section are mostly full, and it's grey but the water is really nice and the Union won and there was a chill in the air. It was March in Chester and we enjoyed the swell of the press box as the stands modestly filled up around the stadium. The energy was low, but it existed despite the best efforts of... wait... um... yeah. T.I.F.O.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Seattle Sounders Fans

Colorado Rapids Roll Out The Red Carpet Walker For Tim Howard

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids have announced that they will be rolling out the red carpet walker for Tim Howard as they welcome the designated player, 2.8 million dollar, 37 year old goal keeper to the team.

"It's important to keep Tim healthy and happy," stated Rapids director of personnel and accounting and scouting and publicity and customer relations and grounds keeping and ticket sales Howard Lowengruber. "At his advancing age, we must ensure that he doesn't twist a hip or injure himself during his arrival to Denver. We must also make sure that he can make his 2 promotional appearances at the Gart Sports on Kalamath. As far as I know we should be good to go for that, but I haven't called them yet to verify."

The Rapids have also confirmed that in order to get full value from Howard's long contract that they have included a Metamucil, Geritol, and Advocare clause in his contract. 

"Tim will be ingesting pure Metamucil, Geritol, and a cherry blossom aura cleansing colonic from Advocare," stated Mr Lowengruber. "We hope that this will keep his vigor tight and his goalkeeping on point as he exhibits his steep decline that brought him to us from Everton."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard realizes what he got himself into when he sees the team play.

Portland Timbers To Auction Off Opportunity To Have Merritt Paulson Tell Fans To Go Fuck Themself

Portland, OR - Fans in Portland are lining up at the new chance offered by the Portland Timbers to have Merritt Paulson tell you to go fuck yourself on your Twitter account, Facebook account, or Via Snapchat. 

YOU can be like this lucky fan!

"What we have here is a limited time opportunity to have the owner of the team you love tell you to go fuck yourself," stated Timbers public relations officer Tom Reinhold. "We are offering Timbers fans a chance to bid on the opportunity for such an offering with all the proceeds being donated back to the public relations team to hire another press secretary to wrangle away the phone of the ownership after a tough game."

Fans of the Timbers are reportedly extremely excited at this opportunity as The Nutmeg News spoke to a number of them on Monday morning.

"I've always wanted an opportunity to have Merritt Paulson tell me to go fuck myself," stated Harry Mathewson. "I've seen a number of lucky Timbers fans that were told to go fuck themselves, but I never thought I would get the chance. I'm planning on bidding high on this opportunity. It really is a dream of mine. Tell me how bad I am! Tell me to go fuck myself!"

While some fans are hoping that the opportunity will go for a low amount, others are preparing for the inevitable.

"I'm taking out a second mortgage," stated Victoria Causwell. "I know Timbers fans and if there is anything they love more than anything it is when fans of the team get told to fuck off by ownership. I know this auction is going to go for a high amount and I'm planning on being the winner. I WILL be told to go fuck myself by the owner of the team I love."

Reportedly, the Timbers Army has started a GoFundMe to raise funds in order to have the official account be told to go fuck itself stating, "Help us raise money to fund our efforts to be told to go fuck ourselves by ownership."

Chicago and Columbus Fans Both Agree To Forget Game Ever Happened

CHICAGO - Fans of both the Chicago Fire and the Columbus Crew agreed to forget that the game they played on Saturday ever happened.

This shot is more entertaining than 99% of the game

"I like 0-0 games. I love 0-0 games. I've seen 0-0 games that entertain the mind and enthrall the soul," stated Chicago Fire fan Thomas Szubaj. "This was not one of them. This was an attempt to play soccer that ended with two equally awful sides trying to kick the ball around each other, unsuccessfully. It was frustration personified. I actually had more fun watching my nephew's u-12 team kicking the ball around on Friday night. This just sucked."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Crew fan Lawrence Steves who had the following to say, "We came. We sang. We conquered. We fell asleep. No one should be happy with that. No one should tell anyone anywhere to watch that. It is done. Let us never speak of this again and get us the hell out of Chicago."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sets of fans try to imagine that they won't see this again a few more times this season.

United States Soccer Fans Bemoan Lack Of "March Madness" Type Tournament

Fans the nation over clamored for something like March Madness but for soccer, as they collectively ignored the US Open Cup as a competition for the 103rd straight year.

Yeah, like this... with brackets and shit... but you know... for soccer.

"If only there was something like the NCAA March Madness tournament for US Soccer," stated Jefferson Branderburg. "Something like the FA Cup in England, but with soccer in the United States."

"God, it would be great," stated Harold Newberg of Bethlehem, PA. "If only there was some way to showcase US Soccer in some kind of knock out tournament. People could glue into their TV and watch the lowest of the low and the highest of the high compete against each other."

The Nutmeg News reached out to the United States Soccer Federation and received the following response, "We are aware of some kind of competition out there, but we don't know, yet, if it is worth advertising and publicizing and putting forth an effort to get the competition on television. We know OF the US Open Cup, but it appears that despite our absolute lack of advertising or publicity in any sense that no one seems to care about it. In fact, our research shows that 1 in 100 people don't know the tournament exists. One could make the argument that this is entirely our fault due to our inability to actually do anything with regards to publicizing and growing the tournament but those people are crazy! The fact that no one knows that the tournament exists is a good enough reason to never show the tournament, because we don't want to show the tournament if no one is watching it. And even if the only way that anyone would know about the tournament would be advertising it, why would we want to do that if no one knows what it is?! It's a very difficult problem to have. We don't want to spend any money on something that isn't going to make money for us right now like a new kit or badge that will directly fill our pockets. In the end, we rely on the tens of fans of the Us Open Cup out there to educate the general population about something that exists as it always has for 103 years."

Despite the completely idiotic manner in which the US Soccer Federation runs the US Open Cup, at least 5 people plan on tuning into the competition with many of them saying, "It's actually really great. Granted you have to watch the games on youtube and have to follow the right websites to even find out the game times, but if you DO all the work yourself it is a completely rewarding experience.

The Nutmeg News will have more on US Soccer on the hope that at some point they collectively pull their own heads out of their own asses and actually start funding initiatives to grow the game locally instead of paying millions of dollars to firms for a logo re-brand.

LA Galaxy Institute "No Shirts No Service" Policy For California Clasico

Carson, CA - The Los Angeles Galaxy announced that they would enforce a "No Shirts, No Service" policy for the upcoming California Clasico game on Saturday against the San Jose Earthquakes, a move that the supporters groups for San Jose claim is designed to keep them from attending.

"Sorry boys, you all have to go."

"As part of our religious ceremony in celebrating the exulted Earthquakes, we remove our sacred garments and present our man-teat to the sun," claimed Stephan Jorgerson, high priest of the Earthquakes San Jose Ultras. "If we are forced to keep our shirts on at all times, it will be a persecution of our religious rights. We remove our shirts in support of the holy goal, the holy sacrament that shows our belief is pure, clean and not at all subject to the taint of the lower California. So say we all, and if you don't, I will punch you in the face."

While the Galaxy admit that they are implementing this new policy of turning away and removing fans for shirtless behavior and being shirtless, primarily because of the San Jose fans antics, they claim they have sufficient enough complaints from their home fans to proceed.

"We have received numerous complaints about the shape and vigor of the male physique being prominently displayed in the away section during this game. We are not sizeist, nor are we body shaming, however we do intend to keep our fans comforts in mind. With that we have instituted a 'no shirts, no service' policy for the entire stadium. This will impact both our own Galaxy fans and the visiting Earthquakes fans to ensure that the policy is fair," stated Galaxy director of public policy Laura Hanover.

In response to the policy, The Earthquakes fans state that they will go shirtless to protest the entire game from the parking lot before returning home to celebrate, without shirts, in the parking lot that surrounds Avaya Stadium.

"It is our god given right to be shirtless, to show our nipples to the sun god who blesses us with such differences from our hated Southern Californian brother. May our nipples remain proud, glorious, independent and protruding in defiance of this law," stated the San Jose Ultras to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

Nike Releases New "Lazy Collection"

Beaverton, OR - Global brand Nike released their new line of international football kits affectionately called the "Lazy Collection"

It's basically the same kit, slightly different, over and over and over again.

"Everyone is going to love our new Lazy Collection," stated Nike director of branding and public relations Howard Carnegie. "It showcases our designers limited ability to do anything different on a large scale and their reliance on just making every single kit look virtually identical."

While Nike has long been seen as a bulwark of conformity, their ability to just make all the teams look virtually the same has shown the entire world that their ability to not do much and charge a lot for it is beyond compare.

"If we wanted to make things that are cutting edge or different we would actually have to spend more money and thought power on design," stated Nike soccer supervisor Dean Pelmot.

"The way we do things it allows one designer with photoshop the ability to just change something like the color of the short sleeves with a paint bucket and then copy in a new federation logo to create a whole new kit. That whole deal only costs us a few dollars and then we can sell the authentic kits for over $100. The Lazy Collection is just fantastic for our bottom line. Being lazy allows us to collect money, not spend it, and charge the customer more. The Lazy Collection! It's great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Nike just decides to release one standard white kit for 10 different teams with a standardized logo for the next international tournament.

Two Games Tells RBNY Fan Everything He Needs To Know About 2016

NEW YORK - Two games played and two games lost have told Russel Pearson everything he needs to know about the 2016 Red Bull New York season.

"THE PLAN ISN'T WORKING, CURTIS!" - Mr Pearson

"We are shit again. I know it and you should know it. We are only going to be shit this season," stated Mr Pearson to his friends at work. 

Despite the minuscule sample size of two games, Mr Pearson has decided to run with a summation of the 2016 season and declare that the team is, in fact, totally shit and will not win anything.

"There's no chance of anything good happening with the remaining 32 games," ranted Mr Pearson to his friend Cliff Houseman. "We are watching the slow, inevitable decline from our glory days and we will eventually return to state of abject misery. I can tell this by the first two games of this season, and I can tell you that we were all wrong in 2015. May god have mercy on our souls."

The Nutmeg News will revisit with Mr Pearson when Red Bull New York go on a 4 game winning streak.

Man Very Upset At Lack Of Rigorous Voting Protocol For Goal Of The Week Vote

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Bradley Hargroves is reportedly very upset at the lack of rigorous voting protocol for the recent goal of the week vote.

Maybe Sporting Kansas City have 40% more fans who just don't care about a meaningless internet award.

"It's almost like this whole thing is a popularity contest," ranted Mr Hargroves to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "I just don't understand how anyone can actually vote for Mr Dwyer when Quincy's goal is just so much better."

Mr Hargroves has stated over and over, "We should be voting for what is actually the goal of the week. All of you fans that only like, follow and vote for your own teams should understand that you are ruining the integrity of this highly subjective, moronic and meaningless award that is really designed only to stir up more interest in the league."

According to friends, the voting pattern has startled the tender soul of Mr Hargroves so much that it has shaken even his political convictions.

"Do people even do this during presidential elections? Do people really just vote for what they know or like over what is clearly the correct and obvious choice? MY GOD IN HEAVEN?! IS THIS WHAT A DEMOCRACY IS REALLY LIKE," stated Mr Hargroves to his Facebook page, a status update which engendered 100 comments, zero likes, and a total unfriend net loss of 5 people who just think he is complete maroon.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hargroves continues posting, "THIS IS NOT WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED FOR OUR ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE AND IDIOTIC GOAL OF THE WEEK AWARDS."

Andrew Wenger Credits Houston Dynamo Fan For Sterling Play

Houston, TX - Recently acquired Houston Dynamo player Andrew Wenger has credited his fantastic early season form to one fan in particular of the Houston Dynamo.

"That guy that is always yelling where to go and what to do from the stand? Yeah, he has really helped me out this season," stated Wenger to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

Typically, players are loathe to admit they can even hear the fans only crediting a general noise or atmosphere, but Wenger has broken the mold and admitted that Juan Gonzalves of Katy, TX has been extremely influential for Mr. Wenger's play this season.

"I can always hear Juan yelling, 'VAMOS VAMOS VAMOS' and then I know to run or move faster to cover ground. The same way I can hear him yelling 'DERECHA! DERECHA!' if I need to move out to the right or 'Izquierda! IZQUIERDA!' if I need to move or pass to the left. It really has been an education for me and being able to hear his coaching ability from the stands has pushed me to a new level."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Gonzalves about this relationship with Mr. Wenger and he stated that it has been an unusual situation.

"I usually always yell things from the stands as my way of communicating what the players should do, but typically the players ignore my advice. With Andrew, he has really taken my random notions and general exclamations to a whole new level, and I think he is a better player for it. I frequently yell 'shoot.... SHOOOOOOOOOOOT!' during warm ups as well and he takes this advice without question."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Wenger how long he plans to keep taking Mr Gonzalves unsolicited advice and he had the following to say, "Well, I thought about dropping it for a moment during the last game, but I could hear Juan screaming, 'QUE ES ESTO?!... ANDREW... PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!' and then I realized that I can't let go just yet."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Gonzalves watches tape to prepare some notes that he will subsequently scream at Mr. Wenger during the next home game.

NYCFC Fan Still Waiting To Get Into Stadium For Game Last Sunday

NEW YORK - New York City FC fan Lucas Oswaldes is still waiting in line with more than 200 other  NYCFC fans to try make it into the stadium for the game against the Toronto Football Club that already finished on 3-13-2016

The line for NYCFC fans as of Tuesday the 15th at 1:30 pm waiting to attend the game last Sunday.

Despite knowing that the game was completed with a 2-2 scoreline, Mr. Oswaldes admitted that he is still going to wait to get into the stadium, just to prove a point.

"I know that they changed the ticket policy at the last minute after claiming they weren't going to change anything just last month and they did a generally horrible method of notifying the fan base, but I'm planning on sticking this thing out and making a point of my having to miss three or four days of work to get into the stadium for a game," stated Mr. Oswaldes to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

Reportedly, Mr Oswlades has already been fired from his job after not showing up but that hasn't dampened his passion for showing up the club he just started supporting last season. 

"They are wrong and they know it. This policy and the timing of it was a complete disaster and I hope they feel bad."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Bill Stewart of the New York City FC front office about this policy change and he had the following to say.

"We did have the intention of changing this down the line, but the Yankees told us otherwise, and honestly... money talks. We would care, but we already GOT the money from the people whether they were in the stadium or not. Feel free to complain, but no one here really cares. Next time we will make it even more complicated to get into the stadium and we won't even notify you what you need to bring!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC announces they will only take tickets in the form of a retinal scan with a DNA screen and Urinalysis for their next home game against Orlando City.

Sporting Kansas City Fan Upset With Lack Of Poor Ownership To Complain About

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Quincy admitted that he is a bit upset with the fact that he doesn't have anything to complain about regarding the ownership of Sporting Kansas City

"Establishment... Establishment.... I love your onion rings!"

"We are winning, we have a new bar, we have a beautiful stadium, and we have a committed ownership. I can't be against modern football if I'm for all the comforts that modern football brought me. It's quite a dilemma," stated Mr Quincy to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

Reportedly, Mr Quincy has positioned himself as being Against Modern Football for a number of years, but feels that his pursuit of status within that group is now in danger with his acceptance of his current comfortable lifestyle.

"It's hard to be against the establishment when the establishment has given you an MLS cup and two US Open Cups in the past 4 seasons with all the stadium and non stadium items and perks. I'm still planning on hanging an 'Against Modern Football' banner but I'm going to put '(except for our ownership which is pretty great)' in really small text underneath. That way I can cover all my bases."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Quincy reconsiders his stance on pyro in the stadium because the $1 tacos are so damn good at the No Other Pub.

Man Admits He Didn't Get What He Wanted For Crewsmas

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Kerry Oliver admitted that he didn't get what he wanted for Crewsmas on Saturday.

"No presents were left under the Crewsmas tree,

except a Gatorade bottle filled with Pedialyte for three."

"I simply asked for a Lego Crew set, a Crew stunt set with movable Hejduk action figure and CREWcycle that can jump the CREWramp over the light on fire Crew stadium jumbotron, a Nintendo Entertainment System with Nintendo World Cup, and three points," stated a morose Mr Oliver to his girlfriend Sandra on Tuesday. 

Mr Oliver admitted that the usual harmony and discord of Crewsmas was rendered shabby when he thought about all the points left on the table.

"I look forward to Crewsmas every year, and without three points... well.... the arguing, the family drama, the inevitable blow ups against each other, the threat of someone stating, 'fuck this, i'm leaving' before they come back with beer all just rings hollow."

Mr Oliver said that the only thing that would make him feel happy after such a disappointing Crewsmas was to sing his favorite song as he starting singing for our onsite reporter....

"Over E Hudson and past Crestview to Mapfre we will go, with Pipa we sing and Kamara will ring the post with goal upon goal OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Over E Hudson and past Crestview to Mapfre we will go........"

Mr Oliver attempted to finish his song that was gathering steam with his friends when he was interrupted by another group singing 

"Feliz Crewzidad"

And our Nutmeg News reporter left with both groups arguing about which song they should continue singing at the post loss tailgate.

Major League Soccer T.I.F.O Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to the second week of the rest of your life, Major League Soccer fans and fans of teams within this league, fans of other leagues, and fans of the the Purina International Dog show that somehow got here.

The Nutmeg News has collected and summarized the Top 3 best T.I.F.O displays in the league from the supporters groups associated with those teams. Why Top 3? Because there was a sale on kits at Ross and we needed to take advantage for future MEGA KIT GIVEAWAYS (tm).

These rankings are iron clad and fully vested within all states and provinces except for Guam and Alberta. They are non-negotiable and if you disagree, you are wrong. Having said that, here are the best T.I.F.O displays of the week.

#1 New York City FC - Third Rail

Summary: There is nothing better than a philosophical debate espoused by a supporters group in message format, and so the #1 position this week goes to the Third Rail, who asks, "Whose World Is This?" as though it was debating freshman year Immanuel Kant in front of their girlfriend. Honestly, there was no reason to default to Kant when they spent most of the time studying Alexander Gottlieb Baumgarten and his new meaning of aesthetics.

#2 New England Revolution - The Fort

Summary: Enjoying a dabble into a mixed medium T.I.F.O of cut holes, fabric and paint, supporters in The Fort decided they were going to try a new avant garde method of display and painting. Revolution supporters utilized a T.I.F.O display that would show the fragility of life and this ideal resulted in approximately 10,000 holes in the fabric to show directly the delicate composition of life justaposed against the color of ones existence as it flits in and out of the lines of a path. Very new, very different. As well, the juxtaposition of staff and hole indicates that the figure was poking out their own holes in their own painting adding a subsection of life in art in life in art in life in art in life that depicts the utter fecklessness of life, hell, religion and the Vatican. 

#3 Colorado Rapids - Centennial 38/Various

Summary: This T.I.F.O is really just great. It is utterly fantastic at every level. The scope, the painting, the idea, the framing, and the fact that a T.I.F.O display this large can be held up by all 7 of the people in that section. 

DISHONORABLE MENTION: 

This weeks dishonorable mention goes to......

Sporting Kansas City - South Stand SC

Summary:

Drake.

Really?........ REALLY?! 

Drake.

Seriously?

Sigh.

At least we can be certain the millennials were happy. And one could make the argument that appropriating a fan of Toronto FC is some kind of statement, even though SKC weren't playing Toronto. If they WERE playing Toronto FC, then this would be an interesting combination of game and display. Sadly, Sporting Kansas City was not playing Toronto, they were playing Vancouver. Despite the fact that Canadians might be interchangeable between Ontario and British Columbia, there is no argument that Vancouver are actually Toronto FC. The good news is that likely everyone not aged 22 and under was wondering why the guy on the banner was rubbing MLS cup on his ass.