Portland Timbers To Auction Off Opportunity To Have Merritt Paulson Tell Fans To Go Fuck Themself

Portland, OR - Fans in Portland are lining up at the new chance offered by the Portland Timbers to have Merritt Paulson tell you to go fuck yourself on your Twitter account, Facebook account, or Via Snapchat. 

YOU can be like this lucky fan!

YOU can be like this lucky fan!

"What we have here is a limited time opportunity to have the owner of the team you love tell you to go fuck yourself," stated Timbers public relations officer Tom Reinhold. "We are offering Timbers fans a chance to bid on the opportunity for such an offering with all the proceeds being donated back to the public relations team to hire another press secretary to wrangle away the phone of the ownership after a tough game."

Fans of the Timbers are reportedly extremely excited at this opportunity as The Nutmeg News spoke to a number of them on Monday morning.

"I've always wanted an opportunity to have Merritt Paulson tell me to go fuck myself," stated Harry Mathewson. "I've seen a number of lucky Timbers fans that were told to go fuck themselves, but I never thought I would get the chance. I'm planning on bidding high on this opportunity. It really is a dream of mine. Tell me how bad I am! Tell me to go fuck myself!"

While some fans are hoping that the opportunity will go for a low amount, others are preparing for the inevitable.

"I'm taking out a second mortgage," stated Victoria Causwell. "I know Timbers fans and if there is anything they love more than anything it is when fans of the team get told to fuck off by ownership. I know this auction is going to go for a high amount and I'm planning on being the winner. I WILL be told to go fuck myself by the owner of the team I love."

Reportedly, the Timbers Army has started a GoFundMe to raise funds in order to have the official account be told to go fuck itself stating, "Help us raise money to fund our efforts to be told to go fuck ourselves by ownership."