Rec League Roundup publishes anonymous letters written by players and referees in local recreational soccer leagues.
Yes, I am still fit enough to be a referee in your league. Seriously. Don't believe me? Let's have a push up contest. I'll put this goddamn cigarette out in your EYE! Everyone on your team is on warning.
Despite my inability to run for longer than 2 minutes, my declining overall health that comes from having smoked two packs a day for the past 20 years, my fading eyesight and my lack of understanding regarding the laws of the game, I plan on maintaining my stranglehold on the exalted position of being the center referee that decides your teams position in the league this season.
Now, granted, the last time I took a look at the laws of the game was 1991 and I don't really have an understanding of any of the new interpretations, but that shouldn't matter. You can't rely on television and pundits to tell you what the laws of the game should be. I AM THE LAW.
And given that I can't really keep up with the pace of play, literally any ball that is punted up to a forward is going to be called offside. Deep kick? Offside. Goal? Offside. That is, until I need to go home and grab a beer. Then it is game on and I'm planning on calling absolutely nothing. I might even send someone off and not explain it. You better believe that I'm going to tell your most volatile player that keeps running his mouth to shut up. He's going to get suspended for chest bumping me and point his finger in my face and you are going to have to write a letter of apology to get him reinstated.
Want to get mouthy with me? You little punk. RED CARD.
Don't even THINK about playing an offside trap. If you do that, I'm calling everything onside and there isn't a single assistant referee that is going to overrule me because they all heard that story about me losing my shit on that little punk Daniel Webster back in 2012.
So lets get this game going, I've got darts with the boys in an hour.