Man Refuses To Attend Child's Soccer Game After Watching UEFA Champions League

LOS ANGELES - Mark Abbot, Juventus fan and champions league aficionado, declared that he will not attend his child's soccer game as he cannot handle the comparison to the UEFA Champions League that he watched earlier in the day.

"You are shit and your team is shit and this is why I won't take you to watch the so-called LA Galaxy. Dream bigger, get better and stop caring about stuff local to you, which is awful football. When you make the Champions League THEN I will watch."

"The quality difference between your team and Juventus is noticeable and I refuse to watch shit," stated Mr Abbot to his son Jeremy, on Tuesday. "Be better, be champions league and I'll come watch. You and your pals are just fumble fucking around on the field and I'm not driving all the way out to Glendale to watch shit level football."

Reportedly Jeremy was crushed but Mr Abbot stated that the only way to encourage his son to get better was by ensuring that he pointed out how terrible he and his team are. 

"They are 7 years old. They should be better. Given the choice between watching Pogba play and watching my 7 year old child I am obviously going to pick Pogba. I don't understand how anyone could watch the CONCACAF Champions League after watching UEFA Champions League and I don't understand how anyone would want to watch a bunch of 7 year olds sulking about the field after watching the magical performance of Paulo Dybala."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Abbot informs his daughter that he will no longer attend her piano recital after watching the New York Philharmonic play.

Fans Gather Early As Spring Renews The Annual CONCACAF Champions League, "Shitting Of The Bed"

Fans began to gather early, this spring, for the annual Shitting Of The Bed, a yearly Major League Soccer tradition that begins when the first robin flying around a bent ball over Chad Marshall's head sees a Mexican team score.

Two away goals? Two away goals. 

"It's going to be glorious this year," stated Dolores Stanbridge of King County. "The plumage, the flight pattern of the ball, the players falling down, the inability of our own players to hold a lead, why this might be a banner year for the spring shitting of the bed."

With eager CONCACAF'ers gathering to witness the migratory event of teams from Mexico travelling north, displacing teams from the United States and Canada and returning to their nest with shiny objects, many are waiting for the next round of migratory events with binoculars in hand.

"I'm interested to see the wild plumage of the new Tigres," stated CONCACAF'er Yancey Hargood of Wasatch County. "What we have here is the annual tradition of watching all our teams bottle it against better teams with better players, but here in Salt Lake City we call this the OhNo Of The Bed."

While many fans have gathered to individually watch their teams shit the bed, many have gathered together in so-called watch parties to commiserate as their teams slowly fall apart against Mexican teams in usually spectacular fashion.

NOT AGAIN

"We gathered here, together, to watch DC United fight it out for 70 minutes against the wild Querétaro," stated D.C. United watch party host Thomas Lubjac. "Supposedly the endangered Querétaro is also awful, but that didn't seem to prevent them from putting two goals up on us. The good news is that our branding is on point, our logo is fresh, and we may or may not have a stadium at some point in the next 7 years.... and that's really all that matters."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other teams raise the hope of United States CONCACAFers before shitting the bed, again, in spectacular fashion.

Woman's Soccer Fan Bravely Soldiers On Despite Being Wrong

Des Moines, IA - Women's soccer fan Elizabeth Godos bravely soldiered on wither her opinions on Tuesday despite being very wrong about nearly all of them.

"SOMEONE IS SAYING SOMETHING BAD ABOUT JULIE JOHNSTON."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mrs. Godos friend Carla Peres about her friends opinions and she had the following to say, "Well, Liz is often really really wrong, but the thing that she has going for her is the ability to just ignore common sense and forge ahead with a bunch of bullshit opinions about the game that make no sense whatsoever. She is just the consummate warrior, soldiering on with her horrible opinions despite having the facts lobbed at her like grenades. She isn't really like that in real life, but on the internet.... ugh... just forget about trying to talk any sense to her."

While Mrs Godos has the unique ability to ignore the signs that she is incorrect, she also has the technique to lash out in a 360 degree direction against everyone that tries to reason with her.

"Fuck that. Fuck Them. and Fuck Off. The USA is the #1 nation in the world, our team is the best, our infrastructure is the best, our development is best, our players are the best and the clubs here in the stupid NWSL are just in desperate servitude towards expanding our empire of trophies in international competitions. I hope everyone understands how bad every other team, player and country in the world is at soccer," spewed Mrs. Godos on her twitter account in a multi tweet rant.

Reportedly Mrs. Godos stated more but she blocked The Nutmeg News after we asked about players outside the United States that were, reportedly, fantastic players in their own rights.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we speak to Mrs. Godos' husband, Charles, who is also an opinionated dickhead about the game in the United States.

Analyst Intentionally Overrates USMNT In Order To Justify Current Hate Of Klinsmann

"The United States should make it to the semi-finals of the Copa America, at least" stated soccer analyst Nathan Mattocks defying all rational belief in the talent of the team.

BUT THEY TOLD US WE WERE EXCEPTIONAL, THEY TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO WIN!

While widely renowned for his soccer analysis, Mr Mattocks also admits that he is a current hater of Jurgen Klinsmann and has decided to overrate the chances of the United States Men's team  during the upcoming Copa America tournament in order to draw more attention to the purported failings of Mr Klinsmann.

"Look, I hate Jurgen Klinsmann,"  stated Mr Mattocks to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "If I overrate the United States team and their chances in this tournament, then by the time that the USMNT flails out of the competition people will completely blame Klinsmann for the systemic problems that exist on a massive scale with United States soccer. When the team finally fails to live up to the hype that I generate, maybe we will finally see a change. A coach is largely a person that we can blame for nearly everything that happens with the team regardless of whether they are problems he created or inherited."

Mr. Mattocks stated that he plans on belligerently talking about home field advantage as though somehow that is going to magically make Mix Diskerud turn into James Rodriguez. 

"It's important. Home field advantage is going to make all the difference for our players that can't break into the international leagues due to some massive conspiracy against USA players. This whole Copa America should prove that the United States is vastly underrated regionally and could compete with CONMEBOL teams on a regular basis if they would just fire Jurgen Klinsman and hire someone American who speaks English."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the United States press continues to talk themselves into the chances of the United States making an impact on the Copa America.

Area Parents Stage Intervention After Son Mainlines Four MLS Pre-Season Games

Pine Hills, FL - Area parents, Ricky and LaShaun DeMichaels staged an intervention for their son Robert after he was caught watching four Major League Soccer pre-season game streams this weekend.

"Son, we want you to know that we love you and that pre-season games are not the answer. You must know that somewhere in your heart."

"Rob, we need to talk about your problem," stated LaShaun DeMichaels after both parents assured Robert that they loved him and that they... that the family were concerned.

"At first you just dabbled in USL streams and that seemed infrequent. At least it was social use and regular season games, but this is just getting out of hand now," stated Ricky DeMichaels. "Your sisters are concerned, I'm concerned, your grandparents are concerned."

While Robert DeMichaels sat stone faced attempting to not reflexively check his twitter account to see what the score was in the late Portland Timbers v Minnesota United game, his parents continued to try to break through to him.

"Rob, we love you and we all just want the best for you," stated Mr DeMichaels. "Pre-season games are unhealthy. This is just unnatural. Can't you see the hurt that you are causing to your friends? They used to talk to you about Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi but now all you want to talk about is whether or not Donadel from Montreal is going to be a difference maker based on his minutes during the pre-season game against DC United and whether Brek Shea can recapture the form before his move to Stoke. THIS IS KILLING YOUR FATHER, ROB!"

After finishing their speech regarding their concerns, Robert DeMichaels gave some condescending platitudes about slowing down his pre-season MLS consumption before speaking to his soccer dealer on the phone about starting an Orlando City podcast.

MLS Firm Fights Itself After Failing To Secure Rivals For Punchup

San Jose, CA - San Jose Earthquakes firm "Rough and Tumble Bhoys SJ" has announced that it will fight itself after failing to find a rival firm with which to have a punchup

"I've had this jacket sitting in my closet for 3 months, I'm not wearing it til I get a chance to punch someone in the face over football!"

"We put out a request to fight this season on a number of different message boards including Big Soccer, Facebook, Twitter, Ultras-Tifo and even Tumblr without any responses. We are apparently the only hard lads left in Major League Soccer," stated top boy Jeffrey Newbury.

While the Rough and Tumble Bhoys had a difficult time setting up fights, they haven't had a hard time talking about fighting and their attempts at hooliganism on social media as their endless quest to be recognized goes unrequited.

"We set up a punch up with blokes down in Malibu with a fighting app called Grinder, but that turned out to be a different meetup entirely," stated Newbury. "We ended up getting pissed, having a walk about, lifting some new Stone Island clobber, having a row with some moaning little bloke outside an Abercrombie and Fitch and I bought the whole firm a razzmatazz Jamba Juice in celebration."

While the Rough and Tumble Bhoys struck out in Malibu, their quest to punch other fans in the face will not end so easily as Mr. Newbury elucidated, "My geezer and I are here to smash your gobs in, even if that means we have to get a bunch of our own lads together to fight. I'm gonna punch someone, somewhere over football. This is going to happen. I'm going to endlessly talk about the time I took someone down with my trainer before trying to not get blood on my new tracksuit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the members of the Rough and Tumble Bhoys tweet out pictures from the gym of them lifting with their eyes covered for anonymity before they go to punch each other in the face.

Journalist Runs Out Of Energy While Writing Team Specific Season Previews

TORONTO - Sports Journalist Kevin Fruend admitted that he ran out of energy while writing the season preview for each of the 20 teams in Major League Soccer for 2016.

Just don't look at the non-glamorous teams... we mailed those in.

"I was on fire for the first 12 and then I started to peter out," admitted Fruend to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Once I started getting into the team specific variables for San Jose, Colorado, Chicago and Houston I just started losing concentration."

Fruend stated that he really honestly tried to write something specific for each team that his readers would enjoy, but that it was just too hard to come up with things for teams that he just didn't really care about.

"I mean, whats the angle on San Jose? New players that actually have already played there before and another year of messing around with the minutes for Tommy Thompson? Positives: Um ... ok... how about, not boring fans to tears and making the playoffs by backing into them with one game left in the season. I mean, c'mon, what do I have to write about there?"

With the deadline for Fruend's team previews arriving quickly, he stated that he is just going to figure out a boilerplate template that he can use to finish out the final 8 teams in Major League Soccer and then call it a night. 

"Hopefully my editor will start with TFC first, since I put the most effort into them and then everyone will just skim the rest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one person comments that his writing is lazy in the comments section of his San Jose article.

The Nutmeg News Writer Found Dead After "Fill The Bowl" Pitch Session

Puerto Vallarta, MX - Harold Franklin, long time writer for The Nutmeg News and cat enthusiast, was found dead after suffering a seizure from all the jokes that could be made out of the "Fill The Bowl" promotion from Orlando City SC.

He died as he lived, by taking pictures of statues of seahorses.

"OH. MY. GOD," stated Franklin, "they are doing it again?! THERE'S TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY!"

Franklin and other staff members were taking drugs stock of the upcoming columns they were slated to be writing at the semi-weekly TNN private meeting at our palacial estate in Puerto Vallarta. The reporters and editors were having a meeting about the 2016 Major League Soccer (MLS) season when Franklin began to babble nearly incoherently about FILL THE BOWL.

"Fill the BOWL? FILL THE BOWL!? LIKE POOP, POOP, MARIJUANA, M-M-MARIJUANA, POOP, CEREAL, A POOP BASED MARIJUANA. M-M-M-M," babbled Franklin.

Totally gonna fill that bowl!

The Nutmeg News spoke to newly promoted editor David Stewart about the scene and he had the following to say, "He kept babbling on about weed and poop until everyone thought he was having a stroke. As it turns out..."

Franklin is survived by his cat Persephone and his collection of 14 century Venetian erotica.

The NASL Releases Long Term Prospectus

The North American Soccer League (NASL) released their long term plan on Thursday after fans of the league and the teams therein have been clamoring for the league plans for the future.

"See, if you notice this image.. we have a pyramid and we have a scheme. That scheme is to be the top of the pyramid. Others will have to be the bottom. That is our pyramid scheme."

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain an advanced copy and below are the items in the 10 point plan.

NASL 10 Year/10 Point Prospectus

#1 Be The Best  - (Within 5 years)

#2 Get Paid 

#3 Get More Teams

#4 Get Even MORE Teams

#5 Get More Money

#6 Get Even MORE Money

#7 Get on TV (Within 5 years)

#8 Take Over For That Other League - (Within 6 years)

#9 Continue To Be The Best (10 years)

#10 Don't Not Be The Best

The Nutmeg News asked NASL president Bill Peterson how the league plans to accomplish the aforementioned tasks and he stated the following, "We plan on diversifying our core branding perspective, signing better advertising executives and getting on television. Then we just sit back, be the best, allow people to see we are the best and then we make money. It's really quite easy."

When asked whether he thinks the NASL will ever truly be able to compete as a first division when it barely seems, at times, to be able to get its head out of its own ass and has teams with financial difficulties playing with horrible infrastructure and utilizing high school football stadiums Commissioner Peterson stated, "Maybe!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL continues their quixotic quest towards relevance.

Minnesota United Fans Already Regretting MLS Move

Minneapolis, MN - Fans of the team formerly known as Minnesota United have admitted that they are already regretting to move to Major League Soccer as their teams small history begins to be carved up to the process of branding and "good for the league" bullshit.

"So about this... um.... really awkward... but since you already committed... we are going to need to change your name, your stadium, your colors, your logo and... um... those fans that bring the flares?..... yeah... they need to be banned. So... yeah.... if you could get on that it would be great."

In a follow up to our report on Sacramento Republic fans, The Nutmeg News interviewed various members of the Minnesota soccer establishment to get their viewpoint on the upcoming branding enforcement on their team.

"Well, this sucks. I mean we have already been through a bunch of different iterations (Stars, Thunder, Strikers, etc) in regards to our team before being actually United under the name United so it isn't like we aren't used to change," stated Minnesota United fan Bruce Hanson.

"Look, we know the name isn't original in terms of the global game, but it actually reflects a real connection to this team name under which we became united. It reflects that team that we have grown to love. It reflects us being United from the Stars, Thunder, Strikers. After all, this was The Team That Nobody Wanted. Now it is likely going to be the team re-branded because Atlanta has a billionaire owner."

While Minnesota fans have already begun feeling disenfranchised by Major League Soccer despite not even playing there this season, Arthur Blank announced that he doesn't care as he rolled in one hundred dollar bills atop a comforter made out of silk.

"Fuck em," stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. "I've got more money than they do. That's the only brand that matters in Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United fans celebrate the end of their run.

Timbers Fan Achieves Rare Status After Acquiring New Scarf

West Linn, OR - Timbers fan Thom Sanderson has achieved the accolade of Best Timbers Fan In The World after acquiring a recent scarf made by members of the R/Timbers subreddit.

"I wonder if I could just nip down there and take a few. I just need a taste. Just a simple taste. Something to cut the edge. Just need a fix. Anyone got a dollar so I can buy a scarf?"

Mr. Sanderson was presented with a plaque stating that after collecting 356 scarves, 2000 patches, 194 programs, and a very large number of collectible cups that he was the best fan out of all the fans of the Timbers anywhere, ever.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Sanderson on Wednesday about this massive achievement.

"Well, I was late to the game as I only started collecting scarves in 2010, but I managed to really find a good way to collect a massive amount of them. Now, granted, this took a ton of disposable income that I probably should have been saving to spend on a house given the recent cost of living increases, but honestly... I've got to be there for my team."

After 5 years of hoarding collectibles at his 1 bedroom apartment in West Linn, Sanderson finally realized that he was only one scarf away from reaching the rarefied status of being The Best Timbers Fan In The World.

"I was sitting on 355 scarves and 2000 patches after acquiring a set of patches in a trade for a program from 2011, so I realized all I needed was one more scarf, just one more scarf to be The Best Timbers Fan In The World. The only way to go was to find a new scarf that I didn't have so I bought one of those scarves from those fellas online at Reddit. I don't even go there for news, but I just needed the collectible."

Sanderson admitted that recently his car broke down and he is trying to figure out how to fix it given that his money is all tied up in diversified collectible goods.

"It's tough when your money is in the collectibles market, but this will pay off for me in the future. I'll be able to control the price points here in a few years when new fans are looking for a way to be authentic."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Sandersons hopes are crushed as Steve Arbogast passes him to become The Best Timbers Fan In The World by collecting 357 scarves.

New England Revolution Ask Fans To Check Babies At The Door

Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution front office has asked all fans to check their babies at the door for the 2016 season after issuing a new list of prohibited items for the upcoming season.

Off to the game! Take him, please.

"We don't allow backpacks, messenger bags, or diaper bags so it should stand to reason that we won't allow our fans to bring in babies," stated the secretary to the secretary of the owner of the Revolution, Robert Kraft. "The Revolution security has suspicions that fans are smuggling in copious amounts of whisky in their diaper bags and babies, and we are taking proactive measures to cut down on this."

With the Revolution front office denying entry for parents with their diaper bags, cinch bags, backpacks and babies, they have installed a disposal center for babies at the entry gates where newborns can be given to less privileged non-soccer going families who just can't find a baby of their own.

"Don't you be bringing in those fanny packs, they are the DEVILS pack."

"This opportunity allows our fans to give back to the community by donating white babies to couples in need. Our partnership with the organization Baby For Maybe allows couples on the fence about baby ownership to test out a healthy white baby that was left at the gate of a Revolution game near you," stated president Brian Bilello.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we release our study into how to prepare for a Revolution game by packing everything you need for your family in a clear plastic bag.

Rayo OKC To Focus On Neighborhood by Espousing Regional Values

Yukon, OK - In an effort to connect in a micro regional way with their fanbase like their parent club Rayo Vallecano, Rayo OKC will focus on espousing the values and viewpoints of their regional neighborhood of Yukon, Oklahoma.

COMING TO A YUKON OKLAHOMA HIGH SCHOOL NEAR YOU! Well... er... definitely not.

The club announced that it will be for defining marriage as the union between a man and a woman, for the death penalty, for gun ownership rights and for a limited government with no social assistance.

"The viewpoints of some living in the Yukon area may be antithetical to our own belief system in Vallecano, but we must service those residents of Yukon and Canadian County," stated owner Raúl Martín Presa. "The demographics in Yukon are 87% white and  67% Republican. As such, we are having a defense of marriage day in May 2016 where Rayo Oklahoma City will have a 'marriage for Men and Women only' booth as well as inviting televangelist Kenneth Copeland from Lubbock to minister to our players and fans. Over 1 million people in Oklahoma voted in 2004 to define marriage as existing only between a man and a woman. Even if that was invalidated in 2014, we must reflect the values of our areas. After all, recent polling still puts the issue about 66% against legal same sex marriage in Oklahoma."

Rayo OKC has also announced a "Jesus is God" camp with players and fans ministering to the hopeless and the destitute in Canadian County.

"We hope that our efforts to integrate ourselves into the neighborhood will be appreciated," stated Sean Jones, co-owner of Rayo OKC. "While we may not always agree with our constituents, it is important that their viewpoint feel appreciated. Just like in Vallecano where they are anti-facist, and have messages of solidarity, here in Yukon we will have messages of solidarity with our local high school football team and will be strictly anti-carpet bagging big city liberals from Oklahoma City moving here."

FC Dallas Fan Begins Preparation For July 31st Game

Arlington, TX - FC Dallas fan Dale Lewiston has begun preparation for the July 31st home game against the Vancouver Whitecaps.

"Getting your mind right is an important part of the process. I like to think about the Cowboys." - Dale Lewiston

With FC Dallas only playing one game before 8:00 pm at home during the summer months, Lewiston has realized the value in preparing for the upcoming sufferfest that is a 5:00 pm July 31st home game. With a max temperature of over 100 degrees on July 31st for the past three years, Lewiston began his training now in order to reap the greatest benefits.

"Well, I set up my barbecue grill inside a local sauna and I've been working on my tolerance to the early game by drinking and grilling up a whole mess of taters and beans and hot dogs in this sauna, just good wholesome food," stated Mr Lewiston to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I've been doing so wearing my customary gear which includes my favorite jeans, a long sleeve button down and a baseball cap. I need to ensure authenticity to the situation and build up my tolerance."

Mr Lewiston has tickets in section 132 on the east side of the stadium where the setting sun routinely cooks the entire east end before settling down to a balmy 95 degrees.

"I find it important to cross train so I'm mixing Budweiser with Shiner this season," stated Lewiston. "I'm also cross training by doing my beer drinking partially in the sauna and then partially out to ensure that I don't wilt when the sun goes down. It's important to make certain that I can drink at all times. Eventually, when my tolerance level goes up, I'm going to mix in some Titos to ensure I can handle the random cocktail that my friend Jeff likes to throw my way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Lewiston suffers a training set back by having his Budweiser replaced with mineral water.

Joe Roth Calls Press Conference To Discuss "Panamanian Cocaine Merchants" As Distraction

Seattle, WA - The minority owner of the Seattle Sounders, Joe Roth, called a press conference on Monday to discus his views on, "Panamanian cocaine merchants and their cut up product delivered by Cubans" as a distraction away from recent events.

再见大家，并感谢所有的超级记忆。我要完全得到报酬，哟。

"They say the best way to get over one scandal is create a different one," said a gleeful Roth to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So I figure that I'll just go back to the well of stupid things that I said in order to distract everyone from Obafemi Martins potentially leaving for China and the hiring of Keith Costigan."

While primarily focusing on the aforementioned Panamanian coke merchants, reportedly Roth will also discuss his feelings on Donald Trump, his feelings on SigiOUT, and whether or not there should be a remake of Taxi Driver with Vin Diesel.

"We are just getting started here," stated Roth to an agog audience. "Just wait til I talk about race relations, age restrictions in soccer, pay to play and Eddie Johnson. By the time I'm done with this press conference you won't even remember what to be upset about! Also, shout out to Sounder At Heart commentator Fnarf for his terrible comments about me. Get bent, Fnarf!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Joe Roth decides to talk about Guatemalan players who get involved with beauty pageant contestants. 

The Reanimated Corpse Of Ronald Reagan Decries Atlanta United Photoshop

Simi Valley, CA - Direct from an open casket at the presidential library in Simi Valley, the reanimated corpse of the 40th President Of The United States, Ronald Reagan, decried the Atlanta United photoshop that showed he was in Atlanta United colors.

Ronnie finds some time to play kick around with Steve Moyers and Subway advertising pitchman Pele.

"Atlanta United is not for me," stated Reagan to a collection of shocked tourists. "I think soccer is a communist sport bent upon turning the youth of America into communist sympathizing parasites, at least that is what Nancy tells me. Folks, I'm definitely a down home fan of the American dream, Football, cheerleading and the New York Cosmos."

While Reagan stated this, he continued his folksy backwoods manner of addressing the crowd by stating that he had contacts in the great beyond that identified current members of Major League Soccer who were communist sympathizers. 

"I wouldn't wear this. Red is the color of communists!"

"We must take down the communist menace by informing on those around us to ensure they don't work anymore. We must also strip away the current welfare state of Major League Soccer and remove the socialist influences therein," stated Reagan as he showed a possible shift towards supporting promotion and relegation.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Gerald Ford announces his support of Lansing United.

Rivalry Forms As Race For The Bottom Intensifies

A reported rivalry between Chicago Fire supporters and Colorado Rapids supporters has formed after both of their front offices figure out new and inventive ways to disenfranchise both groups.

"Now you guys just get out there and knock it about. Not too well, mind you. We have standards."

"We figured we might as well enjoy this slow descent into hell," stated Fire supporter Geoff Holland. "Losing Shipp is just another nail in the coffin, especially with his eloquent goodbye that was posted. I mean he may not have been the savoir of our team, but at least he was ours. Now we can all just descend quicker into the miasma of hate that will suffocate Section 8 this season."

Rapids fan Victoria Natchez stated that she refuses to let the Fire win out on the most miserable team in 2016 stating, "If we aren't going to win much this season, we should at least win at being the worst. I want to see a full sale atom bomb type season, with Pablo gone after 3 months and fans showing up in sackcloth and ashes. It's going to be amazing and I refuse to let Chicago own the title of worst team in Major League Soccer. We want to create a trophy that both sets of fans can trade between each other. Something like the wooden spoon but more desperate and horrifying. Maybe it'll be the wooden bed pan award."

With both sets of fans competing for the bottom of the table, the fanbases are going to try new ways to watch their teams slow meandering run towards defeat with Chicago supporters group member Paul Merson stating, "I'm just going to show up with a two stick that has our number of wins on it, that way I won't have to do too much work. I love this team, but I'm not going anywhere so I might as well have fun as I slowly watch my friends not come back to the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Chicago scores a small number of victories out of the gate leading everyone to say that they are fine before they struggle the rest of the season.

Commissioner Of The NWSL Unable To Commit and Set The Date

NEW YORK - Jeff Plush, the commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League, announced that he, "Just wasn't feeling it" in regards to committing to another year of soccer for the league.

"Look, I just need some space right now. No, I'm not saying that we are breaking up. Look, just... let's take some time, talk about a schedule, but not set a date. Let's just do that as friends. Can we be friends? I mean maybe we don't NEED to set a date. How about if we just start playing and we will tell your dad and brother about it later."

"I kinda feel like the magic ran out and no amount of Brazilians that are purchased or exotic women that we bring into our locker rooms are going to help me find that spark again," stated Plush to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

Reportedly Plush started feeling this way when people started asking about his feelings on the league, whether he would finally set a date for the opening kick off, whether or not he was interested in a long term commitment and what his thoughts were on having kids, attending the games and becoming fans.

"It was a lot of pressure all at the same time, and I just felt like setting a date was really adding even more pressure," stated a flustered Comissioner Plush to his cool friend Brad who never got married and just rides a scooter around the Coney Island boardwalk picking up chicks. "I just wanted to take things slow, build up nice and easy and just see where we were in July. If we were playing by then, great. However, all this pressure is making me re-think my commitment and I just don't know that I want to set the date. Even my parents keep asking me, 'When are you going to set the date, Jeff. We want to see games. We want to see the kids at the park.' IT IS JUST TOO MUCH GODDAMN PRESSURE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Plus heads off to Atlantic City to blow off some steam and see how he feels about his relationship with the NWSL afterward.

Indifferent Miami Fans Unaware That The Soul Of Their Team Is Being Sold

Miami, FL - Indifferent Miami soccer fans were reportedly unaware that the soul of their team was being sold from good guy, blue collar everyman David Beckham to a bunch of greedy dudes from some place that sounds menacing.

He's just a normal guy trying to fight all the billionaires and millionaires.

The Nutmeg News spoke to local resident Jaime Gutierrez about the situation and he had the following to say, "Huh?"

Resident soccer crank and all around online complainer James Weston reportedly was aghast at this response saying, "The soul of the sport is for sale in Miami and people there can't even be bothered to care? Our game is being sold to the Qataris! I mean, It's already been sold to the Austrians, the Abu Dhabis, and the homophobic billionaires in the United States, but the Qataris would be a bridge too far!"

The Nutmeg News decided to go further and contact Mr Guiterrez about an expansion on his original comment and he had the following to say, "Yeah, um.... I don't really care. One millionaire selling to a bunch of billionaires so they can bilk the city out of more money and try to find real estate in a very expensive city and try to sell a brand to a bunch of us gullible enough to buy into the narrative that somehow this team belongs to us. I fail to see how this sale would be any different than Beckham running the team. I mean, I have a volleyball game at South Beach in an hour and I just don't care. I will attend some games if this shit gets built, but there is no way the experience in the game is going to be better than sitting on the beach in a nice chair with a cold mojito watching the sun slowly set as my friends work on their bump set form."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people that don't live in Miami get upset about the things happening in Miami for a theoretical franchise that doesn't even really exist yet.

Major League Soccer Continues Annual All Star Game Charade

San Jose, CA - Major League Soccer, today, continued their annual charade performed for the public in which they pretend that anyone cares about the All Star Game.

FINALLY, MY WHOLE YEAR IS COMPLETE. THE ALL-STAR GAME. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Someone, somewhere cares about this and that's who we are reaching towards," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber. "We aren't reaching out to the hard core fans, nor are we reaching out to the casual fans. We are reaching out to the fan that has literally never gone to an MLS game and wants to go because he owns a Tomáš Rosický kit in his closet and this is the closest he has ever gotten to The Emirates."

With all the pomp and circumstance that a completely meaningless game designed to sell advertisement can generate, Major League Soccer announced that the 2016 opponent would be Arsenal, and that the gift bags for reporters would be even better this season.

Reaction on Twitter was swift as many people immediately tried to figure out a way to fix a game that is inherently stupid at its core level.

"I think they should play only 22 year old players on one side and Liga MX players with a name that starts with J on the other," tweeted @HokyPokyGiggs

"I think they should make it USA versus the World because the USA is #1 always and forever," tweeted @ThisEagleIsntBald

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as throngs of press credentials requests are sent to the league requesting access to the after party that the USWNT stars will be visiting.