NYCFC Continue Fan Outreach Program By Sleeping With Jerry Burkhart's Wife

NEW YORK - New York City FC (NYCFC) have noticeably increased their fan outreach program for the 2016 season and will continue this trend next Monday with the coital bedding of Jerry Burkhart's wife, Deborah.

My team and my wife, together.... in the same bed... Now that is community outreach.

"We were having a hard time in the bedroom, NYCFC said they wanted to reach out and involve fans. I thought it would be a great way to spice things up and get my wife to connect with the team," stated Mr Burkhart to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. 

Reportedly, Mr Burkhart, a season ticket holder and fan of NYCFC since 2015, will wait out in the car as NYCFC will wine and dine Deborah, telling her stories of their 2015 season over Royal Osetra Caviar and a bottle of Scharzhofberger Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese at Le Bernardin. 

NYCFC will continue the evening with a night of dancing at Swing 46 Jazz and Supper Club before taking Deborah Burkhart home to make sweet, sweet love to her body, with her acceptance (of course).

NYCFC has announced that they will arise early, make coffee and breakfast while having a languid conversation about the night and their future together while offering a tender foot massage before leaving Mrs Burkhart with her husband.

"I'm excited for a night of pampering and love making," stated Mrs Burkhart. "It's been far too long and perhaps I'll finally understand Jerry's love of this new team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Deborah texts NYCFC the next day to see, "Whats Up?"

Man Misses Acrimony Of Previous Red Bull New York Town Hall

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan David Gregory admitted that he misses the acrimony of the previous Red Bull New York town hall stating, "The hate gave me purpose in life."

"DON'T EVEN SAY HIS FUCKING NAME....... mostly because everything is fine now and there is no reason to bring up the name of Mike Petke."

While Mr Gregory admits that the recent town hall meeting after Mike Petke was fired was one of the darker periods of time in Red Bull New York recent history, he also stated that he found that the intense conflict gave him purpose.

"I knew what we had to do and that was make them pay for firing Petke by yelling at the front office staff. Now with the supporters shield in hand, the CONCACAF Champions League, hitting the playoffs and playing well all last season I'm feeling like an empty balloon, devoid of the hate that had previously filled me up," stated Mr Gregory to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

"I'm thinking of going and trying to re-enact some of the same scenes again just for fun by randomly screaming at Ali Curtis, 'YOU LIE' while asking him if we are going to have beautiful style of play again this season. I'll close out the meeting with a RED BULL OUT chant before taking off to the house to cyber-stalk Sacha Kljestan on Instagram. Now, in 2016, this town hall meeting is just going to be a love fest, with probably some really weird questions. That just isn't going to do it for me."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Gregory if anything could make the evening better and he stated, "Well... i mean I would hate it and I don't really want them to do it, but if they trade Dax to DC United right before the meeting kicks off.... that might make the town hall interesting again."

The Nutmeg News will have more from NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital after Mr Gregory is admitted to the emergency room after being beaten by his own fans for even suggesting something like that. 

Design Team Shocked That Crew Use Kit They Submitted As A Joke

Columbus, OH - The fashion design team of Harrison and Debas admitted that they were shocked to find out that the Columbus Crew used the jersey design they submitted as a joke.

"The blue stands for the color of the Ciroc we were drinking when we came up with this idea."

"We were really just playing around," stated Robinson Debas, "and they actually picked our design. Frankly, we are shocked. We were getting drunk, then we smoked a bunch of weed, loaded up adobe photoshop and went to town. Most of our decisions were based around being stoned and drunk while coming up with an idea we thought there was no way they would select."

With the new design released, Harrison and Debas quickly made up a bunch of bullshit about how the kit reflects their ideals.

"The blue is the color of the Ciroc we were drinking when we came up with this idea, the yellow fading into white is the color of our pee on that evening and the red is just a bunch of stuff we threw together after looking at our eyes in the mirror," stated Mr Debas to The Nutmeg News. "Frankly we are still amazed at this whole thing, but hey... what the hell, you know? I just wonder if they noticed that the kit has a giant embossed dickbutt on the inside of the shirt. I guess we will find out when they make them."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the petition is started to change the Columbus flag, just based on this kit.

Revolution Supporters Release Chant That Just Contains The Word "Oi"

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution supporters group The Rebellion have announced the release of a new chant that just contains the word "Oi!" repeated 365 different times to syncopated rhythms.

Oi - Oi - Oi - Oi - Oi -- REPEAT

The Rebellion announced this new chant after realizing that Oi was a pretty great word that deserved to be utilized more and more in their song repertoire.

"Oi is pretty great," stated the Rebellion leadership committee via an email exchange with The Nutmeg News, "Both as a subgenre and as a word. We love Oi, of course that being the anti-fascist and working class Oi and not the white power or nationalist/fascist Oi which we roundly reject as a bastardization of the culture. In order to show our love of Oi, as a subgenre of punk and Oi! the commonly used British and Australian interjection, we created a new chant for the Revolution that utilizes the word Oi sung over and over again 365 times (to show that we work 365 days a year for the Revolution) to syncopated rhythms that will be played repeatedly until we all pass out into a well lathered and lubricated pile of sweat."

While this new chant is simple, the Revolution supporters have printed out a chant sheet showing the new chant, which is being called "The Oi Chant".

THE Oi CHANT

Oi! - REPEAT 200 times

DRUM BEAT CHANGE

Oi! - REPEAT 165 TIMES

The vocals for The Oi Chant are accompanied by massive jumping in the stands called a "pogo" something that will reportedly, "Make everything seem really freaking cool."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The Oi Chant frenzy sweeps over The Fort.

Slash Fan Fiction Put On Hold After Lamar Neagle Trade

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan and writer of erotic fan fiction, Jessica Blaine, admitted that she has temporarily shelved her slash fan fiction featuring Lamar Neagle and Clint Dempsey after the Neagle trade to DC United on December 7th, 2015.

"In their fingertips was a spark of passion. There was lust in the way that he kicked the ball." - An excerpt from 90 Minutes by Jezebel DuFarge

Ms. Blaine, who writes under the pen name Jezebel DuFarge, stated that she attempted to pick back up the writing of 90 Minutes off and on over the last two months, but admits that with the trade, the passion is now gone.

"I was working on the chapters dealing with the post coital aftermath of Neagle and Dempsey as it pertains to their performance on and off the field, but the trade just threw a wrench in all that. Now I don't even know if I want Dempsey and Neagle to have sex. They aren't even teammates anymore so where is the erotic tension?"

With a devoted readership of dozens of slash fiction fans around the continental United States that have begged for a return to the erotic confines of Century Link Field after Ms Blaine's 5 Feet Of Thunder story about Mike Fucito, the pressure is on Ms. Blaine to deliver something for her fans.

"It's tough out there for a slash fiction writer. Just look at all the competition these days with amazing writers like Raynold Rude Boy posting his excerpts of the Javi Morales and Kyle Beckerman saga called Passion In The Wasatch. Years ago there wouldn't even be multiple erotic stories about Major League Soccer stars."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Blaine tries to re-write her saga by focusing on the return of Jordan Morris to Seattle and a story titled Against The Grain 1: The German Experience.

Soccer Fan Already Misses The Barclays Sponsorship

Gary, IN - English soccer fan Wesley Jenkins admitted that he already misses the Barclays sponsorship of the newly branded Premier League.

I just miss it so much. All I know is Barclays for my premier league.

"It's just like when Liverpool dropped Carlsberg from their shirt sponsor. I value all my engagements through the prism of the massive amount of advertisements that bombard me daily. I only understand things presented to me like the Barclays Premier League, and I only know soccer teams by their sponsorship," said Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins admitted that he knows that Barcelona and Real Madrid are playing when he sees Qatar Airways and Fly Emirates are on the field. 

"I was very confused when O2 wasn't Arsenal any more," stated Jenkins to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I always knew it was going to be a good game when O2 played Vodafone. I remember when you could count on O2, Vodafone, Carlsberg, and Fly Emirates/Samsung propped up the top part of the league. That was way after Candy and Sharp. It's really difficult to keep all the Fly Emirates straight these days. It's easier to just assume that they are all the same team with different color kits."

Mr Jenkins stated that while he misses the Barclays sponsorship, that he will always carry a piece of it around with him, "I got a tattoo with the Barclays logo so I'll be able to remember forever the halcyon days of the Barclays sponsorship."

TFC Fan Worried That Maple Leafs Haven't Prepared Him For A Team That Wins

TORONTO - Maples Leafs fan Damien Cogsworth admitted that his passionate love of the Toronto Maple Leafs has not prepared him for a winning Toronto Football Club (TFC). 

and the Maple Leafs to the bottom of the league

"Having a few bad years? That's small potatoes to me. I've been a Leafs fan all my life and all I've ever seen is the Leafs flaming out in the playoffs or imploding before they even get there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in 2016 if TFC is consistently good," stated Cogsworth to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

With Giovinco, Bradley and the re-animated corpse of Jozy Altidore patrolling the field, Cogsworth stated that he is starting to feel the first faint twinges of getting hopeful, for perhaps the first time in his sporting life. 

"It is a very weird feeling having hope. I've been burned every possible way when it comes to both my hockey team and my soccer team that I started to imagine that the whole city was cursed by some kind of professional ineptitude. However, this whole TFC team thing seems to really be coming together and now I have to deal with the fact that we might actually be good  two years in a row."

Cogsworth stated that he plans on trying to be positive, but that the Maple Leafs have only taught him to expect pain, "Maybe, somehow, MLSE can actually figure out a way to run a successful sports team after all, but I'm not holding my breath. If 20 years of following the Leafs have taught me anything its that sports is about abject misery and the pain of being unable to close things out. I'm just worried that I won't know how to be a fan of a top team when TFC wins consistently this season. I'm already working on my banter and ability to be overbearing online about how awesome TFC are while constantly reminding people that comment on YouTube videos that MLS is completely ignoring us for Los Angeles and New York."

 The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Cogsworth tries to not frame his attitude for the upcoming pre-season games around his feelings on James Reimer.

Area Man Spends Entire Super Bowl Comparing Game To Soccer

Orlando, FL - In an effort at spreading the good word of soccer, newly minted Orlando City SC fan Gabriel Valens spent the entire Super Bowl comparing the NFL championship game to a soccer game for all to hear.

After showing up to the party without beer and wearing a Brek Shea Orlando City kit, Valens repeatedly stated, "IF THIS WAS SOCCER, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY TIME OUTS," as he attempted to really get more people into watching soccer this year. "WE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEERLEADERS AND THE GAME NEVER STOPS. I MEAN, I WOULD LIKELY BE HOME BY NOW AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN HIT HALF TIME."

While Valens thought this was a good way to spread the gospel of soccer as being a better sport than the National Football League, most of his friends just thought he was being an annoying prick and it made them hate the game even more.

"You come into my house, eat my guacamole and tell me that the game we are watching is shit? Everyone knows this game usually sucks, but don't bring my party down," stated party host Martin Blaylock. "I'm not inviting him back next year, and I'm also not telling him that I'm a season ticket holder for OCSC. He was barking up the wrong tree with me."

Despite this awkward moment, Valens continued his tirade by tweeting comparisons of the Super Bowl and Soccer, and then reading them out to everyone at the watch party while the action was unfolding during the 3rd quarter.

"DID I MENTION THERE ARE NO TIMEOUTS? HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THAT ARTICLE WHERE IT SAYS THE NFL ONLY HAS 5 MINUTES OF ACTION?! GOD THIS GAME IS STUPID," screamed Valens into the void as all of his friends selectively tuned him out.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valens attempts to write a long winded blog post about his observations and his attempt to convert his friends to soccer fans.

Goku and Krillin To Appear In New "River Dog Z" Adaptation

Rochester, NY - Daisuke Nishio, the longtime director of Dragon Ball Z, has confirmed that Goku and Krillin will make appearances in the new River Dog Z soccer adaptation of the long time Anime series.

With the plot revolving around Goku attempting to fight a reanimated Frieza who has made a pact with the Ginyu Force and Vegeta to create a new force of soccer playing mercenaries that will train utilizing mysterious European methodologies to attain the Super Saiyan form in order to win the Club World Cup and enslave the world, fans are reportedly tepidly looking ahead to the release even if utilizing the "z" convention in a soccer series is just a massive affectation and enormously silly.

"I don't know, the anime and soccer thing seems a little bizarre in the world of Dragon Ball Z, but I suppose that it makes sense. I mean, it makes a lot more sense than naming your team River DogZ which, without the Anime connection, would just be mental," stated Dragon Ball Z fan Harvey Newsome. "Fortunately, I plan on scooping up all the merchandise from River Dog Z to complete my Dragon Ball Z collection."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as River Dog Z fans prepare to be disappointed.

US Soccer Federation Sues Youth Of America For Being Terrible At Soccer

NEW YORK - The United States Soccer Federation has levied a lawsuit at all children in the United States over being terrible at soccer.

"You are so SHIT, Billy! Why don't you give up playing soccer and be a dental hygienist."

"We are incredibly disappointed at the lack of athletes from all of our youth programs who have gone on to become internationally recognized global superstars," stated president of US Soccer Sunil Gulati. "While we have had some success with our women's program, our boys program has failed miserably. I think we should all, as a society, blame our children for being listless, non-driven layabouts."

While US Soccer was previously tolerant of the indolent little shits, its patience has been severely tested, recently, by the lackadaisical results in the men's program and the disrespect towards authority from the women's program.

"If we wanted women that would talk back to us, we wouldn't have paid for private boarding school for our daughters," stated the US Soccer Board of Directors. "This insurrection will be dealt with harshly. That is by suing the living shit out of little Barbara until she pays us all the money she saved in her piggy bank to go to US Soccer girls camp. KNOW YOUR ROLE, BARBARA. It's high time she accepted the utter control that US Soccer will have over her life the instant that she gets into the game."

The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer what would have to change in order for them to drop the lawsuit and they stated the following, "We expect a written apology from all children, an essay on why they won't disappoint us again, and a donation to the US Soccer Federation board. Will no one think of the finances of the board? WE MAKE ALL THIS HAPPEN."

Major League Soccer Announces Plan To Remove Stars From Teams

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced a plan today to incentive soccer teams to continue winning with their new announcement of removing stars from teams that haven't won another championship after six years.

WIN.... OR ELSE....

"We felt that there was no better way to motivate teams to play harder than to deny the fact they ever won a championship in the first place," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "If a team has not won an additional championship 5 years after winning MLS Cup, the star they obtained will be removed from their kit and their record of winning a championship will be expunged from history."

Major League Soccer stated that this would immediately affect the Chicago Fire, Colorado Rapids, Real Salt Lake, San Jose Earthquakes, and D.C. United. MLS did announce that an extension would be given for former cup winning teams making the championship game, so the Columbus Crew will retain their 2008 MLS Cup victory for one more season.

"Everyone knows that the best way to motivate someone is to remove everything they have and reshape their history," stated Mr Abbot. "In this way we like to completely reshape the badge and our league to create a more intense competition while removing any history that teams had because they aren't trying hard enough, recently."

North American Soccer Journalist Spends Entire Thursday Screen Capping Legal Documents

Boston, MA - Soccer Journalist Jeremiah Williamson spent most of his Thursday morning screen capping legal documents while muttering, "I don't remember signing up for this shit."

"Ok, what can I use HERE for a hot take...."

Mr Williamson spoke to The Nutmeg News after a cursory review of the MLS Collective Bargaining Agreement.

"I didn't get into this because I wanted to spend my day pouring over documents dictating how much money a rookie gets as a per diem on his travel day for a Major League Soccer team. I got into this because I loved sports. I just am not entirely sure when following a league and team turned into combing over legal documents pursuant to the league that may or may not dictate the success and failure of the sport in this area as a whole."

Mr Williamson ensured that he found the very best information to clip from the documents and post directly to his twitter account so that his followers could freak out about individual details without seeing the document as a whole.

"If this whips up some page views, that wouldn't be the worst thing for me. Hardly anyone understands any of the stuff in the CBA to begin with, so I'm guessing that the number of people who care enough to read through it all the way is very small. When you combine that with the legal documents for the USSF lawsuit against the United States Women, well I'll be looking at pdf files all day long. Yay Sports."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Williamson wonders if he could just Photoshop some different rule changes and anyone would notice.

Man Discovers The Secret™ To Real Salt Lake Success

Salt Lake City, UT – Real Salt Lake fan Paul Mayhew has begun telling friends and family that he has obtained enlightenment regarding a method to ensure that his team will be victorious this season and bring home the cup. The Nutmeg News was able to meet with Mayhew in his home, thick with Nag Champa incense smoke, to have him present his new found discovery.

"YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG........ YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG!"

"I have become enlightened." A silk-bloused clad Mayhew began. "Through the process of exploring the inner-space of my own mind I have discovered the power that I possess that will ensure that my team is successful this year. You see, I have always been a superstitious fan when it comes to soccer and would find myself wearing scarves, socks, and underwear for weeks on end." He paused a moment to tap a miniature replica of the Real Salt Lake goal gong sitting on the floor next to his bean bag chair.

"I then began to think about other forms of impact I could be having. Perhaps watching it from my couch instead of my chair, or even at the local pub cost us the win. I began expanding my own consciousness and mentally examining the possibilities of the quantum entanglement effects between my own personal viewing of the match and the outcome of the game on TV." He again tapped the miniature gong before continuing.

"I became aware that whenever I watched a game, RSL would lose. The times when I happened to miss the game they would win." He then sat back in his chair, wide eyed and slowly wiggling all ten of his fingers at our reporter.

They will win, because I will not see them win and not seeing them win will allow them to win as my mind slips into the ethereal spiral.

"My spirit guide told me that this couldn’t be just a coincidence. I had been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra when I came to my realizations and discovered for myself that our thoughts become things.  These things become goals.  My thoughts become goals, or rather, my thoughts become the absence of goals. So now in order to win I must withdraw my thoughts until after the season has ended."

He then picked up a small wooden mallet from the table and began to run it around the rim of a Tibetan Singing Bowl while performing a Tuvan throat singing rendition of "ifyoubelievethenjuststanduponyourfeet."

After a few minutes he put the mallet down and added, "Much like the double-slit experiment where an observer affects the outcome, I now know that I am that observer. I am the quantum force that uses inner-nano support that changes the match. In this twisted turn of events the Universe now requires me to ignore and unfollow my team at every turn if desire to have them win. I love you RSL, goodbye." He then rang the gong a final time before freezing and staring at our reporter until they left.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mayhew is not missed at any of the matches or local pubs during the 2016 season.

Union Trust Falls Exercise Lead To Holistic Training Seminar

Jacksonville, FL- After experimenting with trust falls as a team building exercise in recent pre-season warmups, the Philadelphia Union announced a new holistic training seminar designed to cleanse the aura and prepare their chi for the upcoming season.

"Is your colon clean, Jeffrey?" - Screenshot via @UnionMarisa

"We felt that we might be bogged down by athletes with a lot of emotional baggage, tightness in their sacrum and a negative aura in the last year," stated Bill Knowles the director of reconditioning for the Union. "It was important for us to really cleanse the body, the mind and the theoretical field of energy that surrounds all of us and binds all of us together as one shared organism."

Reportedly, with the new usage of Reconditioning, the Union will be able to rehabilitate the inner seeing eye, and send their players onto a new spiritual awakening for maximum internal success leading to external club success.

The schedule release for training is as follows:

Monday - Trust Falls, group sharing and workshops on externalizing grief

Tuesday - Aura cleansing, colonics and massage

Wednesday - Day of meditation, fasting and introduction to legal healing herbs

Thursday - Preparation for upcoming weekends drills, cone drill, beep test and showers with a light beating of Eucalyptus leaves.

Friday - Heavy Dosages of Black Ayahuasca, trust circle and expelling demons from the gut by projectile vomiting.

Saturday - Cleansing of negative energy by incense sticks and watching "You, Me and Dupree" for 12 hours.

Sunday - Writing an essay on what "You, Me and Dupree" made them realize in their own game and how that impacts making runs off the ball.

With this new schedule, the Union are hoping that their players are ready for the upcoming season both physically and metaphysically. 

"We are sincerely hoping that these inner workshops will lead us on the path to enlightenment, three points, and the possibility of the playoffs this season," stated Bill Knowles. "Only in the mind of the creator, with whom our divine ether spreads and connects with all humans, we are already in the playoffs as all humanity being connected dictates this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when trust falls go awry as Ray Gaddis won't catch anyone correctly.

Scumbag Whitecaps Fan Already Fine With Blas Perez Acquisition

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Robbie Newcombe is reportedly, "Already totally fine" with the Blas Perez acquisition proving what a complete dick he is and showing that he really doesn't care about the Vancouver Whitecaps.

Coming to a BC Place near you!

"I'm a realist," stated Newcombe to his aghast friends. "If Perez can play and score goals, I don't care what his style of play is like."

Newcombe then doubled down on his comments by stating, "I also like the physical play of Kah on the back line, as well," before someone threw a beer can at his head and he was kicked out of his own apartment gathering of fans.

"We, as Whitecaps fans, are predisposed to hate Blas Perez and everything he stands for," stated Don Lennon, friend of Mr Newcombe for five years. "I refuse to accept spending time with Robbie if he goes down the rabbit hole of liking Blas Perez. The Whitecaps have a long history of players like Camilo Sanvezzo as examples of sterling play. There is no honor in Perez, nor in Robbie. If I have to transfer my hatred of Perez to Robbie, so be it. He was always kind of a dick anyway."

42 years of beautiful tradition, from Bob Lenarduzzi to David Oustead...YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVIN' IN THE FUCKIN' PAST!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Perez dives to win a penalty and scores the game winning goal.

MLS Referees Prepare To Look The Other Way For Nigel De Jong

NEW YORK - The collective referees for Major League Soccer stated that they were ready to look the other way on the conduct and play of Nigel De Jong as he was announced as an acquisition today by the LA Galaxy.

THIS IS SIMON BORG AND THAT'S A CLEAN TACKLE

"We plan on managing De Jong's ability to play continuously by looking the other way on his violent conduct," stated MLS Referee Mark Geiger. "We have been handed an edict by the league to be fair, and the only way to be fair is to ignore what he does on a game by game basis."

With De Jong roaming the field now, MLS Referees will be expected be even more consistently inconsistent with their calls. 

Referee Baldomero Toledo stated, "I don't know why everyone talks about De Jong as a physical player. He is a light technician to me. I plan on ensuring that he is protected from the physical beasts in our league like Kekuta Manneh."

Reportedly Don Garber and Mark Abbot have insisted that De Jong be treated as though he doesn't have a problem with losing his head and drop kicking people in the middle of the field as billions around the world watch. "He hasn't earned a reputation and in our eyes is a completely clean player," stated Garber to a collection of reporters at the JFK Airport Sheraton "It would be cruel to treat De Jong as though he is some kind of menace and we welcome the grit he brings as he repeatedly slide tackles our finest technical players from behind on a breakaway."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as De Jong gets suspended in year one.

Philadelphia Union Trade Fan To Seattle Sounders For Targeted Allocation Money

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union announced, today, that they traded fan Gareth Sothersby to the Seattle Sounders in exchange for Targeted Allocation Money.

I'm off to Seattle! I appreciate the support given to me by the Union players and wish all my fellow fans the best season. #Blessed

The Union announced the move on Tuesday morning stating, "We appreciate the support that Gareth has given us over the past three seasons and we wish him the best in Seattle. This trade will offer Gareth the ability to really spread his wings and grow in a situation where he will get more time supporting the Sounders."

Sothersby, 26, joins the Sounders ahead of the 2016 season following the 2012 trade to the Union from the Tampa Bay Rowdies, where he spent three seasons, winning two chugging contests for Alpha Tau Omega at the University of Tampa.

“Gareth brings MLS experience and a veteran presence to our supporters group,” Garth Lagerwey, Sounders general manager and president of soccer operations, said in a team statement. "He is a tenacious supporter who has been among the top fanatics in the league in swearing and coming up with bombastic profanity in recent years, and we welcome him to our family.”

The Floridian began his career in his native county before supporting professionally in Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and Tampa featuring for FC Tampa and the Tampa Bay Rowdies in NASL play before making the move to the Union.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, in accordance with club and league policy. However, Sothersby stated that he is excited to look for a nice place to live on the water in a really trendy neighborhood if his job with Amazon works out.

Fan Of League Spends One Month Tracking MLS Kits At Cracker Barrel

Tuscaloosa, AL - Frank Rast, a fan of Major League Soccer, posted a massive online document detailing his efforts at spending one entire month tracking the MLS kits that he noticed while working the afternoon shift at the Cracker Barrel in Tuscaloosa.

"Hey kids, look... It's where they put out the Pirlo's for sale!"

"I thought that people would be interested in my data collection methods and results after spending a month working the afternoon shift waiting tables and writing down the MLS Kits that I saw when I could actually notice them," stated an excited Rast on Reddit earlier. "It is important to show the penetration of Major League Soccer by examining the number of kit (or jersey) wearing individuals at the main institutions of the South East. That would be Cracker Barrel, Waffle House and Whataburger. I had a discussion about including Milo's on the list, but my friends were convinced that you would never see Yankee, soccer supporting hipsters at Milo's. I think they were just trying to keep the lines from getting longer there."

While Rast posted his document with an exceptionally long winded description of the methodology, the dates, and all the data that he utilized to make his summation, even he admits that he has further steps to take to prove that there is penetration of soccer into the South East portion of the United States.

"Next time, I'm going to do a residency at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia to check that area of the country. After that it is on to the Shoney's in Montgomery, Alabama followed by a comprehensive study of national team kits and international squads at the Ponderosa Steakhouse in Lawrenceburg, Tennessee. It's nice to have a plan and I'm planning on showing people, through scientific testing, how much market penetration these teams really have."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Rast's attempt at quantifying market penetration by looking at people at restaurants and amusement parks as it happens.

Bernie Sanders Vows To Break Up Big Football

On the day of the Iowa Caucuses, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders made a public announcement filled with bold promises that he hopes will help to push him to the top.

“For far too long,” Sanders stated, “the rich and elite sports in this country have been robbing the working class sports of their identity and success.  We have these NFL teams with their multi-billionaire owners keeping down the multi-millionaire MLS team owners from ever having a chance to really succeed. This has got to end. I promise to break up Big Football and make sure that these ridiculously escalating salaries going to their players will help to fund new MLS expansion teams and training facilities. It’s time big football paid their share.”

In addition to discussing income inequality, Sanders also discussed renaming the leagues to better reflect the activities being performed.

“The first thing the elite class does in order to control the masses,” Sanders continued, “is to rob them of their identity and name. Big Football has held claim over the name Football long enough.  Less than 1% of NFL players actually put their foot against a ball compared to the 99% of soccer players who do. It’s time for the working class who are out there day after day using their foot to control balls to reclaim their identity. NFL will be renamed to the American Rugby League and Major League Soccer will become Major League Football. Together we can do this.”

Sanders was equally ebullient about utilizing the redistribution of the National Football League tax money to create Single Payer Football stating, "We will offer a direct, community involved, single payer football opportunity to all teams in the United States that will group them all in one league as equal financial partners to split the wealth evenly among all teams."

When asked about his opinion on the Deflategate scandal Sanders stated, “I think we’re all sick and tired of hearing about Tom Brady and his damn deflated balls. We need to stick to the issues and ask why is it he is making upwards of twenty seven million dollars a year while players like Kaka are only bringing home seven million. This is a travesty of American sports and we can do better.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump about Mr Sanders bold plan and he had the following to say, "I am here to squash and deport the immigrant game of soccer while taking back the sport of Football that has been quickly turning into a sport for pussies. Under my watch we will #MakeFootballGreatAgain. I will rescind concussion protocols, tell players to lead with their head, encourage cheap shots, and introduce a 5 minute free-for-all spree in the fourth quarter where players are actively encouraged to entrap and ritualistically sacrifice soccer players to our true gods Charlton Heston and Jesus Christ in the middle of the field for bonus points."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the caucus takes shape via old white people sitting in rooms.

Pre-season Result Crushes Area Woman

Arlington, VA - The recent pre-season result that had Swedish team IF Elfsborg winning over DC United 1-0  reportedly crushed the hopes and dreams of massive DC United fan Carla Olafe over the weekend.

"Benny Ball..... Benny Ball..... Benny Ball"

"She hasn't been able to get out of bed," stated wife Paula Newcombe-Olafe. "Ever since her beloved Black and Red didn't score in the pre-season and lost to Elfsborg she has stayed in bed, only moving to grab something to eat for about an hour on Sunday. It has just been awful."

Reportedly, Mrs. Olafe once had dreams of opening an artistic floral studio that would service the floral needs of the diplomats of the DC area while catering to her usage of whimsy, structural floral detail, and her love of incorporating succulents as a surprise detail in smaller arrangements. She believed in love between countries, true love between caring partners, the beauty of rain and poetry on Wednesdays, the ability of bad movies to be great, the fact that the world can come together in fantastic ways to help humanity, that within the most dangerous person exists a loving and caring person that just needs to be helped to express themselves through the arts, and that dogs are excellent companions for anyone's life.

However, after the 1-0 pre-season loss to IF Elfsborg, Mrs. Olafe reportedly stated, "Fuck that. Fuck Everything. Fuck it all," before collapsing into a large tray of Totino's Pizza rolls that graced the comforter of her bed.

"I'm hoping that Carla will soon be well, because she is starting to get to that, 'maybe you should take a shower stage' of being paralyzed in bed and there are really only so many days she can call in sick before her employers start to get suspicious," stated Mrs. Necombe-Olafe. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as Mrs Olafe mentally prepares for the upcoming game against Jonkoping Sodra FC.