Fort Lauderdale Strikers Sign Kit Sponsorship With Gravitron

Fort Lauderdale, FL - The Fort Lauderdale Strikers announced, on Friday, a kit sponsorship from the Broward County Fair Gravitron, assuring the carnival ride has a place on the front of their kit for the next four years.

"Ya'll got any smokes? Any weed? Any tickets? No? Screw off then."

The Strikers stated that the partnership with the Gravitron would enhance their local community ties as well as allow the team to pass on the benefits to their fan-base.

"We are in talks with the Gravitron to allow our fanbase buy one get one free tickets to the ride on Wednesday afternoons, as long as the line isn't that long." stated Paulo Cesso, owner of the Strikers. "We are also negotiating a 10% off coupon for a roll of 250 tickets for all carnival games at the fair. That is a savings of over three dollars!"

HOT CHICKS - TIGHT SHIRTS - ENERGY DRINKS - MURICA - SOCCER!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

While the Gravitron sponsorship may not propel the Strikers into the upper echelon of kit sponsors in North America, Mr Cesso is confident that it will help increase their exposure stating, "We are also re-painting the ride so that it will spin in Strikers colors, as well as sponsoring the broom used to clean the ride and the bucket used to house the vomit that people spew out when they get too dizzy. Millions of people visit the Broward County Fair and we want to be the team who sponsors the trashcan used to pick up your puke. It's our vertical integration branding at its best."

Timbers Fan Feels That Enough Time Has Passed To Allow Him Complain About Team Again

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers fan Brandon Stoltz admitted that the ecstatic high from winning MLS Cup in December carried over for a good deal longer than he thought, but he reportedly feels that enough time has passed to allow him to complain about the Timbers again.

"STOP TELLING ME THAT WE NEEDED TO SELL URRUTI, DAD. I JUST DON'T CARE!"

"We got rid of our influential rock in the back with Jorge Villafana, we got rid of the crowd favorite in Maxi Urruti, we got rid of Michael Nanchoff and Will Johnson..... this is all just quickly turning to bullshit. And I feel that over a month has passed, which is more than enough time for me to finally feel that I can start complaining about this bullshit, again. I am already planning a bunch of really long winded, single paragraph posts to any Timbers blog that will take them, posting snarky comments on Reddit and ranting on my twitter account."

Mr. Stoltz admits that while the Timbers winning the cup was the highlight of his sporting life, that doesn't preclude him from slowly returning to questioning the personnel decisions of the team and ownership.

"Look, I gave them a month and a half of joy. I'm not going to give them an entire year. That's like writing a blank check for my loyalty, and they need to produce. Already I'm worried about making the playoffs in 2016 and whether Klute is going to perform at his position. No one needs to just accept that they are doing a good job."

While he has begun complaining, again. Mr. Stoltz admitted that the rest of the fan-base hasn't started, yet. "Most people seem to be perfectly content still, but I'm just ahead of the curve. I'm planning on ranting about everyone joining me on the concerned bandwagon when we can't buy a goal in May. I'm not doing the 'I was concerned before everyone else was' routine, but seriously.... I was concerned before ALL OF YOU."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Stotlz radically shifts to unwavering belief in August before collapsing back to criticism when he starts perfecting his pour over coffee technique in October.

Colorado Rapids Fan Really Doesn't Deserve Better

Littleton, CO - James Argus, a Colorado Rapids fan and all around dickhead, has been found of deserving exactly the team he is currently getting as the Colorado Rapids find a way to jerk around everyone within a 200 mile radius of Commerce City.

"Screw you, Jimmie. I hope that's acid rain."

"Yeah, James is a prick" stated David Grant, ex-friend of Mr Argus. "He deserves this team and they deserve him." Reportedly, Mr Grant is still upset after Mr Argus stuck him with the last months rent and ran off with their $1800 security deposit from 7 years ago.

The Nutmeg News spoke with ex-girlfriend Sandra Davidson who had the following to say, "James deserves every bit of misery heaped upon him by Stan Kroenke and any sports team he follows. I don't wish ill will against all the rest of the fans of the Rapids, but anything that makes James miserable is something I support."

While Rapids fans are understandably invested in their team and upset at current events, that doesn't stop all the people that know Mr Argus from hoping that his spirit is crushed by the teams he follows.

"Jimmie Argus? Screw that guy. I hope the Rapids fold" said Mr Argus math teacher from Highland's Ranch high school. "Just know that I think Stan Kroenke is a terrible owner, I mean... look at the Nuggets, but dammit.... James doesn't deserve a good soccer team."

35 Year Old Man Prepares To Leave Soccer For Baseball

Kansas City, KS - Waking up for his 35th birthday, Sporting Kansas City supporter Oliver Horva realized that his time was running out.

I can still stand in the Cauldron... I CAN STILL STAND IN THE CAULDRON! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I'M FINE.

"I just turned 35, and I'm starting to to come to an understanding that I have left the demographic that allows me to be heavily interested in soccer." stated Mr Horva to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm already preparing for my next sports obsession with Baseball and the Kansas City Royals. Not to mention angrily talking about how things used to be as I transition into my 40's."

While Mr Horva is an ardent fan of Sporting Kansas City and helped paint displays and sing as loud as he could, he has noticed in recent weeks that his body has started pointing him towards sitting in his chair, drinking beer and watching the Royals on television.

"I can't jump like I used to, and I'm starting to examine the words of 'I believe' to the point of questioning whether the song is a manifestation of the braggadocio of youth. Damn Kids. GET OFF MY LAWN. I didn't know the transition from soccer fan to baseball fan would be this jarring, but I'm already preparing to fall asleep in my lounger around the 4th inning of the opening game of the season for the Royals."

With the crystal of his supporter life changing to red, Mr Horva is preparing for one final go round in the Cauldron before he is hauled off for just being, "Goddamn old as shit."

"I'm hoping that I don't break a hip in there," stated a furtive Horva to his wife. "I'm afraid everyone is going to tell that I'm too old to be in there. I mean, I see other old guys all the time. I can be like them, right? I'm not too old! I can still be there! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME OUT! I'M GOING TO POGO FOR 90 MINUTES!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Horva attempts to defy his age by purchasing a flat brimmed hat, using the words "on fleek" and trying to chug a beer for every missed shot in warmups.

Patrick Vieira Incorrectly Promises Transfer Warchest To Fix NYCFC Woes

NEW YORK - While performing his first press conference as the new head coach of New York City FC, Patrick Vieira promised a transfer warchest to find new players in an effort to fix the playing woes of NYCFC from last year before he was cut off at the microphone and informed that the league doesn't work that way.

"Wait, can I see that rule in writing? No? It was just changed? Ok."

"I was apparently mistaken as to the way in which the league works" stated Vieira to reporters immediately after. "I now promise to have my scouting team look really hard at $100k per year fullbacks while trying to balance the playing time of my $90k a year midfielders and finding a forward that can score semi-regularly as a backup but who also won't unbalance the salary cap considerations that we have to manage against the high dollar veterans that we brought in from Spain and Italy. We are also, apparently, exploring all the possible permutations of allocation money, targeted allocation money and super targeted allocation money, and double, super-secret targeted allocation money to buy down our current players in order to bring a fringe NASL player in that may or may not be the key to our team this season."

New DC United Stadium Renderings Released

WASHINGTON - New stadium renderings of the DC United complex were released late on Tuesday to great acclaim as the pictures took the internet by storm.

The New DC United Buzzard Point Stadium: Look at that avant-garde design

Showing a much scaled down design from the previously released stadium renderings, the new DC United stadium has been redesigned to include a running track for casual jogging and a place to store equipment for the long jump and javelin. 

"We were required by the District of Columbia to make the new DC United stadium a multipurpose venue" stated DC United president Tom Hunt. "So we removed more stands, opened up the design and added some nice concrete walkways to surround the place."

It is really a very small change from this.

While the new stadium design doesn't have any actual stands, Mr Hunt stated that he doesn't view this as a problem, "We are going to have the first all terraced stadium in the league, in so much that we won't have any place to sit. It's going to be great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more  on this as more stadium renderings come out showing the stadium as a pasture with two rolled up socks to delineate the goal.

Rec League Roundup: Despite 12 Person Commitment On Facebook, Futsal Team Doesn't Have Enough People To Play

Rochester, MN - As Paula Yasmin and Dave Gabbard waited for the rest of their team by the nets at the Soccer World complex last Wednesday night, they quickly realized that they were totally screwed by people deciding to not show up.

Soccer World is located just off the 52 and 63 interchange, right next to Whistle Binkies On the Lake. Don't show up late. C'mon, WE ALL PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS. SERIOUSLY. And for the love of god, can someone please bring ice? How many times do I need to remind people to come out? This shouldn't be like pulling teeth! I'm not your fucking mom!

"I put the invitation online for this weeks game and 12 people said they were attending, what the hell?" stated Ms Yasmin to Mr Gabbard. "It's almost like responsible people that paid money to be part of a team are incapable of actually showing up when they are supposed to be there. Why on earth do I have to play the bad cop of reminding people to actually show up for something they paid money to do?!"

While Ms Yasmin was clearly frustrated, Mr Gabbard held on to hope as he said, "They will come. There's no way Tom and Linda would bullshit me. I know that they posted that they were at Beaver Island Brewing in St Cloud 20 minutes ago, but they are definitely coming. Absolutely. 100%. There's NO WAY they would screw me like this."

While Mr Gabbard kept babbling to himself and pacing, Paula Yasmin took to Facebook to post a passive aggressive message on the team group page about "Commitments" and "Showing up on team with respect for your teammates who were there, Larry."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this later as Greg, Larry, Stephen and Manuel assure Ms Yasmin and Mr Gabbard that they will definitely make it next week.

LA Galaxy Terminate Ashley Cole’s Contract By Mutual Consent

LOS ANGELES - Ashley Cole has had his contract with LA Galaxy terminated by mutual consent, with the former England defender now tipped to move to a beach outside Miami.

 Ashley Cole leaves Galaxy after making just 0 MLS appearances. Photograph: Carlos Rodrigues/Getty Images

The 35-year-old has not featured for the American club this season having joined one hour ago on a two-year contract and was told he is not part of Bruce Arena's plans.

On Tuesday, LA Galaxy released a statement confirming Cole’s contract had been terminated by mutual consent.

“The 35-year-old English defender joined LA Galaxy in January 2015 following spells with Crystal Palace, Arsenal,Chelsea, and AS Roma” read the statement.

“After never making his Galaxy debut, Cole went on to make a total of 0 appearances in Major League Soccer (MLS) and a further zero appearances in the NASL and the USL.

“The club would like to thank Cole for his commitment during his stay in Malibu and wish him the very worst for his future career.”

Jordan Morris Returns From Werder Bremen To Begin New Career

Seattle, WA - Jordan Morris returned from his successful trial with Werder Bremen to start his new career with Hotdog On A Stick at The Outlet Collection in Seattle, Washington on Friday.

"Would you like a Veggi Dog on a stick with that?"

"I'm excited to be taking this new step in my life," stated Morris to The Nutmeg News. "It's a big step for me after my wanderlust month in Germany, but this is really what I'm passionate about. Hot Dogs and the fine perfection of a gourmet hotdog experience."

Morris reportedly had a number of offers from both the German club and teams in the United States, but he considered his options and realized that a Stanford education would open doors for him at Hotdog On A Stick, that playing for the Seattle Sounders would not.

"I dream of getting in the corporate office with Hotdog On A Stick, and possibly working my way into the R&D department. I want to bring out the wasabi dog, the chipotle dog, and a few other special projects that I've been working on testing while I was in Germany. Werder wanted someone focused on soccer, but my focus is on my wieners. It's time for America to have a true Hotdog On A Stick experience."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgen Klinsmann has an aneurysm over this news.

Area Man Thinks Your Daughter Should Shut Up And Go To College

Boise, ID - Darren Collingsworth, local loudmouth and patron of the Arctic Circle in Nampa, has admitted that he thinks you have completely screwed up as a parent and that your soccer playing daughter should shut up, sit down, and go to college.

"..BUT WHAT ABOUT A COLLEGE EDUCATION? SHE WONT GET A JOB WITH STARBUCKS WITHOUT IT."

Firing a number of tweets online, Collingsworth ripped into your daughter saying, "They aren't ready for the real world. I don't care how talented they are at soccer, they need to go to college."

While some think that the only person who can accurately determine what they should do with their life is the person themselves, Collingsworth reportedly thinks that the verbal diarrhea that spews out of his Twitter and Facebook account should be the only thing that coaches your kids future.

"This kid is going to ruin her life. #ParentsFail" stated Collingsworth noting that, "I can't help but think that they are going to get taken advantage, this is clearly a mistake. What kind of person thinks that a woman at 18 is ready for the world? She isn't. What a colossal mistake."

While Collingsworth has this opinion of your daughter, he is equally passionate about the future of your son leaving technical college to go weld on an oil-field overseas, "That boy will really get a jump on his future!"

Rights To Alex Morgan's Body And Career Taken After Online "Dibs" Verified

Albany, NY - The rights to Alex Morgan's body and career were announced as taken after an online "dibs" was verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland.

MINE. MINE. MINE.

The "dibs" was reportedly performed by Stephen "MAX FLOW" Grammercy, a 17 year old high school student from Albany, New York. Mr. Grammercy is a member of the chess club, president of the Latin club and an all around pervert who comments on women's photos online.

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Grammercy how the acquisition happened and he had the following to say, "I saw this picture of my bae online and was like, 'she's looking totally fine, n'shit' so I just said dibs, cause I know that she wants some of this."

With women clearly not having any right to their own choices, bodies or careers, Mr. Grammercy availed himself of the age old system of foisting his own desires on the body of Ms. Morgan by utilizing the dibs system. A bid of dibs was announced on a photo, it was confirmed by three other people online, and then verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland as being correct. According to the by-laws of the International Council of Douchebags, if a dibs is performed the woman must subjugate herself to the man's wants. Also, the dib bidder will receive his "props" from his ICD friends, who will also, according to proper decorum, remark "No, I had dibs on her first."

Ms. Morgan will have to now surrender herself to the whims of Mr Grammercy for all eternity and attend comic-con by his side dressed as the woman of his choice. "She's gonna make a bomb-ass Slave Leia #bae #dibs #myboo," posted Mr. Grammercy to his snapchat with a picture of Morgan in a bikini.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Grammercy goes online to try to secure the first dibs on Sydney Leroux.

Shortage Of "YASSSSS QUEEEEEEN" Comments On Soccer Instagram Pushes Woman Into Action

Lincoln, NE - After noticing a shortage of "YASSSSSS QUEEEEEN" comments on the pictures of women soccer stars that play for the United States, Janice Gard was pressed into action on Monday morning.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN #FIERCE

"The lack of comments were disturbing to me," stated Ms Gard. "I begin to notice fewer and fewer YASSSSSSS QUEEN statements, fewer hashtags of the YASSS QUEEEN varietal, and more conversation by people rather than just blanket statements of complete bullshit. I knew then that it was my goal to reinstate YAASSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEN to the forefront of the Instagram comment that people randomly leave on United States international soccer stars pictures."

While many people think that this methodology of conversation is the equivalent of trying to have a conversation in real life by quoting memes, Ms Gard doesn't believe that to be the case.

"YASSSSS QUEEEEN is important. It shows that I think she is a QUEEEEEN and that YASSSSSSS you ARE a QUEEEEEEEEEN. It's #fierce #fire #YASSSSSSSQUEEEEN. I don't need more of an explanation than that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on that as Ms. Gard posts 30 different versions of the "started from the bottom, now we here" gif photoshopped with the heads of Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan and Carli Lloyd to Tumblr.

Ex-Player Doesn't Know Why Amateurish Assholes Won't Hire Him To Coach

Baltimore, MD - Ex-player Eric Wynalda once again admitted he is baffled that those amateurish assholes in Major League Soccer won't hire him.

"Apparently the fact that I wore this kit makes it OK for me to just be a complete prick all the time."

"It's a league filled with perpetual dickheads participating in a ponzi scheme and defrauding the youth of America," stated Wynalda to a random group of strangers on Saturday morning. "I think they are the scum of the earth, they know nothing about soccer, and that they are the biggest jerks I've ever seen. I just don't understand why they won't hire me to coach a team."

While Mr Wynalda continued calling the executives of nearly every soccer team in the United States and Canada base idiots dedicated to a secret cabal to keep soccer from becoming a preeminent sport by their lack of insight and ability to think about anything, he also couldn't understand why he wasn't coaching in the league he hates so much.

"If they offered me a job, I'd tell them to go screw themselves and then I'd ask on twitter why I didn't get a job offer. It's the circle of life. I hate/love them so much. The best part is that every time I open my mouth, someone somewhere will cover it as though it is news. It is amazing the longevity I can get saying unbelievably stupid things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen every year.

NWSL To Withhold Schedule Til 5th Week Of Season

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that they would be withholding the NWSL schedule til the 5th week of the season to build up a sense of anticipation.

I THINK THERE IS AN NWSL GAME GOING ON. SET IT DOWN!

"We plan on not announcing anything until after a certain number of teams have played. In this way we can really build up a sense of anticipation and frenzy regarding the schedule announcement," stated NWSL commissioner Jeff Plush. "We want to have our fans find out when their teams will play by haphazardly walking by the stadium, seeing some players on the field and realizing there is a game going on. This methodology will really build up our fan base in core areas where there are fans lingering by the stadium to actually see if anything is going on."

While the schedule release of the NWSL may go until the 5th week of the season, Commissioner Plush stated that they would still have a schedule of some kind to get the season started.

"We are just going to have regional teams play each other til about half way through the season. We can have 6 Portland v Seattle games this way and really build up that rivalry. At some point, when we release the schedule, the teams can play other teams in the league but we will just start with playing whatever team is closest to you in a 500 mile radius. For some teams this means your season isn't going to start until July, but they will just have to deal."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the NWSL announce more changes to their format.

Jack Harrison Buys Freedom From Chicago With 30 Gold-Pressed Bars Of Latinum

Baltimore, MD - Ignoring the age old advice that his father told him of never make a financial deal with a Ferengi, Jack Harrison (the first pick in the 2016 MLS Superdraft) reportedly forced a trade away from the Chicago Fire to NYCFC by utilizing 30 gold-pressed bars of latinum that he borrowed from an unnnamed man on Tuesday morning.

Anonymous man, Artist rendition.

"Hell no I wasn't going to Chicago," stated Harrison on Friday. "I already made a deal with (name redacted for safety) to buy my freedom from this draft and he made a deal with NYCFC. It's a bit like human trafficking, but at least I'm not playing in Bridgeview."

With Harrison out of Chicago, it remains unclear what this unnamed financier of Latinum will require from Harrison in order to be completely repaid. Harrison, for his part, remains defiant that he acted appropriately.

"Yes, I did the right thing. I can either go to a place where I have a small but possible chance of making it to Europe or a place where I  have a better than average chance of ending my career with the Dayton Dutch Lions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrison tries to learn the Two Hundred Eighty-Five Rules of Acquisition in order to force his freedom.

NWSL Changes Acquisition Rules To Actual Calvinball

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced that they recently revised their rules on allocation and acquisition at the 2016 draft. Reportedly the NWSL made a number of different changes in the way in which international and non-attached players could be allocated. In order to help fans understand these rule changes the NWSL released the following statement on their rule change.

CALVINBALL.

The Nutmeg News can confirm that the league is now allowing the square root of X when Y attacks in a purple phase allowing the green garden goalie to supersede the format of Pluto while it phases behind the moon. Reportedly this will allow national team players to form a quorum huddle to dictate their acquisition rights via a mock trial held with croquet mallets, a Huxtable daughter (preferably Tempest Bledsoe), and a battle to the death with the manager of their choice in the NWSL. There will be a light snack at noon which will be followed by a rage painting race to see who can synchronize their chi through interpretive art while their teammates pelt them with wedges of cheese from Guernsey. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this rule change as it flows and grows with the need of the league.

Sporting Kansas City Draft Pile Of Money

Baltimore, MD - Sporting Kansas City announced on Thursday that they drafted a pile of money as their pick in the MLS Superdraft bringing high acclaim from draft experts.

Well played

Draft Expert Taylor Twellman stated, "Given the option available to them, Sporting KC made the right pick. Would you rather have a boat load of money or a player you need to stash away on the bench until he ends up starting for Sacramento in the USL after three years in your development system?"

Peter Vermes was reportedly pleased with the acquisition of a pile of money as told The Nutmeg News, "We will be able to do a lot more with this than we would with a 22 year old college graduate with a mediocre touch. I'm planning on getting a kit made with 'cash money' that the pile of money can wear before we use it to sign a Spanish fullback with potential."

Tampa Bay Mutiny Confirm 2001 Trade Of Assets To Colorado Rapids

Tampa Bay, FL - Today, the defunct and long dead ownership group of the Tampa Bay Mutiny had their trade to the Colorado Rapids of a 2002 second round draft pick, a ball washer, the managerial career of Perry Van der Beck and the curse of poor ownership confirmed by Major League Soccer after 15 years.

"We figured that now  was as good a time as any to confirm that we made this trade to the general public" said ex-president of the Mutiny, Bill Manning. "Look we needed to get the stink of our ownership off the franchise. We were going under and we just needed to pass this off to anybody. Stan Kroenke didn't even remember he had a soccer team in Colorado at that time so he was more than happy to take on the curse of our non-existent ownership at that time."

While terms and conditions of the deal were not announced, Mark Abbot (the president of Major League Soccer) stated that he thought now was as good a time as any to announce the trade.

"We did it because people were digging around in other things and we hoped this would show our commitment to transparency. In the end, everyone still found out about the trade between D.C. United and the New York Red Bulls from 2015 AND we had to announce this deal between the Mutiny and Rapids. So... yeah... today hasn't been a great day."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these secret dealings when Major League Soccer announce that Landon Donovan was being paid by the San Jose Earthquakes every season since 2004.

Major League Soccer Changes From Draft To Forced Conscription

NEW YORK - With the potential of another failed draft upcoming, Major League Soccer has decided to change from a draft of the best youth players that didn't go to Europe or Mexico, to forced conscription.

Parents in Portland, Oregon protest against the Major League Soccer draft.

"We felt that the draft wasn't bringing enough talent into the league," stated Dave Kaval, president of the San Jose Earthquakes. "With forced conscription, we will go into the homes of parents nation wide with an armed phalanx of heavily trained paramilitary forces. We will remove teenagers who are of soccer playing age and force them to train at facilities to improve their skills and give us a better return on value."

While the idea of force-ably removing teenagers has generated considerable consternation online, the president of Major League Soccer (Mark Abbot) has indicated that this is only step one.

"Very soon we will start removing any child age 7 to 18 that shows aptitude at the game. We will enforce these measures to ensure that we have a vibrant player pool going forward. In order to bring US Soccer into a new golden age of soccer we must all make sacrifices. If those sacrifices are letting your child go practice triangle passing for 10 hours a day at a gated and heavily armed compound in Bradenton, then so be it."

The Nutmeg News asked parents whether or not they supported the new efforts of Major League Soccer to enforce children to play soccer and the results were staggering.

They didn't specify WHICH Milan.

A massive 90% said that they would support the effort if their children ended up millionaires that could support them in their old age, going so far as to say that they would drive them to the detention facility if they could just get some goddamn peace and quiet.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this measure as it begins.

Major League Soccer Source Reports, "Most Of The Undisclosed MLS Terms Of The Transaction Are Sexual Favors"

A source within Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed to The Nutmeg News that most of the undisclosed "terms of the transaction" on MLS contracts are sexual, home renovation and general life favors exchanged between the executives of Major League Soccer.

While the terms on this transaction were run of the mill, another term of a transaction earlier in 2015 had a stipulation regarding a bulk supply of butt plugs and Roger Miller compact discs.

"You wouldn't believe some of the crazy things I've seen," said the anonymous source to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "There's been an addendum added to contracts that stipulate nude house cleaning for the month of January. There's been an addendum about building a BDSM chamber below a stadium. There was even an MLS cup winner bonus of a sad, lonely handjob in the corner of Mapfre stadium while 'send in the clowns' was being played over the loudspeaker system. I can't confirm whether or not this cup bonus was actually hit but you wouldn't believe some of the requests in the contract transfers."

While many of the undisclosed terms feature jaw-dropping sexual favors between the ownership groups and members involved in the contract, many are rather mundane as reportedly many of the ownership groups use these undisclosed terms to run their every day errands.

"There was a terms and conditions clause in the Mix Diskerud contract that indicated he had to give hair care seminars to a mistress (who reportedly had frizzy hair) of a purported friend of one of the NYCFC executives," stated our source. "There was also a proviso that indicated Alan Gordon would work on the birdhouse of the nephew of Phil Anschutz if Gordon was substituted in earlier than the 55th minute more than 5 times in one season. I also distinctly remember that most of the Chivas USA squad was used to do general maintenance around the compound of Jorge Vergara and they called it community re-investment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hidden terms of the transaction as they come to light.