NEW YORK - With the potential of another failed draft upcoming, Major League Soccer has decided to change from a draft of the best youth players that didn't go to Europe or Mexico, to forced conscription.
"We felt that the draft wasn't bringing enough talent into the league," stated Dave Kaval, president of the San Jose Earthquakes. "With forced conscription, we will go into the homes of parents nation wide with an armed phalanx of heavily trained paramilitary forces. We will remove teenagers who are of soccer playing age and force them to train at facilities to improve their skills and give us a better return on value."
While the idea of force-ably removing teenagers has generated considerable consternation online, the president of Major League Soccer (Mark Abbot) has indicated that this is only step one.
"Very soon we will start removing any child age 7 to 18 that shows aptitude at the game. We will enforce these measures to ensure that we have a vibrant player pool going forward. In order to bring US Soccer into a new golden age of soccer we must all make sacrifices. If those sacrifices are letting your child go practice triangle passing for 10 hours a day at a gated and heavily armed compound in Bradenton, then so be it."
The Nutmeg News asked parents whether or not they supported the new efforts of Major League Soccer to enforce children to play soccer and the results were staggering.
A massive 90% said that they would support the effort if their children ended up millionaires that could support them in their old age, going so far as to say that they would drive them to the detention facility if they could just get some goddamn peace and quiet.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this measure as it begins.