Crew Fan Excited For Second Leg Of Championship Game

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Frank Broadstreet said that he was very excited for the second leg of the MLS Championship game back in Portland.

"C'mon guys, keep the energy up! We can get them in Portland!" - Frank Broadstreet

"Yes, we didn't perform as well as we wanted at home, but we have the weapons to come back on Portland on the road." said a confused Mr. Broadstreet to his friends.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Broadstreet's wife Carolyn about his statements and she had the following to say, "He really just isn't coping with this very well."

The reality of the situation aside, Mr. Broadstreet spent most of Sunday evening looking at plane fares to Portland, Oregon before calling up friends to see if they were going to make the trip.

"I would love to win at home, but I can't wait to take the MLS Cup in front of their fans," he stated repeatedly as he stared at his computer screen with the television off in his basement.

"I just hope he can come to some kind of acceptance of the situation," said Carolyn Broadstreet. "I don't know how long he is going to look at plane fares down there, but I'm not going to interrupt him until he is finished whimpering at pictures of Kei Kamara and Orbitz discounts. Plus I found a place to stream The Great British Baking Show and that is the only thing taking my mind off the game this weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Broadstreet progresses through the stages of grief.

Timbers Fans Celebrate Despite Knowledge Of Major League Soccer's Standing On A Global Level

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers fans wildly celebrated their championship victory in Major League Soccer on Sunday evening despite a full understanding of Major League Soccer's standing on a global level.

Timbers fans celebrate despite the knowledge of only being a great team in a horrible league. Photo Credit: The Oregonian

"I know that Major League Soccer is not a tier 1 league in the world and that the players within the league wouldn't make the starting lineup at Stoke much less Chelsea, but somehow I feel compelled to actually celebrate this win anyway" said Timbers fan Ron Gregory. 

With celebrations in Portland spilling out to the street, fans everywhere partied on despite the knowledge that their team plays in a really inferior league.

"According to all international and North American media sources I should be sitting at home, not watching MLS, not watching the Timbers, and bemoaning the league as a sham operation that bilks hard working consumers out of their money," said Sandra Ospina "However, my team just won so I feel like celebrating despite these facts that people keep telling me. While everyone everywhere knows that you watch a league because players were really good, make a lot of money, and get great television ratings, this whole cheering for your local team thing has been fun."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the celebrations from Portland as they appropriately dismiss the Timbers and plan a parade for Bournemouth's standard of play in the English Premier League.

National Journalist Quickly Googles Relevant Information Necessary To Cover MLS Cup

Columbus, OH - National journalist Thomas Franz admitted that he has quickly googled the relevant information he needs to accurately cover Major League Soccer's final game this weekend.

"How do you feel about the Aaron Rodgers hail mary pass last night and would you like to show me how you throw a football?"

"I spent about 5 minutes looking up the team names, where they play, their rosters and their coaches before picking up my all access press pass" said Franz to his wife on a quick cell phone call Friday. "I guess they want me to ask some questions during this press release so I'm going to ask the English kid on that one team about how he likes the playoffs."

Franz admitted that he hardly pays attention to the league while it is running during the middle of the season as he stated, "With Baseball, Tennis and Golf it is impossible for me to actually watch soccer games. I catch a few international games and tweet about it, but even then I only watch about 10 minutes before I change the channel. However, my news agency needs some coverage from this weekend and I couldn't get on the NFL beat this weekend, so I guess there are worse things than a free trip to Columbus."

While Franz admits that he is using google to stock his knowledge of the game, there is one thing he admitted he needs no help with, "I'm completely going to interview Crew Cat with some zany media bits about where he likes to eat in Columbus. That'll kill a few minutes and I won't have to use my per diem to buy lunch. I'll see if I can get some of the alumni of the Crewzers to help out and we should be good to go."

CREWZERS!

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Franz when he finally gets his answer to his media day question of, "How does it feel to be in the final?"

Red Bull New York Fan Finally Emerges From Blanket Fort Of Sadness

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) Fan Deryk Hannover finally emerged from his self titled "blanket fort of sadness" after the elimination of Red Bull from the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs on Sunday.

Now fortified with Morrissey poems and red wine!

While poking his head out of a canvas flap Mr. Hannover stated, "I just needed a place to retreat from social media, soccer and the playoffs for a few days and this seemed like the best way to do it."

With a supply list that included a self curated list of lyrics by Morrissey arranged in iambic pentameter, the first season of Reading Rainbow, Roald Dahl's The BFG, and two large jugs of Carlo Rossi Blush, Mr Hannover remained inside his fort for 5 days attempting to find a way to face the day again.

"Things really turned around when I went from Morrissey to Fiona Apple to Nelly Furtado. I'm just going to say that 'I'm like a bird' really got me to a point where I could watch the highlights of Bradley Wright-Phillips from this season," said a trembling Mr. Hannover. "I'm finally understanding the arc of the season and I can enjoy it for what it was. Thankfully I have reached a point in my life where I want to continue on with a normal life rather than stay in the interior of what I call my Fort Of Sadness."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Mr Hannover thought about returning when he checked his twitter feed, but he stayed strong and remained committed to his recovery.

Columbus Sees Influx Of Vegan And Gluten Free Sex Workers For MLS Cup

In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Nutmeg News editors kept the words issued herein verbatim from our interview to reflect the authenticity of the situation in Columbus.. The views of the individuals in this story do not reflect that of The Nutmeg News, its editors and most of its interns.

Columbus, OH - With the Major League Soccer (MLS) Final only days away, the city of Columbus is preparing itself for the thousands of Portland Timbers fans to arrive. As with all major sporting events, prostitution trafficking spikes as pimps shuttle in sex workers from all the neighboring cities to try and meet the rising demand. However, as many pimps are now discovering, Portland residents are more discerning in their tastes and are creating a new twist for the world’s oldest profession.

"Do you or any of your lady friends know about bio-regional separation and secession? 

“We quickly realized we were going to have to change up our game,” stated area pimp Reverend Big Spenda. “You see, we have a customer here with a very unique taste and world conscious mindset. I can’t just open up my stable and send my hoes running willy-nilly into the streets to shake their ass and think that’s going to work like it does with Ohio State fans.”

We asked Reverend Big Spenda how he plans to meet these new demands. “Bitches need education. They need to know how to communicate and connect with these fans on their level. If one of my hoes can name me five craft beers I send her out to prime hotel locations directly. If one can explain what gluten actually is, she’s out on the street on my choice blocks. If one of my women can give me a reason why a water supply shouldn't be fluoridated, she gets the high dollar rate. But if any of my fine ladies is unable to separate trash into the proper bins, well then they get shown the door. Reverend Big Spenda keeps his pimp hand strong, and you best be knowing compost vs garbage, straight truth.”

While some pimps find themselves struggling, others are finding that the influx of Timbers fans fosters the optimal breeding ground for the environmentally conscious pimp looking to boost their profits while reducing their carbon footprint.

“I didn’t know if I could supply what these Timber fans wanted,” says Sugar Dick Man Poppa Large, winner of the 2013 Rust Belt Pimp of the Year contest. “While I’ve got hoes that can lick their own belly-buttons not a single one of them could keep up a conversation on free trade agreements. I decided that I needed to change myself to better understand my customer and better myself. I started by swapping out my ’64 Impala for a hybrid. I made all my girls go vegan. I even tried riding my bike more but it’s nearly impossible in 8-inch platforms. I’m now feel like I’m doing my part to save the planet while my girls are turning tricks and earning $60 for a half-and-half. Dicks up, emissions down.”

Not all area pimps are so quick to change their game. One pimp who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity went on record saying, “Hey, clearly these Portland fools ain’t got no taste or style. Shit, my momma could give them an around the world and they’d switch teams and root against themselves. Motherfuckers don’t even know.”

Man Tries To Figure Out How Many Migrant Workers Have To Die Before He Stops Watching The FIFA World Cup

Topeka, KS - David Lawrence admits that he is the kind of fan that only watches soccer every four years, but even he is concerned about the current conditions in both Russia and Qatar when it comes to the upcoming world cup.

"None of those guys were probably named Steve, so it is like I didn't even know them" - David Lawrence

"I don't know them, so it makes it easier to imagine that this grand spectacle of soccer that I vicariously enjoy from my couch was just put on my magical gnomes," said Lawrence to a close group of friends. "Yes, I know that many people have died and that countless more live in some kind of slavery where their passports are held and they are forced to work for low or non-existent wages, but none of you are going to remember that in 7 years when soccer kicks off in the winter and everyone craps themselves about their national teams" 

Mr Lawrence admitted that he is trying to create some kind of algorithm or acceptable loss amount by which he can enjoy his 2022 Qatar World Cup if perhaps only 1,999 people died building the 2022 Qatar World Cup, but not enjoying the grand exposition if 2,000 people died. 

"Right, but again... likely none of those guys were named John Smith, so how much sympathy can I have for them" - David Lawrence

"The trick is to not imagine the human suffering that is being utilized to put on an event for my entertainment. I'm just trying to figure out how many people have to suffer before my break over point is reached regarding international sport and the FIFA world Cup," stated Mr Lawrence

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Lawrence dons his American flag cape and runs the streets screaming USA-USA.

"TEXT ME WHEN IT'S OVER," Area Man Already Tired Of Both Teams In MLS Cup

Orlando, FL - Brandon Killien, a professional waiter at Applebees and nightime supervisor of cleanup at Toojay's Gourmet Deli, has publicly stated that he is already tired of both teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup and the news surrounding them.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?!

WOULD YOU?

WOULD YOU?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?!

"Man, text me when all this stuff is over and done. I' already just so incredibly tired of all these stories" said Mr Killien. "I can't get away from MLS Cup and the teams playing in that game anywhere online, there's stories about Portland everywhere I look on Reddit, there's stories about Columbus everywhere I look on Twitter, there's nothing everywhere I look on Yik-Yak except boner pics. I'm just done with the whole fucking thing and it's only Wednesday."

With many fans in soccer unused to the metric (and measured) size amount of championship bullshit that comes out before the final match of the season, many are drowning in a sea of poorly written and investigated stories that have something to tell but end up telling nothing at all.

"Look, Orlando City has been done for nearly 3 months now," said M.r Killien. "I'm ready for the player release, the draft (if there is one), for all that stuff. I'm ready to head back with my bros to the stadium, slam some mountain dew with some brewskis, and cheer on Brek 'Deeeez Nuuuuts' Shea. I'd just love to hear anything... ANYTHING... about my team right now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Killien plots his revenge to become the most annoying fan on the face of the planet when Orlando City make the MLS Cup playoffs sponsored by Daewoo in 10 years.

Architecture Firm Updates LAFC Stadium Plan To Depressingly Realistic Depiction Of Empty Lot

LOS ANGELES - Architecture firm Deloitte, Touche, Robertson and Gramble have revised their Los Angeles Football Club stadium rendering to be more accurate to the teams current situation by showing an empty vacant lot.

LAFC's "Advocare Stadium": Accurate to scale

The Nutmeg News spoke to LAFC public relations director and professional recording artist DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney about the nascent clubs new direction. 

"We wanted something funky fresh and on fleek for our totally wicked generation of millennials that can see through all the fervor and totally mocked up bullshit passion that other teams provide in their stadium renderings" said DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney

With Sacramento Republic unveiling their stadium renderings of a proposed stadium in Sacramento, now was an especially relevent time for LAFC to inject themselves into a publicity situation that had nothing to do with them. "We thought that the dope followers that we have would love to see what we are holdin." said DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney 

"Our target demographic knows bullshit graphic points when they seem them. They are far too cynical for happy people waving flags. That's why we are active only on Voat and Snapchat." - DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney

The Nutmeg News will have more on LAFC when they put their theoretical team entrance music to a twitter poll.

NYCFC Announce 50% Increase On Season Ticket Renewals From 2013 And 2014

NEW YORK - New York City Football Club (NYCFC) announced on Tuesday morning an increase of 50% in their season ticket renewal numbers from their 2013 and 2014 seasons.

You can use math and graphs to prove anything. LOOK AT THAT GROWTH!

"We are happy to announce that we have increased the number of season ticket renewals from 0% in 2013 and 2014 to 50% of our current season ticket holders at the end of 2015. While that is dramatically lower than what we wanted, we felt that this was a great way to spin our major issues with the dissatisfaction felt by our fan-base after only one year," stated director of Public Relations for NYCFC Ismael Yanez.

NYCFC have reportedly thought long and hard about the ways to fix this issue with their 50% renewal rate and stated that they will invest heavily in more retiring European superstars even making a call to see if German international Gerd Muller is available in order to bring in the 70's mustache demographic.

DREAMY!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in a positive way as NYCFC buys and sells our publication with the money they make on 1% of their compound interest.

Woman Already Nostalgic For The Time When You Could Buy A Ticket To MLS Cup On Game Day

CHICAGO - Fire fan and long time soccer aficionado Hannah Gotschalk has admitted that she is nostalgic for the time when you could buy a ticket to Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup on gameday without having to worry about it being sold out.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

"I remember when teams were desperate to sell tickets to MLS Cup and the neutral sites would only be mostly full with dispassionate fans wondering what this sport was, if their city had a soccer team, and whether their team should be in the finals. Those were the days, kids," said a wistful Gotschalk to her friends at Emporium Arcade Bar on Monday night. 

Ms. Gotschalk continued her long winded diatribe stating, "Why, you could get discount purchase deals on MLS cup and there would be people nearly offering tickets for free and now I cant get into the game for under $130 dollars. There were hardly any nationally televised games, no teams in the north west, the Colorado Rapids played in green and we liked it that way. I tell you, money is ruining the game in North America. We were there before it was cool and I don't care how hipster that sounds, but soccer is just being killed, being KILLED in this country one sold out venue at a time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Ms. Gotschalk tearfully talks about how you used to be amazed if you found a bar with Setanta Sports that would allow you to watch games from Europe.

Crew Fans Continue Anti-Authoritarian Supporters Group By Disbanding Into Leaderless Collectives

Columbus, OH - Already renowned for their strict adherence to an anti-capo, leaderless chant state in the stands, Columbus Crew fans decided for MLS Cup to disband into leaderless collectives focused on dispersing power structures to the many.

A meeting was made between banner designers who came to the understanding that some people may or may not create banners at a time in which they may be displayed if the time agrees with everyone and the message and the methodology both are consistent with current orthodoxy.

"We are strictly anti-authoritarian, anti-capo, anti-dictator, pro-agrarian leaderless collectives that are built around a general but non-specific physical and gender-less love of the Columbus Crew in all its forms" stated the dissimilar elected spokespeople of their collective factions.

The Nutmeg News spoke to one of the faction deputies who was given the task of speaking to the press on the manner and they had the following to say. "We, with the new anarchic Crew fan groups, want to promote decentralized, anti-capitalist leadership who are tacitly united against all forms of the centralized capo-led patriarchy typical of our lesser than equal compatriots in Major League Soccer. This includes the overproduced and emphatically bloated Emerald City Supporters with their megaphones, speakers, and centralized capos and the heavily industrialized and faux-militarized Timbers Army. We with the collective of dissimilar and un-united Crew fans stand against such usage of core centralized foundations and remain united around the team as we rally to the cry of NO CAPOS provided of course that a quorum of fans vote upon the idea of what being a Columbus crew fan is, what that ethos means to them and what it means to be a Crew fan within a small collective faction."  

Reportedly this stress on anti-authoritarian, anti-capo is expanding into stadium infrastructure as Crew fans in supporters groups are now feeling confident enough to exist outside the confine of the Nordecke. One collective member stated, "While we appreciate the Nordecke, it is itself a prison for our ethos. We will find our better expression of our reality of being anti-capo by expanding out into the far corners of Mapfre in order to better serve our fellow fans with chants and banners."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rogue splinter groups of Crew fans stand up to create factions with strong leadership that endorse the capo methodology and are justly labeled as splitters.

Major League Soccer Announces Additional Stoppage Time For Columbus V Red Bull New York

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) has announced additional stoppage time for the Columbus Crew v Red Bull New York game with the announcement that the game will be resumed on Thursday, December 3rd 2015. 

The next addition of time will just be an infinity symbol. 

The press office of MLS announced that the amount of stoppage time in the renewed game will be equal to the amount of time it takes for New York to score enough goals to progress in the game to MLS Cup so that they can get a big market team into the final.

"As god is our witness, this game isn't over til New York makes it." stated an angry Don Garber to shocked witnesses at the Hooters on 155 W 33rd Street for the Major League Soccer Latino of the Hour banquet. "We WILL have a big market in this final or we won't have a final. I can guarantee you that this current result will not stand."

Reportedly players have been told to prepare themselves for the extra-extra time by fueling up on orange wedges and Sunny-D. "You fellas better be ready, because you are all going to play until New York wins." said president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer determines whether it is actually worth rewarding the Hunt's ownership of FC Dallas enough to replay the Timbers versus Dallas game.

Timbers Fans Can't Wait To Become The Most Insufferable Fan Base In Major League Soccer

Portland, OR - Timbers fans across the United States have reportedly stated that they can't wait to become the most insufferable fan base in the league if they win the 2015 Major League Soccer Cup on Sunday December 6th.

Let's sing another song about ourselves!

"If we win it is going to be the most obnoxious and copious amount of circle jerking that you have ever seen in your life" said Timbers fan Kelly Sanders. "We are going to flood every form of social media with our self proclaimed greatness and it is going to make our current constant circle jerk over our crowd and passion seem like child's play."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Timbers fan Noelle Brigham about this condition, "You think we are bad now? Just wait til we win the cup. Oh man... oh man.... It's going to be great. Our 'we are the Timbers and we are the best' mentality is going to just be so over the top that it will be impossible to escape. We might even throw a celebration for ourselves and the major victory that we obtained. We don't even need the team there to celebrate."

TNN reporters also spoke with Harold Dubois of Gresham about this phenomenon and he had the following to say, "For 40 years we have only ever had the greatness of our crowd and fans to talk about. Now just imagine adding in a trophy and having the best team in the league. My god. The blowback from this will be amazing. Our tifo celebrating our self will be epic. The 107ist already invited Major League Soccer to make a video about our bureaucracy that leads to our tifo displays with the video crew planning on making a long form documentary about the planning committee talking to the design committee about making a financial appropriation that leads to a tifo display. Expect this 30 minute documentary to be shot in 4k standard and available to download with the proceeds being donated to a local charity that helps children cope with the loss of their pets. We also have a reporter from the Guardian writing a column on the charity and the film and the tifo, as well, giving us four way coverage of the whole affair."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens regardless of the win or not.

Sounders Fan Loudly Assures Anyone That Will Listen That He Doesn't Care About MLS Cup

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Thomas Heartford has loudly and publicly declared on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even Snapchat that he doesn't care about Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup or the two teams that are playing in that game.

"GOD, I JUST DON'T  CARE. I DON'T CARE. I REALLY DON'T."

"I DON'T CARE," said Mr. Heartford repeatedly to everyone that would listen. "I seriously don't care. The season ended a long time ago. I'm looking into the players we are going to keep, the players we are going to let go and another year of Sigi at the helm. I don't care."

"I'm not sure why he is so defensive," said girlfriend Jasmine Delecroix. "I just said good morning to him on Monday and he screamed, 'I DON'T CARE' before he apologized." 

While friends say that this is likely a coping mechanism by Mr. Heartford he stuck to his guns repeating, "I still don't care. I DON'T. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I DON'T CARE."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Heartford as he plans a litany of taunts provided that Columbus wins MLS Cup.

David Beckham Plans Floating Stadium Built From Allocation Money On Coastline

Miami, FL - David Beckham, owner of the Miami MLS Franchise that may or may not happen, has announced that he has new plans to build a stadium on the coastline of Miami atop a floating bundle of spent allocation money originally given to Chivas USA.

This is definitely a picture of SOMETHING, although no one really knows what these images mean.

"This is the only way we are getting even close to Miami" said a chastened Beckham to investors on Monday. "We need a floating island made of allocation money and we need it now."

Reportedly, Beckham attempted to knock down a children's orphanage, a church, a funeral home, and a historical graveyard in order to get the stadium built but was unable to somehow secure the approval of the Miami city council who stated, "We need more of a dance club atmosphere with bottle service to allow such a raze of our cities vital infrastructure."

Beckham has announced that he expects the denizens of Miami to pay for a stadium for a sport that most don't care about in a spot most won't visit for a team that no one knows anything about, because people should care about soccer.

"ITS A REALLY BIG DEAL," said Beckham from London via his publicity handlers on the ground in New York City. "I just don't really understand why this is not working out, but I'll throw more money at it and we will get that floating island built with a high taxpayer burden as soon as possible."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Miami franchise relocates to New York City to become New York City Barcelona FC.

LA Galaxy Preparing for 2015 MLS Cup Finals vs NYCFC

LOS ANGELES - With only two weeks remaining until the 2015 MLS finals, LA Galaxy and NYCFC are both working hard to prepare their teams to square off for the final game of the year. We met with Bruce Arena at the StubHub Center on the DraftKings Pitch sponsored by Amway to discuss their successes so far and the challenges LA faces going forward.

Leaked publicity still from Major League Soccer

“We’re still in shock after the amazing Western Conference Championship match between us and the Seattle Sounders,” says Arena. “That 93’ goal from Steven Gerrard to give us the 3-2 lead and ultimately the win justified everything we paid to bring him here. Truly we can say that Gerrard is the key to all of our team’s success in 2015. We need to focus on how well we’ve played all year and how well we’ve done in the playoffs so far.”

We then asked what his plan is for the final match with NYCFC. “NYCFC has not only had a decade of dominance in MLS, it has secured its place as one of the most prestigious clubs in the world. We are coming in at a distant second place, but we plan to give them a fight and are hoping for an upset. Lampard? Pirlo? These are players at the top of their game that could play for any club anywhere in the world but they chose NYCFC because of how amazing that team is. We’re going to be hard pressed to beat them.”

We then asked him about some recent messages on Twitter that have suggested that some fans remembered other teams vying for the finals, possibly Dallas or the other New York team.

After a slight pause he removed a letter from his pocket and read from it. “Don Garber has stated that LA has always been up against NYCFC for the 2015 finals and hopes that we will all enjoy this legendary match.”

When asked about  this miracle occurance that landed LA Galaxy and NYCFC in the MLS Cup Final, Major League Soccer issued a non-comment and closed the door on our reporter.

Dramatization of theoretically real events involving a Don.

The Nutmeg News will have more news on this when Cosmo's head shows up in Coach Viera's bed.

FC Dallas to Petition MLS To Change Name To FC Dallas Cowboys And To Play Game On Thanksgiving

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas have reportedly petitioned Major League Soccer to change their name to FC Dallas Cowboys and to have their playoff game against the Portland Timbers be on Thanksgiving.

It's T.I.F.O which stands for Thanksgiving Informational Front Office display.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dallas Morning News editor Ramon Prandella about this petition and he had the following to say, "GOD. SOCCER. I DON'T CARE!"

Reportedly, FC Dallas have done this at a desperate bid for relevancy in their local market as according to a local researcher of Dallas sports culture, "Nobody knows what the hell is going on. Over 30% of fans at FC Dallas games think they are at a Sidekicks game and wonder why they are outside. They keep on asking where Tatu is in the lineup."

Dallas Legend!

"Good god anything we can do to be associated the Cowboys brand will be great for us" said FC Dallas CEO Clark Hunt. "The only way we are going to have market penetration is to glom onto the massive public relations beast known as the Cowboys. We are in talks to find a way to get on that Greg Hardy never ending publicity circle jerk without the whole beating your wife escapade. We are thinking of framing up Ryan Hollingshead as protesting at an abortion clinic or something to get the fundamentalists on board. Look we will do anything... ANYTHING to get on board this Cowboys bandwagon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FC Dallas Cowboys pursue their next name change to FC Dallas Mavericks Sidekicks.

Promotion and Relegation Zealots Expand Into Door To Door Outreach

"Have you heard the gospel of our prophet Ted" exclaimed promotion and relegation advocate Stephan Naismund to a random stranger in Pittsburgh on November 23rd.

This holiday season marks the beginning of the new outreach program by soccer advocates who religiously preach about the benefits of promotion and relegation to everyone who really just doesn't want to hear about it at all times.

"Our list of soccer leagues in a properly organized and open system has no judgment if you frequently look at risque pictures of Sydney Leroux!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to director of social outreach and Jimmy John's franchise employee Yancey Restretto. "It became important to us to ensure that our message reached out to not only people who talk about promotion and relegation and American soccer online, but as well to random strangers at their doorway when the baby is freaking out and the dog is barking. We understand that in order for you to fully grasp what we believe that we must train and send our finest orators in order to indoctrinate you into our cause and solicit donations for a bi-plane that will fly over MLS Cup with the words 'promotion and relegation now! you rat faced bastards'. These things and more are why you must understand the true gospel of our prophet Ted."

True to the words of Mr Restretto, the P&R Foundation has started training missionaries to spread the gospel of a united open soccer pyramid here and there across neighborhoods that are deemed "full of the infidel".

TNN Reporters spoke with Missionary Paul Davidson about his views on the apostate MLS fans.

"Those who shelter themselves within the cloister of the devil and his closed system of play will never taste the full fruit of freedom" said Mr Davidson at a Subway in downtown Denver. "For the infidel will burn in his heresy and therefore we will spread our seed out in a manner that will cause the closed minded sheeple to finally rise up and overthrow their masters and break the shackles of inequity that blindfold them against the tyranny of the few. The heretics must burn! Or at least they must admit that it would be totes cool to watch the Chicago Fire play against the Rochester Rhinos in the NPSL in front of 10 people."

While the list of cliche statements abound, Mr Davidson had one more thing to say regarding the suggested heretics.

"REPENT YE HERETICS LEST YE WATCH COLUMBUS VERSUS NEW YORK WITHOUT REALIZING THAT IT IS LOWER LEVEL STUFF THAT WOULD BE BETTER IF THERE WAS AN OPEN SYSTEM. BURN IN THE FIRES OF THEORETICAL HELLFIRE"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Promotion and Relegation advocates work in conjunction with the Rand Corporation to flyer neighborhoods about Fluoridation and European soccer.

Victory Makes Timbers Fan Forget How Much He Hates That Guy In Section 105

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Drew Godfried admitted that the recent victory over FC Dallas has made him completely forget how much he hates James Barrett that always stands over in Timbers Army section 105.

"Yeah, you can see him right there.... It just makes my blood boil, what a DICK!" - Drew Godfried

"Goddamn do I hate that dude" said Godfried out loud when he realized that the euphoria of the win had managed to break his cold outer shell towards the collection of fans that he sometimes loathes. 

"I also hate that guy that always stands towards the front of 103. What a dick, but man wasn't that Asprilla goal amazing!" 

Friends of Mr Godfried stated that he seemed in an unusually chipper mood on Monday and they attributed that to the bitter poison of his enmity with the people that make up the fan-base for his team seeping away into the vast ether of life immemorial after a particularly delightful win for the hometown club.

"He was definitely less ranty this morning" said  Daryl Jefferson of Tigard, Mr Godfried's boyfriend of 5 years. "Hopefully this win will keep him from continuing to complain about the people that seem to piss him off every time he goes to the stadium. It's a wonder that he uses his twitter account for any positivism at all instead of just endlessly harping on stupid petty bullshit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Godfried finds a way to focus back in on his enmity of Mr Barrett during the week in which he waits for the Portland Timbers to play FC Dallas away.

Red Bull New York Fan Finds Happiness In Return To Disappointment

NEW YORK - Zachary Ailes, a  long time Red Bull New York (RBNY) fan, has admitted that he is finding solace in the return to the disappointment that the team has typically given him in the past.

A return to crushing disappointment

"I wasn't comfortable with all this winning and trophies we have had over the past few years," said Ailes to his friends on Sunday night as he attempted to drown his sorrows. "People may want to pretend that everything was finally going well and that the team had turned a corner but it is comforting to know that everything is currently still how it has been for the past 20 seasons. I mean, that was a vintage Metro in the playoffs performance and it honestly feels comforting."

Friends of Mr Ailes, that he brought on board in the last three seasons, were reportedly crushed by the first round playoff loss, but Mr Ailes stated, "Get used to it guys. I could tell you stories that would make you stop following this team and never look back. Hell, just the story about using Metro versus Red Bull in our songs is a nuanced one, much less about our inability to get the job done in the playoffs. Either way we have another game for Red Bull to crap away and hopefully we will get a chance to really have another eventful offseason because I'm absolutely certain that is what all the fans want. Maybe we will even get another coach firing! Now THAT would be so Metro."
 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Jesse Marsch gets a vote of confidence in the first week of December.