"Have you heard the gospel of our prophet Ted" exclaimed promotion and relegation advocate Stephan Naismund to a random stranger in Pittsburgh on November 23rd.
This holiday season marks the beginning of the new outreach program by soccer advocates who religiously preach about the benefits of promotion and relegation to everyone who really just doesn't want to hear about it at all times.
The Nutmeg News spoke to director of social outreach and Jimmy John's franchise employee Yancey Restretto. "It became important to us to ensure that our message reached out to not only people who talk about promotion and relegation and American soccer online, but as well to random strangers at their doorway when the baby is freaking out and the dog is barking. We understand that in order for you to fully grasp what we believe that we must train and send our finest orators in order to indoctrinate you into our cause and solicit donations for a bi-plane that will fly over MLS Cup with the words 'promotion and relegation now! you rat faced bastards'. These things and more are why you must understand the true gospel of our prophet Ted."
True to the words of Mr Restretto, the P&R Foundation has started training missionaries to spread the gospel of a united open soccer pyramid here and there across neighborhoods that are deemed "full of the infidel".
TNN Reporters spoke with Missionary Paul Davidson about his views on the apostate MLS fans.
"Those who shelter themselves within the cloister of the devil and his closed system of play will never taste the full fruit of freedom" said Mr Davidson at a Subway in downtown Denver. "For the infidel will burn in his heresy and therefore we will spread our seed out in a manner that will cause the closed minded sheeple to finally rise up and overthrow their masters and break the shackles of inequity that blindfold them against the tyranny of the few. The heretics must burn! Or at least they must admit that it would be totes cool to watch the Chicago Fire play against the Rochester Rhinos in the NPSL in front of 10 people."
While the list of cliche statements abound, Mr Davidson had one more thing to say regarding the suggested heretics.
"REPENT YE HERETICS LEST YE WATCH COLUMBUS VERSUS NEW YORK WITHOUT REALIZING THAT IT IS LOWER LEVEL STUFF THAT WOULD BE BETTER IF THERE WAS AN OPEN SYSTEM. BURN IN THE FIRES OF THEORETICAL HELLFIRE"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Promotion and Relegation advocates work in conjunction with the Rand Corporation to flyer neighborhoods about Fluoridation and European soccer.