NEW YORK - Don Garber announced Monday that he would be instituting the ideals of promotion and relegation among the press corps that covers Major League Soccer.
"We feel like the time has come for promotion and relegation as it pertains to our reporters. Having said that we should acknowledge the hard work of fans the entire nation over, including our 51st state of Canada, that made this happen." said Garber before a sparsely attended press conference at the Red Lobster in Times Square.
"Starting next year in January, all the people who report on our league will be arranged into four different divisions. Access to teams and to the league front office will be granted based on the number of ass-kissing, obtuse articles that you write where you challenge nothing about the league structure and instead just toe the company line repeatedly. If you perform this job well enough at your local level you will be given the beat for your region. Perform well enough with your region and you will be promoted to national. Perform well enough with the national beat and you could see yourself promoted to the Premier league of MLS level reporting. That is doing commentary on US Soccer Federation games, international friendlies, and any Major League Soccer game that you want to cover while writing pithy twitter commentary on airplanes to desperate fans who just want to see their name mentioned in your twitter feed."
Garber stated that reporters who fulfill their end of the bargain in promoting the league without asking too many questions about the league structure or the finances within will be promoted and relegated between these divisions.
"We aren't looking for the next Bob Woodward, we are looking for the next Bill O'Reilly. We want someone who can shape the debate about the league in a way that flatters us and minimizes fan complaints to the description of a noisy minority."
The Nutmeg News will have as much news on this as Major League Soccer releases, which is likely going to be a press release that is already invalidated by an internal meeting that was held but not reported on until July of 2016 where we find that all of this wasn't actually true.