Denver, CO - The final match in the 2015 Rocky Mountain Cup derby, a derby held each year between Real Salt Lake and the Colorado Rapids, was held this weekend and exactly two fucks were given. The first fuck was given by Colorado Rapids social media expert, Asher Price after discovering that the Rapids had won the cup.
"As soon as that final whistle blew we saw that Salt Lake had won 2-1." says Price, "We quickly did the math and discovered that the teams ended with four points apiece. It was going to come down to goal difference, but knowing how our season has gone I figured I was going to have to save my fuck for the next season. But after running over the numbers I found that we had actually won on goal difference."
It was at this point Asher Price gave his fuck, tweeted out the giving of his fuck on the companies Twitter account, and ran out of the box seats and down the Dicks Sporting Goods Park concourse cheering and yelling about the fuck he gave.
The Rocky Mountain Cup derby was created in 2005 when Salt Lake joined Major League Soccer although no one seems to know who created it or why. The supporters seem to claim they created it, the front offices claim they made it big by sponsoring it, and Subaru claims that you can get .5% off a brand new Forester if you bring in a ticket stub from the game, but no fucks were given by the Colorado supporters despite the fact that the cup ceremony followed the match and the fact that the Rapids have won the cup four times to Salt Lake’s seven, so its importance remains a mystery.
The second fuck was given fifteen minutes after the match’s conclusion as Price was running down the concourse screaming about the cup and the fuck he gave. A highly inebriated Mark Heinsman was being assisted by his friends towards the exit at the time.
"I was trying hard not to vomit before I got outside," says Hinsman, "and then suddenly I see this skinny guy in a bow tie running down the concourse yelling about winning the cup. I was so out of it that when I heard the talk about winning a cup I flashed back to 2010 and thought we had just won an MLS cup. Like I said, I was really drunk. I shook my friends off my arms, immediately gave my fuck then and there, and ran up to this guy and we hugged and jumped chanting ‘we won the cup, we won the cup!’ It wasn’t until a couple hours later that I realized that guy was actually talking about the Rocky Mountain Cup, not an MLS cup. By then it was too late as my fuck had already been given and I couldn’t retract it."
TNN will continue to report on this story if any additional fucks are given about the Rocky Mountain Cup, intentionally or otherwise.