Rec League Roundup: Unrealistic Expectations Placed On Poor Bastard That Picked #9 Kit

Louisville, KY - Members of the Greater Louisville Soccer League reportedly heaped large amounts of unrealistic expectations on Frederic Hahn after he picked the #9 kit out of the cardboard box on the ground by the pick-nick table during his teams first practice.

Run, you poor bastard!

Run, you poor bastard!

"He better be able to play, score goals, run the channels, pass the ball efficiently and finish" said head coach Dale Roberts. "You don't grab that number unless you are good. It's the truth. Like wearing flashy boots was the sign that you were a good player, then it was the sign that you were a nob with too much money, then it was the sign that you were an average player, and then a person with all black cleats was the person you had to be afraid of. It's all cyclical."

Hahn reportedly had no idea what he was getting into after attending this practice due to friend John Mulaney recommending that rec league soccer was a great way to meet friends.

"I've never played a game before in my life and this was the only jersey they had left in my size" said a bewildered Hahn as he was lined up in the middle to practice his headers on corner kicks. "What am I supposed to do!?"

Other members of his team including Julia Gustoffson and Mohammed Buland said, "His first name is Frederic, I think he is European. Why else would he select the #9 kit? He knows how to play, so lets put him up top and have him run his ass off. We expect goals."

Hahn was reportedly found out as an inexperienced amateur two minutes into the first game and received notable comments of "I thought you knew what you were doing" before offering to give back the kit which only made it worse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hahn sits on the sideline for two full games hoping to get subbed into the match without realizing he just needs to call his turn.