Sepp Blatter Announces Donation To Swiss Attorney Generals Office

ZURICH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced a massive 200 million Euro private donation of his own money to the Swiss Attorney General's Office after the Swiss authorities opened criminal proceedings against the President of FIFA on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as suspicion of misappropriation.

Na na na na na say u wanna fly chick, imma ride or die chick... from the block
Think u could handle this prolly not jus a lil tease and ur heart will stop

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Blatter about the donation and he had the following to say, "This is just my way of showing that regardless of the faulty charges lobbed against me by the intellectuals and morally bankrupt west, that I still love our local government. I'm hoping that all my charitable *cough* donations over the years will mask my reckless financial misappropriation so that the attorney general will see fit to drop all the charges against me."

When asked whether or not he considers his donation a bribe, Blatter stated, "My good boy, don't you understand that I'm merely giving them hundreds of millions of Euros with no intention of receiving anything in return. There's absolutely nothing untoward about donating hundreds of millions of euros to someone and just waiting for the generosity of the world to extricate you from this situation. It's like when we built my fortress on the hill above Berchtesgaden, but... well.. you wouldn't know about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter as he turns slowly like a roast pig at a luau.

Rec League Roundup: Your Coach On Your New Team Wants To Play A 3-4-3 With An Offside Trap

Well, it's true. Your coach on that team you joined because you wanted to gain some fitness and lose some weight this fall wants to play a 3-4-3 with an offside trap in a rec league more renowned for having players that passed out drunk in the sun while the game is going on than actual decent play.

"GUYS, WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS PLAY SOME REAL BEAUTIFUL FOOTBALL", he screams at you as you limber up, trying desperately to shake 10 years of inactivity from your bones.

I TOLD YOU TO SHOW FOR THE BALL AND THEN PEEL OFF TO PLAY A ONE-TWO WITH THE FULLBACK! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!

"Back when I was on the bench as an equipment manager for U-Conn... That's D-1 folks... We played this system and I watched the boys take it to the quarterfinals of a local tournament" he says before setting out cones in a pattern for you to run and yelling at two guys who showed up 45 minutes late because they are thinking about quitting before you play even one game this season.

"This team is going to play some real beautiful stuff" he repeats as you realize he isn't even dressed to go out on the field.

"That's right, I blew out my ACL during a slide tackle to save a goal and my job working as a temp for Wal-Mart doesn't cover the insurance to get it fixed. Don't worry, I'll be available if I need to go out there, I've got a brace."

While you know that only 20 minutes into the season that your team is going to abandon this gameplan because the league referees are so awful that they can't tell whether you are playing someone onside or not and all your centerbacks are so old and slow that they can't track back fast enough to cover the 19 year old kids you are playing against which will lead to your team being down 6-0 in the first half, you still go through the motions to appease him because most of the team doesn't know each other well enough to call bullshit on him yet.

"Goddamit larry I told you to RUN!" he screams as you consider again why you signed up for this experience.

How many times do I have to illustrate this for you guys. We are going to attack here and then take them out of position! Memorize this! GOD!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you shift to a 3-5-1 with wingback play, because "that 3-4-3 was too ambitious and complicated for you guys to start with."

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Real Salt Lake

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle, and Real Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Real Salt Lake

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Seattle

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men and women involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle and Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

The Sixth Place War: Seattle

Letters From The Sixth Place War: San Jose

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: San Jose

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Portland Timbers

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Portland

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: 10 Years Of Releasing MLSPU Salary Numbers And 10 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 10 years now. 

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

C.R.E.A.M. -- is invalid because you don't know the real costs and how much people are making. All I can tell you is that your estimates of how MUCH cash rules everything around me are way off base. Completely wrong. NO, I WONT TELL YOU BY HOW MUCH. 

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 10 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.

With Only A Handful Of Home Games Left, Fans Prepare For Life Without MLS Games

The prospect of the ending of the Major League Soccer (MLS) season has shocked and galvanized fans of teams league wide into the realization that they only have a few home games left. For teams without a playoff game, this means the end of the season is upcoming quickly.

"I suppose I'll have to see my husband on the weekends again," said Union fan Betheny Sterrill. "He's not a soccer fan and we use this time as a nice escape from our regular lives. However, I'm not sure what that is going to be like when we actually have to have a conversation on the weekend. Fortunately, he has the Eagles and I like to knit and obsess about Getafe during the Union's off season so we won't have to have any awkward conversations until the few months between the Superbowl and the start of the Philadelphia Union pre-season."

The glue factory beckons....... Or at least just hanging up the mask for another year.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Derek Blick from the southwest side of Chicago about the ending of the Fire season.

"Thank fucking Christ. Wait... can I say that? Well, I don't care. I'm just happy that this horrible experiment is over, Yallop is fired and the end of the season is nigh. Oh sure, I'm going to miss seeing every one in the Harlem End, but honestly... we could all do with hanging out together in a way that doesn't turn into a raging alcoholic loss commiseration party and anti-Hauptman rally. This time away from the game will do all of us good, just to shake the poison out of our veins that the front office and boys on the field ladled into our bodies with vigor during 2015."

While Chicago fans are happy about the end of the season, Columbus Crew fans are looking forward to an exciting post season. 

"Two home games left, hanging out at second place in the east, our team really coming together... this is a great time." said Crew fan Dale Wisterman "I'm feeling optimistic because we aren't just trying to back into the playoffs but I honestly can feel that we can do some damage there. Kei has been amazing for us and Ethan and Pipa. After all the struggles of the previous years, this one has just been incredibly cathartic. My wife and my relationship has been better than ever, she is enjoying going to the games again, as we all are. I swear that even my kids are smiling more. Life is good."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Colorado Rapids fan Anthony Edwards about the end of the season.

"Is it over yet? I want to be free. I want to stop caring. I just want it to end. Please, just let this end. I'm not going to the last game, I'm just not. I probably will, but I don't want to go. Honestly, the only reason I feel like going is that I already paid for my tickets so I might as well see how deep the rabbit hole of crap goes. But no, lets just end this season and move on to Pablo and the new offensive coach. It couldn't possibly be more offensive than this year because this year was offensive to anyone who loves the beautiful game. I just need a freaking break. Thanks, Rapids."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as everyone realizes that they only have two or three home games left in the season.

New York Fans Unsure What To Do With Surging Optimism

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) fans are reportedly unsure what to do with their surging optimism after their 2-0 win over the Portland Timbers on Sunday.

"We are in the running for the Supporters Shield, again. We already booked a playoff spot, again. We took down a western conference team on the road. I don't even know what to do with myself!" said 20 year fan of the Metrostars and RBNY, Steven Kotby. "I'm going to launch all my old Petke memorabilia off the top of the Empire State Building or something. Well, no... I'm not going to do that at all, but WHAT A FEELING."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Red Bull fan Penelope Johnston about her burgeoning hope. "This is just amazing, honestly. To go from the raucous town hall meeting and the angst over the firing of Mike Petke, to beating Portland in their own house and claiming the top of the East again while booking our step into the playoffs, this season has been one enjoyable ride. I mean I think back over the season with all the games we have watched and all the play we have enjoyed. This has just been an incredible turnaround. WHAT DO WE DO?!"

That's not a sweater vest!

While most Red Bull Fans are finding the silver lining,p a few long term fans accustomed to the heartbreak that the team provides are still cautioning against delirium.

"The supporter shield is shit. We just want the cup. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and all get crushed when Metro gets killed by New England in the playoffs and we fire Jesse Marsch for not being able to get us all the way there. We are still in for the same ride, and there is nothing short of an MLS cup victory that will convince me otherwise," said Tom Benson of Newark, NJ.

"All these new fans don't understand the wave of unrelenting despair that is coming straight for their face. That wave we call the Major League Soccer playoffs where shit teams like the Colorado Rapids somehow manage to find their way to a cup win. Despair is coming, as well. Enjoy it while you can. I'm going outside to smoke."

While the dissenting opinions still live, most Red Bull New York fans are trying to deal with the massive amounts of optimism that are swelling within the undercarriage of the New York Is Red crowd.

"I can't handle this. Please start losing or at least playing poorly so that it validates my hardscrabble fanhood and I can get back to drinking and yelling things in frustration at the television. This is just nuts!" yelled Wesley Godot before he cartwheeled in the street before his 1 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. "This is just rediculous. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!"

Learn Basic Skills With Matias Perez-Garcia And Tom Emanski's New Series "Soccer Diving Fundamentals"

San Jose, CA - Matias Perez-Garcia has announced a partnership with legendary Baseball fundamentals teacher Tom Emanski to create a video series that highlights the correct way to dive on the soccer field. 

Order at http://all-american-athlete.com/tom-emanksi-baseball-training-videos.html Order the original and timeless Tom Emanski instructional baseball video series.

Perez-Garcia stated, "We wanted to show Americans, Canadians and Mexicans the new and revolutionary techniques for diving in order to give them a strong edge in their games. I start out by showing my most recent technique against the Montreal Impact."

Here we see Perez-Garcia showing the correct way to non-initiate initiate contact. However, this is only the beginning of his lesson.

"We must ensure that you not only go over, but that you communicate the theatrical ability with your next move. The referee must know that you have been fouled as well."

What we see here is the addition of theatrics to make it look like you were gunned down by a sniper while having your foot amputated by a bear trap.

Perez-Garcia and Emanski say, in their press release, that too often they can see players who haven't been taught the correct way to dive and that there needs to be a standardization of basic skills that enhance the diving process.

"We all need to learn the correct way to go down like Ted Haggard" said Perez-Garcia, "It is important to learn that we aren't just talking about falling but acting and theatrics. That is where my new instructional videos will come in. You can start your subscription to the Matias Perez-Garcia and Tom Emanski Soccer Diving Fundamentals which include two new videos 'Dive Like An Amateur' and 'Dive Like A Professional' for only $19.95 a tape."

Timbers Fans: Here Are Some Terrible Reasons Why You Should Be Excited That Darlington Nagbe Is Going To Spend More Time Away From Your Team!

With the recent Hub-Bub about Darlington Nagbe's eligibility for the United States, The Nutmeg News sat down and created a list of terrible reasons why Timbers fans should be totally excited that they will potentially see less of Darlington Nagbe for the Timbers in the future.

Enjoy college while you can!

#1 It will give you, Timbers fans, more time to get ready for the grieving process when your ownership sells him for a boatload of money that they will use on a washing machine and the rights to a 13 year old winger from Suriname.

#2 It will allow Jurgen Klinsmann time to develop.... an opinion about Nagbe's inability to play with his left foot.

In this picture, the only body parts Darlington Nagbe uses to touch a ball.

#3 It will allow Darlington Nagbe a more diversified opportunity to be isolated in the midfield with forwards that can't score.

Ball goes IN the net, Timbers.

#4 It will allow Darlington Nagbe the opportunity to really compete for that fullback position that he covets in Klinsmann's system.

#5 It will expose Darlington Nagbe to the rigors of international jet lag combined with raising a family via skype, a component that has long been missing from his game.

So be excited for that United States call up, Timbers fans. You have earned it!

Senators Fan Admits, "If The Ottawa Fury Keep Winning, I'm Going To Have To Learn Something About Them"

OTTAWA - Senators fan Stephen St. Clair has admitted that if the Ottawa Fury continue winning in the North American Soccer League (NASL) that he might actually have to learn something about the team.

"Yeah, look I was ready to ignore them. Honestly, I was ready to talk crap about them and tell my friends to ignore the team. However, now they are winning. I think they have only lost once in 12 games. That's pretty incredible. I mean it's getting to the point where I'm going to have to talk about them with my friends and I don't know anything about the team. I mean seriously though, who plays a split schedule. What the hell is going on there?"

Did you know that Pele played for the Cosmos? DID YOU KNOW? DID. YOU. KNOW. #EatSubway

St. Clair stated that while he isn't going to take valuable time away from intricately obsessing about whether Milan Michalek is going to move up to the third line for the Senators, he will start glancing from time to time at the table and look up the wikipedia page for the team.

"Hockey isn't back until October, so I have some time in between then and now. I just need some help understanding who the hell is on this team and whether I should go all in with my obsessions and buy all their gear or give up on them early."

While St. Clair is having this dilemma, The Nutmeg News reached out to local soccer analysts to see if he should be bullish or bearish with his support. 

"Well, if I was going all in on Ottawa right now I would short on their future" said local Sports Bandwagon analyst Roger Gregor.

"They are about to lose their head coach to Major League Soccer after the season and will likely spin into a circle of destruction. In short, short the future bandwagon approach, go medium on the gear, but definitely get involved with some generics like talking about Paulo Junior."

Brek Shea To Consider Changing Name To "Deez Nuts"

Orlando, FL - Soccer player, painter and connoisseur of Stoke-on-Trent history, Brek Shea, has announced that he is considering a "Chad Ochocinco" name change to Deez Nuts in an effort to re-brand and rebuild his soccer career.

"I noticed during the recent presidential election that there was a significant groundswell of support for Deez Nuts and I knew that I could capitalize on this. Imagine thousands of kids in the Orlando stands with freshly minted Deez Nuts OCSC kits. Imagine people in the stands singing, 'Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTS' when I score a goal. This is a really amazing chance to start over, start fresh and build myself the kind of career I can be proud of.

Imagine all the people....... singing Deez Nuts to me.... oh ooooh oh oh.... You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one.

While Shea admits that this is a controversial idea that may lose him some sponsorship's he says that he will be able to make it up with new more youth oriented sponsors in the future.

"We are in conversations with the WWE for some kind of wrestling tie in, with the Waffle House and with NASCAR. We are also in contact with Truck Nutz, the ultimate truck accessory, to have a Deez Nuts/Brek Shea analog to hang on the back of your truck. Imagine THOSE possibilities, especially financially. All these sponsors have indicated that they would be interested in giving us money if I change my name to Deez Nuts. Just wait for it! Deez Nuts in your GOALMOUTH!"

Imagine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it slowly happens.

Area Woman Has Very Specific Thoughts On How To Fix Major League Soccer TV Ratings

Soccer fan and full time internet comment aficionado, Inez Barros, has some very specific bullet points on how to fix Major League Soccer (MLS) television ratings and she wants the MLS front office to know that the implementation of these methodologies will likely not only fix MLS ratings but fix soccer television ratings for all leagues in the US and Canada, forever.

"This is the only way to fix our moribund television ratings," said Barros on a facebook post regarding the dismal ratings  "I know how it has to be done and it isn't being done right now."

The Z-Axis on this is completely and factually correct.

The list that Barros detailed includes the following specific items.

-----------------------

#1 Sign Lionel Messi

#2 Sign Cristiano Ronaldo

#3 Sign Zlatan Ibrahimovic

#4 Sign Raheem Sterling

#5 Make teams more popular locally

#6 Institute promotion relegation

#7 Make a team in Miami popular

#8 More sexy football

#9 Make people like the game in places where they don't like the game

#10 Make the NFL go away

--------------------------

These are only the first 10 of Ms Barros 200 point plan that she detailed in the comments section on Wednesday afternoon. 

"They just aren't doing it. The thing is so simple. Why can't they do it? They just hate us all the time. Just sign Messi and people will magically start caring immediately," said an irate Barros to this reporter. "I just hope that they will hire me to run things for MLS because I can make Television happen. I know how to fix things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this subject continues to rage on and on long after the polar ice caps melt and we are all sunning ourselves on a beach in Littleton, Colorado.

Desperately Needing To Post Something, Blogger Writes About Mascots

WASHINGTON - "I got nothing," said DC United blogger Travis Worthington in a direct message to his writing partner Jeffrey Grant. "Literally nothing. It's the end of the season and I've written all the same articles 26 times over the last 10 years."

That's when Mr. Worthington realized that the only thing left was the last bastion of the damned, "I realized I was going to write about soccer mascots."

The acid is starting to kick in, Reginald.

Mr. Worthington admitted that this was dangerous territory for a number of reasons.

"Well, no one likely cares. Also, I'm not entirely well versed on the subject, but honestly it should only take me a few minutes on google to figure this all out. Also, @futbolintellect covers all of this mascot stuff very well on twitter so I'm risking the wrath of the internet mascot legend and his cadre of mascot devotees. Likely I will get mocked and shunned by the mascot fraternity and the pro-mascot supplicants that make promotion and relegation advocates look like choir boys. I'm actually afraid for my life, to be honest. I'm going to be inundated with fierce gifs and emoticons that suggest things that I should do to myself or think about myself that I'm likely going to have to look up to figure out if I'm being insulted. However, I'm being 100% honest here, I am fresh out of ideas and desperate. We need to publish SOMETHING."

Mr Worthington noted that he was starting to write his article starting with Pottermus Hippo from Stoke

The hippopotamus originated from Stoke during the industrial revolution when a local lad put a dog out on a flooded field and fed it Kale and oil grease until it transformed into what you see today.

"It's going to get real weird. But at least I'm not writing about Ben Olsen again for the 200th time. For now, It's all mascots all the time."

TNN Style Guide: How To Celebrate MLS Roster Freeze Day

TNN Style Guide here to help you celebrate Major League Soccer (MLS) Roster Freeze Day appropriately.

On this auspicious day of roster frugality and penny pinching it is important to celebrate correctly, strongly and appropriately.

Step #1:  Hey there lazy bones, the first thing to do is dress well because this is an important day. If you are on the east coast, you are likely already dressed. If this is true, then undress! Get naked! This is an important day! TRUST US.

Step #2: Since you are likely at work, leave work. If you aren't at work, then you might be an MLS Roster Freeze Day veteran and we salute this. If you can't leave work, go to your bathroom. If you can't go to the bathroom, then ask that dick in human resources, Todd, why you can't go to the bathroom and punch him in the face as hard as you can. C'mon, we gave you permission to do so. 

(TNN LEGAL NOTE: We did not give you permission to punch Todd)

Step #3: Pull out that bottle of scotch that you have been saving since your dad left it at your house three months ago because he got drunk on Keystone at your sisters wedding and forgot that he left the Dalwhinnie behind the presents. 

Step #4: Check your team's roster and figure out where they could improve that might help you on a playoff run.

Step #5: Realize that they likely will not be doing anything

Step #6: Drink the scotch. 

Did..... Did they....burp.... replace Roman Torres yet? ... No... ah...... DAMMIT BECKY! We had ashance.

Step #7: Understand the situation that you are in and head out for lunch. If the time that you are reading this is after lunch then just head home,. Your boss doesn't need to see you like this and he/she won't understand anyway. It's like that time that you took a day off to go to Orlando City away and everyone just asked you how Disney World was. Make sure to call a cab because you are likely drunk now. IF you aren't drunk than keep drinking. If you are sober, then get hyper caffeinated instead. Just pound one energy drink after another until a cascading flurry of energy washes over your brain putting you into a near manic state of hyper intense emotions.

Step #8: Watch old videos of your team's past glories. Note: if in Toronto then just watch highlights of Giovinco free-kicks from this season while listening to Eric Carmen's All By Myself.

Step #9: Drink More and get on twitter

Step #10: Post while sobbing uncontrollably.

And that's the appropriate way to celebrate MLS Roster Freeze day. Get out there and enjoy yourself!

Landon Donovan Still Waiting For Call Up To USMNT

LOS ANGELES - Retired Major League Soccer (MLS) player and former United States international Landon Donovan has admitted that he is still waiting for Jurgen Klinsmann to call him up to the United States squad for the upcoming game against Mexico.

"He owes me," said Donovan to our reporter on Tuesday morning. "He owes me big time. After I didn't get the call for the World Cup and I retired, I know in my heart of heart that I should still be starting for the United States."

When I get back to the United States, everything is going to be smooth sailing. SMOOTH. I ALWAYS GET CALLED UP.

While Klinsmann and Donovan clearly had a fall out over Donovan's absence to Cambodia during the United States World Cup qualifying campaign, there are no signs that their acrimony has receded in recent times. 

"This is my time to be retired but still get call ups to the national team. I haven't been training at all but I could likely walk onto the field and school all these young whippersnappers. Klinsmann just hates America and wants me to actually be retired like I claimed that I was going to be. What he didn't realize is that I wanted to retire from playing when I didn't want to play. My retirement is more about me just being able to play internationally, like Alex Morgan or Abby Wambach. The club game is for suckers. The real joy is just running out on the field every once in awhile for the national team and then selling endorsements for JNCO jeans. I just want to bleach my hair, call Bianca, and pretend that it is 2002 all over again without actually having to show up for Galaxy training, talk to the press, or play soccer for more than one game. Is that too much to ask?."

While it seems that Donovan hasn't let the grudge go, The Nutmeg News asked Jurgen Klinsmann for his thoughts on the matter and received the following response by email.

FROM THE DESK OF JURGEN KLINSMANN:

"Lan...don... WHO?"

* Dictated but not read

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when their feud bursts into flame again for no reason.

Managers Admit, "It's Virtually Impossible To Get Fired In This League"

With the Major League Soccer (MLS) season winding down, managers the league over are reveling in their ability to survive an epic shit storm of results and keep their job.

Colorado Rapids head coach, Pablo Mastroeni, had the following to say, "This job is a dream. We have only won 8 games this entire year, and we have been completely inept offensively and yet I haven't been fired! I'm planning on rolling an 'injury bug' and 'inconsistent lineup' excuse right on into 2016"

I drink your milkshake.... I drink it up.... I also coach your team to a 34 points season with 6 games left to go. STILL GOT A JOB!

Frank Yallop of the Chicago Fire was equally ecstatic, "No one here knows what they are doing. I'm just holding on and watching my 401k bloom. It's a heady time here, only one manager fired the entire season? We live in amazing times. More than half the league gets rewarded for mediocrity so why not hold on to us, we are just one hot striker away from getting you undeservedly into the playoffs!"

TNN also spoke with Jim Curtin of the Philadelphia Union about his season, "Wonderfull. We have 5 games left, we have a -11 goal differential and we have been spared the bottom of the league by the dumpster fires in Chicago and New York. If I can somehow pull out a win in the US Open Cup I'll probably get a 10 year contract extension. I'm THIS close to earning MLS tenure! I'm about to start sewing patches onto my coaching blazers."

I once played with only 9 players for 3 straight games and no one noticed!  Everybody thought we played better during those games! UN-FIREABLE!

While Jeff Cassar equally had some bombastic things to say, "Aint nobody getting fired! Who cares! I mean, it's all about continuity.... right? WINK WINK! Just tell the owners that everything is about continuity at all times, in every way. We love when journalists tell the owners that. You don't win by firing managers all the time, people. I don't care if they lead you to a 9 win season where you have a -16 road goal differential and more people bailing on the team than the Lusitania. MLS! Playoffs! 2015! Who cares!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these coaches are fired by one investor group and hired by another investor group and then repeated in the next 4 years.

Toddler Doesn't Yet Realize How Stupid He Is For Liking Soccer

Fort Wayne, IN - One year old toddler Jay Graham doesn't yet realize how stupid he is for liking soccer as he still revels in enjoying the game with his dad.

Look at him, all cute and stupid about sports. PREPARE FOR YOUR DEPRESSION, KID.

"I'll admit it, I haven't prepared him for the soul crushing elements of soccer," said Jay's father Anthony. "I really need to spend more time preparing him for the parts of the game that reduce you to a heaving husk of emotion simply looking for any reason to vent your palpable rage tinted frustration into the cool air after your team gives up a 2 goal lead." 

Anthony Graham admits that his son enjoys life and soccer entirely too much to be one year old. 

"It concerns me, what with his happy-go-lucky attitude, that we are setting him up for an inevitable depression when he realizes how shit his soccer team is and how terrible every single league is to fans. Right now he just likes the flashing color pictures, but wait til he realizes that the flashing color pictures is the culmination of a massive dump that your team has been taking on your chest for the past 9 months as we slowly slip out of any kind of meaningful contention into the miasma of bullshit that pervades our teams very existence. My son has yet to realize how futile the abject involvement of being a fan in the stands can be when your team miserably concedes another goal against the run of play.

He hasn't realized, yet, that every single league and team in the United States and Canada is an unmitigated dumpster fire run and owned by some of the worst stewards the game has ever seen. He hasn't even experienced the soul crushing loss of his team to another city while other people tell him to shut up.

On one hand I hope he never cheers for a team in the United States, but God in heaven help him if he ends up being a Aston Villa fan, like me. We are all going to hell, Jay. We are all going to hell."

When asked whether Jay has shown an interest in any North American teams, Anthony admitted that he has begun to scream in delight when Chicago Fire games are played. "This one-year-old is going straight to hell on an express train of clinical depression and he doesn't even know it yet. Just look at him with his cute little smile and fat little face. YOUR TEAM BURNS IN THE FIRES OF OWNERSHIP INCOMPETENCE AND PURE UNADULTERATED IDIOCY."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jay enters clinical depression at 18 months.

As The Looming Battle For Sixth Place Heats Up, Fans Find Ways To Cope With Mounting Pressure

"I may shit myself at any time" said Portland Timbers superfan Timothy Crutchfield. "The pressure is just too intense."

What Mr Crutchfield is speaking about is the battle for sixth place and the illustrious ability to play a road play-in playoff game in a half empty stadium in the 2015 version of the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup Playoffs. 

"It's just so much, that sixth place idea, that I wander around all the time trying to figure out what sixth place means to me. I realized I couldn't contain my bowels at moments of excitement after the last 0-0 match against Sporting Kansas City, so I just started to wear adult diapers to allow myself an attempt at full relaxation."

Who knew that a battle for a mediocre season would be so fun!

The Nutmeg News also spoke to a Donna Fairview from Oakland, CA who is a San Jose Earthquakes fan. 

"It's too much! The pressure is just getting to me. I was looking at the standings the other day and I could actually see our position in the table wiggle up and then wiggle back down. We are talking about sixth place here, people. This isn't a seventh place, and not even a fifth place. We are talking an unmitigated battle for the soul of a fanbase and pride that comes with being sixth place in the Major League Western Conference and possibly somewhere around 11th to 14th place overall in the league. This. Is. Full. On. Pants. Shitting. Time. Full stop."

When the Nutmeg News asked Ms. Fairview about whether she was wearing a diaper she said no, "I had to change it after the Seattle game and I'm about to put it back on. This is just simply too intense. The only thing that will protect me, the Earthquakes, and my couch are multiple layers of folded absorption materials.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Seattle Sounders fan Jeremy Brookings about this tense moment of deciding 6th place in Major League Soccer but he was unusually calm as we spoke to him at his favorite tattoo parlor.

"Yep, I'm getting a 4th place tattoo right now. No way we are slipping back to sixth place. I mean, I know that we are only one point in front of both Kansas City and Portscum but I feel very very confident. I'm so damn confident that I'm getting a 4th place tattoo right now next to my tattoo of Clint Dempsey riding Obafemi Martins to the scoring title. No going back baby! FOURTH PLACE! 2015 FOURTH PLACE IN THE WEST AND ROUGHLY LIKE 8TH OR 9TH OVERALL! WOO"

Finally, The Nutmeg News spoke to Sporting Kansas City fan Julia Rykstrom about how her season is going.

"This is just awful, I don't have a clue anymore. I just.... I just don't even know. For the love of Brisket Bob I want an non strained ligament for most of our players and three points. I am, as well, on the diaper kick. We may end up in 3rd we may end up outside the playoffs. I'm just continually crapping my pants in hard anticipation of sixth place. I mean that's what we are aiming for, I think. That sweet sweet sixth place.  We are talking about having a trophy set up for Sixth place in MLS called the Major League Soccer Trophy Of Mediocrity, but we don't want to get ahead of our self. I still think we will make it, though."

The Nutmeg News will have more from "The Battle For Sixth Place" when we release our narrative Ken Burns style documentary on the fight.