As The Looming Battle For Sixth Place Heats Up, Fans Find Ways To Cope With Mounting Pressure

"I may shit myself at any time" said Portland Timbers superfan Timothy Crutchfield. "The pressure is just too intense."

What Mr Crutchfield is speaking about is the battle for sixth place and the illustrious ability to play a road play-in playoff game in a half empty stadium in the 2015 version of the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup Playoffs. 

"It's just so much, that sixth place idea, that I wander around all the time trying to figure out what sixth place means to me. I realized I couldn't contain my bowels at moments of excitement after the last 0-0 match against Sporting Kansas City, so I just started to wear adult diapers to allow myself an attempt at full relaxation."

Who knew that a battle for a mediocre season would be so fun!

Who knew that a battle for a mediocre season would be so fun!

The Nutmeg News also spoke to a Donna Fairview from Oakland, CA who is a San Jose Earthquakes fan. 

"It's too much! The pressure is just getting to me. I was looking at the standings the other day and I could actually see our position in the table wiggle up and then wiggle back down. We are talking about sixth place here, people. This isn't a seventh place, and not even a fifth place. We are talking an unmitigated battle for the soul of a fanbase and pride that comes with being sixth place in the Major League Western Conference and possibly somewhere around 11th to 14th place overall in the league. This. Is. Full. On. Pants. Shitting. Time. Full stop."

When the Nutmeg News asked Ms. Fairview about whether she was wearing a diaper she said no, "I had to change it after the Seattle game and I'm about to put it back on. This is just simply too intense. The only thing that will protect me, the Earthquakes, and my couch are multiple layers of folded absorption materials.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Seattle Sounders fan Jeremy Brookings about this tense moment of deciding 6th place in Major League Soccer but he was unusually calm as we spoke to him at his favorite tattoo parlor.

"Yep, I'm getting a 4th place tattoo right now. No way we are slipping back to sixth place. I mean, I know that we are only one point in front of both Kansas City and Portscum but I feel very very confident. I'm so damn confident that I'm getting a 4th place tattoo right now next to my tattoo of Clint Dempsey riding Obafemi Martins to the scoring title. No going back baby! FOURTH PLACE! 2015 FOURTH PLACE IN THE WEST AND ROUGHLY LIKE 8TH OR 9TH OVERALL! WOO"

Finally, The Nutmeg News spoke to Sporting Kansas City fan Julia Rykstrom about how her season is going.

"This is just awful, I don't have a clue anymore. I just.... I just don't even know. For the love of Brisket Bob I want an non strained ligament for most of our players and three points. I am, as well, on the diaper kick. We may end up in 3rd we may end up outside the playoffs. I'm just continually crapping my pants in hard anticipation of sixth place. I mean that's what we are aiming for, I think. That sweet sweet sixth place.  We are talking about having a trophy set up for Sixth place in MLS called the Major League Soccer Trophy Of Mediocrity, but we don't want to get ahead of our self. I still think we will make it, though."

The Nutmeg News will have more from "The Battle For Sixth Place" when we release our narrative Ken Burns style documentary on the fight.