Fort Wayne, IN - One year old toddler Jay Graham doesn't yet realize how stupid he is for liking soccer as he still revels in enjoying the game with his dad.
"I'll admit it, I haven't prepared him for the soul crushing elements of soccer," said Jay's father Anthony. "I really need to spend more time preparing him for the parts of the game that reduce you to a heaving husk of emotion simply looking for any reason to vent your palpable rage tinted frustration into the cool air after your team gives up a 2 goal lead."
Anthony Graham admits that his son enjoys life and soccer entirely too much to be one year old.
"It concerns me, what with his happy-go-lucky attitude, that we are setting him up for an inevitable depression when he realizes how shit his soccer team is and how terrible every single league is to fans. Right now he just likes the flashing color pictures, but wait til he realizes that the flashing color pictures is the culmination of a massive dump that your team has been taking on your chest for the past 9 months as we slowly slip out of any kind of meaningful contention into the miasma of bullshit that pervades our teams very existence. My son has yet to realize how futile the abject involvement of being a fan in the stands can be when your team miserably concedes another goal against the run of play.
He hasn't realized, yet, that every single league and team in the United States and Canada is an unmitigated dumpster fire run and owned by some of the worst stewards the game has ever seen. He hasn't even experienced the soul crushing loss of his team to another city while other people tell him to shut up.
On one hand I hope he never cheers for a team in the United States, but God in heaven help him if he ends up being a Aston Villa fan, like me. We are all going to hell, Jay. We are all going to hell."
When asked whether Jay has shown an interest in any North American teams, Anthony admitted that he has begun to scream in delight when Chicago Fire games are played. "This one-year-old is going straight to hell on an express train of clinical depression and he doesn't even know it yet. Just look at him with his cute little smile and fat little face. YOUR TEAM BURNS IN THE FIRES OF OWNERSHIP INCOMPETENCE AND PURE UNADULTERATED IDIOCY."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jay enters clinical depression at 18 months.