ZURICH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced a massive 200 million Euro private donation of his own money to the Swiss Attorney General's Office after the Swiss authorities opened criminal proceedings against the President of FIFA on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as suspicion of misappropriation.
The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Blatter about the donation and he had the following to say, "This is just my way of showing that regardless of the faulty charges lobbed against me by the intellectuals and morally bankrupt west, that I still love our local government. I'm hoping that all my charitable *cough* donations over the years will mask my reckless financial misappropriation so that the attorney general will see fit to drop all the charges against me."
When asked whether or not he considers his donation a bribe, Blatter stated, "My good boy, don't you understand that I'm merely giving them hundreds of millions of Euros with no intention of receiving anything in return. There's absolutely nothing untoward about donating hundreds of millions of euros to someone and just waiting for the generosity of the world to extricate you from this situation. It's like when we built my fortress on the hill above Berchtesgaden, but... well.. you wouldn't know about that."
The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter as he turns slowly like a roast pig at a luau.