Soccer Legend Pele To Offer A Once In A Lifetime Opportunity

Miami, FL - Pele, the greatest soccer pitchman of all time, in conjunction with Subway Sports and Soccer Marketing and Promotions, will be hosting a once-in-a-lifetime, two-day weekend father and son/daughter subway pitchman camp. The event will be held in Miami, Florida on Saturday, November 21 and Sunday, November 22, 2016 at the Florida International Tastemaking and Ovenbaked University stadium. Participants will have the opportunity to meet one of the world's greatest shills in person.

I once scored 8 goals in a game for Polk High.

Pele will be giving his personal Subway pitchman instructions and advice as part of the camp curriculum. The dream camp has limited space available and is on a first come basis, just like Subway, so also expect that double meat and double cheese will cost you extra.

Jose Sotolongo, Executive Director of the Miami-Dade Sports Commission, said: "It is an honor to have the king of subway choose our community to host such a unique an special event. I'm sure people will attend from all over the world and what better place to host such an event than Miami-Dade where we have a Subway on every street corner and a visible decline in Jared Fogle ads after that horrible business."

Subway Tom Mulray, a South Florida Subway staple and the President of SM&P, will be the master of ceremonies and your sandwich artist today. "It was a dream to pitch Subway with Pele as a professional sandwich artist for the Miami franchise back in 1976 when he awarded me with his Subway sandwich knife after our shift by Yankee Stadium" Mulroy said. "Now, nearly 40 years later, it's still an honor to be on the Subway pitch with Pele, the king of Subway. What an opportunity for Subway fans to meet him in person! I'm super excited I can't wait. And neither should you if you want to try our new Grilled options and upgrade to triple meat at the double meat price. IT IS A MEATGASM!"

Pele reportedly stated, "Kids, you've heard it said that you better eat your Wheaties. That's great if you want to play baskeball. But for footy you need to eat your Subway. You need to eat fresh. And practice your cross overs for hours a day every day since you were a child.  And be sure to get a side of chips. And maybe a nice cold Mountain Dew. And add some double meat to that subway. And get an additional side of chips... you are in training after all"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

Decision Day Looms As Fans Will Decide Whether They Watch Another MLS Game

With Major League Soccer branding their idea of drama called "Decision Day", fans across the league admit that the upcoming weekend will be their day to decide if that is the last Major League Soccer game they watch this season.

I am NOT watching an empty stadium in Dallas.

"I don't want to watch the playoffs, and I'm not going to watch any team other than Seattle... so if they don't make the playoffs.... I'm out." said Jennifer Goodison of Enumclaw, WA.

"I'm only here to watch my team" said Gareth Youngsblood of Worcester, MA "If the Revolution don't make the MLS Playoffs, then why would I want to watch a bunch of other teams hopelessly punting the ball down the field. I've got better things to do, like LARPing with Travelers of Ki'Mara."

With many MLS fans not a fan of the league or the other teams within, Decision Day is turning into Major League Soccer's announcement of the end of their ratings period and the beginning of the "Oh I forgot that the playoffs were on" period which culminates in MLS Cup which is being held on some date in the distant future, probably in 2016.

"Whats the point" said Kansas City fan Hugh Emery. "If we don't make the playoffs I'm not tuning in to watch a failing Vancouver side screw around with the ball until they get a counter attack goal scored against them. I hope that SKC makes it for MLS sake, because I have holiday parties to attend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on DECISION DAY as the DAY OF DECISION descends upon us all.

Worst Team In Major League Soccer Rewarded

CHICAGO - The worst team during the 2015 Major League Soccer season has been rewarded for their 34 game quest to alienate the most fans and shit the bed.

ONWARD: To the glory and benefits of last place!

The Chicago Fire announced on Monday that they won the rights to the number one pick in the draft and the ability to say, "Yes, we really really sucked" during the 2015 season.

Fire owner Andrew Hauptman spoke on Monday at the press conference, "We really attempted to be awful this year because it would give us a number draft pick, a chance at players like Joshua Yaro, and our yearly bonus of allocation money given to us by the league for being a god damned embarrassment." 

Reportedly, the Philadelphia Union front office was devastated by this realization stating, "We tried everything... EVERYTHING to be the worst, but somehow we weren't even good enough at being bad enough to get the best reward! I don't know what it says about our team and league that we were so bad that we were good enough to not be bad enough to be rewarded the most for being awful. However, we apologize to all  the Union fans out there that we didn't suck enough over the season. 

It is just heartbreaking.... I mean that goal... that simple goal... we could have let in a goal... that would have just saved another point from being accumulated. We tried.... we really tried.... tell us that we were bad enough, tell us that we could be the worst, IT is just HEARTBREAKING."

The Nutmeg News will have more information as the Chicago Fire are awarded the wooden spoon and hundreds of thousands of dollars in total benefits for finishing dead last.

Man Celebrates Win By Bashing Fellow Fans On Twitter

WASHINGTON - DC United fan, Derek Thurston, took to twitter after United's 4-0 victory over the Chicago Fire to celebrate by telling all of his fellow fans that they are horrible, non-believing fans who don't deserve to follow his soccer team.

YOU FAKE FANS! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO CELEBRATE A WIN. I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT BELIEVES. I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT DESERVES THIS WIN.

"I tweeted out, 'where's all the non believers and haters now?!' and then I spent the rest of the day finding all the people who shit talked DC United over the last week and tweeting at them directly to go to hell and to let them know that they are really fake fans" said Thurston.

Mr. Thurston admitted that his method of celebration is toxic, at best, and that his behavior is best associated with the pejorative, asshole. However, as Mr. Thurston put it, "All those fans are fake ass believers. I'm the only person who knows how to support through thick and thin. I went back and made sure that every person who said any critical thing about Ben Olsen or the team in the last week was notified that they are a fake ass fan, and that they should just shut up about the team or stop being a fan. The only way to be a fan is the way that I am and that is 100% acceptance of everything that the team puts out at all time, treating every press release as though it is a missive from God himself. God in this particular case being Ben Olsen. Praise be to Olsen. Death to the unbelievers."

Mr. Thurston wanted to make sure that his fellow fans and friends knew that he was the only one who supported the team this week and ensured that this was the case by re-posting all of his twitter messages to Facebook. 

"All of social media will know. No one should care about that 4-0 win. The first thing you should think about after that win is me and how much I care, because I care a lot."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Thurston as his ego grows.

Last Man On Earth Who Believes FIFA Isn't Corrupt, Found

DJIBOUTI - The last man on earth who believes that FIFA isn't corrupt was found in Djibouti on Friday morning after an exhaustive search. Shihāb al-Dīn was the man identified by friends as the last man in the world that believes that FIFA isn't an international money laundering organization dedicated to making wealthy men more money.

Shihāb seen here with friends who think he is just really naive about this whole FIFA thing.

"He just thinks they are here to put on football tournaments" said friend Mohammed al-Said. "HE doesn't understand that FIFA is very corrupt. We try to tell him this all the time, but at some point it is important to just let a man have his beliefs."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr al-Dīn about his thoughts on FIFA and he had the following to say, "They are, of course, the ones that we should have our trust in. If we cannot trust Sepp Blatter and Pantini, who can we trust? There is no possibility that the organization is just one giant ponzi scheme dedicated to bilking profits out of companies and countries alike to enrich the pockets of people from Europe. We have all heard about the stadiums that FIFA has built in places like Brazil."

Seriously available to rent for weddings and children's parties. 

Mr al-Dīn's friends continue to say, "He will understand at some point. With nearly all of the World Cup's being bought by home countries, the bidding process being a giant scam, the hosting countries losing billions of dollars in corruption and kick backs to corrupt businesses and government officials, and FIFA accepting bribes from places like Qatar to host the world cup, it will become inevitable that Shihāb will lose his innocence and then every person in the world will understand that FIFA is a never ending rat hole of corruption, scandal, bribery and terrible people, regardless of who runs the organization."

The Nutmeg News will report on this more when Mr al-Dīn realizes that FIFA cannot be saved.

Completely Out Of Ideas, Orlando City Go With "B" For Their USL Team Name

Orlando, FL - Announcing they were completely out of ideas for naming a team, the Orlando City SC front office said "ah, fuck it..... we will go with B" for the naming of their USL development team on Thursday morning.

The Front Office released a statement saying, "We tried. We really tried. We work-shopped things for at least an hour on Wednesday night, but Jeff got tired and Carla had to go home and we just said 'who wants to stay around and pick a name? OR.....OR who wants to go drink sangria and throw donuts at tourists leaving Disney World?' We ended up doing the second option and had a lot more fun. Plus, who gives a shit about names anyway. When the USL explodes into the sun and we all have to individually finance the league we will just rename the club the Orlando Aztex."

While the apathetic naming of the club from the Front Office may be obvious, the fans were thrilled.

"I'm a B Team fan!" screamed Jefferson Valenzuela. "I love to be part of the A team. At some point I hope to root for the A team. But right now I'm just going to be a B team fan."

Raul Announces, "I'm Retiring From The Sport And The Cosmos To Play In MLS"

SOMEWHERE ON LONG ISLAND - New York Cosmos forward Raul Gonzalez informed the world Thursday that he will retire at the end of the North American Soccer League season in November to greener pastures in Major League Soccer. 

"I can't wait to play for money." - Raul

"It's not an easy moment, but I think it's the right moment to say goodbye," Raul said on Thursday. "I need to retire from the sport so that I can finish my career on the bench for the Los Angeles Galaxy."

The former Spanish international and Real Madrid legend signed a two-year deal with the Cosmos in October 2014. 

Raul stated, "There comes a time when you realize you are done with the sport and at that time it is important to milk your fame and stature for one final swing in North America with a league willing to pay you purely because people remember your name. I'm happy to accept the money they will give me and look forward to cashing the paychecks and laying out on the beach."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Raul's retirement to Major League Soccer as he comes up with a hamstring strain that just wont heal without significant time spent on the beaches in Malibu.

Don Garber Admits, "I Wasn't Hacked. Some Of You Need To Lose Weight"

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), Don Garber, admitted that his recent tweet of "Lose 20lbs or more of fat off your body in under 2-weeks" was not an accident or the result of his account being hacked. The commissioner stated in a press conference on Thursday morning, "Some of you need to lose weight."

Don Garber's first job as Airport control Manager.

Commissioner Garber continued, "I've been looking at pictures of supporters groups and fans in this league, and there are some people out there that could use Herbalife's new shake and nutrient system that will overload your metabolism and turn your innards into a liquefied goo that you ritualistically poop out to shed the pounds." 

While it was put to Commissioner Garber that this might be insensitive for a portion of the soccer fan base, Mr Garber stated, "If we want to be the best league, we should also be the fittest league. Starting at all Major League Soccer games we will have a group calisthenics exercise for 90 minutes before the game begins. If you don't attend this you don't get to watch the match. We will also do meditative yoga and interpretive painting. There will be a light tea with a detoxifying colon cleanse followed by a barium enema. At this point then we will administer the Herbalife via IV, Oral ingestion and Herbalife's new timed release suppository. We will all be golden golds with rippling abdominal muscles, glistening sternocleidomastoid muscles, verdant rhomboid muscles, moist serratus anterior muscles bulging with creatine, and long flowing hair. We will be also conducting Scentsy sign ups after all MLS games and I suspect that some of you will like my Alan Gordon dispenser combined with our new Pumpkin Harvest blend!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this from Major League Soccer corporate when we finish our 20 week on-boarding process for the partnership with Avon. Would you like to have an Avon party at your house? How about at our house? How about at Red Bull Arena? Lets have one at the Red Bull Arena! You can call Karen and Steve. You know them better than I do! Well, of course, I mean it might be awkward there but they seem to have stayed friends since the divorce. They might buy something just to compete with each other. 

Well, I don't know about their dog, but I'm sure it will be fine at the party.

Yes, I absolutely think you should call Fred. He would love some Herbalife and Avon. You know what? Let's create a facebook group for this whole thing and spam all your friends! Yeah! The more the merrier! They don't have to buy a thing, not a single thing. Do you have a way to create an E-Card? Do people even USE e-cards anymore? Let's just invite everyone. Oh you have your work email list from 10 years ago that contain the email address of 1200 people that you don't know? Let's just sign them all up and send an e-vite to their mailbox, they will love this! Who doesn't want to get in on the groundfloor of an opportunity to purchase and sell MLS themed Avon and Herbalife products!

The Nihilist View Of the USL Championship: The Trudge Towards Irrelevancy

LOS ANGELES - Local nihilist and all around non-provocateur Jayson Samuelson has reportedly given his view on the upcoming United Soccer League (USL) Championship between LA Galaxy II and the Rochester Rhinos.

One man's synopsis on the USL season.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Samuelson at his co-op housing he shares with five other roommates as he welcomed our reporter with a lipstick stained coffee mug filled with cold Lipton tea. Mr Samuelson was playing Bauhaus over his JVC record player system until we asked him to turn down the music for the purpose of transcribing his words correctly.

"It is a trudge towards irrelevancy" claimed Samuelson to our reporter.

"There's no point to it anymore, there's no point to the competition, to the cup, to anything. It's the championship of nothing. Your team becomes the king of nothing. With secondary Major League Soccer (MLS) teams in the mix, it is the cup of second champions, the cup of nothing to no one"  he said as he flicked his American Spirit cigarette into his Jesus and Mary Chain coffee cup.

"It's all about Beckham and money and celebrity and whoring yourself out for the dollar now." said Samuelson as he pointed next to a yellowed KMFDM poster to a vandalized picture of David Beckham altered to have his eyes cut out with the former Galaxy player wearing makeup from The Crow. "If the league is won by a team that is nothing, with no fanbase, then the cup itself is nothing, much like everything is nothing as we slowly slide towards nothingness. As Skinny Puppy says, 'it's the fear so unclear man in motion going nowhere.' That's where we are, man."

While Mr Samuelson's projection for the United Soccer League is bleak, he also holds out no hope for the game itself. "I predict it will be disastrous. A game of fury signifying terrible play, horrible players and the will to live slowly petering out while an impotent fire spreads across the ashes of the season left to be scattered by the wind into a slow disappointing spiral. I also think there is a chance that Los Angeles Galaxy II are going to come out and try to sit back while pressing through the middle to funnel the action out to the outside with André Auras trying to draw fouls outside the box and utilizing his free kick skills. Trent put it best on his 1992 Broken EP, 'stick my hands through the cage of this endless routine just some flesh caught in this big broken machine.' Yeah, It is just that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the endless void of nothingness that envelopes us all as we careen headfirst into the trudge towards irrelevancy, or something.

Delaware Man Wears Black Rimmed Glasses More Often In Order To Understand Gegenpressing

Wilmington, DE - A local Delaware man decided to wear black rimmed glasses more often in order to understand the tactical idea of Gegenpressing, it was reported.

"Yes, Bill, I feel like I'm already starting to understand the idea of counter pressing and it has only been 30 minutes!"

Roger Harris, a Wilmington lawyer, is free of any kind of major eye issue and yet donned the black frame glasses this morning in an effort to fully immerse himself in the Jurgen Klopp espoused idea while simultaneously hoping to impress that "totally cute girl that works at Joe's Crab Shack on Justison St"

"I feel like wearing these things really connects me with the world of tactical football" said a late to work but feeling fine with his Pumpkin Spiced Latte Roger Harris. "It's amazing how simple eye-wear can focus you on understanding the efforts of the regista in combination with fullbacks to attack the ball. It is like suddenly I have the answer with regards to the struggles of the United States men's team and all the club teams in the world with the outlook I have now."

While the glasses have given Mr Harris a new lease on life from a tactical perspective he says that he isn't taking it for granted, "I'm planning on coaching my nephew's soccer team now. Mind you, I've never even played on a rec league team and my tactical knowledge comes from watching games over the last year and putting on these glasses, but I think a well dressed man with black rimmed glasses will do well as a coach for my nephew's team. Plus the only other person available is a man who told the kids to 'hit someone' during the last drill, so I couldn't be worse than that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Roger Harris and his black rimmed glasses as he gets an MLS assistant coaching job with the Chicago Fire.

Bandwagon Fans Unsure Where To Turn Now That Club Tijuana Suck

Tijuana, MX - Bandwagon fans of Club Tijuana Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente (AKA: Xolos) are quickly abandoning ship as the team plummets towards the bottom of the Liga MX table.

BOW BEFORE ME, MY MINIONS.

"I picked them because they were in a league with promotion and relegation and now they might be relegated" said David Waterman of Boerne, Texas. "How on earth am I going to support this team in the second league or segundo or whatever the hell Mexico calls their Championship level league"

Reports indicate that many like minded Americans picked Tijuana during their barnstorming win to the Liga MX Aperatura title in 2012 and their Copa Libertadores play. 

"We didn't know this was coming" said Jonas Redding of Baltimore, MD "I've had to stay up late to watch Xolos games for the last two or three years and now I'm looking for another team to support. I didn't leave Dortmund for this! Goddammit, I'm not going back to Ben Olsen and DC United again."

"After they sold Herc, I was off that bandwagon anyway" said William Smith of Traverse City, MI. "I only support the clubs the USMNT players play upon, and with Joe Corona loaned out and Herc gone, I abandoned that team like a loose paper tissue. I'm not here to support the three guys left on the team that are scrubs likely not good enough to get a call up to the senior team. Unless they do, in which case I'm going to have some opinions on Esteban Rodriguez. Given that all I have left is Michael Orozco, I'm going to start following Sunderland now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation when Tijuana start playing well again and everyone jumps back on the bandwagon.

Houston Dynamo Fan Tortured By The Knowledge That "We Are 16 Not Given Penalty Kicks Away From First"

Houston, TX - Dynamo fan Ralph Westbrook admitted to his friends that he was tortured by the knowledge that, "We Are 16 Not Given Penalty Kicks Away From First".

We just really wanted to use this picture for some reason. There's so much going on here.

Mr. Westbrook stated, "If we hadn't lost 13 times we would have won some of those games. If you convert 13 losses into wins we would be winning the supporters shield! Think about that!? There were a number of times throughout the season where we should have earned a penalty kick. If we got just one or two penalty kicks that would change the game and we wouldn't have lost 13 times. We should be winning the league, clearly. We are just a disadvantaged and unlucky team that lost through a variety of reasons."

While some would consider it faulty logic to say that all you had to do was not do what you did all season long, Mr. Westbrook continued, "Think about some of those games. All we had to do was not give up that Kevin Doyle goal against Colorado and not give up that penalty and we would WIN that game! Have you ever thought of that? It was two poor decisions by the referee and a complete freak accident that Doyle scored. The whole thing was bullshit anyway.

Or how about that Alan Gordon headed goal that made us lose 1-0. That was crap too. We should have the win when Garcia nearly chipped the ball into Will. That was just some more bad luck. If those two losses were wins, and we had acquired Drobga, and our defense didn't give up  45 goals we would be in first place. I'll take that even further. If LA didn't hire Bruce Arena, and we hadn't given up on Dom Kinnear and we acquired Lionel Messi when he was a youth and Landon Donovan and Pele, we would be #1 in the universe. Did you ever think of that? No? The Dynamo are just a victim of a massive fraud in the league. All we needed this season was to not lose 13 times and get 16 penalty kicks."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Westbrook when he comes back to reality and realizes that the record shows what your team is, not what you want them to be by spinning results that already happened.

United States Fans Ask For New Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

After the disappointing loss to Mexico in extra time, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Jonathan Bornstein and Fabian Johnson players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to a unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Jurgen Klinsmann, who is by all reports of fans a dishonest and untrustworthy German that you wouldn't leave alone with your mother.

"It's Klinsmann's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions."

Never gets any blame. Deflector shields UP!

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Klinsmann out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the world cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

FC Dallas Announce Proposed Name Change to FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew

Dallas, TX - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Football Club Dallas announced that they are considering a name change to come in line with a new MLS mandate requiring more corporate sponsorship in the league. The new name for FC Dallas will be "FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew".

Just like what Clark Hunt says about the players, this is also a little hard to swallow.

"This fits the new league mandate of sponsoring everything at all times," said owner Clark Hunt. "We are required to sell a number of different club opportunities to different corporate entities until we are covered in advertisements for Massengill and Erectile Dysfunction pills like a NASCAR race team."

Mr Hunt went on to talk about the emerging branding opportunity that will exist for the medical staff on the field. "We know that Mountain Dew has had a 'Dew Crew' for some of their NASCAR pit teams, but we also want to bring this to our club. We will have the CODE RED Dew Crew that consists of our field medical staff and they will allow us to talk about the delicious taste of Mountain Dew Code Red when they go out to treat a compound fracture on the field. It's going to be GREAT!"

Like this, but for a player that is screaming in agony because he just separated the muscles of his hamstring.

Mr Hunt said that the only time that the proposed name change could cause difficulty is for the announcers should FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew make the playoffs.

"Indeed, it could be a problem if the Audi 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs are won by FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew, but they aren't competing sponsors. The title would just be a bit of a mouthful."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Audi 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs kick off between FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew and the Microsoft X-BOX Halo 5: Guardians Seattle Sounders.

Don Garber Announces Promotion And Relegation Among The Press Corps

NEW YORK - Don Garber announced Monday that he would be instituting the ideals of promotion and relegation among the press corps that covers Major League Soccer.

My finger pyramid gives me the ability to call  out HOVA as well as show my all encompassing feeling of master of the universe.

"We feel like the time has come for promotion and relegation as it pertains to our reporters. Having said that we should acknowledge the hard work of fans the entire nation over, including our 51st state of Canada, that made this happen." said Garber before a sparsely attended press conference at the Red Lobster in Times Square.

"Starting next year in January, all the people who report on our league will be arranged into four different divisions. Access to teams and to the league front office will be granted based on the number of ass-kissing, obtuse articles that you write where you challenge nothing about the league structure and instead just toe the company line repeatedly. If you perform this job well enough at your local level you will be given the beat for your region. Perform well enough with your region and you will be promoted to national. Perform well enough with the national beat and you could see yourself promoted to the Premier league of MLS level reporting. That is doing commentary on US Soccer Federation games, international friendlies, and any Major League Soccer game that you want to cover while writing pithy twitter commentary on airplanes to desperate fans who just want to see their name mentioned in your twitter feed."

Garber stated that reporters who fulfill their end of the bargain in promoting the league without asking too many questions about the league structure or the finances within will be promoted and relegated between these divisions.

"We aren't looking for the next Bob Woodward, we are looking for the next Bill O'Reilly. We want someone who can shape the debate about the league in a way that flatters us and minimizes fan complaints to the description of a noisy minority."

The Nutmeg News will have as much news on this as Major League Soccer releases, which is likely going to be a press release that is already invalidated by an internal meeting that was held but not reported on until July of 2016 where we find that all of this wasn't actually true.

Disgrunted Supporter Shows Front Office A Thing Or Two

CHICAGO - Having watched his team play and be managed well below what he considers an acceptable level of soccer, Travis Alabaster decided to take out his frustration and anger on the teams front office when asked to renew his season tickets.

I'm going to pay for my ticket but I'm going to really complain about doing so.

"I sure showed the front office a thing or two." Alabaster says, "I got an email from the Fire front office asking me if I wanted to renew my season tickets. I knew they were probably pretty anxious to see what kind of renewal rate they were going to have, so I marked the email as unread and left it in my inbox for a few days."

Just minutes before receiving the email, Alabaster had been ranting on Twitter about how crummy the team was being managed and how it just wasn't worth going to the games anymore. "It's ridiculous. No one seems to be invested emotionally anymore, just financially. Well, I wasn't about to break. I waited until the last day before I had to renew before logging into the system. Even then I put the season ticket renewal in my shopping cart and left it there.  I am making my voice heard and I know they are hearing it loud and clear."

We talked with the Chicago Fire's season ticket manager Dick Laurent who informed us that the entire system is automated and that they actually don't collect any metrics regarding ticket renewal until after the season is over. "Whatever kind of personal protest he was making had no impact on us at all, financially or otherwise. His little tantrum was as ineffective as Yallop's ability to bring our team to the playoffs."

We spoke with Alabaster and let him know about Laurent's response to his actions. "Well. Ugh. God. Whatever. Fine." After making a few comments that we were unable to make out, he then spun around in his computer chair and logged into the season ticket renewal site and opened up the shopping cart.  He then proceeded to enter his information but paused before finalizing the transaction.

"Hey, get your camera over here. Check this out. I'm going to click the button but I'm going to do it with my middle finger when I do. Go back and tell them that I did this."

Post ticket purchase realization that Hauptman is still in charge.

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Fire ticket manager Dick Laurent said, "I knew that spineless prick would cave" after Mr Alabaster's purchase went through.

Zlatan Confesses, "Zlatan's Ghostwriter Made Contact With Orlando City, Not Zlatan"

Orlando, FL - After being linked to Orglando City Soccer Club, Swedish International and man most likely to score a goal that you will show your ambivalent about soccer parents Zlatan Ibrahimovic admitted that his Ghostwriter made contact with Orlando City, not him.

"Yes, I admit it. My ghostwriter was the one who made contact. We needed more material for a new book so I told him to try to arrange a transfer for himself as me to Orlando City to see what it is like to be Zlatan." said Zlatan

I AM ZLATAN...................................................................s Ghostwriter. 

Reportedly, Zlatan's ghostwriter, who invented quotes in Mr Ibrahimovic's spellbinding biography, contacted Orlando City as Zlatan to explore the idea of a transfer in 2016.

"They were very very excited" said Mr Lagercrantz. "I was able to fully experience what Zlatan would experience if he wanted to go play in Orlando City for some reason. Zlatan said that I should actually follow through with the whole transfer and show up to the unveiling and signing as well. However, I wasn't sure if that would be wise."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Ibrahimovic about this and he stated the following, "There is only one Zlatan. In some cases a man chooses to make himself Zlatan. However the mask is pulled off you must realize there is only one Zlatan.  All faces are Zlatan to Zlatan, but there is only one face that is Zlatan."

Orlando City reportedly is very embarrassed by this turn of events and has called Major League Soccer to request redress. Reportedly, they were given the rights to Chicharito Hernandez, a 24 case of Doritos Cool Ranch chips and 30 dollars deposited into their Draft Kings account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan commands us. 

TELL US OF YOUR WILL, O HOLY ONE. GIVE US YOUR BIDDING, KING ZLATAN.

Rec League Roundup: Unrealistic Expectations Placed On Poor Bastard That Picked #9 Kit

Louisville, KY - Members of the Greater Louisville Soccer League reportedly heaped large amounts of unrealistic expectations on Frederic Hahn after he picked the #9 kit out of the cardboard box on the ground by the pick-nick table during his teams first practice.

Run, you poor bastard!

"He better be able to play, score goals, run the channels, pass the ball efficiently and finish" said head coach Dale Roberts. "You don't grab that number unless you are good. It's the truth. Like wearing flashy boots was the sign that you were a good player, then it was the sign that you were a nob with too much money, then it was the sign that you were an average player, and then a person with all black cleats was the person you had to be afraid of. It's all cyclical."

Hahn reportedly had no idea what he was getting into after attending this practice due to friend John Mulaney recommending that rec league soccer was a great way to meet friends.

"I've never played a game before in my life and this was the only jersey they had left in my size" said a bewildered Hahn as he was lined up in the middle to practice his headers on corner kicks. "What am I supposed to do!?"

Other members of his team including Julia Gustoffson and Mohammed Buland said, "His first name is Frederic, I think he is European. Why else would he select the #9 kit? He knows how to play, so lets put him up top and have him run his ass off. We expect goals."

Hahn was reportedly found out as an inexperienced amateur two minutes into the first game and received notable comments of "I thought you knew what you were doing" before offering to give back the kit which only made it worse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hahn sits on the sideline for two full games hoping to get subbed into the match without realizing he just needs to call his turn.

MLS Winter Schedule Advocate Reveals Vested Scarf Interests

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan and MLS Winter Schedule Advocate Thomas Zubez has admitted that he has been such a strong advocate for changing the schedule because, as he states, "I don't want to look like a twat by wearing my scarf during 90 degree weather anymore".

No need to burn 'em. They will likely suffer spontaneous combustion from swaddling themselves in scarves in 99 degree weather.

Mr. Zubez admitted that his long standing campaign for a Major League Soccer winter schedule is born out of his love of fashion, his desire to warm his throat and lower face area, his extensive scarf collection, and his investment into several high dollar and very rare vintage scarves. 

"I gotta get my kid in college, and there's no way I'm going to do this unless the demand for vintage scarves is coupled with the need to wear scarves. I need peak scarf financial conditions. If the weather is more snow and ice than sun tans and tank tops, the need to wear a scarf will increase the value. Also, I'm tired of buying a scarf to hang it on my wall. If the weather is 99 degrees on a road trip, whats the point of suffering through a game by wearing wool around your neck? During a winter schedule it would be cool enough at most locations to even wear two scarves. Just imagine the possibilities. Suddenly that 70 scarf guy with the Union wouldn't look like such a dick, he would just look appropriately warm given the conditions."

While Mr Zubez's motives are mostly selfish, he also feels very passionate about his mission to save North American soccer supporters as he stated, "We could stop being that syncopated army of sweaty twats marching together in 100 degree heat with our woolen neck warmers setting our jugular ablaze, and start becoming that cool group of people that wears clothes and accessories conducive to our weather. Imagine that. Also, I'm starting a personal line of scarves, so I'll have a kickstarter available if anyone is interested in making a donation."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Zubez unveils a really horrible design from MS Paint for his personally designed scarf collection.

TNN Staff Writers Tired Of Coming Up With Sepp Blatter Stories

INTERNET - The Nutmeg News staff writers have reportedly rebelled against coming up with any more Sepp Blatter stories in light of the human parasite being in the news again recently.

"I'm not writing another word til that dickbag is in jail" said The Nutmeg News junior writer and soon to be unemployed pizza delivery guy with a masters degree from Phoenix University, Dale Crambrook. "I'm tired of it. I'm really really tired of it all," He said as he cleaned out his desk.

Artists Rendition of Sepp Blatter

"I can't do it anymore!" said junior writer and champion ski-ball player Elise Heathrington "It's too much, at some point he goes to jail or dies or something right? It's the same story all the time! I can't keep reinventing the wheel, you know. I'm already working on a two stories for tomorrow, editing this story and contacting some voice actors about another potential installation of the Sixth Place War. This Sepp stuff has got to stop."

The Nutmeg News interviewed some of the senior editors about Sepp Blatter and they had the following to say, "What. A. Dick. Now come up with something funny about this and it BETTER BE ORIGINAL YOU SCUM!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish hiring a new junior writer to replace the recently disgraced Mr Crambrook.