Tampa Man Thanks Liverpool FC For Last 2 Years As European Champion Fan Moves Support To Chelsea

Tampa, FL - Tampa man Howard Norman thanked Liverpool FC and their fans for the last two years as the European Champion fan announced his permanent transfer to Chelsea FC in order to follow the career of Christian Pulisic.

“These last few years with Liverpool have been fantastic,” stated Norman in his letter to the fans on his Twitter account. “However, it is time for me to make a move that I feel will be better for my fan career.”

In an interview with himself via a bunch of questions and answers posted to his Facebook page, Norman indicated that he felt like his time with Liverpool was at an end as the team won the Champions League this season.

“It’s been a tough but successful last two years,” stated Norman. “I feel that with the Champions League victory that now is the time for me to really explore my love for Christian Pulisic and all things Pulisic as a blue for 2019/2020. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Liverpool so I plan on giving away all of my fan gear on my e-bay page at 5% off if you purchase two items.”

For their part, the Liverpool fans world wide are handling the departure of Norman with great aplomb as they repeatedly asked, “who,” when we interviewed them for this article.

“I’m proud to be a blue this year and I’m proud to be on the Chelsea bandwagon! Up the mighty fightin Pulisics!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Norman is instantaneously an expert on the transfer restrictions that Chelsea has in place.

Team Loses Despite Supporters Best Attempt At Singing All Game

Portland, OR - Despite Timbers supporter Bethany Sharp’s best attempt at singing all game,, the Portland Timbers still lost on Saturday to Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) 3-2.

“I thought that I would have more of an impact on the game,” stated a vocally hoarse Sharp to The Nutmeg News. “Hell, I thought that WE would have more of an impact on the game.”

Sharp stated that she watched as the Timbers gave up two goals in the first half of the game despite her shredding her vocal chords after a season of inactivity.

“I encouraged everyone around me to sing,” stated Sharp. “I spent almost the whole match singing. I waved a flag. I’m not certain there is anything more that I could do. I spent most of the game trying to figure out what else I could do, and I don’t think there’s anything else.”

For comparisons sake, TNN reporters spoke to LAFC fan Sandra Flores who stated that she was ecstatic that her singing all game brought LAFC to victory as she exclaimed, “There was a moment where I was worried, but they clearly heard us and me specifically on the field. If it wasn’t for us, the team would’ve lost..”

For her part, Sharp stated that she would just try to be more vigorous in her flag waving and singing during the next game.

“Clearly we just need to go 1% more in order to get a victory. I might even sacrifice an animal like they used to do in the Old Testament.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sharp places a craigslist ad for a live goat and Flores celebrates the victory by proclaiming on Twitter that, “WE WON IN PORTLAND. AND SHOWED THEM WHAT’S UP”.

Unable To Win CONCACAF Champions League, MLS Teams Look To Leagues Cup

Unable to win the CONCACAF Champions League, many Major League Soccer (MLS) teams admit they are looking to the newly formed Leagues Cup as a bid towards international relevancy.

“Winning the Leagues Cup will really ensure that people know that our best teams can take on individually selected teams from Mexico playing away from home with a weakened roster in a single elimination knock out round competition,” stated one MLS executive.

“Just imagine if Cruz Azul had to play in front of 20,000 people at 4,500 feet of elevation,” stated on Real Salt Lake insider. “They are lucky they were drawn on the other side of the bracket. Teams like Cruz Azul and Tigres are just going to be out of their comfort zone playing in these types of environments.

Nutmeg News reporters spoke to MLS Commissioner Don Garber who stated, “This eventual Leagues Cup victory will show the world that teams from the United States can stand shoulder to shoulder with the giants of the game like Barcelona or Real Madrid or Tigres. This victory will really show which league is the Champion of the CONCACAF region without being the CONCACAF Champion because we know that tournament is rigged. We expect that the Leagues Cup will become the Leagues Cup Of Choice in just a matter of six months and with the eventual victory we will see an uptick of interest in the league in the United States and that other country that has teams in this league.”

Sources with the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) indicated their level of excitement with the upcoming tournament when asked about the newly created tournament.

“We’ve been asking for clarity with the fan conduct rules, advocating for a fair treatment for away and home supporters, trying to fight against the incursion of hate groups into the league, lobbying for increased transparency as it relates to the league structure and rules, and looking into the escalating price for supporters at games so we are entirely THRILLED to have another redundant, expensive mid-season tournament created from thin air that will require the participation of the paper thin squads in Major League Soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the final features two Mexican teams.

Soccer Fan With Collection Of Supporters Group Stickers Still Waiting For Perfect Place To Use Them

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy fan and Angel City Brigade member Javier Gutierrez admitted that despite his extensive collection of supporters group stickers that he is still waiting for the perfect place to use them as his collection grows with each passing week.

“I’ve been getting stickers for five or six years,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “I haven’t found the right place to use them, yet. Every spot looks great, but then… if I think about it… I’m not sure I want to use a sticker there.”

Gutierrez indicated that he thought about using some on his car, but he wanted to avoid getting it vandalized by opposition fans. He then indicated he thought about putting them on his computer, but no one would ever see that and it does get dirty there on the floor.

“I thought about putting some on my girlfriends car, but she doesn’t really care about ACB. I thought I’d use them when I traveled for a game, but I just can’t afford to go anywhere right now. I thought about putting some on my thermos, but I don’t know…. I just didn’t want to cover it up.”

Gutierrez stated that since he hasn’t used any of the stickers he’s received recently that his collection has started to pile up.

“Yeah, I got a whole drawer full, now. It’s crazy. Nearly every time someone is handing one to me or I’m buying one, or I just come home with some stickers. One of these days I’m going to find something that deserves to be tagged with all these stickers. My big problem is some of the stickers I thought were slick a few years ago are now something I wouldn’t put anywhere so I have these stickers that I used to like that I don’t like, but that I don’t want to use because I can’t get them again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez places one sticker on a notebook he has and feels immediately regretful about using that one there.


"Only A Billionaire I Know Nothing About Can Fix The Problems With Our Team This Other Billionaire Created," States Soccer Fan

LOS ANGELES - Newcastle United fan Sam Dewalt stated that he was simply fed up with the ownership of Mike Ashley as he exclaimed, “Only a billionaire I know nothing about can fix the problems with our team this other billionaire created.”

Dewalt, like most Americans, glorifies the acquisition of money over any other valuable in life as he stated, “You don’t end up being a billionaire without being smart and a good businessman, except for Mike Ashley.”

According to fellow Newcastle fans, Dewalt spent most of his week looking up other worldwide billionaires that expressed interest in English soccer teams as he attempted to ferret out who could fix the problems with the team that Ashely created.

“All it will take is someone with vast sums of money to purchase the team and for the new ownership to completely wipe out the debt and buy a boatload of great players” stated Dewalt. “We just need to find a really cash flush billionaire who can fix all our problems with one fell swoop.”

According to his Facebook page, Dewalt spent the last two months deriding Manchester City for purchasing the title while also advocating for the removal of Ashley and the appointment of literally anyone with any vast sum of money that would be interested in “Making Newcastle Great Again.”

“I said it once before during the 2016 elections and I’ll say it now. You can really trust a businessman who successfully runs a business and makes billions of dollars to altruistically look out for everyone else. All I’m asking is for some trickle down economics to pull Newcastle United up by their bootstraps.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dewalt continues to be an idiot.

Chicago Fire Desperately Exploring Every Possible Relaunch Situation Other Than Having An Ownership Group That Knows What It Is Doing

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire stated to reporters recently that they were exploring every possible relaunch situation with their franchise other than having an ownership group that knows what they are doing as they pushed forward to paying more money in relocation fees than most MLS teams will spend on a roster over 5 years.

“It’s gotta be the name and the stadium, not the fact that the General Manager and the Owner of the team seem to regard the fans as a nuisance.”

“Yeah, we are looking at a rename, a new mascot, new kits, new badge, new fans, new location, new … well… everything except for the ownership group that helped get us here in the first place,” stated one anonymous Fire employee. “Precourt….. er… sorry…. Hauptman really is all in on holding on with this strangulation death grip until this team hemorrhages money in every direction as they thrash about trying to recapture what they had in 1998.”

According to league representatives, every possible situation is on the table with the Fire except for Hauptman actually not being owner anymore as they try to figure out why the fans seem to not care.

“It’s got to be the stadium,” stated one league insider. “Not the fact that the ownership actually antagonized the fanbase repeatedly and had them removed from the stadium while insulting their intelligence and passion as fans until they didn’t show up. It HAS to be the stadium, or maybe the name. Maybe if we rename the team Chicago United SC everyone will forget that the current ownership has put one of the worst teams in the league on the field repeatedly over the last few years and figuratively spit in the face of many of the long time fans of the team until they felt like they couldn’t , in good conscience, attend games that they had already paid to attend.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Chicago United FCSC Wanderers Rovers Atletico tells their fans to go screw themselves, but… you know… NICER this time.

Worldwide Scholars Announce That Literally Everything About Soccer Fans In The United States Is The Worst

Scholars from across the world announced today that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst as they released the results of a 10 year study.

Here a scientist tests whether organized groups of fans in the United States can even call themselves supporters.

“We spent 10 years looking at the traditions, habits, songs, chants, associations, coaches, players, kits, stadiums, T.I.F.O, choreography, supporters groups and teams in the United States,” stated German researcher Klaus Schmidt. “What we were able to determine unequivocally is that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst, regardless of which team they support (internationally or locally) or how a fan chooses to participate.”

The data from the team at the International Football Research Society (IFRS) in Zurich showed that even if you remove the judgment of rivals, haters and trolls, that the base American soccer fan is filled with 200% more cringe inducing moments than even the worst soccer fan in Europe.

“We were able to find hard data about the various songs your so-called supporters sing and they are all rated as the worst thing any fan in England, Germany, Spain, Italy, France, or the Netherlands has ever heard” stated Mr. Schmidt. “By every single European, English, or Balkan metric, no fan in the United States should ever sing, much less attend or care, about soccer. Literally everything Americans do around the game is 100% full of what you call cringe.”

Schmidt indicated that the research didn’t differ on whether fans were supportive of Major League Soccer or an overseas league.

“We thought there would be a different variable based upon the kind of fan that supports a franchise in Major League Soccer versus a fan that supports a team in La Liga,” stated Schmidt. “Instead, what we found is that while we acknowledge the utter terrible nature of the league, there is absolutely no difference in our metrics. The amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of European or far-flung leagues weighs statistically as much as the amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of their local franchise. As the numbers prove, there literally is no way for an American to support any team in the United States or abroad correctly.”

For his part, Schmidt stated that he feels for soccer fans in the United States, but indicates that if you are a soccer fan there, you need to acknowledge that the whole country is built around Cultural Assimilation and Appropriation of other peoples work into a new-money, cringe inducing display of faux-bravado.

The Nutmeg News will have more as soccer fans in the United States label the entire report as, “TOTAL BOLLOCKS, MATE.”

Manchester City Victory Allows Area Man Bragging Rights Over Guy At Work Who Might Like Soccer

NEW YORK - The victory of Manchester City on the last day of the Premier League allowed Thomas Price ultimate bragging rights over the guy at his work who might like soccer.

“Thomas, could you please get me that report on the first quarter when you are done stretching?”

Stating, “Who’s on top this time! City is on top!” to a very confused receptionist, Thomas marched into work on Monday morning with a feeling of accomplishment and superiority to co-worker Kamal Hughes who Price noticed had a soccer website open one time when he was leading the meeting during a google hangout last weekend.

“I don’t know what club he supports but whatever club it is, it isn’t Manchester City, champions of England,” stated Price to The Nutmeg News. “I brought in a new t-shirt that I purchased from the official club store to pin up in my cubicle so he knows the truth. He’s probably a Liverpool fan and laying low. He should lay low. I’m just going to linger by his cubicle with my Manchester City coffee mug to really show him what’s up.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Hughes who stated he has no interest in soccer, that he remains a basketball fan and that the website being open on his computer was the result of his nephew who is an avid fan of Neymar,

However, this truth did not stop Mr. Price from strutting around the corridors of his office space like everyone there actually knew anything about the Premier League at all.

“City is champion and everyone else can suck it,” stated Mr. Hughes as his co-workers discussed who the Knicks would take in the draft in their company chat online.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes sets up his computer to automatically be playing the Manchester City trophy lift as he shares his screen on a webinar he is teaching regarding product integration.



MLS Announces Chick-fil-A As Soccer For All Campaign Sponsor

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, that religious chicken restaurant Chick-fil-A would become the Soccer For All campaign sponsor as the league broadly touted their commitment to equality.

“See! You guys had it wrong all along!”

“We believe soccer isn’t just for Gay and Lesbian people,” stated league commissioner Don Garber. “But as well, it is for Baptists, Catholics, Protestants and … um… others.”

Sources within the league indicate that the executive committee of MLS felt that their previous “don’t cross the line” campaign was too restrictive in keeping them from crossing the line.

“They felt that Don’t Cross The Line meant that they couldn’t partner with a restaurant that literally donates money to organizations that teach an anti-lgbtq message,” stated one anonymous MLS staff member.

League sources indicate that the executive committee and Don Garber see no problem with Chick-fil-A’s $1,653,416 donation to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, a religious organization that requires its employees to refrain from “homosexual acts”.

Garber himself stated that the league would donate a sum of money from games during the month of June to the Paul Anderson Youth Home, a Christian residential home that teaches young boys that same-sex marriage is a “rage against Jesus Christ and His values” as Chick-fil-A did in 2017.

“It’s important for our brand to be aligned for our sponsors and this Paul Anderson Youth Home sounds just lovely! Who doesn’t love youths and homes,” stated Don Garber.

For their part, the restaurant plans to use the sponsorship of Major League Soccer to make more money off the backs of gay and lesbian community that it so desperately seems to want to stamp out.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this probably actually happens.



Cover Band Playing After Soccer Game Worried That Opening Act Won't Bring Enough Fans

Des Moines, IA - 80’s rock cover band SpiderWarz indicated that they were concerned that the opening act of Des Moines United v Rockingham Atletico FC is not going to bring enough people to their upcoming gig.

“They created a Facebook event page, but honestly… there’s not that many people RSVPing,” stated lead singer David Lee Hoth. “I’m guessing that they are going to rely on walk up ticket sales.”

Sources within Des Moines United indicate that the club had a bunch of friends RSVP to the upcoming game so they were certain they would show.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” stated Hoth. “Honestly, it’s looking like they are charging too much for their cover and we are going to be stuck with another gig where we are playing for each other by the time we close out the set.”

With an uptempo set based upon Guns N’ Roses, The Scorpions, Motley Crue, and Poison, SpiderWarz is hoping to retain the few people that do come out to see the opening act.

“They asked us to backline the gig and we are just waiting for confirmation that they are going to be quick with the soundcheck and tear down after their set,” stated Hoth to our reporter. “Hopefully we can get on stage and really start rocking so that we don’t lose everyone who is probably tired of sitting for that long.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hoth notices Des Moines United sneaking out during their second song.

Area Man Starts Regressive Politics Supporters Group

LOS ANGELES - Tired of what he indicates is, “progressive politics being shoved down my throat,” Los Angeles man Chad O’Neil started a regressive politics supporters group for Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) aimed at people who want to support soccer, hate socialists, defund all social programs, ban Muslims from the United States, make Americans speak English, chant homophobic slurs at players, and yell racist abuse whenever they want.

Joe Raedle / Getty Images

“FREE SPEECH! FREE SPEECH! I don’t like that fact that when I attend soccer games that I have to cover up the fact that I believe in the free-market, a small government, religious freedom for Christians, the prophecy of The Battle of Armageddon, and that women don’t deserve to make choices about their body,” stated O’Neil. “I miss the days when the stands were full of my brothers, we could yell whatever we wanted, and all of our team names were caricatures of indigenous people that this country ritualistically murdered because God told us to do so in our relentless expansion to the sea.”

Stating that his reaction was purely based on what he sees as the intolerance of the left to his political positions, Mr O’Neil stated that he was done being polite.

“These cucked lefties just want everything for free and for me to tolerate their lifestyle,” ranted O’Neil. “I demand an equal space where I will not be hassled in the stands so that I can tell these safe space special snowflakes what is wrong with their world view with visual displays that indicate that their politics, heroes and life are of no value to anyone with a moral compass based upon watching 4300 hours of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Neil just goes back to watching the NFL and complaining about, “outspoken athletes that don’t know their place.”

We Might Be About To See The Second Ever Photo Of A Black Hole Above The Vancouver Whitecaps Headquarters

VANCOUVER - An announcement next week by an international collaboration might contain the second photo of a black hole's event horizon over the Vancouver Whitecaps front office headquaters.

Scientists with the international Event Horizon Telescope project indicate that they first noticed the possibility of a black hole above the Whitecaps front office when questions sent to the Whitecaps about their culpability in the cover up and investigation into abuse claims, claims of hiring a coach with a history of racism, and allegations of a silencing abuse claims over the past 11 years were not returned.

“Clearly any organization involved in these claims would want to clear their name and show their desire to make things right,” stated head researcher Angela Davis. “So given that we know that to be true, there can only be one possibly reason why there’s been virtually nothing coming from the Whitecaps. Yes, a black hole that is so large it is sucking all communication, information and fun out of the area.”

Fans say that this makes sense as their repeated entreaties for a response grounded in admission, acknowledgement and amicably resolving the issue has been met with outright dismissive attitudes, terse responses or nothing at all.

“We’ve been walking out of games for weeks now,” stated one Southsiders member. “I just thought the Whitecaps were ignoring their fans as the attendance numbers plummet and B.C. Place turns into a morgue, but maybe it’s just a super-massive black hole!”

We sent an inquiry to the Vancouver Whitecaps about the situation but received no response thus showing that there is, in fact, what appears to be a black hole destined to eat the entirety of western British Columbia and possibly the world.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the blackhole eats away at Bob Lenarduzzi’s career.

USL And NPSL Teams Hit Up Forward Madison For Money After $25,000 US Open Cup Windfall

With the 3-0 victory over El Paso Locomotive, USL League One side Forward Madison received a $25,000 bonus from US Soccer for being the last Division III team in the tournament which resulted in the Wisconsin side receiving a number of phone calls regarding financial help from a multitude of disparate teams in the USL and NPSL.

“The ink wasn’t even dry on the novelty check, yet,” stated Forward Madison Flamingo In Chief Ronald “Ronnie” Anderson. “Suddenly everyone we hadn’t heard from in 20 years was calling us asking how we were doing.”

Madison reportedly fielded calls from teams like Upper Irvine Trash Compactors FC, Lansing Disbanded, Punxatawny Hogs, and even teams from it’s own division such as the Eastern Georgia Bricklaying Troubadours, a team for singing tradesman.

“It’s amazing what a novelty check for $25,000 will do for your popularity,” stated Mr. Anderson. “Suddenly it was, ‘haven’t talked to you in a long time, but oh we have roster issues that a few ten thousand dollars might help,’ or, ‘we can’t afford soccer balls,’ or, ‘‘we can’t travel on the next leg of our USOC matchup,’ or, ‘I have a brand new idea that will revolutionize the training skills of teams in Peru,’ or, ‘the Chicago Fire really could use $25,000 so why don’t you just GIVE us the money.’ We can’t afford to give to all those causes and help ourselves at the same time.”

Forward Madison’s approach to utilizing the money revolves around turning half the grandstand area at Breese Steven’s Field into a Flamingo retirement facility for aging and vulnerable Flamingos.

“It’s important for us to support the people and animals that supported us getting into this crazy business. We aren’t called the aardvarks for a reason, those stingy bastards.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the US Soccer Federation check doesn’t clear.


Florida Soccer Soldiers Battle Through Independence To Prepare For Invasion Of Iran

Charlotte, NC - The Florida Soccer Soldiers battled through their recent clash against the Charlotte Independence as the amateur side defeated the USL Championship side in a US Open Cup wargame to prepare for the upcoming catastrophic disaster known as the Invasion of Iran.

HOORAH!

“They came out in a phalanx,” stated Independence manager Jim McGuinness. “After a pitched battle, one of their men went down, but they hung around and delivered blow after blow.”

The Soccer Soldiers stated that they were simply working on the organization and techniques they will need for the upcoming and all-consuming war with Iran as they looked forward to another 16 year war with no ending date.

“We’ve always been at war with Iran,” stated Soccer Soldier PFC Sanders. “This battle against Independence really taught us about working together as a team, and that will come in handy when we are sent in on the front lines of the coming global conflagration.”

With tensions rising, the Department of Defense would not confirm or deny using the Soccer Soldiers on the front line, but the men prepared for the upcoming campaign as though they would go, regardless.

“We must be prepared, whether we are battling on the streets of North Carolina or the streets of Tehran,” stated Sergeant Suazo. “Regardless of where we go, the Soccer Soldiers will be ready, I can guarantee that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the war drums continue to beat.

Premier League Of England Championship Cup Playoffs Start On Thursday As Two Seed Liverpool Face Seventh Seed Burnley In Western Conference Matchup

The Premier League Of England Championship Cup Playoffs start on Thursday evening as the closing act to the 2018/2019 season begins with the Western Conference match-up as Liverpool takes on Burnley at Anfield.

“Now that the regular season is over, we can finally get down to the business of winning the Premier League Cup,” stated Spurs head coach Mauricio Pochettino. “We all know that the regular season is all about seeding and we are happy to go into the playoffs being able to host a game in front of our fans.”

With the Western and Eastern Conference seeding coming down to the wire, fans were finally able to start making their plans for the playoffs on Sunday.

“You just know that the FA is going to make Arsenal v Spurs happen again,” stated Gunners fan Paul Hargrove of London. “It’s just like with Portland and Seattle, every single year…. every single year.”

Journalists indicate that they are also looking forward to a potential Liverpool v Manchester United match at Anfield provided the two sides progress, but they caution against getting too excited.

“You never know with United these days,” stated Timothy Chambers of the Manchester Evening Daily Picayune Times. “They could easily lose to Bournemouth. Just look at what happened against Cardiff. It depends entirely on the mentality of the team when they come out. Of course, the playoffs are a different thing entirely.. It will be a fascinating chase to see who truly can become the Premier League of England Cup Champion of England brought to you by Weetabix and Visit Malaysia.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans call for more consistent start times to the game and rebel against the Thursday night games.


Years Of Achievements Leave Revolution General Manager Ready For Next Head Coach

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution general manager Mike Burns touted his years of achievements as the general manager of the franchise as he spoke to the press at length about removal of Brad Friedel as head coach and the criteria for the next hiring.

Remember the olden days of …. squint…. 28 dollar US Soccer tickets?!

“If you look back on the last 8 years from November of 2011 til now, we can be pretty impressed,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Even if you look at back when I started in 2005, we’ve had unparalleled success. Why, we made the playoffs three times over the last 8 years, and the Revolution very nearly won something in 2014. Not many teams get that close to actually winning something in this league. It’s not like there are multiple opportunities for trophies every season. We’ve been in the top 10 of the Eastern Conference every year since our inception, and the Revolution haven’t finished lower than 9th in their conference, ever. This club is in very good shape, and I hope the fans understand how good they have it. Why, in the past four years we didn’t finish lower than 8th in the East and we finished 5th in the East just four years ago.”

Burns stated that his current priority was starting the search for a new head coach as he indicated the organizations willingness to look towards new horizons.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that we’ve been in touch with Sam Allardyce,” stated Burns. “However, we would be very happy to have him here as he has some very close connections to Robert Kraft. He’s a hands on manager who isn’t afraid to be tough with his players and we like that here. As well, we are looking at ex-Revolution players that might be interested in a spin at coaching. I can confirm that I left a few messages for Jermaine Jones but he hasn’t returned my phone calls yet. It’s only a matter of time.”

Burns indicated that 8 years of rampant success at the General Management position and 15 years of unprecedented success with the organization has shown him the value of people who understand the culture of the Revolution.

“It’s important to find someone who can work within the framework, financial guidance and player scouting that we can provide,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Our hope will be that we can find a player just retiring who wants to experiment with being a coach or a disgraced former coach who needs redemption.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution shift the deck chairs around for another season.


Soccer Fan Holds Player To Much Higher Standard Than He Holds Himself

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Philip Williams stated that he certainly hopes the new Timbers acquisition lives clean, contributes to charity and is a decent person as he boldly decided to hold player Brian Fernandez to a higher standard than he holds himself.

“We can’t have a player out there partying who hates the fans,” stated Williams who was once fired from a Papa Murphy’s pizza store for stealing toppings and utensils from the store and drinking on the job. “It’s important to have a player represent your team well and his past history seems to indicate a lot of problems.”

Williams, who recently plead guilty to a drunk and disorderly after a confrontation at a food cart pod, stated that he was concerned with the previous run-ins that Fernandez had several years ago.

“Who does Cocaine these days,” stated Williams, “when microdosing LSD with a cannabis back end is just so much more efficient of a work day routine. You can really feel the difference when you combine homemade Kombucha with LSD, a pinch of cannabis and Google sheets. It’s like a foursome of productivity and I really have been making progress on my screenplay about the history of derailleurs on this combination.”

For his part, Williams (who indicated that he recently volunteered with Goodwill because he dropped off a shirt at a donation center) stated that he would keep an open mind on Fernandez if he wholly commits himself to working in the community.

“While I do not have the time, these days, to commit to charity work, It’s important that our players are out there in the community working hard. I don’t think it is asking that much for them to really keep a clean life style, eat well, work out, stay off drugs and alcohol, volunteer in the community, and be woke to the issues of social responsibility, privilege and the entire spectrum of diverse perspectives on feminism and modern political thought. That’s the BASE minimum I expect from a player for this team,” stated Williams as he finished a chicken fried steak with scrambled eggs and a red beer for breakfast.

“The honest truth is that the poor guy is really going to feel out of place in this city and this team if he is a decent player but hasn’t read Ta-Nehisi Coates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams misses the second home game of the season due to a drivers license suspension after a number of speeding tickets and going 20 over in a school zone.

Professional Referee Organization Issues Apology To Ted Unkel

NEW YORK - The Professional Referee Organization (PRO) issued an apology today to referee Ted Unkel for Unkel missing the call on himself during the referee’s match.

The press release stated the following, “During the D.C. United against Columbus Crew game, referee Ted Unkel was placed in a violent and unacceptable situation by MLS players Wil Trapp and Luciano Acosta. PRO wishes to apologize to Referee Unkel for the untenable position that caused himself to miss his own call on himself about himself as he was not looking at himself about what he was doing and instead was watching and not watching the other players who were running towards him really fast. PRO wishes to encourage disciplinary action to be performed against Mr. Trapp and Mr Acosta for their violent assault of the center referee.”

Unkel was in the center of the action, this weekend, as he was very clearly bowled over repeatedly over and over and over for one time by Luciano Acosta and Wil Trapp.

“This kind of travesty will not stand,” stated PRO spokesman Jimmy Carter. “We must protect our referees from their own decisions, especially when their own decisions are non-calls on themselves about themselves as they attempt to not play the ball.”

PRO asked that in lieu of a punishment against the teams that Unkel would be allowed to send off both players retroactively and be the center referee for the next four Columbus Crew and D.C. United games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Unkel is awarded a meritorious service commendation for missing his work and then correcting that missed work.


Favorite Player Doesn't Even Know Soccer Fan's Name

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Tim Blakenship realized, on Friday, that his favorite player Chad Marshall doesn’t know his name as he sunk into a stark depression over the lack of connection.

(Photo by Justice Magraw)

“SEE, I’M RIGHT THERE, CHAD.”

“Every single week i’m out there for Chad,” stated Blakenship to The Nutmeg News. “The LEAST he could do is learn some small details about me and my life.”

Blakenship stated that he’s been a fan of Marshall ever since the player started paying for the Sounders in 2014.

“He’s 34 and I’m 34. He’s a dog lover and I’m a dog lover.He’s married and I’m thinking that would be nice if I could find someone. He went to Stanford and I went to Grays Harbor College. The similarities are endless, but I can’t help feeling that this is a one way relationship.”

Blakenship stated that no matter how many times he uses Twitter to invite Marshall over for dinner or wish him a happy birthday that he never responds.

“I’m yelling CHAAAAAD for a good 45 minutes of the home games,” stated Blakenship. “And the one time I met him outside the stadium he did that kind of, ‘oh hey you,’ routine. C’mon Chad, you should know my name by now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Blakenship starts a two-pole campaign aimed at Chad Marshall with random facts about his life, starting with his name, his dog’s name and stories about his coming of age with an absent father.