Soccer Fan Holds Player To Much Higher Standard Than He Holds Himself

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Philip Williams stated that he certainly hopes the new Timbers acquisition lives clean, contributes to charity and is a decent person as he boldly decided to hold player Brian Fernandez to a higher standard than he holds himself.


“We can’t have a player out there partying who hates the fans,” stated Williams who was once fired from a Papa Murphy’s pizza store for stealing toppings and utensils from the store and drinking on the job. “It’s important to have a player represent your team well and his past history seems to indicate a lot of problems.”

Williams, who recently plead guilty to a drunk and disorderly after a confrontation at a food cart pod, stated that he was concerned with the previous run-ins that Fernandez had several years ago.

“Who does Cocaine these days,” stated Williams, “when microdosing LSD with a cannabis back end is just so much more efficient of a work day routine. You can really feel the difference when you combine homemade Kombucha with LSD, a pinch of cannabis and Google sheets. It’s like a foursome of productivity and I really have been making progress on my screenplay about the history of derailleurs on this combination.”

For his part, Williams (who indicated that he recently volunteered with Goodwill because he dropped off a shirt at a donation center) stated that he would keep an open mind on Fernandez if he wholly commits himself to working in the community.

“While I do not have the time, these days, to commit to charity work, It’s important that our players are out there in the community working hard. I don’t think it is asking that much for them to really keep a clean life style, eat well, work out, stay off drugs and alcohol, volunteer in the community, and be woke to the issues of social responsibility, privilege and the entire spectrum of diverse perspectives on feminism and modern political thought. That’s the BASE minimum I expect from a player for this team,” stated Williams as he finished a chicken fried steak with scrambled eggs and a red beer for breakfast.

“The honest truth is that the poor guy is really going to feel out of place in this city and this team if he is a decent player but hasn’t read Ta-Nehisi Coates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams misses the second home game of the season due to a drivers license suspension after a number of speeding tickets and going 20 over in a school zone.