NWSL Announces Plans To Think About The Possibility Of Doing Some Kind Of Promotion Thing During World Cup

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced, today, plans to think about the possibility of doing some kind of promotion thing during the upcoming 2019 World Cup.


“We are trying to figure out if we can pull off a think tank kinda thing from our current part-time creative staff,” stated director of soccer, marketing, social media, player health, franchise health, and promotions Heather Brandice. “It’s important for us to start thinking about thinking about the possibility of doing some promotion-like things in the future with a conceptual tie in to that other thing happening in a few days.”

According to insiders with the NWSL, the league is already planning on announcing the players from the league that will be playing in the World Cup and highlighting their successes during the tournament.

“This is going to be a brand new approach for any league,” stated Ms. Brandice. “We are going to highlight the players that we have and show their goals and results. This…. THIS will bring the fans to the stadiums and it requires absolutely zero cash outlay other than having to pay a social media person to aggregate this information.”

With the league venturing into this bold new territory, they still indicate there might be room for one more idea provided that they can first get a meeting together to discuss what direction they might consider going.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the planning committee to discuss the planning of the meeting discusses whether there’s any benefit to two planning meetings if the second planning meeting can somehow aggregate all the information necessary or if their should be an adjunct meeting to discuss meetings separately away from this meeting to discuss the planning of the future promotions.

Major League Soccer To Debut CBD Infused Players For April 20th Games

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced new CBD infused players for their upcoming April 20th games as the league dipped their toe into the ongoing trend in the United States and Canada.

CBD strains will originate with appropriate players from appropriate teams where local restrictions allow. Picture for informational placeholder only and not indicative of any specific CBD strain.

CBD strains will originate with appropriate players from appropriate teams where local restrictions allow. Picture for informational placeholder only and not indicative of any specific CBD strain.

“As we move into the new, new millennia, we are trying to find new ways to integrate our brand into the ongoing cultural zeitgeist,” stated MLS director of CBD, Vaping, and Tinctures Johan “BigPlume” Canavate. “We will debut a number of CBD enhanced players for our 4-20 games in conjunction with our new strain of Red Bull New York marijuana called KaKush.”

The league stated that while they will comply with federal and local laws regarding the availability of marijuana that CBD (Cannabidiol) is not a schedule 1 drug and available for infusing with their players to create a new experience for fans.

“We are finding that our CBD enhanced players give fans a more relaxing soccer experience while reducing inflammation that typically happens from the stress of a soccer game,” stated Canavate. “We are offering our CBD infused players in samples from 5’5 to 6’3 and will have a range of experiences for those of our discerning fans concerned about the overall harvest and origin of their players.”

Fans say that the new CBD infused players will not offer a euphoric “high” feeling, but more so relieve the pain edge associated with watching their team struggle with stringing two passes together on a regular basis.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as CBD Infused Players tie in with Carls Jr to create the ultimate…. um……….. wait… like .what? ok, so… yeah, like um……. How do I even … like…. WATCH this game, man.

Minnesota United Supporter Sole Member Of Four Supporters Groups

Minneapolis, MN - It was discovered, on Thursday, that Minnesota United supporter Grant Yarrow is the only member of four different supporters groups that stand on the Wonderwall during Minnesota games as the prolific soccer fan sold t-shirts to himself in order to support his own activities.


Yarrow is reportedly the only member, president and social media expert for nerd supporters group The L00nl33ts, rave supporters group LoontzLoontz, the early 00’s alternative hip hop supporters group The Fun Lovin Loonimals, and an astronomy supporters group Waxing Loons (which has often been confused for a completely different organization).

“I have supporters group meetings at trivia night on Tuesday for The L00nl33ts,” stated Yarrow to The Nutmeg News. “Dance your pants meetings for LoontzLoontz on Fridays, club meetings for The Fun Lovin Loonimals on Saturdays and our meetings for the Waxing Loons tends to happen depending upon the celestial events of the week and month.”

Yarrow reportedly runs the Twitter and Facebook accounts for all four supporters groups as well as the merchandising, scarves and social coordination.

“I like to run a sassy account but information,” stated Yarrow. “Our supporters groups are all friendly with each other but the members of LoontLoontz don’t typically get along with the members of Waxing Loons as they consider that massively nerdy. For the most part, however, it is great.”

With their activities funded by merchandising, Yarrow stated that it is important to get other members of all four supporters groups to purchase the gear from all four supporters groups as he continually is making and purchasing his own t-shirts.

“We are hoping, soon, to have a spot on the terraces where we can have our own drum and sing our own songs,” stated Yarrow. “However, some of the members of the Fun Lovin Loonimals want to sing more esoteric Minnesota United songs set to the Elephant Eyelash disc from Why? so I don’t know how the LoontzLoontz drummers are going to incorporate that into their repertoire.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Yarrow refers to himself in the fifth person after the leader of the L00nl33ts gets in trouble for violating the clear bag policy of the stadium.

Chicago Based Tottenham Fan Celebrates Champions League Goal By Crossing Legs And Adjusting Tie

CHICAGO - Chicago based Tottenham Hotspur fan Erik Brown reportedly celebrated the Champions League goal against Manchester City at his workplace by crossing his legs and adjusting his tie as he attempted to look busy.



Streaming the game via youtubetv on a cellphone precariously perched on his knee below his cubicle desk, Brown attempted to reign in the dramatic feelings he experienced as the Champions League game against Manchester City crackled into a dramatic tension that punctured the low indistinct office hum that fills his cubicle.

“Yes, um… um.. yes, sorry, I was um… reading something,” stated Brown to his conference call as he attempted to remember what they were saying a few minutes ago.

“It’s not easy,” chatted Brown to our journalist on Discord. “I feel like I have a handle on this as long as I don’t have to pay attention to the call again in the next 30 minutes.”

For his part, Brown admitted that he celebrated the second goal by giving a moderate fist pump that he turned into a cough into his hand moment as he remembered that he was on a video hangout for this specific meeting.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brown takes a moment, after the meeting, to talk about the game with his fellow Spurs fans on Twitter on his personal phone from the bathroom stall for 5 minutes.

Major League Soccer And PRO Announce Double VAR

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) and the Professional Referee Organization announced a new innovation in game calling today as they unveiled Double Video Assisted Referee.


After a week in which mistakes were made and the Professional Referees Organization already apologized to the Vancouver Whitecaps twice for missing calls with VAR, the league and PRO decided to take action.

“We are going to implement DOUBLE VAR, “ stated PRO Canadian representative William Lavareaux. “We are going to have Video Assisted Referee and then we are going to VAR the VAR by having a second Video Assisted Referee check the first Video Assisted Referee. This way we will absolutely get the call right.”

Sources within PRO and MLS indicate that their concern is that they aren’t catching the call the first time or the second time, but they believe that VARing the VAR will allow them to finally check to ensure that the call is correctly handled.

“We don’t anticipate this adding to much time to the action on the field,” stated Mr Lavareaux to The Nutmeg News. “We are talking about an additional 15 minutes per half, and that’s really a small amount of time to ensure that we are getting the calls right the third time.”

With an increase of attention on the continual shit-show that VAR and referees are in Major League Soccer, league sources indicate that if VARing the VAR doesn’t work that the league will be interested in possibly triple VAR with VARing the VARing of the VAR.

“We will absolutely get this fixed,” stated Lavareaux. “Even if we have to spend 45 minutes going over the call a fourth time, we will get this fixed.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when everyone realizes that it isn’t fixed.

Inter Miami Announce "Fighting Litigators" Mascot

Miami, FL - Theoretical Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion franchise and future land boondoggle Inter Miami CF announced their mascot selection process was complete as they unveiled their Fighting Litigators moniker and mascot after it was announced that another lawsuit was filed against the nascent club.

Like this but with a bigger head.

Like this but with a bigger head.

“The fighting litigators will be represented by a caricature of our local legal representation,” stated Inter Miami general counsel and team president William Q. Harris. “We acknowledge that we would be nowhere without our lawyers and legal representatives and this is our way of thanking them. We will show our prowess on the field and in the boardrooms, but mostly the boardrooms.”

Inter Miami announced that their mascot would perform at half time by doing consultations on wills and estate planning and would entertain children in the concourse with tort reform balloons, discussions of land use clauses, and stories of spending 84 billable hours on a defense strategy for a corporate executive charged with domestic abuse.

“It will absolutely be respectful to the community, but our fighting litigators mascot Elliott Esquire will have a bobble head and bloodshot googly eye,” stated Harris to The Nutmeg News. “These features will really allow him to reflect the Fighting Litigators style as he slouches at his desk and buries his head in his hand while he spends his 40th day in a row in the office working overtime while preparing a defense strategy for a CEO accused of insider trading while wondering what the hell he did wrong with his life and if it is too late to go apply at the Rhode Island School of Design and leave all this shit behind even though he knows that with one kid at home and a mortgage that he’s stuck with this shit job til the day that he finally gets disbarred for being drunk in court because that’s the only way he can cope with the things he has seen whilst being an advocate for the hell of humanity.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fighting Litigators field a lawsuit due to the likeness of Elliott Esquire.

NWSL Fan Ready To Kick Off 8th Year Of Trying To Convince USWNT Fans To Support A Team In The League

CHICAGO - Red Stars fan Steph Cordeiro stated that she was, “super excited to start the 8th year of trying to convince USWNT fans to support a team in the league,” as the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) approached opening weekend.

It’s not an either/or proposition.

It’s not an either/or proposition.

“It’s that time of the year where I try to convince all the rest of my friends that dedicate their time, money and energy to the United States Women to spend even an eighth of their attention on a local team,” stated Cordeiro to The Nutmeg News.

Reportedly, Cordeiro frequently encouraged friends that come out to watch the USWNT to come with her to Red Star games by offering them free beer, a free ride and even free tickets.

“I find it amazing that people can spend $4,000 on tickets to France, tickets to games, lodging and travel around the country and they can’t spend zero money and 2 hours of their time to come out to an NWSL game,” stated Cordeiro. “It’s almost like they really are not interested in local soccer and growing the game Maybe Chicago needs to win more games against 6-0 against Belguim.”

Cordeiro stated that she still enjoys watching the USWNT and plans on supporting the team during the upcoming 2019 Women’s World Cup, but instead of going into debt by following the team around France she bought season tickets to the Red Stars and used the other 3800 dollars she would’ve spent following the team on paying down her student loan debt.

“I’m really excited for the 2019 season and can’t wait to try to convince one person to come to more than one game with me for the next few months.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cordeiro gets a non-committal “maybe” from her friend Anna about going to the season opener.

Car With Soccer Team Sticker Not Driven By Known Friend

Minneapolis, MN - Wonderwall participant Dana Rovell reported, on Monday, that the Mazda 3 adorned with a Loons sticker at Bloomington and East 26th was not actually driven by a known friend as she craned her neck to have a look at a driver she doesn’t know for the 32nd time over he past two years.


“Oh, maybe that’s Dave,” stated Ms. Rovell as she found out that the driver of the car was actually a short woman with a bob cut. “Ok, well maybe that’s Dave’s wife? Funny, he’s never said anything about her.”

Ms. Rovell reported that since Minnesota United went to Major League Soccer that she’s seen a small increase in gear around the city which confused the Loons fan who was previously used to a small group of fans that knew each other intimately.

“Back in the day we all knew each other and all our shit,” stated Ms Rovell to The Nutmeg News. “I used to know everyone’s cars and we would waive at each other if we saw each other around town. Now I see a Prius with a new crest sticker and I think it’s Paul and It’s not Paul and I’m making an ass of myself by flipping off the driver that I think is Paul who would totally get that joke.”

With the team being more known in the area Ms Rovell indicated that she keeps being disappointed when she doesn’t know the person driving the car.

“I think to myself that oh.. you know.. he's got the sticker, he's wearing a scarf, and he has a beard; and then you pull up next to him and are waving and he has no clue who you are or even that you're a Minnesota United fan.”.

Ms. Rovell even admitted that this took a toll on her vehicle as she attempted to twirl a scarf at a Ford F-150 with a Wonderwall sticker only to rear end a tow truck and find out that the driver of the Ford was an Oasis fan.

“It’s just happened way too many times at this point, but one of these times It’s going to be my friend.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Rovell blows by the next car with a sticker on it that just so happens to be her friend Paul Alvarez and… hey.. "why the hell didn’t Dana say high when she saw me,” thinks Mr. Alvarez.

US Soccer Announces Mysterious $718,750 Increase In Reserve Surplus

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a mysterious $718,750 increase in their stated $130,000,000 surplus, on Tuesday.



Stating, “the money was donated from an anonymous benefactor,” the USSF pigeonholed the $718,750 dollars for a rainy day fund as they spoke about the donation.

“We didn’t expect this but we appreciate it,” stated President of US Soccer Carlos Cordeiro. “It really shows that our corporate benefactors and complainers who pay for tickets entrust us with the future of the federation and of our quest for a globally valid men’s soccer team.”

Some reporters suggested that the $718,750 was a donation from LUNA Bars to equal the Women’s and Men’s bonus structure, however Cordeiro suggested that this wasn’t entirely true.

“We don’t need outsiders dictating how we spend our money,” stated Cordeiro. “This money is our money not yours and as such we will use it for whatever we want, from generating interest to paying for lawyers to defeat the US Women’s National Team’s fight for financial equality. Either way, this money will be used as is deemed appropriate by the US Soccer Federation regardless of HOW or WHO donated it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation increases their surplus from the rumored $150,000,000 to TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS over the next few years.

Satire in a post-satire world

by The Nutmeg News:

During year 4 of this website it is important for the editors and writers to sit down and take stock of the waters in which we tread.

The reality of satire is that it is effectively dead at this time. We live in a post-satire world where it feels that many of us are completely overwhelmed, at times, by a toxic miasma that settles upon everything we view.

When we look at political or cultural headlines more outrageous than The Onion, The Hard Times, Clickhole, or even David Borowitz could possibly conceive, an issue arises where nothing is satire because the essence of our shared reality appears to be indistinguishable from satire at best and broken at worst. What is believable? What is not? Where is the line anymore?

It should be said that some of this is, of course, highly dependent upon your world view.

This overexposure and cynicism that exists in the world can lead itself to the satirist or humorist or untalented hack attempting to lampoon their target by verging further into the extreme realms of joke. After all, if everything is crazy around you then you must exceed that crazy in order to generate something, whether a work or a reaction or a laugh.

Whether this is an attempt at humor created by offensive shock, racial overtones, homophobia, misogyny, or possibly just flat out provocation and insult, the humor itself is lost in the blatant attempt at being edgy and generally being a dumbass that thinks any of that stuff is funny.

Honestly, there isn’t much funny in “fuck you” despite the fact that this website has absolutely settled for such provocations.

Finding the edge in humor can be a line by line exploration of a knife edge ridge that straddles different cultural mores. This edge is necessary, in some cases, where in other cases dropping down into the valley on one side or the other can make an article feel profane, uncultured, offensive (without point), and false. This uncultured attempt at humor can be intentional, but it should never be accepted as a natural result of an attempt at humor.

Better minds than ours devoted themselves to the theory of humor from conceptual metaphor to the Benign Violation Theory.

However, when it comes down to writing dumb pieces like Soccer Supporter Celebrates Successful Agile Scrum With In Office Pyro Display or Singing Supporter Needs To Pick An Octave And Stick With It we decided for ourselves that the central feel of the story is either true or it isn’t true.

Fans, supporters, coaches, players, referees all know their own waters intimately. We know, in our own lives, that being around soccer and soccer supporters will worm itself into your life so much that you view the idea of celebrating a work related achievement the way a goal might be celebrated in the stands as a funny idea and/or contradiction.

We know the feeling of the pulsing energy (or depressing energy, let’s be honest) inside the stadium and the transition of this game feeling to your work where life exists in a slow march towards the evening, the weekend, the next game, the next gathering and the next celebration.

You may not be able to accurately define what authenticity is (if it exists at all), but people tend to know when they feel that it doesn’t exist.

Here’s a real, true, honest fact, however. None of these columns are written specifically for you and/or about you (in most cases).

With The Nutmeg News we created a world to make ourselves laugh and other people decided to laugh as well. Some of you decided to tell us to go fuck ourselves, or tell us that this isn’t funny. Some of you are probably right. With this ethos we never share our own stories past the boundaries of the social media we control. If you want it, it’s right there. If you don’t, you can just scroll past.

In the end, “This isn’t satire,” in this world at this time is probably true. It’s hard to do humor at all, trust us, we’ve failed more times than you can imagine, and we still constantly fail on a day by day by week by month timeline. We’ve written things that failed to make ourselves laugh, fretted over it in the drafts, submitted it for review to other writers and then deleted it or saved it for a better idea later.

There are drafts, pitches, ideas, submissions, pictures, and outlines that litter the landscape behind the scene. As well, there are columns/ideas that make it out that could be better, more concise, funnier or interesting. There are things that we love and find hilarious that you, apparently, don’t care find humorous or interesting. (These ideas still get written, though, because you fuckers aren’t paying the bills.)

The driving mission of this website four years later remains the same. We exist first and foremost to make ourselves laugh and in doing so we hope that some of you will laugh as well.

If you feel inclined, please put this website out of business by being better than we are. It shouldn’t take much because you can start at exactly the same level that we began. After all, all you need is a blog, and a bunch of dumb ideas that make you laugh.

We hope that you truly enjoy this April 1, 2019 and that some of the April Fools jokes out there online aren’t just brand created bullshit (ED: oooh, profane!) dedicated to amplify engagement while helping the bottom line.

With all the love in the world we urge you to take care of yourselves and be wary today of all days.

All of us with The Nutmeg News

(we don’t promise to say good bye)

E-MLS Player E-Announces E-MLS E-DP Signing Of E-Lionel Messi For E-MLS Cup

Boston, MA - E-MLS player Jonas @BlastSquad Ramirez E-Announced E-MLS E-DP signing of E-Lionel Messi for E-MLS Cup this weekend during the upcoming tournament.

“I E-Picked up E-Lionel Messi to fill out my E-Squad,” stated Ramirez to The Nutmeg News. “I felt that E-He would really allow me to E-Attack the E-Defenses of the opposing E-Teams in a very specific E-Way.”

E-MLS Cup allows professional FIFA players the chance to participate in an E-Tournament with mixed teams that can include E-International E-Players that traditionally wouldn’t be seen in a normal MLS Game.

“If you have the E-Chance to pick up E-Lionel Messi, you better E-Do it, I always say,” stated Ramirez.

Commissioner of E-Major League Soccer, E-Don Garber, stated, “We see the E-Signing of E-Lionel Messi as a major step forward for our E-League. This E-Signing really shows that E-MLS Cup is an E-League on the E-Rise.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as E-MLS Cup outdraws MLS Cup in total viewers.

Brad Friedel Bemoans Lack Of Boston Fans Beating Up Revolution Players

Boston, MA - In comments to The Boston Globe, New England Revolution head coach Brad Friedel seemed to bemoan the fact that Boston fans are not waiting for players at their cars and beating them up as a motivational tool.

So do you want me going down there……. or what?

So do you want me going down there……. or what?

Speaking to reporter Globe correspondent Frank Dell’Apa, Friedel stated, “The mentality of a player in this league, a lot of the players, when they lose, it doesn’t hurt enough. There’s not relegation, they don’t get fined, they don’t have fans waiting by their cars, they don’t have people beating them up. They don’t have the pressures they have in other leagues.”

Fans were later encouraged to NOT beat up players from their own team as news filtered through the Revolution camp that their head coach was upset at the lack of physical accosting and deadly assault.

“What the hell is he on,” stated one anonymous player

“Good god, man, no.” stated another anonymous player.

“I am clearly in hell,” stated another anonymous player.

We spoke to Revolution fans who were confused by these latest statements as they seemed to fly in the face of all normal decency.

“So………… am I supposed to go to the training ground and beat up Brad Knighton,” asked Sully McKenzie from Boston. “Because, um….. that seems like something that would put me in jail, but if that’s what Brad wants…..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the backpedal starts furiously from the league and team.

Woman's Plan To Fix Soccer As Simple As," Overthrowing Capitalism On A Global Scale"

Minneapolis, MN - Socialist political operative and soccer fan Lucinda Williams stated that her grand plan to fix the corporate influence of soccer in the United States was as simple as, "overthrowing Capitalism on a global level."


Stating, "Wave slavery is death," Williams ranted about the current set up of the market in the United States noting that, "Everything would be resolved if the people in charge voluntarily transferred all the power to the people, tomorrow. Things will be far better when leagues and the teams are owned and operated by the fans for the sake of the fans. Look, all we need to do is make the billionaires in charge of the system realize that they are harming the growth of the game! It's easy. I'm going to find out what Philip Anschutz address is and mail him a copy of Das Kapital. Once we get Philip turned, then we just need to work on Robert Kraft, Don Garber, Sunil Gulati and whoever ends up replacing Eric Wynalda after he resigns in year 3."

Williams has long advocated for a total abandonment of the current systems of soccer in the United States and under her proposal she states that the countries of Canada, Mexico and the United States must be replaced and reformed while abolishing capitalism at a state government level while doing away with borders and uniting into one super region and switching to a winter schedule to line up with FIFA dates. Her timeline for this puts the revolution somewhere in 2024.

When asked how she will enable the revolution, Williams stated, "I'm going to start a Twitter account," as she continued on to say, "The people will throw off the yoke of the involvement of Coke in soccer when they get a load of my socialist cat memes! The proletariat will rise once again for the real redistribution of the assets in Das Superdraft."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams starts a blog to go along with her Twitter account.

MLS Re-Releases Extratime Video Game On Playstation 4

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced today that it would be re-releasing the video game MLS Extratime on Playstation 4 during 2019 PAX East.


Originally released as ESPN MLS ExtraTime in 2002 by Konami on GameCube and PlayStation 2, the venerable classic will be relaunched as a podcast simulator and narrative driven story game on the PlayStation 4.

“With this game you will be able to offer opinions on games, talk about statistics and engage in banter with your co-hosts as a number of playable characters,” stated MLS video game producer Peter Molyneux. “We will offer Matt Doyle, Charlie Davies, Andrew Wiebe, Jason Saghini, and even Bobby Warshaw as playable characters that you can customize to your specifications. There will be unlockable characters like Susannah Collins, Sam Stejksal, and Greg Lalas. As well, there will be a real life aspect as you will be expected to equip your characters with a variety of statistical categories that you can improve upon or decrease depending upon your success during the game.”

Molyneux indicated that if you want to roll a Dark Elf Paladin Andrew Wiebe that you will be on a quest to raise the golden microphone from an amateur podcast to the top levels of an official Youtube stream.

“We will incorporate many elements you haven’t seen in a real life podcast game before,” stated Molyneux to Podcast Gaming Monthly. “Oh yes, my friends, you will be able to take an in-game wife, raise in-game children and be expected to attend 36 podcast tapings while juggling time to watch game film which will increase your overall perception while also filling your pee meter.”

The Pee Meter is just one of the many new ideas in gameplay that Molyneux pitched to MLS.

“We are including a banter zone button that locks you into a V.A.T.S style engagement with your co-hosts which will allow you to defeat them one on one. As well, you will grow into the roll you define for yourself with success and failure. If you decide to be provocative, being more provocative will fill your character with satisfaction and will allow you to unlock smug as a characteristic while being less provocative will send your character into an existential crisis.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when MLS ExtraTime becomes free on PS+ next month.

New USSF Ticketing Strategy Announced As Only One $2,000,000 Ticket Will Be Available For Next Friendly

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced their new ticket pricing and strategy for upcoming games as they will release only 1 ticket priced at two million dollars for the entire stadium for the next home friendly the United States men will play.

“Would you rather have a full stadium or a pile of cash? Because a pile of cash is a lot more fun when the game ends and you miss the World Cup,” - Carlos Cordeiro

“Would you rather have a full stadium or a pile of cash? Because a pile of cash is a lot more fun when the game ends and you miss the World Cup,” - Carlos Cordeiro

“We’ve tried to have full stadiums before,” stated USSF president Carlos Cordeiro. “This time we decided to have one expensive ticket to ensure that we are recouping our costs and maintaining our profit growth year over year.”

US Soccer stated that it was important to keep growing their profits moving upward with the express desire of ensuring 2019/2020 as the most profitable era in US Soccer history as they prepare to price gouge during the upcoming World Cup.

“The metric of success that we measure ourselves by isn’t Brazil, Argentina, Spain or France,” stated Cordeiro. “We measure ourselves by Microsoft, Amazon, Google, Apple and Facebook. This isn’t a charity or a non-profit, this is for profit. We cannot continue to take massive losses by subsidizing poor fans who want to come to games. Let them get better jobs if they want to see the national team play. In the mean time, we believe that this ticketing option will really help the federation get a concrete handle on our finances.”

With the single ticket expected to sell out, pundits across the United States expressed their admiration at this idea.

“Look, Ayn Rand was right and we all need to just understand that you can’t help poor people by helping them,” stated Alexi Lalas. “You help poor people by showing how unbelievably shitty they are as human beings and that being rich, famous and popular should be their goal. This new ticketing methodology by US Soccer just shows how cutting edge the United States is in the fight against poverty. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, America, if you want to ever see this national team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer works to further raise ticket prices to un-affordable levels for meaningless friendlies.

Real Salt Lake Atmosphere Expected To Increase By .8% After Governor Signs Law Increasing Beer ABW To 4.0

Sandy, UT - The atmosphere in Rio Tinto stadium is expected to increase by .8% during the 2020 season after Governor Gary Herbert signed SB132, making way for higher-alcohol beer in grocery stores, convenience stores, and draft beer served in restaurants and bars.


“I’m going to be .8% drunker and .8% louder,” stated Real Salt Lake (RSL) fan Audra Hawthorne of Salt City United.

Sources within Real Salt Lake indicate that they hope that this increase in ABW (alcohol by weight) will also increase the home field advantage as they attempted to try to figure out the net positive.

“A .8% increase in home field advantage could be the difference between hosting a home playoff game and a first round exit,” stated one RSL insider. “We are hoping that the changes we can make to our taps at the game will flow through our fans, pun intended.”

Some fans remain skeptical, however, as RSL fan Dave Williams illuminated, “I’d rather have a vodka cranberry at the stadium bar and that’s NEVER been 3.2% so I don’t really know why anyone thinks this is going to be that big of a deal. Now if they could start selling 10% ABV Mike’s Harder Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice….. then we would see a real home field advantage.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Bud Light still tastes like piss water.

Best Soccer Fan In North America Actually Bjorn Halvorson From Red Deer

Red Deer, AB - The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) today announced that the best soccer fan in North America is actually Bjorn Halvorson from Red Deer, Alberta.

CONGRATUL…. oh screw it, here’s the trophy.

CONGRATUL…. oh screw it, here’s the trophy.

“We looked at a variety of categories including purchasing of kits, time sent watching the game and the fact that we heard about him recently due to his excessive body painting,” stated BBC soccer producer Nigel Williams James Weathersby III from Sussex just off the A23 past Hurstpierpoint. “We realized that the greatest fan in the world was from this small Canadian town in Alberta, imagine our shock.”

For his part, Mr Halvorson stated that he was excited to receive the moniker as he placed the ceremonial trophy next to the pewter replica the Brier Tankard that he made for his local curling club.

“I got into the game recently by watching Real Madrid games,” stated Halvorson to our reporter. “Then I decided to paint my whole body and put it online. That attracted a lot attention as the detail I put into blending my nipples into the team crest really helped drive attention to my Twitter account.”

The BBC put an exhaustive 15 minutes into their search as they were referred to Mr. Halvorson by someone in the Merseyside office that saw a time-lapse video of Halvorson covering his prodigious chest and prodigious nipples with the Everton logo.

“We are proud to finally settle the debate once and for all,” stated the BBC to their Twitter account. “And we can finally say that the best soccer fan in North America is definitely Bjorn Halvorson from Red Deer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as next week the BBC will announce that they’ve found a NEW best soccer fan in North America and it is a labradoodle named Bailey.

"I Only Smashed Two Controllers Last Week," States Professional FIFA Player

Richmond, VA - Professional FIFA player YANCEY1337 praised his self control as he stated, “I only smashed two controllers this week,” to his Twitter account on Monday.


Damon Foley, otherwise known as YANCEY1337, stated that despite the recent patches by EA Sports and the completely random glitches that cause even professional players to lose from seemingly unassailable positions that he felt like he had turned a corner on his anger.

“I’m doing better,” stated Foley to The Nutmeg News, “and I’m working on a regimen that allows me to place the games in context as I head to e-MLS cup in a little bit.”

With many players reporting completely jarring gameplay that results in losses to poor players who get bailed out by referees or game glitches such as an inability to switch to correct players, many of them were interested in the fact that professionals are also feeling the pain.

“I’ve had a lot of people asking me what my new regimen is for enjoying FIFA 19 and it’s very simple,” stated Foley. “I’ve just stopped playing the game as much and I’m working on a new Australian Football League series on my Twitch channel. People are really interested.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Foley prepares for E-MLS Cup by practicing primal scream therapy and smashing cardboard mockups of his controllers.

Robert Kraft Thrilled With Recent Revolution Attendance

Foxborough, MA - A thoroughly surprised Robert Kraft was reportedly thrilled that the New England Revolution pulled in 10,000 fans to their game against FC Cincinnati as he stated, “people still come OUT to this shit?”

The owner and loyal patron of the Revolution stated that he was, “frankly shocked that anyone even knew the team still existed.”

Despite his best efforts, the Patriots owner has not killed the Revolution fanbase yet as he eeks out another year hoping on an influx of summer children with soccer camps, the destitute, the morally bankrupt, and people who realize there are ways to get drunk with your family in public during the day without seeming socially irresponsible.

“Given the level of effort I’ve put in, I’m amazed that anyone is still coming out,” stated Kraft to The Nutmeg News. “I put more effort in soliciting indentured sex slaves than I have with the Revolution. 10,000 people! WOWY! Golly Gee WILLIKER!”

With Kraft’s ebullient mood on full display he then ran over to ask how the Patriots were doing and if there was any possibility of putting in some more effort to push them over the hump to another Super Bowl.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft forgets the team ever existed right around five minutes from now.

Player Blog Calls For Supporters To Bench Under-performing Drummers And Move To A Diamond Formation

Des Moines, IA - A new blog entry from Jason Howard, a midfielder for Des Moines City United FC, called for a number of severe changes for the supporters group in the stands after a disappointing performance by the fans lead to players and coaches of the team questioning their abilities.

“Ok, let’s sit down and diagram this out. The fans should line up in a 4-4-2, or possibly a 4-3-3 given that we can’t rely on Dave there to show up to the game on time and Steve’s got to cover him by holding up the flag.”

“Ok, let’s sit down and diagram this out. The fans should line up in a 4-4-2, or possibly a 4-3-3 given that we can’t rely on Dave there to show up to the game on time and Steve’s got to cover him by holding up the flag.”

“We know that the supporters had a decent season last year,” stated Howard on his blog CityUnitedFCIA.com, “But this season they are clearly in need of some new acquisitions and new blood as their efforts in the stand are simply not adequate.”

Howard detailed the faults of drummers Juan Vargas and Cassie Evans as he called them out for their poor first touch, lack of rhythm and inability to keep a proper tempo for the game.

“The fact about their performance is that it is something that would end up with them being benched or fired in any normal job like our own,” stated Howard. “If I have a bad day I don’t just get to shrug it off, claim I smoked too much weed before I got in the stands and then ask my Uber to go to the drive through at the Taco Bell on the way home. No, I would lose my job for that. The simple fact is that if you are unable to keep up with the pace of the game you should understand that there is someone else willing to do so. The inability of the leaders of the supporters group to find a backup for the drummers only shows their lack of scouting and their lack of effort at acquiring new talent.”

Howard also took the supporters group to task for their formation as he indicated that perhaps the current lack of results in the stands was down to the inability of the group to tactically innovate.

“The reality is that other groups will figure out your tactics in the long run,” stated Howard. “They should consider whether the supporters should move to a diamond formation that would narrow the compaction in the stands and force the walking vendors to the outside. It would require a better effort than we’ve seen from the capos, however.”

Howard closed out his article by indicating that if the supporters group was serious about righting the ship for the 2019 season that they would need to show some heart and effort in the upcoming games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard starts a podcast called The Crowd Report where he calls out the fans for being under-performing except for Chad who is just a rock star as usual and will have make the hall of fame for his efforts.