Miami, FL - Theoretical Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion franchise and future land boondoggle Inter Miami CF announced their mascot selection process was complete as they unveiled their Fighting Litigators moniker and mascot after it was announced that another lawsuit was filed against the nascent club.
“The fighting litigators will be represented by a caricature of our local legal representation,” stated Inter Miami general counsel and team president William Q. Harris. “We acknowledge that we would be nowhere without our lawyers and legal representatives and this is our way of thanking them. We will show our prowess on the field and in the boardrooms, but mostly the boardrooms.”
Inter Miami announced that their mascot would perform at half time by doing consultations on wills and estate planning and would entertain children in the concourse with tort reform balloons, discussions of land use clauses, and stories of spending 84 billable hours on a defense strategy for a corporate executive charged with domestic abuse.
“It will absolutely be respectful to the community, but our fighting litigators mascot Elliott Esquire will have a bobble head and bloodshot googly eye,” stated Harris to The Nutmeg News. “These features will really allow him to reflect the Fighting Litigators style as he slouches at his desk and buries his head in his hand while he spends his 40th day in a row in the office working overtime while preparing a defense strategy for a CEO accused of insider trading while wondering what the hell he did wrong with his life and if it is too late to go apply at the Rhode Island School of Design and leave all this shit behind even though he knows that with one kid at home and a mortgage that he’s stuck with this shit job til the day that he finally gets disbarred for being drunk in court because that’s the only way he can cope with the things he has seen whilst being an advocate for the hell of humanity.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fighting Litigators field a lawsuit due to the likeness of Elliott Esquire.