US Soccer Announces Mysterious $718,750 Increase In Reserve Surplus

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a mysterious $718,750 increase in their stated $130,000,000 surplus, on Tuesday.

More money for the SURPLUS! MONEY FOR THE MONEY GOD!

More money for the SURPLUS! MONEY FOR THE MONEY GOD!

Stating, “the money was donated from an anonymous benefactor,” the USSF pigeonholed the $718,750 dollars for a rainy day fund as they spoke about the donation.

“We didn’t expect this but we appreciate it,” stated President of US Soccer Carlos Cordeiro. “It really shows that our corporate benefactors and complainers who pay for tickets entrust us with the future of the federation and of our quest for a globally valid men’s soccer team.”

Some reporters suggested that the $718,750 was a donation from LUNA Bars to equal the Women’s and Men’s bonus structure, however Cordeiro suggested that this wasn’t entirely true.

“We don’t need outsiders dictating how we spend our money,” stated Cordeiro. “This money is our money not yours and as such we will use it for whatever we want, from generating interest to paying for lawyers to defeat the US Women’s National Team’s fight for financial equality. Either way, this money will be used as is deemed appropriate by the US Soccer Federation regardless of HOW or WHO donated it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation increases their surplus from the rumored $150,000,000 to TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS over the next few years.