Marouane Fellaini Donates Hair To Balding Footballers Fund

MANCHESTER - Manchester United forward Marouane Fellaini announced, today, that he would donate his signature hair to the Balding Footballers Fund in order to draw awareness to the balding footballer epidemic currently sweeping the world.


“It’s important for others to have the same follicle opportunity that I’ve had in my life,” stated Fellaini to The Nutmeg News. “Not everyone is gifted with the same hair opportunities and It’s my turn to give back.”

Anonymous reports indicate that the Fellaini hair is already in high demand with several balding or shaved head players requesting utilization of the recently donated locks.

Artist’s Rendering

Artist’s Rendering

“It brings me great joy to know that my hair will live on with others that are less fortunate than me,” stated Fellaini. “What is a footballer without his ego? What is his ego without his hair? Can we destroy the ego without destroying the hair? Can we build up the hair and in doing-so create the ego? As Sartre once said, ‘By the mere appearance of the Other, I am put in the position of passing judgment on myself as on an object, for it is as an object that I appear to the Other.’ We must define the hair, the other, the ego and the superego and find the combination that shows the conscious self.”

Artist’s Rendering

Artist’s Rendering

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next player to utilize Fellaini’s hair is given a suspension by the Football Association for an “inadvertent elbow”.

Writer Submits Brand Exposure To Pay Rent

WASHINGTON - Freelance sports and soccer writer Desmond Hughes notated and submitted his accrued “brand exposure” from various blogs for whom he wrote for free over the past year to his rental company as his monthly deadline to pay rent lurched ever closer towards a late fee, on Wednesday.


Hughes tabulated all the different websites that utilized his content and paid him in exposure before submitting an email full of press clippings, analytics and click-through statistics to Metro Property Rental with the notation, “payment for rent,” before calling it a day and heading off to celebrate with a bowl of instant ramen noodles.

“I finally made it,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “I’m utilizing all the tools that I generated over the past 10 years to be able to make a living where I can pay my rent and my groceries by virtue of my writing career.”

Hughes, a veteran Lyft driver, stated that his long term goal to make a living by writing about sports was finally realized when he got some great exposure from a 2300 word column he wrote on Landon Donovan for a blog on the United States Men’s National Team during the 2017 hexagonal tournament.

“I was paid so much in exposure that I treated myself to some tic-tacs,” stated Hughes. “I was just rolling in exposure. I gained about 150 followers on Twitter within a few hours and my engagement statistics were off the charts!”

According to friends and family, most are unaware of the expansive fortune in exposure amassed by Mr. Hughes as they continually asked whether he was considering going back to college for teaching, business or maybe even welding.

However, an exuberant Hughes screenshot his latest income of exposure as he lined up a way to pay for his upcoming gas purchase with all the exposure he recently received for an expansive and heavily researched SB Nation article on the coaching search for the United States Men’s team.

“I’m just going to show the store owner all the plaudits I got,” stated Hughes. “That should be good for a full tank at least.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an emotional Hughes pulls the last working credit card from his wallet to buy $10 worth of gas and a sandwich for lunch.

MLS Newcomer Of The Year Hoping For European Move

LOS ANGELES - The Major League Soccer Newcomer Of The Year, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, is reportedly hoping for a move to a top European team after his successful 2018 season where he netted 22 goals and 6 assists.


“Zlatan and I are currently looking at all our options,” stated player agent Ralph Steadman who also manages a chain of Boston Markets in the Providence area.

Rumors indicate that the newly crowned Ibrahimovic is eager to play in Europe with teams like Brøndby IF in the Danish Superliga admitting it could use the help of the fresh faced 37 year old youngster.

“We are interested in anyone who could help our team,” stated Danish soccer fan Aarhus Anderson. “If this so-called Zlatan can contribute to the MLS then certainly he could put in a few goals here.”

Skeptics say that Mr. Ibrahimovic has only had one good season with LA Galaxy as he didn’t even play for the side in 2017.

“We are not going to be basing our transfer methodology on one good season,” stated scout Yannick Dorsun. “Let’s see him try this for a few seasons with his local club before he moves to a more advanced league. There’s been plenty of American soccer players who haven’t handled the pressure that comes with playing in a European league.”

None of this stopped Major League Soccer from promoting the skills of the 37 year old rookie as many league affiliated observers claim that he could play in the top leagues in the world in the future.

“I can see a great career for him at 38, 39, and maybe even 40,” stated sports writer Howard Torburt. “What a promising talent! I hope the Galaxy bring him along slow so that he doesn’t get too much publicity and then flame out from the pressure. They need to really protect this lad.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cristiano Ronaldo marks down a new goal of winning Newcomer Of The Year.

George R.R. Martin Asks Major League Soccer To Hurry Up With The Playoffs

Santa Fe, NM - Author and soccer fan George R.R. Martin reportedly sent a lengthy hand-written letter to Major League Soccer (MLS) asking them to speed up the playoffs as the impatient fan awaited the conference championships in two weeks time.


“"This is your job,” wrote the vociferous author. “Your job is to entertain us. If you let the gap between entertainment widen too much people are going to move onto other authors.. i mean sports."

According to friends and family, Martin was enthralled with the Western and Eastern conference matchups as he intentionally avoided working on the new Game Of Thrones book The Winds Of Winter by watching the Cascadia matchup, RSL v SKC, Atlanta United v NYCFC and Red Bull New York v Columbus Crew.

“He was supposed to deliver two pages from the 45th chapter,” stated literary agent Delmont Lambreaux. “Instead, all I received was a lengthy essay on exactly what Mike Petke was going after by benching Justen Glad.”

With MLS scheduling that feels like an eternity between the semi-finals and the conference finals and MLS Cup, the writer of the Game of Thrones epics was reportedly very upset that the two week break would force him to confront his perpetual anxiety over the description of the type of rye bread served during a four hour dinner between an innkeeper and the 14th cousin of Jaime Lannister.

“I just want to keep the momentum going again from these playoffs series,” stated Martin when we reached out to him. “I don’t think anyone is going to remember the intensity of the situation if the games aren’t going to be played until Thanksgiving. What about all the plot points? Who is going to remember those?! No one is going to go back and re-watch all the games right before the next round. Sure, we will all CLAIM to do that, but I’m not re-watching first round games just so I can remember how I’m supposed to feel when the games go again. At this point, I'm just going to run the playoffs in FIFA this weekend and call it good. I’m not certain that I have time to wait until the actual games."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martin turns in four more pages from The Winds Of Winter that include impassioned speech given by Daenerys Targaryn about V.A.R and the offside rule.

Atlanta Man Dooms Atlanta United After He Forgets To Vote In Twitter Poll

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Todd Richardson actually forgot to vote for Atlanta United in the Major League Soccer (MLS) Twitter poll thus ensuring the local side will not win MLS Cup this year.


”I forgot, HONEST,” stated Richardson to The Nutmeg News. “I was voting for player of the game, Audi ball boy of the game, American Family Insurance policy of the game, play of the game, player of the game that was on the bench and fan of the game brought to you by Doritos.”

Richardson’s futile attempts to apologize were not accepted by his fellow fans as the slow realization that they are viewing the death of their season due to his inability to tweetvote washed over the 70,000 fans that were in attendance.

“GOD DAMMIT TODD,” stated Paula Harris who only learned about this one minute ago. “You screwed us! You screwed us all!”

Statisticians say that Richardson’s inadvertent gaffe will long resonate as it was clear that his Tweet metrics kept alive the hope in Atlanta for the past few months.

“Todd was very good at influencing the game results via his Twitter voting,” stated Paul Harris, director of stats and bratwurst at the University of Joliet. “It is unfortunate that due to his inability to remember to Tweet #VoteATLUTD that the team is now screwed, but here we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Richardson attempts to right his wrong by VotingTATA for whatever he can.

Podcast Equipment Now Worth More Than Podcaster's Car

LOS ANGELES - After a recent purchase was made on a newly activated credit card, MLS podcaster Paul Brown admitted that his podcast equipment is now worth more than the 1989 Buick Lesabre that he drives every day for work.

Only 194,000 miles!

Only 194,000 miles!

“Yeah, the two Shure SM7B microphones that I just ordered are definitely worth more than my car not to mention the computer, the editing software and all the cabling/soundproofing in my apartment” stated Brown to The Nutmeg News.

Brown was spurred to make the giant leap forward in sound quality as he recently stated, “gotta spend money to make money,” before he clicked on the purchase button on his Amazon order that would put him in debt for the next 4 years.

“If I’m going to make it in this business of talking to fans about soccer then all of you, the listeners, need to be able to hear what I say,” stated Brown to his dozens of fans as he spoke on a special Patreon fund raising podcast detailing the upgrades to his equipment. “That’s why it’s important to support community radio …. like me. So please give … to me… because the interest rate on this is crazy.”

With the heavy investment into his hobby, Brown admitted that he was now locked into podcasting about soccer for the indefinite future, but he was bullish on his chances of making a career at the hobby as he stated, “Soccer is the sport of the future! They’ve been saying that for 50 years so it’s going to be right one of these years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brown tries to calculate how much he is going to need to replace the brake pads on his car versus how much he will need to spend on a baffle to improve his soundproofing.

Racist And White Nationalist NYCFC Fans Decry, "Online Bullies," As Being, "Nazis, But Not The Kind We Love"

NEW YORK - Racist, white nationalist New York City FC (NYCFC) fans reportedly were very upset that their cover was blown and their information distributed online as they called out the so-called, “online bullies,” as being, “Nazis, but not the kind we love.”



“We love Nazi’s like Goebbels, Richard Spencer and Iowa politician Steve King, but this kind of Nazi persecution is absolutely bullshit,” stated one racist dickhead man. “I don’t understand why a person who hates immigrants, Jews, Muslims, women, and pretty much everyone else can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I don’t understand why a person who wants to create a white ethnostate and makes Nazi salutes in the stands can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I just want to go to the game, throw out Nazi salutes and tell other fans about why they should hate all the immigrants that surround them in the supporters group and then, after the game, beat up other fans, supporters and random people in the street. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?”

According to insider sources, NYCFC decided to ignore the attendance of these bigoted people in the stadium and among their travelling fans despite the repeated entreaties of other NYCFC fans as the club stated, “We believe in the rights of all fans to attend our games regardless of whether they want hot dogs with ketchup, Mix Diskerud back on the team, or whether they call for an extermination all Muslims and Jewish people globally in order to create a homogeneous culture of pure hatred and extremism.”

Groups of NYCFC fans reportedly resorted to banners, public shaming, a social media campaign, and reaching out to their NYCFC representatives in order to prevent the racists from attending NYCFC games.

“We were able to prove that some of these people marched with the KKK in Charlottesville and attacked people in the streets in New York City,” stated one anonymous NYCFC fan. “These people engage in violent extremism and the club just continues to do nothing.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to NYCFC about the situation and they again stated that their hands were tied.

“What are we supposed to do,” stated NYCFC president Jon Patricof. “It’s like the fans expect the organization to keep them safe or something. Look, it’s just a few in stadium Nazi salutes and white power stickers by our fans. Whats the big deal?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC continues to do nothing.

Co-Workers Allege Simulation As Flu Symptoms Worsen For Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - Co-workers of Timbers fan Heather Bronby are alleging simulation as her apparent flu symptoms worsen with the upcoming playoff game against the Seattle Sounders coming up on Thursday evening.


“I don’t know, everyone… I’m just not feeling well,” wheezed Bronby as she forced out a cough, a sniffle and staggered to her desk to sit down. “I really don’t think I’m going to be coming in tomorrow.”

Office co-worker Lisa Anderson was not sympathetic as she indicated her suspicion.

“I know that Heather told me she recently got her flu shot,” stated Ms. Anderson. “There’s no way this performance is believable. She’s just trying to get out of work on Thursday for the game.”

Sources indicate that Ms. Bronby began feeling the flu like symptoms on Monday morning as she entered her office holding a Kleenex while softly stating that she lost her voice overnight and was starting to feel a body ache.

“WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE SEASON TICKETS, HEATHER,” stated compliance officer Dan Stevens to the pale and unsteady Bronby in the break room as she attempted to close the sports section that was sitting out as a reminder of the previous day victory.

“I haven’t felt this bad in AGES,” stated Bronby aloud to no one in particular. “I definitely feel like I’m coming down with the flu, or a cold or something that’s going to keep me out for probably …. oh…. I don’t know…. Thursday and Friday of this week.”

Manager Fred Angle stated that he has no choice but to approve Ms. Bronby’s sick day request if she continues this charade even though he doubts the sincerity of her affliction.

“This is the worst performance I’ve seen since Ralph called in sick with endometriosis to watch the Golden State Warriors playoff game,” stated Angle to The Nutmeg News.

However, Ms. Bronby continued her elegant performance as she splashed water on her face and stated, “oh my, I’m just not feeling well AT ALL,” to the entire break room as she poured another cup of coffee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Bronby’s illness appears to be completely gone without a trace by Monday morning.

Area Man Actually Wants Skip Bayless' Opinion On Soccer

Tulsa, OK - After a fascinating Major League Soccer playoff weekend featuring a number of compelling matches, area man David Hughes emphatically indicated that he actually wanted Skip Bayless’ opinion on soccer.


“Why isn’t Bayless talking about soccer this morning,” ranted Hughes to his aghast friends who started physically moving away from the Oklahoma man at the very thought of this happening. “We need more people like Bayless and Stephen A. Smith yelling very loud things about the game after this kind of weekend.”

While friends attempted to calm Hughes down and inform him that no one should actually want Skip Bayless’ opinion on anything remotely related to soccer, the Tulsa man composed a tweet that he targeted towards Bayless, Smith and any sports personality with a talk show as he attempted to force them to speak on the subject of soccer and the Major League Soccer playoffs.

“Dear God in heaven I don’t know why he would ask such a thing,” stated good friend Wanda Evans. “There isn’t one person in the world that thinks that Bayless should say even one syllable about soccer. Hell, he really shouldn’t talk about Basketball either, but that’s not my fanbase.”

According to insiders, the friends and family of Hughes are reportedly staging and intervention after this recent outburst in an attempt to keep Hughes from successfully reaching out to the aforementioned media muppets.

As well, associates of Hughes created a Change.Org petition stating, “We, the undersigned, do not support this action and we renounce the views of David Hughes. Keep our sport Bayless free.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have no more on this.

"I Was Too Busy Getting More Toilet Paper Rolls To Throw On The Field To Yell A Homophobic Slur," Argues LAFC Fan

LOS ANGELES - While Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) were upset by Real Salt Lake (RSL) in the opening game of the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs, LAFC fan Kyle Schwarber stated that he wasn’t involved in the bad behavior as he argued, “I was too busy getting more toilet paper rolls to throw on the field to yell a homophobic slur,” to his online friends.

“You can’t hear the fans all yelling the same slur from a picture!”

“You can’t hear the fans all yelling the same slur from a picture!”

Schwarber attempted to defend his fellow fans over what he deemed a, “witch hunt over some minor bad behavior that resulted from like one or two people,” as he admitted that he spent part of the second half trying to find any projectiles that he could use to throw on the field at the end of the game.

“It’s important to let them know we are here,” stated Schwarber as he intentionally aimed a piece of ice towards a substitute only to have it bounce off the head of a fellow fan below him. “But I don’t think we have bad fans, and obviously the chant really isn’t homophobic because we don’t mean it that way in our hearts, you feel me? Even though I DEFINITELY wasn’t doing any of the chanting and nobody in my area was either, definitely, but even if people were, which they weren’t, it isn’t homophobic because… look…. you KNOW we aren’t homophobic. I mean, we had like a rainbow flag thing at one point.”

Schwarber went on to say, “some of my best friends are gay so I’m definitely not homophobic, I just think they are making too big a deal of this whole deal, but like I said I wasn’t the one doing the chant anyway and no one was in my section,” as he threw a full toilet paper roll towards Real Salt Lake goalkeeper Nick Rimando at the end of the game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as, shockingly, every single LAFC fan claims that no one in their section was doing the chant.

College Freshman Clearly Experimenting With Promotion/Relegation

Gainesville, FL - On a return to his childhood home, it was noticed that University Of Florida freshman Jimmy Feldman is clearly experimenting with promotion/relegation as he embarked on a long winded rant to his younger cousin Brooklyn about the dangers of a closed system.

“All we need is to have it….. like, now… somehow…. and the masses will be free. It’s like another state of consciousness.”

“All we need is to have it….. like, now… somehow…. and the masses will be free. It’s like another state of consciousness.”

“You gotta open your EYES, man,” stated Feldman to the wide eyed and impressionable youth that looked at him from the corner of the kitchen where Feldman was holding court. “Did you know that the European leagues promote AND relegate their teams? Did you know that? Did you know that. DID. YOU. KNOW. THAT.”

Reportedly, Feldman’s behavior towards soccer started to change as he entered college and started to be exposed to peer pressure.

“I think I was the first person that really got him into sub elite European soccer clubs,” stated one anonymous soccer dealer. “It really connected with him. Man, you could tell that he was just feeling it right off the bat. Like, he was just grooving on that shit.”

Friends state that Feldman stopped talking as often about schoolwork, his family, his ex-girlfriend, Orlando City, or even the US Open Cup and started talking more about SV Darmstadt 98 and league operating structures.

"It’s impossible for anyone anywhere to care about the results of a closed league,” stated Feldman as he paused to watch a highlight from the recent Jaguars game. “No one in this country cares about ANYTHING except upward mobility. Promotion/Relegation allows teams to transcend class structure while letting them leave behind the ragged poverty of lower division football. It’s only a matter of time before EVERYTHING has promotion/relegation. Hell, life should have promotion and relegation. If it works in Darmstadt, Hesse it can work in Gainesville. Both situations and cities are directly comparable. As a matter of fact, the only reason why Gainesville doesn’t have a professional team is because there’s no chance of that team playing in Major League Soccer. We could be the Eintracht Braunschweig of the American Premier League.”

After watching a YouTube video on the league structure of Germany for the 200th time, Feldman became so entranced by the idea and identity that being an advocate of promotion and relegation allows him that he talked about quitting school to focus on spreading the message.

“I’m just going to start a twitter account and YouTube channel that will really allow me to reach everyone and let soccer fans here know that they are just communists. We need to stop subsidizing soccer and let the free market figure things out. I’ve started reading this book by an unknown novelist named Ayn Rand that talks about how it’s the responsibility of teams to only care about their own happiness which I’ve interpreted as being market value, branding and corporate profits. We need capitalism in our soccer structure and not socialism. All teams should have a fair ability to generate the most capital for their structured shareholders and… you know… the fans.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Feldman attempts to discover his own voice in the crowded online landscape.

Supporter In Local Grocery Store Narrowly Avoids Talking To Stranger He Recognizes From Game

Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United supporter Gunnar Svenson stated that, as he shopped at the Cub Foods on Lyndale Ave, he narrowly avoided talking to a stranger that he recognized from recent Minnesota United games.

“It was a bit of a dodge and weave,” stated Svenson to The Nutmeg News. “I saw him in the aisle buying pop and I was going to buy some myself so I quickly wheeled the shopping cart around and headed for quite literally anywhere else. This is essentially how I ended up bringing home 3 tubes of cinnamon rolls, bacon and fluid for my oil lamp.”

Svenson stated that he didn’t want to try to make small talk with someone with whom he has only exchanged glances.

“Oh sure, small talk, yeah, no… hell no. Look, we shared a high five once and we do that nod thing… right? So there’s no way I’m getting past him in an aisle. All we know about each other is that we attend the same sport and typically stand in the supporters section. Where do you even start? I’m not about to bring up the game, and if I don’t its just going to be the both of us staring at our feet trying to figure out when we can get out of a conversation.”

Friends state that Svenson typically doesn’t have a problem making friends, but that his introvert tendencies have problems when two of his interests collide.

“Oh sure, you bet… I like to keep it separate. I have my soccer life, my soccer friends and then I have that time where I’m buying anti-diarrhea medicine and clif bars. I’d rather not combine the two.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Svenson attempts to avoid eye contact with a woman he knows from games while riding the bus.

Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps Take Turns Reading Entries From Team Burn Book

VANCOUVER - Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps players reportedly took turns reading from a newly discovered team Burn Book during a hyperbolic and shameful press conference on October, 30th.


Reporter Juliet Lee brought up the locker room chemistry for the Whitecaps before she was interrupted by an apoplectic Kendall Waston who declared the team situation poisonous after discovering the anonymous book. The defender howled about the Whitecaps lockeroom being a powderkeg of unchecked emotions, teenage hormones and locker room cliques.

“Kei is SUCH a drama queen,” stated Kendall Waston as he furiously licked his index finger and turned the page while reading from the book that allegedly contains all the team secrets. “He sat at the cafeteria with Cristian when he was SUPPOSED to sit at the table with Jake. And his hair is terrible too. Nicolás never passes the ball either and everyone knows it.”

All the team secrets were subsequently revealed as Waston read hot takes on Russel Teibert, Felipe, and Brek Shea who was likened to a preening geoduck ready for market. Meanwhile, a sad Russel Teibert was taken off stage while calling for team unity by Nicolás Mezquida who claimed to have seen a tall shadow leaving the locker room before the book was discovered by Waston.

Whitecaps midfielder Effy Juarez decried the usage of a Burn Book calling it sophomoric and stating that if he had his way that the player who created it would be paraded in front of the entire Whitecaps front office at the next school assembly.

The Nutmeg News reached out to forward Kei Kamara who declared the team locker room to be exactly like Heathers and not Mean Girls because it’s the reference he is more comfortable understanding at 34 years old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we quickly determine that no one in the front office of the Whitecaps will be held to blame for the toxicity of the locker room.

Orlando City Fan Carves Away Record On Pumpkin For Jack-O'-Lantern Contest

Orlando, FL - In an effort to win the Orlando City scary pumpkin carving contest, local fan Jasmine Gutierrez carved the Orlando City Soccer Club away record of 2 wins and 15 losses on her pumpkin as she prepared to win.


“This is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “Playing 17 games on the road and losing 15 of them is absolutely terrifying.”

Insider sources with the team state that there is no possibility that Gutierrez’s pumpkin will win given the embarrassing record, however they stated, “Good god, we’d really just like to forget that, ok?”

For her part, Gutierrez is hopeful for 2019 as she stated, “I’m looking forward to only losing 14 games on the road next year. It’s going to be a tough goal, but it is realistic, at least.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez gets a call from her season ticket representative about taking the MLS Fan Conduct classes in order to retain her season ticket rights.

Child Forced To Change Halloween Costume To "Portable MLS Playoff Game" Teletubby

Philadelphia, PA - With the upcoming Philadelphia Union playoff game scheduled at 7:00 pm on Halloween, Philadelphia Union fan Bill Hastings unequivocally stated that his 4 year old daughter Olivia would now be going as a“Portable MLS Playoff Game” Teletubby named “Doopy Doopy” as he threw away her Darth Vader costume for something that he quickly began assembling.


“You’ll be pulling this generator filled with gas that will power a 20 inch LCD monitor that I’ve configured to hang around your shoulders and waist,” stated Hastings. “I’ve sewn in a Raspberry Pi circuitboard into your costume that will allow me to stream from my phone to the television that is under your costume for as long as the generator will hold out. and I’m using Raspberry Pi W so I’ll use the wireless on my phone to cast the game.”

Reportedly, this quick change in costume did not sit well with 5 year old Olivia Hastings who stated, "Dad, I"m too old for teletubbies. I want to be Darth Vader."

However, Hastings insisted in the costume change as he told his child, “Look, it’s not my fault the league schedules the playoffs on Halloween. Daddy still wants to go trick or treating, but he just needs Doopy Doopy to walk backwards and pull this generator while we are out getting candy. It’s not that complicated and NO whining.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings tries to create a drone to airlift him beers at every house he visits.

The Business Casuals Schedule Punch Up With Happy Hour Lads For Rights To Perry Ellis

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York supporters group The Business Casuals reportedly scheduled a punch up with the Happy Hour Lads for the rights to wear Perry Ellis after a meetup at Ulysses Folk House ended up with a challenge given and accepted.


“We took those lads to the dry cleaners,” stated Casuals member Prescott Harold Rightson Jr. “They came in with their pressed chinos, their boat shoes, and their Macy’s discount knockoff Perry Ellis and we filed a cease and desist order on the spot. Only my gang runs in those colors. If you come correct at me, bruv, you better be sporting the periwinkle slim fit check shirt of The Business Casuals.”

People on the scene indicate that the two supporters groups of New York City FC met up for an informal meet and greet at Ulysses as it was decided to be neutral ground between Dorrian's (the home bar of The Business Casuals) and Mad Dog & Beans (the home bar of the Happy Hour Lads).

“They exchanged business cards, first, with several of the Happy Hour Lads admiring the raised and embossed lettering of The Business Casuals,” stated bartender Carlotta Franklin of JP Morgan. “It was then that the trouble happened.”

According to Ms. Franklin, Happy Hour Lads member Charles Banks Evans walked in wearing a checked Perry Ellis shirt with personalized cuff-links and a bow-tie which reportedly was an affront to the aesthetic sensibilities of The Business Casuals who immediately fired a witty rejoinder towards the genealogy of Mr. Evans as it relates to his possibly Irish blood.

“Things were tense, but I told the boys that if they wanted to fight, they would have to do it in a court of law or outside in the sick that the guys from Goldman Sachs desposited in the alleyway down the street.”

It was then that the challenge was given for a no bats, no guns, no monogramed flasks fight between The Business Casuals and the Happy Hour lads.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the two cannot agree to a time frame for the fight that actually works with their schedule and allows everyone to attend because Thomas has meetings at 8, 9, 11:30 and 4:00 on Mondays, the game is Sunday, everyone is expected to come in on Saturday, Randall is travelling to DC next week and there’s an all hands meeting on Tuesday followed by individual evaluations for the 3rd quarter.

Austin Bold Considering Move To Columbus

Austin, TX - Austin Bold, the new United Soccer League (USL) expansion team, indicated that while they remain bullish for their success in the Austin area that they are considering a move to Columbus, Ohio if they are unable to obtain a foothold in the community.

It’s better than Helvetica United

It’s better than Helvetica United

“We remain thoroughly invested in the Austin community,” stated Austin Bold press secretary Travis Wells. “However, we reserve the right to explore other communities that may be more receptive to our situation.”

Insiders say that the executives for Austin Bold are concerned that with the possibility of a Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise that they will have an issue pulling a crowd in a city that has been relatively lukewarm for local soccer teams in the past.

“They are absolutely terrified,” stated one anonymous insider. “At this point they are exploring playing in Mapfre Stadium if the Columbus Crew get another downtown stadium built. All options are on the table.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin Bold consider a re-brand to Tahoma Bold Faux Italic.

Atlanta United Fans Prepare For Biggest Club Transition Since Not Having A Team Two Years Ago

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fans were reportedly preparing for the biggest club transition since not having a team two years ago as rumors continued to swirl that head coach Tata Martino will be leaving the side at the end of the year.


“Oh god, it’s like …… um……………………. well……. ok, I guess I don’t really have any kind of historical nostalgia to fall back on,” stated Atlanta United fan Hector Gomez.

Fans of Atlanta United have been nervously awaiting this day since the team started playing well last year as it became obvious that if they kept it up that Tata Martino would be a wanted man.

“I was worried about this in January,” stated Atlanta United fan Shondra Evans. “We played so well last year, I just knew that if we played well this year he might go somewhere. And now that somewhere is somewhere else and that time is now and I guess I’m just going through my first broken heart with this team.”

Dissident fan Travis Brown stated that he was fine with Martino leaving because, “I’m just saying man, he hasn’t gotten it done in the playoffs. In the entire history of this team we’ve never ONCE made MLS Cup. This is some bullshit. It’s time for new blood. TATA OUT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to inflame the passions of fans in the area.

Soccer Game Interrupts Vulnerability Remediation And Patching Summit

VANCOUVER - A soccer game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Sporting Kansas City interrupted a vulnerability remediation and patching summit between sysads of three different Vancouver based companies on Wednesday night.


“Look, all I’m saying is that the fourth quarter patching cycle is limping along towards the year end compliance goals as it relates to… um… WHAT THE FUCK, NERWINSKI,” stated Sasha Milovacic.

“Yeah, um… I was fully in a Tomcat/Java patching hell and I’m never not going to be… um…. HEY BREK, THE END OF THE SEASON IS NEAR. THANKS,” stated Atsushi Yamamoto.

Milovacic, Yamamoto and good friend Carla Cordeiro spent most of the second half talking about their respective professions as they unburdened themselves to each other about the mundane hell of vulnerability remediation, patching, production environments and linux environments.

“I didn’t even have access to upgrade my RHEL6 servers to RHEL7 because the network policy won’t all….. HEY GODDAMMIT BOYS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE,” stated Ms Cordeiro to no one in particular as the Whitecaps gave up another goal and she took another drink of the $9.25 beer that she nursed.

According to fans around the trio, they spent most of the second half talking because the game was a dumpster fire, they had season tickets and at this point they might as well drink, complain and endure.

“I’d be doing it to if I had someone to talk to about Oracle security upgrades,” stated administrator Frank Devon who admitted to not remembering what it was like to feel joy at games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all three of the sysads agree that at least they aren’t assigned a Perl application to support for the rest of their life.

Brave Hero Travels Internet Reminding People They Can't Really Enjoy Rooney's Goal Because It's MLS

INTERNET - Brave internet hero George “zerocool” Williams reportedly traveled the internet yesterday evening performing a heroic civic duty of reminding everyone that they shouldn’t enjoy the Wayne Rooney free kick goal because it was scored in Major League Soccer (MLS).

“Keeper shoulda had it,” stated Williams to 128 different Twitter accounts who gleefully tweeted out the gif of Rooney’s goal only to have their night ruined by Williams in one fell swoop. “The standard of goalkeeping in this league is so bad that it’s not really a surprise. How on earth you could enjoy this shit is beyond me. The standard is abysmal. It’s probably not even amateur level in Hampstead Heath.”

Williams kept to his guns despite extreme pressure from outside Twitter accounts who labeled him a troll as he boldly ensured that no one on the internet would enjoy this goal in peace.

“Terrible league and really it wasn’t that special,” stated Williams to @Red2706 a 12 year old boy in Baltimore who idolizes Wayne Rooney. “You should be watching good players in good leagues and not this trash stuff.”

Williams didn’t limit his efforts to Twitter as he also logged on to Facebook in order to ensure that everyone would understand that their reaction to this free kick goal should be restrained and muted disapproval of the goalkeeping, defense and overall league intensity.

“I don’t know how you could watch this and not understand that it would be saved by 99% of goalkeepers in the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, and even the Eredivisie,” ranted Williams to a Facebook group to which he was just admitted. “The fact that you think this goal is special is just proof that you don’t watch enough soccer.”

For his part, Williams intends to continue his crusade until he ruins the enjoyment of every special moment that any fan of the beautiful game could possibly have.

“I have standards and while they may be high…. the very fact that you would ask me why I would do this shows that you just don’t understand the game at my level. Wayne’s goal was like the Star Wars prequels and the sequels and really Star Wars in general. Utter Trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more no this as Williams breaks down why this goal was nothing special on his YouTube page, blog, Twitter account, Reddit account, Facebook account and shouting at strangers on street corners around the world.