Man Migrates Prized Collection Of StubHub Soccer Ticket Receipts During Email Transition

DALLAS - Soccer fan Randall Williams stated that he was most concerned with his prized collection of StubHub soccer ticket receipts as he finally works on the migration of his email off Hotmail to Gmail, on Thursday.

Oh! the memories are flooding back of .... um.. wait... I need to view and print... ok, why is this having an issue. Dammit, ok,... it opened in a new window? Or, maybe my adblockier? It's gotta be my ad-blocker, except it worked last week. No, look it is still on my phone from the last time I forwarded it except fo.... oh wait, look it's a text from Donald. Hey DON! HOWS IT GOING BUDDY WINKYEMOTICON. Nice... ok, back to the tickets... yeah, memories... man.

"Look, this is my ticket for USA v Trinidad," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News after fumbling around for 5 minutes trying to get the search function to work. "Here's my ticket for MLS Cup 2018 and 2016 and 2015. I tried to figure out how to get Michael Bradley to sign my electronic ticket receipt, but I couldn't seem to get Adobe Acrobat to work fast enough to allow Michael to create an electronic signature so that I could paste it into the ticket."

Williams collection of tickets spans to a pre-electronic age when he created shadowboxes to mount his ticket stubs from his tour across America of professional baseball stadiums.

"With soccer it's mostly done online, these days," stated Williams. "I just gotta keep the memories alive with my StubHub receipts. Hopefully I can figure out a digital way to mount these so I can see them and not keep finding them in my search when I'm trying to find a new ticket for a new game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams inadvertently designates all StubHub related email as spam that should be deleted.

General Allocation Money Seeking Fresh Start In Toronto

TORONTO - Toronto FC, on Tuesday, announced that they acquired General Allocation-Money from DC United in an effort to give the league financial asset a fresh start in the midfield of the MLS Champions.

"I've been looking forward to this move for the past few weeks," stated General Allocation-Money to The Nutmeg News. "I don't want to talk out of turn, but I wasn't being utilized properly by Ben Olsen and the DC United front office."

Sources indicate that Mr Allocation-Money began seeking a fresh start after it became clear that D.C. United had no intention of using it during the 2017 or 2018 or 2019 season.

"GAM just needed a new start and a new perspective," stated Toronto FC manager Greg Vanney. "We plan on utilizing him extensively and we know that he can see the results we've had with other money in the past."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Allocation-Money finds it difficult to adjust to the Toronto real estate market.

"I'm Going To Really Pay Attention To The Mutiny This Season," States Emotionally Devastated Robert Kraft

Foxborough, MA - An emotionally devastated Robert Kraft stated, "I'm going to really pay attention to the Mutiny this season," as he decided to throw himself into the soccer team he owns as a way to get over the recent Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Source: The Krafts Are the Worst Owners in the League http://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/2014/03/25/bob-kraft-worst-owner-new-england-revolution/2/

In a tear stricken statement aboard his personal G650 jet to his personal assistant and valet Stephens, a devastated Kraft admitted that the only way to get over this personal failure was to throw himself full time into, "the Mutiny or whatever the hell the name of the team that I own is other than the Patriots."

Sources indicate that Kraft indicated a number of areas that he could improve, "The Mutiny," stating, "What they need is a used soda machine. My friend Bill has an excellent Patriots branded soda machine that I can get from him and it's only been used to store expired cream cheese for the past few months. I can also get them an official Tom Brady supplements and holistic reiki session as well with 5 free videos by Tom on how these supplements, along with a positive mental attitude, will result in dating a Supermodel."

As well, the Patriots owner stated that he plans on spending heavily in the transfer market as he allocated an additional $26 for players from South America, this season.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft attempts to look through the Revolution season preview before getting bored and putting on the 2017 Super Bowl highlights.

"Sports Are Very, Very, Very Serious Business" - Letter To The Editor

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hank Carmona of Petersburg, Virginia.

"Dear Nutmeg News,

I write to you today because I am a man. I have a penis. I have testicles. I know that sports are very, very, very serious business.

There is no humor in sports. There is no whimsy or cute.

There is only rugged, chiseled, strong men coated in mud playing under lights whilst old men in hounds-tooth hats smoke cigars and talk about the whishbone formation.

We must cleanse our palate of the idea of humor in sports. 

I WAS a soccer fan until I read your loathsome site and now I know categorically that soccer is terrible and I'm selling everything that I own and returning to only watching Football, a pure game.

You cannot make fun of things. Your website is trash. I am a man so I say these things with authority.

One cannot compare our sport of gladiators, in the NATIONAL: Football League (GOD BLESS AMERICA) with your puny sport that I used to love until I read this website.

One cannot write an article that seems so desperately cloying for hits. It's almost like you don't care at all about the public perception of your sport, which is shit anyway. Your sport is trash and you clearly know this and you are just reaching out in some endeavor to make yourself feel bigger. I am a man, I know this to be true.

You should understand your place in the hierarchy. We are all consumers hell bent upon ingesting slow motion shots from NFL films of the great Raiders teams. When you compare your sport to any other sport you fundamentally weaken your sport. As a representative of your sport you are responsible for every single recruitment effort made towards fans and because of this you show why soccer will never make it in the United States. This ill-advised femi-nazi article about the greatest GOD GIVEN GAME ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, the Superb Owl, will be the reason that no child will ever watch your loathsome game. 

In short, I am very uncomfortable with all of this and I make my legally allowed demand, as a man, for you to stop such comparisons, columns, articles and poor attempts at humor.

Kind regards to your mother Midred,

Hank Carmona

Husband Of World Champion Julie Ertz Wins Regional Sports Trophy

Minneapolis, MN - The husband of World Champion soccer player Julie Ertz won a regional sports trophy for American Football on Sunday evening as the Eagles of Philadelphia defeated the Patriots of New England 41 -33.

World Champion Ertz and an anonymous fan.

Soccer fans across the nation sent their support to Julie Ertz as they congratulated the success of the husband of the 2015 FIFA World Cup Champion and 2017 US Women's National Team player of the year.

"I'm really pleased for Julie," stated soccer fan Tom Coleman of Boston, MA. "She should be very happy about this development."

"Congratulations JULIE!" stated soccer fan James Murdoch of London, England. 

"It's nice to see that her husband is into sports," stated soccer fan Benjamin Duvall of Seattle, WA. "I know that some men fail to get the intricacies and nuances of team dynamics, and it must be nice to find a man that can keep up with her schedule."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as World Champion Julie Ertz begins the qualification cycle against international competition for the World Cup.

LA Galaxy Announce Partnership With RealPlayer

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy, today, announced a ground breaking partnership with digital media company RealPlayer for their streaming services during the 2018 and 2019 season.

"We wanted to be on the cutting edge of entertainment and sports," stated Pete Vagenas, vice president of soccer operations. "This partnership with RealPlayer, a leader in the digital video revolution on the information superhighway, will allow us the ability to reach shutins and loners that spend all their time online."

Insiders indicate that the Galaxy fluctuated between an offer from RealPlayer and an offer from Live365 with owner Philip Anschutz advocating heavily for the latter as he reportedly stated, "Radio is the future! And now it can be streamed online!!"

The Galaxy also announced a practice kit partnership with Winamp as Vagenas stated, "all of our supporters know that Winamp... well it really whips the llamas ass."

Details of the streaming partnership with RealPlayer indicate that supporters will need to sign a shockwave covenant stating that they will download the plug-in so that the service can function correctly.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Galaxy look into a  stadium sponsorship with the Atari Jaguar.

Timbers Season Clearly Doomed After 0-0 Pre-Season Game

Portland, OR - Viewers of the draw between the Earthquakes of San Jose and the Timbers of Portland indicate that the Portland Timbers 2018 season is clearly doomed after they lost 0-0.

"FUCK IT, I'M DONE," stated Timbers fan Ron Jayson. "We are so doomed, everything is shit. Let's just sell everyone and call it good."

According to soccer expert and part-time blogger Damien Farnsworth, the Timbers main problem was, "the defensive transition through all the zones that I can't quite recall right now but exist as soon as I get to a computer to look up what the zones are and how to phrase them correctly."

Fans in attendance say that the mood on the bench was grim as a lip reader stationed across the field with binoculous reported on twitter that,  "Savarese very upset, maybe. Or maybe he wasn't, I'm not sure, but it looks like he might have been upset. #rctid"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an upcoming victory in pre-season convinces Mr. Farsworth that the team will win MLS cup.

American Outlaws Capo In Chief Scrambles For Second Chant After USA-USA

WASHINGTON - The American Outlaws Capo In Chief, Donald Trump, reportedly scrambled for a second chant after kicking off USA-USA in the second half of the recent State Of The Union on Tuesday evening.

I BELIEVE

I BELIEVE THAT WE

I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN DEPORT THOSE KIDS!

President Trump stated that he worked with American Outlaws leadership to make, "The hugest American flag humping jingoistic patriotic dog pile you've ever seen since President Reagan defeated the Mexicans at the battle of WelFaire, TX"

The Capo in Chief reportedly struggled during the second half of the State Of The Union after Republican leadership came back drunk from half-time as he excoriated them to, "pogo for a wall," and, "put your hands up if you hate a minority."

Sources within the room indicate that President Trump ran with 7 Nation Army for 10 minutes before switching to a rest chant of USA-USA that took off like wildfire among the collected group of white men eagerly salivating to pull up the drawbridge laid down by their immigrant grandparents.

"We opened with Mow My Lawn before we transitioned into The Sombrero Song," stated Trump to his Secretary Of Dogwhistles Stephen Miller. "After we got out of The Sombrero Song I was going to go with Fake News followed by I Believe followed by The Wave followed by Build The Wall, but good ole Jim Mattis started 7 Nation Army and I had to pivot, bigly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone gets ready to chant USA-USA-USA at sporting events again this weekend to reaffirm the greatness of the greatest country in the world to deport children.

New Columbus Crew Season Ticket Flex Plan Includes Mid-Priced Option For Zero Games

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew announced, on Wednesday, that they were rolling out a new Crew season ticket flex plan that includes a mid-priced option with zero games for the 2018 season.

"We know our fans are upset," stated snake in the grass owner Anthony Precourt. "Therefore we are offering them the option of a flex plan that they can pay for with zero home games. It's an innovative leap into a new frontier of ticket plans for this league."

Insiders with the Crew state that the new Zero Flex Plan came about due to a number of fans stating they wouldn't renew their season tickets.

"Anthony said that if the fans don't come, they should at least pay him for the privilege," stated one anonymous sales rep. "He even offered the option of a full kick in the genitals as a bonus for signing up early, but we told him that the fans weren't going to pay to be kicked in the junk."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Zero Flex Plan catches fire across the league.

"No, There Isn't A Game Today," States Woman Wearing Team Scarf In Appropriate Weather

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United fan Lindsay Callahan stated, "No, there isn't a game today," for the 3rd time on Tuesday morning as she wore her Dark Clouds scarf in appropriate frigid weather on her commute to work.

Perfect scarf weather.... wait... Is there a game today?

Reportedly, Callahan took the extreme measure of wearing a warming piece of fabric around her neck that was clearly a soccer scarf, proving that the de-facto official gear of soccer fans in the United States is, in fact, actually useful for something during the offseason.

"It's cold outside and that means it is perfect time to wear a scarf," stated Callahan to The Nutmeg News. "It doesn't mean that I'm going to a game."

Sources within Callahan's office claim that they were confused about Callahan's fashion choice on the day claiming that she only used to wear scarves if there was a game, and they didn't think there was a game on a Tuesday but, "It's soccer... you never know... and go Vikings."

Due to Ms. Callahan's gender, Rod Yarrow (of accounting) spent a good 30 minutes looking at the schedule for Minnesota United before admitting that it appears Ms Callahan is correct and there is NOT a game today. Still as Mr Yarrow (a man) stated, "She has me all confused now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as co-workers wonder what Ms. Callahan will wear on "Team Jersey Friday" at the office.

MLS Miami Front Office To Take An Additional 10 Years To Decide On Team Colors

Miami, FL - With much fanfare, Miami was announced as a new Major League Soccer franchise on Monday although details on the new franchise were slim as the balloons dropped on billionaires and millionaires celebrating their new real estate development plan in the area somewhat close to the Miami core location.

(AFP / AFP/Getty Images)

"We are going to take 10 years, or so, to really work on the team colors before we even get started on an official name," stated MLS Miami talking head David Beckham. "We don't need to rush this process. Now that we are announced as being a team in the league we will work on eventually getting an identity."

Insider sources with the fledgling team indicate that no official name, colors, coach, or identity has been announced for the Miami team as the club prefers to let this happen organically over the course of a couple decades.

"We should be ready to play by 2120," stated Beckham to The Nutmeg News. "I don't want to rush the process. At some point in the next millennium we will be ready to go."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this ins 2120 as watchers of the new MLS super liga for the individual associated republics of the former United States note that MLS Miami still hasn't played a game.

US Soccer Ready To Raise Ticket Prices After, "Thrilling And Meaningful," 0-0 Draw

LOS ANGELES - After the 0-0 draw with Bosnia and Herzegovina ended on Sunday evening, an ecstatic Dan Flynn, CEO of US Soccer, stated that it was time to raise ticket prices again.

Look at all these suckers.

"After such an exciting, thrilling and meaningful 0-0 draw it is important for the federation to realize the demand for our product and adjust our ticket prices upward accordingly," stated Flynn to The Nutmeg News. 

"We've made it a policy to raise ticket prices nearly every year for every kind of game and these tune ups for World Cup 2022 are vitally important to the health of the game in this country."

Fans were, reportedly, thrilled by the moribund draw as one US fan stated, "I'm going to go back to the Goodwill and get my US kit that I donated after we were knocked out of qualifying for World Cup 2018! It's going to be amazing! I might even buy a kit for World Cup 2022 in a few days. I know they won't change that kit over the next 5 years so we should be good, there."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer doubles ticket prices for any upcoming "victory friendlies".

Doomsday Clock Moves To Two Minutes To Midnight As MLS Miami Nears Unveiling

CHICAGO - The Doomsday Clock, which symbolizes the current threat of global annihilation, was moved closer to midnight Thursday following the suggestion that Major League Soccer was getting closer to unveiling a franchise in Miami.

Carlos Valderrama? No? The Fusion? No? Anyone?

Invented in 1947, the clock was a way for scientists to demonstrate how close humanity was to destroying the world with dangerous technologies of its own making.

According to sources within the watchdog organization, the possibility of a MLS Miami unveiling after the Crew situation over the past year and the implosion of the NASL gave enough reason for the clock to be moved to 2 minutes to total annihilation.

"MLS Miami? Just think John Conner, the end of days and a giant comet all mixed into one," stated Scientist Jim Dade. "Personally I'm going to pull all my money out of t-bills, buy gold, find some ketamine and just stream Strange Days on repeat until we devolve into a technocratic police state where my body will be worth some gold pressed latinum."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as officials with the doomsday clock move the hand forward to 1 minute to midnight after Athletic Club Beckham Miami United FC is officially announced.

Man's Plan To Fix Soccer As Simple As," Overthrowing Capitalism On A Global Scale"

Portland, OR - Socialist political operative and soccer fan Howard Williams stated that his grand plan to fix the corporate influence of soccer in the United States was as simple as, "overthrowing Capitalism on a global level."

Stating, "Wave slavery is death," Williams ranted about the current set up of the market in the United States noting that, "Everything would be resolved if the people in charge voluntarily transferred all the power to the people, tomorrow. Things will be far better when leagues and the teams are owned and operated by the fans for the sake of the fans. Look, all we need to do is make the billionaires in charge of the system realize that they are harming the growth of the game! It's easy. I'm going to find out what Philip Anschutz address is and mail him a copy of Das Kapital. Once we get Philip turned, then we just need to work on Robert Kraft, Don Garber,  Sunil Gulati and whoever ends up replacing Eric Wynalda after he resigns in year 3."

Williams has long advocated for a total abandonment of the current systems of soccer in the United States and under his proposal he states that the countries of Canada, Mexico and the United States must be replaced and reformed while abolishing capitalism at a state government level doing away with borders and uniting into one super region and switching to a winter schedule to aline with FIFA dates. His timeline for this puts the revolution somewhere in 2024.

When asked how he will enable the revolution, Williams stated, "I'm going to start a Twitter account," as he continued on to say, "The people will throw off the yoke of the involvement of Coke in soccer when they get a load of my socialist cat memes! The proletariat will rise once again for the real redistribution of the assets in Das Superdraft."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams starts a blog to go along with his Twitter account.

Rec League Roundup: Perfectly Fine All-In-One Shinguards Reportedly, "Not Cool"

Toledo, OH - Rec league player Thomas Willis admitted that his perfectly fine all-in-one shinguards were, reportedly, not cool and needed to be replaced.

"I bought them at Wal-Mart two years ago when I joined the league, but they just aren't cool," stated Mr Millis to The Nutmeg News. "I realized this as I noticed that the guys who are really good on our team basically used a thin rolled up towel as a shinguard and they are great."

Friends say that Willis spent the last year pulling on the sock like all-in-one ankle and shin guard contraptions in private as he would furtively look over to see whether anyone noticed that he had MacGregor shinguards.

"These things kept me from looking cool, but they also kept me from doing cool things like that time that Dave flipped out on the ref, pulled out his shinguard and slammed it on the ground before getting sent off. Sure we lost the game 5-1 after that, but it was cool as shit," stated Mr. Willis.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Willis gets explained, for the fifth time, that no one is looking at his shinguards.

Neil deGrasse Tyson Announces Return To New York Cosmos

NEW YORK - A sweaty Neil deGrasse Tyson announced his return to the New York Cosmos, on Monday, as he posted a shot of himself getting back in shape for the upcoming Cosmos season.

The versatile defender admitted that during the offseason he put on some pounds but was ready to, "Defend the Cosmos and ensure that the opposition will be defeated at all costs."

Sources indicate that the Cosmos were thrilled to have Tyson on the backline, but cautioned the long time defender that he will be expected to provide more physical play as he can't solely rely upon his intellect to solve the problems that will be approaching him.

"We need Neil to really get out there and hit someone," stated Cosmos Chairman Rocco B. Commisso. 

A provision for Tyson's return to the Cosmos was that he reduce the amount of time he tweets and spend more time in the weight room limiting the damage done to the Cosmos back line by long diagonal balls.

Mr. Tyson stated that actually the real problem last season was the Cosmos inability to finish their scoring chances in the 18.

Fans Ready To Welcome Players From The Superdraft To Their USL Affiliates For 1 To 2 Years

Fans across Major League Soccer are reportedly ready to welcome players acquired from the Superdraft for their MLS team to their USL affiliate teams for 1 to 2 years as the hype for the Superdraft hit an all time high.

"We are talking about some great value for Bethlehem Steel before they end up playing for Rochester," stated Philadelphia Union fan David Throne. 

"I can't wait to remember that he is on the team when I turn on a stream from Rio Grande Valley FC," stated Houston Dynamo fan Erica Stewart.

"I predict 4 goals, 3 assists and at least 30 articles written about him on Sounder At Heart," stated Seattle Sounders fan Paul Isaacs.

"I'm already planning on starting a sub-fan group solely based on his hair," stated LA Galaxy fan Bill Reynolds.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these new recruits are showered with welcomes after they are drafted.

New Fan Shocked To Find That Soccer Is A Game And Not Just Legal/Political Maneuvering

Sandy Springs, GA - New soccer fan Karina Quisenberry was, reportedly, shocked to find out that soccer is actually a physical game played on a field and not just legal/political maneuvering.

Oh Kessler you..... you've got what I need..... so you say you'll litigate... so you say you'll litigate OH KESSLER YOU.

"I started following soccer when I heard about the NASL lawsuit against the US Soccer Federation," stated Quisenberry to The Nutmeg News. "As a political wonk, it seemed like this was another thing for me to follow much like I pay attention to C-SPAN when there are debates in the Senate."

Quisenberry stated that she was delighted to find out that there was a number of actual "soccer teams" that were close to her after originally having only a rooting interest in the maneuvering of attorney Jeffrey Kessler. 

"I'm excited to watch an actual game. It must be something in order to have this much that surrounds the game although I must admit that I'll be sad to see the current season of politics end. I don't know who will win this current winter schedule of legal filings, but I'm intrigued by the possiblility of a new season of political wrangling in South Florida."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Quisenberry tries to find a way to purchase any team gear for the lobbyists that are working on behalf of a new stadium in Miami.

EDITORIAL: Our Endorsement For USSF President

When this publication convened our board of directors to speak out on the current election for US Soccer Federation President we looked at the best possible scenario for the Presidency of the US Soccer Federation (USSF) and whom we thought would be best steward of the game. As such, we make the following recommendation.

For the first time in the 110 years of this publications history our editors unanimously endorsed nuking the whole thing from orbit and going back to watching soccer from afar.

We reached this decision lightly and with virtually no forethought after being added into an unbidden discussion about the qualification of soccer journalism, promotion/relegation, and what can only be called egomaniacal dick measuring in our Twitter mentions over the last few days.

Our board of directors, editors and writers announced that the only true thing that is 100% factual about soccer in the United States is that it is played in that country.

We endorse the option of nuking it all from orbit and going back to that time when your Uncle Vito brought back the pink pages of Gazzetta dello Sport and you had no clue how to pronounce Juventus.

Thank you,

The Editorial Staff of The Nutmeg News

Prospect Schedules Starbucks Interview For After NWSL Draft

Philadelphia, PA - Highly scouted women's soccer prospect Claire Reynolds stated that she scheduled her interview to be a Barista with Starbucks for 1:00 pm on Thursday, so as not to interfere with the NWSL Draft.

Expected to go in the first 15 picks of the draft, Reynolds stated that she knows she can't depend upon the league to provide a financial future for herself and is planning for multiple career options.

"If I don't get on the United States national team in a few years I'm not going to make any money," stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. "So I'm going to ensure that I'm positioned to make money during the NWSL season so I can afford a call-up if I get one, and this way I can have a secondary income stream when I get tired of trying to live off $15,000 for the year."

Reynolds states that she has already prepared her body for eating whatever food is available with the money that she has left after state taxes, government taxes, housing and bills leave her with less than $15 a day.

"It's important to be flexible. I need to ensure that I can have a career with Starbucks and I'm going against people that graduated from La Salle with a degree in English, so it won't be easy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Reynolds fails to get the job as she doesn't have enough coffee experience.