"EVENTUALLY There's Going To Be A Good Western Conference Playoff Game," States Soccer Fan At Slot Machine

Reno, NV - Soccer fan and degenerate gambler Terry "Fuzer" Huser stated, "EVENTUALLY there's going to be a good western conference playoff game," as he continued to hit spin on his Kitty Glitter slot machine.

YOU ALWAYS DOUBLE DOWN.

Huser was adamant in his belief that eventually, if he kept watching, there would be a Western Conference Playoff game that wasn't hot garbage as he continued to be one of the 24 people nationwide to watch the Houston/Portland and Seattle/Vancouver series to the final kick.

"They can't all be terrible games. Eventually somethings gotta give," stated Huser as he took a long drag from his vape and looked wistfully at a pack of American Spirits to his left. "The east? Great games. Even the worst game from the east is better than every game from the western conference combined. But I know that watching them is going to pay off. Eventually it is going to come up my number. I'm going to win, because I'm a winner. It's going to happen, right? Right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Huser spends his final $200 on Kitty Glitter and moves over to the Blazing 7s machine because that one has all the luck.

Moyes Appointment To West Ham Excites American Who Can't Locate West Ham On Map

Topeka, KS - "It has to be west of East Ham," stated new Hammers fan and David Moyes advocate Jim Watson who attempted to place the location of the London club somewhere in the north of England for some reason. 

"I'm very excited for Moyes. I think he will get the best out of Chicharito," stated Watson to The Nutmeg News. "He was a Manchester manager. I think he is going to be great. It's going to take us to the top of the league again. Now, I just need you to tell me. Is there a North Ham on this map?"

Watson spent 30 minutes agonizing over the various locations in the Devon area before settling on the fact that West Ham is definitely not Devon, or vice versa. However, he remained upbeat about the chances of the Hammers with Moyes at the helm as he boldly predicted, "I think we will be making it into the playoffs with Moyes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Watson gingerly circles a push pin around Berwick-upon-Tweed.

Cardboard Cutout Of Precourt Only Has Three Pieces Of Clothing Left

Columbus, OH - The cardboard cutout of Crew owner Anthony Precourt only has three pieces of clothing left upon it as the Crew continue to use the disgraced owner as fodder for their playoff run.

It's only a matter of time.

"We needed something to galvanize this team and the fact that Precourt is trying to move all of the players and the staff and abandon Columbus was a pretty strong motivator," stated team insider Bragg Gerhelter. "We decided to rip off Major League because it's essentially the same thing, at this point. Every time we win a game and get closer to MLS cup, we remove a piece of clothing."

Gerhelter stated that he isn't certain why this is a motivator for the players but that the prospect of winning MLS Cup as a final thank you to Columbus is something that continues to be relevant.

"We don't have to have a reason why this makes sense, we just need to keep winning. Because the only thing that is keeping soccer in Columbus is the Crew winning and the fans supporting."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tom Berenger asks if the Crew could use a midfielder.

Kyle Martino's Hair Yet To Announce If It Will Also Run For USSF President

NEW YORK - After Kyle Martino announced his bid for US Soccer Federation (USSF) President, his glorious hair stated that it was yet to make a decision on a run for the vaunted position.

"How do you feel about the recent USSF/NASL news?"

"I've got a lot of things on my plate," stated Martino's Hair. "What with trips to get softly caressed to maintain my bounce, appointments to ensure that my locks are bathed in only the finest cleansers, styling mousse and wax consultancy with Loreal, and opportunities to speak on the Syrian refugee crisis... It's a busy time."

Often the highlight of the commentary and pundit team on NBC Sports, Martino's hair carries considerable weight while still looking fresh, upright, bouncy and verdant.

"Of course I want to see the best for the soccer nation, but I have legacy of great hair to follow," stated Martino's Hair. "We must work together to ensure that people don't forget how great hair can make great men, and we must work to end the food crisis in Venezuela. If Kyle want's to go off to the USSF fight, I understand that.... but with great hair, comes great power."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martino's Hair announces a new autobiography titled "My Roots."

Supporter Claims He Absolutely Can Quit The Cosmos Any Time He Wants

NEW YORK - Claiming, "I can absolutely quit the Cosmos any time I want," supporter Derrin Gutiérrez continued to lie to himself as he finished his 7th year of finding a way to always support the NASL side.

We just like this picture.

"I'm absolutely capable of immediately stopping any time I want," lied Gutiérrez to concerned friends who attempted to convince him to just support Club America. "It would be easy. I could just walk out and throw out all my merchandise, stop watching the team and never go see another game again," lied Gutiérrez who had no intention of doing of what he just stated.

"How could you let this happen," stated friend Dominic Wilson who attempted to convince Gutiérrez that it wasn't worth his time to support the NASL side. "If you go back to them again in 2018, I'm done. I just can't support you continuing with this team."

Despite the ultimatum, Gutiérrez continues to enjoy the Cosmos experience despite not knowing what is going to happen in 2018 as he claimed, "I have to spend time with the Cosmos in order to be social. I'm not addicted. It's my release. It's my church. It's where my family and friends are every weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez stashes a little Cosmos merchandise behind his nightstand, just so he can have a taste... just in case.... y'know... if he needs a reminder of Raul before he goes to sleep.

Soccer Reporter Temporarily Forgets He Is About To Lose His Job While Filing Post Game Report

Seattle, WA - Soccer reporter Bryce Harper admitted that he temporarily forgot about the fact that he is about to lose his job while in the act of filing his game report after the Vancouver Whitecaps - Seattle Sounders playoff game finished.

"I actually forgot that I'm participating in a dead industry that is quickly turning into ashes while my career options dwindle," stated Harper to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "I managed to get caught up with finishing my story about the Sounders progressing in the playoffs and totally forgot the fact that in the next three months, or so, I'm going to actually have to figure out if I need to move out of my apartment because I can't find any writing jobs and my application with the Shell gas station on Broadway was rejected for having too much experience."

Harper stated that when he was racking up student debt going through journalism school he didn't anticipate a time when the career choice that he passionately pursued was going to whither and die in front of his eyes.

"Most of my friends have already been let go from their positions, moved to other departments or left the city in an attempt to find more opportunities elsewhere," stated Harper. "I just don't even know, anymore, if sports writing exists except for a few people on the league payrolls. I don't even know why I like soccer anymore. I find myself hating the games I have to attend, the leagues that won't give you any quotes, the grind of publishing and the long hours with the possibility of being fired randomly on a Thursday."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Harper tries to figure out if he can transition into grant writing or if he should just go to nursing school.

Son Of Crew Cat Holds Resurrection Seance For Father Killed By Precourt Sports

Columbus, OH - Before the NYCFC - Columbus Crew playoff game, the Son Of Crew Cat held a resurrection seance in the MAPFRE Stadium parking lot in an attempt to summon the zombie body of his father, Crew Cat, to exact revenge for his death over 2 years ago.

"And I will strike down upon thee with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Son Of Crew Cat when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Original Photo - Adam Cairns - Columbus Dispatch

"BLOOD MUST FLOW BEFORE MY ANGER WILL BE QUENCHED," stated Son Of Crew Cat. "My fathers will be done and his legacy will be restored. Vengeance will be mine!"

Son Of Crew Cat only knows that his father disappeared in 2015 due to the orders of Precourt Sports Venture, a venture capitalist firm specializing in pimping.

"Precourt is the one responsible. He must take the blame. He will give me the answers," stated a belligerent Son Of Crew Cat to The Nutmeg News. "I will be the fist of revenge, boldly speaking out for my dead father. Long may Crew Cat Live!"

The Nutmeg News will have more when Son Of Crew Cat has fun storming the castle.

Disappointed Columbus Crew Ownership Bemoans Playoff Win

Columbus, OH - The owner of the Columbus Crew, Anthony Precourt, stated that he was disappointed in the 4-1 victory over NYCFC and disappointed in the referees who clearly were biased against NYCFC.

"This game was rigged against NYCFC and I intend on voicing my protest against the Columbus Crew win," stated the owner of the Crew. "NYCFC were the better team and that red card was just a love tap. I don't even see how you can toss someone out for an elbow. What is an elbow? It's like complaining about an arm, or a leg."

Precourt was reportedly not worried about angry fans chanting against his ownership as he stated, "Fuck those guys, their team and their town," and called down to the field to tell Gregg Berhalter to pull half the team away from their defensive responsibilities for a talk about wonderful condominiums available around Lake Travis.

"This game was a farce. Columbus deserved nothing. I'm having my team collect the tapes and show them back at the commissioners office to examine how Columbus was always offside on their goals, and that at least 5 players should have red cards on their team. Don will understand.... he always does."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Precourt demands that the Crew lose game 2 in New York.

Neutral Now Convinced Of The Benefit Of A Single Knockout Playoff System

Tampa, FL - Soccer fan and neutral observer Jaime Hendrickson stated that he was now convinced on the benefit of a single knockout playoff system after falling asleep watching the slugfest of the Vancouver Whitecaps and the Seattle Sounders.

"Is it over? Can I go back to watching Stranger Things 2, now?" asked Hendrickson to his cat Leeroy. "Ugh, I can't wait for the Premiership to come back next weekend. This sucks."

Reportedly, Hendrickson long advoctated for the home and away two-legged system of playoffs until the Seattle/Vancouver drudgery at which point he realized he didn't need another 90 minutes of watching this game. 

"Yeah, just no. I don't need another 90 minutes of this. As a matter of fact, if the other games are anything like this than I understand EXACTLY why television ratings for this league are poop."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next Vancouver/Seattle game is terrible as well.

"Oh God.... Not Another 30 Minutes Of This," States Everyone Watching This Game

The entirety of soccer fans watching the Houston Dynamo play Sporting Kansas City sighed deeply and stated, "Oh god.... not another 30 minutes of this," as they wondered if they could just get to the penalty kicks this game deserves.

"I have things to do, why the hell am I watching this," stated 30% of soccer fans watching the game.

"Ok, screw this," stated another 10% of the soccer fans watching the game.

"DEAR GOD MAKE IT END," stated another 20% of soccer fans watching the game.

The Nutmeg News will have less on this because..........ugh............ look.... It won't rain all the time, see that's a quote from The Crow. Let's talk about that. You folks remember The Crow? There's been a discussion among the writers here about whether the movie holds up. Not that the production values are bad, but what does it say about us a society that we've just accepted this goth industrial phase happened and then stopped happening but for a select few.

Everyone loves Kung Fu, though. EVERYONE. WHO DOESN'T?

Anyway, another really bad tackle. Oh great. There's more of this shit? DEAR SWEET DEITY ABOVE JUST END THIS. 

Wait, Houston doesn't have any subs left until extra time? Bet this makes a difference...........and it doesn't.................. sigh.

Chicago Fire To Move To Austin, Texas

Insider sources within the league state that the ownership group of the Chicago Fire, Andell Holdings, alongside the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, filed a motion to move the Chicago Fire to Austin, Texas in 2019.

"We didn't have the turnout we expected at the last playoff game," stated owner Andrew Hauptman. "So I've decided to exercise a clause that I had in my Fire ownership contract that states that I can move the Fire to Austin, Texas if we have a playoff game with less than 15,000 people."

Averaging only 2,000 more people a game in 2017 than Austin Crew United, the Austin Fire admitted that they were disappointed with their season and eager to move.

"This is all the fans fault," stated Hauptman. "We blame them. If the fans were better, this wouldn't be a big issue."

When asked for a comment on Hauptman's statement, Don Garber stated, "Andrew is correct. This is all the fans fault and if the Fire wants to move to Austin, we will let them. We could use 2 teams in Texas. It's a big state without any soccer, currently."

10's of local Austin soccer fans turned out on the internet in response to the news that the Fire were moving to Austin as they claimed the city could absolutely support two MLS clubs.

"Despite losing our club, twice," stated Austin soccer fan Yancey Thiggins. "We are absolutely ready for two Major League Soccer clubs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andell Holdings looks to see if this is even possible.

MLS Confirms That Houston/KC Game Will Be A Tables, Ladders And Chairs Match

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, confirmed that the Houston Dynamo/Sporting Kansas City game will be a tables, ladders, and chairs match as the battle for supremacy in the Western Conference gets real.

It's Feilhaber..... HE'S AT THE TOP.... WHATS HE GOING TO DO........ Oh..... MAH.... GOD.....

"We felt like a game like this deserved a main event, and there's no main event bigger than our Tables, Ladders and Chairs matchup," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot.

"Fans are coming out for the spectacle, so anything goes. We want to see that high flying action and we hope that SKC v Dynamo will bring in people who want to see high octane and punishing soccer."

Abbot stated that the league has been expanding it's reach into previously forbidden territory after the success of their, "Hell In A Cell," mid-season matchup of RBNY v NYCFC.

"It's in our best interest to be on the cutting edge of soccer, and Tables, Ladders, and Chairs allows us to innovate in a way that hasn't been seen before, except the last time we did  it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ike Opara scores a scorpion kick goal while swan diving off the top of a ladder.

Chicago Fire Eliminated From 2017 World Cup

CHICAGO - Giving up 4 goals to the New York Red Bulls, the Chicago Fire were knocked out of the 2017 World Cup being unable to claim the trophy in the first year of the career of promising youth player Bastian Schweinsteiger.

40 is the new 15

"We are disappointed in the way the season ended," stated head coach Veljko Paunović. "However, we hope that we can come back next season and try to win the World Cup in Russia."

With the Fire eliminated from World Cup 2017, local fans are exploring their heritage to see if there are other teams they can root for, in good conscience.

"My grandfathers first wife was from Vancouver, originally, so I guess I can go for them," stated Fire fan David Hastings. "I don't know, I might just take the rest of the tournament off and wait for England to lose on penalties next year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this next season as the Fire, once again, attempt to claim world football's greatest prize.

"There's Still Time For Them To Screw This Up," States Red Bull Fan

NEW YORK - At a friends watch party five seconds ago, New York Red Bull fan Sylvia Hearst stated, "There's still time for them to screw this up," as the Red Bulls took a 3-0 lead over the Chicago Fire.

"I've been around. I've seen things. I'm not celebrating until the day AFTER the game," stated Hearst to her friends. "This is Metro we are talking about here. METRO. Please stop talking to me until after the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Hearst as she prepares for the loss as Red Bull cruise to a first round win.

Amateur Team's USOC Strategy Is To Win First Game And Forfeit Due To Travel Costs

Biloxi, MS - Amateur soccer team Mullet Lake United FC, stated that their preferred US Open Cup (USOC) strategy was to host and win their first game in the tournament, and forfeit the next game due to travel costs as they are unable to make a trip to North Carolina for their next game.

Don't break these cones! These are the only ones we have!

"Are you kidding me?" stated director, head coach, massage therapist, public relations manager, owner, goalkeeper and second foward Elliot Nelson. "We were missing a midfielder for the first game we played because he couldn't get the night shift off at Beau Rivage. There's no WAY we can afford to play in North Carolina."

Mullet Lake United reportedly thought about submitting a gofundme but their request was refused by the website due to an overwhelming number of US Open Cup teams already requesting funds for their early qualifiers.

"We were just too late to the party, but at least we had a historic victory," stated Nelson. "We are happy with our result and we gladly forfeit our right to the next team in hopes that we will have two home games next tournament."

The Nutmeg News will have more as this happens over and over, every year.

Atheist Timbers Fan Turns to Multiple Religions In Attempt To Have Portland Host MLS Final

Portland, OR - Savannah Cleary, a Timbers fan and outspoken atheist, found herself seeking divine assistance from every religion she can find in order to realize her dream of the Portland Timbers hosting the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup final at Providence Park.

Dear Jesus, Buddha, Gnisha, Pope, Satan, Jupiter or my astrological sign.

"I've never ever prayed before and have no idea what I’m doing," Ms. Cleary told The Nutmeg News, "but since we have such a long-shot chance of getting the MLS Final at home I figure I have to step up and try to do my part."

Currently, the Timbers would only host the MLS Final at home were the New York Red Bulls to make it to MLS Cup for the Eastern Conference.

We contacted Ms. Cleary to better understand her strategy to supernaturally circumvent this unfair parity and balancing.

"I'm mostly aiming for the big three," Cleary stated. "Jesus, Mohammad Ali, and that really weird Old Testament God. I got a cow and a few sheep from a contact at my local farmers market, and I'm planning on sacrificing them this weekend to cover the latter. I'm also planning on praying for forgiveness from the former for sacrificing the animals. I'm also branching out by going down the Catholic road and lighting some incense while wearing robes and listening to a Pink Martini version of Handel's Messiah, as well. In fact, I was going to give up praying to Mecca for Diwali, but then I realized that being in Portland if I pray towards Mecca I'm also facing Salt Lake City so I get a two-fer with that and check off Mormonism from my list."

We asked Cleary if she had any plans on petitioning any non-Abrahamic deities for blessings upon her team and she stated, "Actually, I have been working on unlocking all my chakras so I can gain enlightenment, ascend to nirvana, and petition the universe to let the Timbers play with the full power of the Timbers Army behind them, but I've got way too much hate for Seattle so that chakra is kind of stuck. I'm working on figuring out what I'm supposed to do with a scale model of Gnisha that I built in my loft, but repeat viewings of Major League made me confused whether I'm supposed to offer it rum."

Cleary admitted that some of her petitions may be ignored due to her previously atheistic tendencies, but she was committed to continuing despite her predeliction towards non-belief.

"Even though I’m totally clueless as to this whole religion thing I am really aware of the uselessness of praying to the generic stuff the Unitarian church puts out. But if my prayers don't get answered quickly I'm totally praying to the all-mother or the spirit of Jim Henson or whatever it is to which the Unitarians pray. I'll even try the old and the new gods from Game Of Thrones."

TNN was also able to speak to God who had the following to say, "All prayers for a Western Conference home game will be answered when a balanced schedule is formed in the MLS schedule. Until then my hands are tied."

High School Football Coach Assigned To Youth Soccer Team Relies Entirely On Motivational Quotes

Des Moines, IA - Local parents suspect that current high school football coach and assigned youth soccer coach Bo "Duke" Rodney is relying entirely upon motivational quotes and cliches to get through the season as his lack of specific game instruction indicates he may know absolutely nothing about the game.

No Pyro No Party

Parents indicate that current players on the Des Moines Arsenal United FC asked Rodney about whether they were going to play in mid-field or back in defense and Coach Rodney replied with, "It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be," before he drew a fly pattern on a whiteboard and stated, "Good, Better, Best. Never let it rest. Til your good is better and your better is best," and left the room.

Players also indicate that after a recent loss to West Des Moines Manchester United, Rodney gave a post game speech that started with, "Mistakes are proof that you are trying," followed by the closing statement, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

When he was asked whether he wanted attacking fullbacks, this season, Rodney stated, "In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can."

Parents in the community are pushing for Coach Rodney's dismissal from his coaching positions.

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Rodney about the dismissal efforts and the head coach stated, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

433rd Page Of NASL/USSF Lawsuit Documents Contains A Lovely Quiche Lorraine Recipe

NEW YORK - David Howard, a pipefitter and part-time, unpaid, soccer blogger, stated that he uncovered a lovely quiche lorraine recipe hidden on page 433 of the NASL Anti-trust lawsuit that will blow this whole lawsuit apart.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR QUICHE.

"Some amazing information in the NASL lawsuit documents," tweeted Howard from his account @SoccerExpertNYC. "There's a declaration about MLS trying to buy and kill the Cosmos brand, there's information about the relationship between the NASL and the USL, and there's a lovely Quiche Lorraine recipe hidden on page 433."

Reportedly, Howard stated that while he was first interested by the idea of MLS attempting to purchase and kill the Cosmos brand, he was more intrigued by the preparation that involved green onions over bacon, and then more bacon which really gives a lovely taste and texture to the Quiche.

"It's a delicious quiche, it really is," tweeted Howard to his account shortly after eating the NASL delight. "I just wish that this quiche got a chance on the big stage of American foods and wasn't being kept down by THE GLOBAL CONSPIRACY PERPETRATED BY SUM AND USSF."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the quiche files a lawsuit against the USSF for not sanctioning it as a Division 1 food.

WOSO Blogger Liked Lieke Martens Before She Was Cool

NEW YORK - Women's Soccer blogger Tiffany Osterhaus stated that she liked Lieke Martens before she was cool as the Dutch midfielder won the FIFA Best Woman award.

Martens? I like her original stuff, but I checked out when she released her Barcelona passion play. 

"I really liked Martens when she was playing for Heerenveen back in 2009," stated Osterhaus to The Nutmeg News. "Back then, there were far less bandwagon fans and she was far less exposed in the media. You really had to be a fan to enjoy her first body of work, and the second team she was on was more like her second album which showed her progression into the mainstream."

Osterhaus stated that she noticed more of her friends being into Martens after her time withGöteborg FC, but that she cherishes the time when she was an unknown midfielder working hard for a local Dutch team.

"Sure it's easier to find her work now that she is mainstream and she is now in everybody's BEST PLAYER list, but I miss the time when it was just me and a few other Heerenveen fans who saw her potential."

Osterhaus stated that with Martens winning the award that she doesn't even know all the Martens fans, anymore, and has fallen out of love with her recent work.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Osterhaus states that she has a new obscure midfielder she follows in the lower divisions of German Women's soccer.

Sacramento Republic Fan Appropriately Shamed For Lack Of Belief After Playoff Win

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan Tim Jeffers was appropriately shamed by his fellow fans for his lack of belief after Republic won their opening round USL Playoff game on the road against the Real Monarchs.

For a split second it seemed as though he might even be right, the whining traitor.

"All I said was that I thought it was going to be a difficult game and I wasn't certain that the team was going to win," stated Jeffers who was branded a "traitor" by his fellow fans.

Reportedly, Jeffers was attending the Republic/Monarchs watch party when local investigators found several tweets expressing his own personal doubts over the upcoming game.

"Whoa, man," stated local investigator and currently unemployed bar-back Paul Merson. "Tim TOTALLY didn't believe we were going to win this game. What a whiny little fucking traitor."

Jeffers was reportedly paraded around the bar as fellow fans threw napkins and food at him as a sign of his disloyalty to the team. He was given a shame hat and asked to leave the premises. 

"It was the 8th team against the #1 team on the road," whined little whiny whiner Jeffers. "I didn't think it was an act of sedition to insinuate that it might be a tough game," whined the little whiny unbeliever.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jeffers tweet history is printed out, long form, so that all can see his horrible takes 365 days later.