The US Missing The World Cup Would Be An Apocalyptic DISASTER Unseen In US History

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Jimmy Petersburg of Macon, Georgia.

"Dear Nutmeg News,

Let us not mince words, soccer fans, the United States missing the world cup would UNDOUBTEDLY be the worst disaster to befall the United States in the month of October and an apocalyptic disaster unseen in United States history. 

This is worse than Pumpkin Spice Lattes, or Kim Kardashian's sister's baby. This is even worse than those godless anti-patriots kneeling on the ground because they what hate the flag and this country and freedom and the right to bare arms.

No, this would be worse than all the above plus 1,000,000 reasons that I won't spell out. Trust me, just trust me. Just look at the papers, the headlines, the blogs! The United States has reached an apocalyptic scenario!

What would missing the 2018 World Cup mean for soccer in America? It would be the end of all things! We would start over from scratch and prioritize pickleball as our national sport. The NFL would devolve into nothing but protests, the NBA would continue to be very thuggy even though I haven't watched it in 20 years because Michael Jordan retired and I don't need preachy athletes telling me what to do. Hockey would continue to be ignored. Baseball would continue to be lionized by old white people for the time before integration. My god, it would be an epic disaster of epic proportions rivaling the time that the United States surrendered to General Grant at Appomattox!

No, we must not let the United States fail to qualify. We must not have children who will remember October 2017 for the time when we failed to be the 3rd or 2nd best soccer nation in one of the worst confederations in the world. We MUST qualify. The United States will waive that flag on high and I will tie it around my neck with my American flag board shorts, tank top and World War Champs hat. I will tell those people from Panama to go fuck themselves like a good American should. 

I Believe

I Believe That We 

I Believe That We Will

I Believe That We Will Stand For The US Anthem Because This Nation Is The Best And That Is What My Bumper Sticker Will Say

God Bless our Patriots on the field, especially Geoff Cameron.

Jimmy Petersburg

Macon, GA

Merch Game Stronger Than Soccer Game For NPSL Side

Kettering, OH - NPSL team the Kettering "Fighting" Ketamine admitted that their merch game is stronger than their soccer game as they continued to sell out of merchandise for the K's despite poor performances on the field.

"We are well reknowned for our line of t-shirts, hats, hoodies and merchandise," stated Ketamine general manager Steve O'Hare. "Our merchandise is the best you will find in the NPSL and I'd argue the best you will find in the USL or NASL either."

Reportedly, the Fighting Ketamine lost 12 games during the 2017 season but this did nothing to stop the rolling merch sales as the Ketamine staff put out one banging design after another.

"It's really incredible," stated O'Hare. "We took all the money we were going to spend on staff, facilities and player scouting and put it back into our merch team and social media. We are making more in online sales than we ever were at the box office. Eventually we might channel some of that money back into the team. Up the mighty fighting Ketamine!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans describe the last game of the 2017 season for the Ketamine as 11 men running around in a stupor.

Now Is Not Time To Talk About Gun Control FC States League Official

Arlington, VA - An official with the Arlington Women's Soccer League (AWSL) stated that now was not the time to talk about Gun Control FC as they pushed off a decision on whether to allow or deny the team to play in the AWSL for the 20th consecutive year.

"Now is not the time to talk about Gun Control FC," stated Linda Browning, president of Arlington Women's Soccer. "With the season already started and recent games having happened, we must have respect for the process and delay talk about admitting them as a team into our league."

Players with Gun Control FC stated that they only want to play and that the vast majority of players within the AWSL agreed that they should be in place. However, league officials with the AWSL stated that this was not acceptable.

"If we let in Gun Control FC, we will have to let in All Pets Should Burn In A Fire FC, Anarchy For Everyone United, A.C. People Who Peer At You Over Bathroom Stalls To Check Out Your Genitals And Laugh At Them, and Single Payer Healthcare Revolution" stated Browning.

"We can't have league composed of anarchist, pet burning perverts who want to watch healthcare revolution play just because we want to let Gun Control FC into the league. Beside, the National Registration Alliance put a lot of money into our league to specifically keep us from registering Gun Control FC and we can't say no to money. We want to wish the best of luck to the Gun Control FC players as they work towards their goal of becoming professional players, even without a team on which to play. We are sending our thoughts and prayers to them."

The Nutmeg News will.... ah....you know what... we will have more on this but, let's be honest, ABSOLUTELY nothing is going to change.

United Win As United Lose As United Lose Late

The past week in Major League Soccer (MLS) was eventful as United won as United lost after United lost late.

Every city gets a United!

"United playing United was a pulsating contest," claimed United announcer Roger Everly. "Clearly it wasn't at the level of United playing United from earlier in the season. Or United playing United away, or United playing United at home. Or that road game for United where they fought against United, or really even that game from earlier in the year where a struggling United played well against an in-form United; but still, it was a resplendent advertisement for United, United, but not United."

"We thought that United might struggle this year as we also thought United would be better this season as we also thought that United played pretty well," stated MLS statistical analyst Jeremy Gouche. "We also thought that United played better than we thought United would play and was only second to our overall thought that United also played very poorly at times, but also very well in their win as well as their loss"

Reportedly fans were both elated, upset and nonplussed at the results for United this week as they were looking forward to next weekend.

"United are going to dominate next weekend, but we also expect United to lose and United may also lose or draw," stated Gouche. "So set your fantasy lineup to make certain you include United players, but also don't include United players, and maybe pick up this United player because he is going to be ok against the matchup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United play United while United wait for United and United looks from the outside to see if they, alongside United, will make MLS Expansion.

Alex Morgan Fan Gets Kicked Out Of Universal Studios In Solidarity

Orlando, FL - Alex Morgan fan Diana Salinas stated, "I want to show Alex Morgan that she isn't alone" before getting kicked out of her couples vacation to Universal Studios Orlando, on Tuesday.

Which way to the bar?

The Nutmeg News asked Ms. Salinas why she would do something like this and received the following response. 

"I love Alex. She is the world to me. The. WORLD. I needed to experience what it was like to be in her situation. Disney World, friends, drinks, and probably some jealous person who shoulda been kicked out other than the GOAT-woman-soccer-player-in-the-world-absolutely-the-best. I just have to know her and what it is like to be her. She's the best player in the world, the best. One time she favorited a tweet of mine. A TWEET. I put it in my profile. She's amazing.  So I have to get kicked out of Universal Studios. I just HAVE to. I mean if I get kicked out of Universal Studios, she might notice that I'm trying to protest against her unfair expulsion. There is no reason to care about anyone else on this story because they aren't Morgan. My friends told me that if I did this that I would be the biggest Alex Morgan superfan. They are all doing it now. It's called the Universal Studios treatment. It's great. I mean, we all use it now to help us play soccer. Have you ever been kicked out of Universal Studios? It makes you great. It's what Morgan uses."

When it was pointed out that Morgan have been in the wrong in this situation and that details are still unfolding, Ms. Salinas was verbose.

"Don't you DARE say something against Alex. She didn't get kicked out of Disney World because she was a bad person, she got kicked out of Disney World because there is a global conspiracy by Disney against her, and the coach hates her, and she was sad, and she needs my help, and she should come over to my place so we can hang out like besties and eat ice cream and talk about Abby Wambach."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Alex Morgan for comment and she sent the following statement.

"I love all my fans, all of them. I can't express how blessed I am in life. However, I can't help if some of my fans have attachment problems. If you think it is a problem for you, just imagine having all of them screaming at you all the time. Having said that, please don't get kicked out of a theme park for me. Also, all of my obsessive fans know that in order to be my number one fan they need to buy Degree Antiperspirant and Nationwide auto insurance. Nationwide, its on your side."

"Maybe Thoughts And Prayers Don't Work," States Rapids Fan

Denver, CO - Colorado Rapids fan Dave Kluzjek stated, "Maybe thoughts and prayers don't work," as the Rapids steamed ever closer towards the end of the season in last place.

Kluzjek indicated to our reporters that he spent most of the 2017 season and pre-season offering benedictions and thoughts towards the team in an attempt to have a successful 2017 season. After the 18th loss of the season, Kluzjek reportedly began to realize that his hopes and prayers for the season were unsuccessful and possibly don't work.

"I thought that if I really gave this season and some players some prayer that we would have a good 2017, but it just hasn't happened at all. I prayed for Tim Howard to be successful, for Pablo to make the right decisions, and for Kroenke Sports and Entertainment to acquire the right players. Unfortunately it appears that all of my prayers went unanswered. My friends in prayer told me that you can't pray for the things you want to happen because it isn't wish fulfillment, but they pray for world peace and universal love. Honestly, looking at the world today peace and love has less of a chance happening than the Rapids finishing in first place next season."

Kluzjek stated that he failed to pray before the Montreal game and the Rapids won that 2-1 so he is taking that as a sign that he should stop but insisted that he will keep praying for his sick cousin who needs a liver transplant stating, "Carl really needs help."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kluzjek finds himself praying for the 2018 offseason to be successful just like he did in 2017 and 2016 and 2015 and 2014 and 2013 and 2012 and 2011 and 2010 and 2009 and 2008 and 2007 and 2006 and 2005 and 2004 and 2003 and 2002 and 2001 and 2000 and 1999 and 1998 and 1997 and 1996.

After Eternal Wait For New Stadium, D.C. United Fan Would Now Like To Remain In RFK

WASHINGTON - After a seemingly eternal wait for a new stadium spanning 21 years, D.C. United fan Sam Spearing stated that she would now like to remain at RFK stadium stating, "What a piece of shit," about the new Audi Field.

The prominence of the soccer ball to the car is an indication of the sport taking second billing to the luxury............. or something.

"No big flags, no T.I.F.O rigging, no banners, an off-center supporters group view, no self ticket control, no roof, a shrunken capacity in the supporters section and the supporters put right next to a luxury box section.... why the hell is anyone excited for this dumpster fire," stated Spearing to The Nutmeg News.

Spearing was excited to see the rendering for the new stadium when the rumor started that United was finally going to have a new home, but after the ownership group indicated their intention to do everything possible to screw over the loyal supporters that stuck with them despite their inability to do anything about the stadium for the past 22 seasons her enthusiasm waned.

"RFK is terrible, but at least we could control our own experience," stated Spearing. "Now we are going to a new sterile stadium with virtually no privileges and we will be stuck there for the long term future. It's awful. Atlanta, Orlando, San Jose each attempted to cater to both the luxury boxes and hard core fans. This stadium just jams us all in one corner where it seems like our team ownership is doing everything to remove any kind of passion that we showed for our team during losing seasons when they weren't even around."

D.C. United stated that they understood Spearings concern about the supporters experience but stated that if she wanted a better experience she should upgrade to a new LUXURY box where she could hang any banner she wanted from the inside of her location provided that it fits the requirements allowed in by stadium security and isn't affixed to a location permanently.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Spearing stares at the ticket membership page for the 3rd day in a row without buying anything.

USMNT Fan Conveniently Doesn't Have A German Team To Support

Omaha, NE - USMNT fan Bill Dickinson announced that he conveniently doesn't have a German team to support as he followed the official BVB Dortmund account on Twitter and looked at buying a Pulisic kit.

"One of these three is Pulisic, right?"

Despite a brief flirtation with Bayern Munich for the past 2 years, Dickinson apparently considered himself a fan without a team in Germany until the United States superstar and internationally decent soccer player Christian Pulisic started playing in the Dortmund side.

"I can't pick out where Dortmund is on the map, I've never been to Germany, I don't speak German and I don't know anything about them other than their big T.I.F.O displays, but I'm excited to be a new fan," stated Dickinson to The Nutmeg News. "I just hope that everyone realizes that I'm only here for Pulisic and when he leaves to go to some other team then I'm going to be a huge fan of them."

Dickinson was welcomed with open arms into the local Dortmund community in Omaha as the "Pulisic/Dortmund Fan Club" holds weekly meetings to watch the games if it sounds like Pulisic is going to start or play.

"We are huge Pulisic fans and by extension any team that he plays upon, so we are very big with Dortmund right now," stated club president Garry Richards. "We can't wait for the next step in his evolution because it can be difficult finding Bundesliga games on the television."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dickinson learns that there are 11 players on a soccer team.

North Carolina Courage Ready For Playoff Loss After Clinching NWSL Shield

Cary, NC - The North Carolina Courage are, reportedly, ready for their upcoming playoff loss after clinching the NWSL shield on Wednesday for the best record in the league. 

Yep

"We would like to apologize for our fans for our future performance," stated head coach Paul Riley. "And we would like to state that we will put a better effort into not winning the shield next season as we prepare for the 2018 NWSL season in Atlanta as the Atlanta Beat FC."

According to insider sources, the Courage drastically overshot their desired point total and realized that they were going to win the shield and lose in the playoffs last week at which point it was already too late.

"Dammit," stated owner Stephen Malik. "We were hoping for a championship, not the consolation prize."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage prepare for the offseason with one game left to go in the regular season.

FIFA 2018 Player Sells Playable Character "Dick Cheese" To Real Madrid For 140 Million Euros

NEW YORK - Despite FIFA 2018 being released today at 8:00 am, video game player Michael Dawes reported that he already leveled up his playable character "Dick Cheese" to level 99 and sold him to Real Madrid for 140 million euros.

"Oh.... man.. Dick... Cheese," stated a stoned and giggling Dawes to The Nutmeg News. "Do you get it? Do you get it?"

Reportedly, an employed but somehow ill-on-this-day Dawes bought his copy of FIFA 2018 when the stores opened and by 11:00 am had already leveled up his playable character to 99 and sold him to Real Madrid where Dick Cheese will play alongside Cristiano Ronaldo.

"I'm going to have Dick Cheese win the Champions League on his first try," stated Dawes as he plowed through some Pizza flavored Pringles with the intensity of a Wildebeest. "Dick Cheese and Ronaldo is going to be an epic combination."

Sources at Dawes' work stated that he was expected to show up at the Starbucks on 80 Delancey Street until he called in to say that he was, "not feeling well, bro."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dick Cheese wins the FIFA Player of the year and Dawes becomes bored of FIFA 2018 by 11:00 pm.

NWSL Pledge Drive Enters 12th Hour

CHICAGO - The NWSL pledge drive known as #PassTheBall entered it's 12th hour as a beleaguered Julia Roberts and Ellen DeGeneres continued to hawk tote bags and player greeting opportunities in order to acquire donations for the fledgling league.
 

"Operators Are Standing by to take your pledge! Without Lifetime television, important players might never be seen. You can help preserve a place for NWSL soccer by making a pledge to your Lifetime Television station. You will be supporting the best on Lifetime. Our independence depends on you!"

Reportedly, Roberts and DeGeneres were first tapped to host the #PassTheBall pledge drive as the league saw celebrity fund raising as a way to increase their finances in order to keep the league running.

"It was important for us to figure out how to make our league seem big," stated NWSL director of Marketing Stephen Miller. "So we figured that we could trot out a few celebrities, give away a few tote bags and just ask for money. It's been working so far. My mom donated $5."

Fans were reportedly upset that the league didn't market itself as the best women's league in the world with personalities like Sam Kerr, Christen Press, Tobin Heath, Nahomi Kawasumi, and Nicole Barnhart.

"This pledge drive feels pretty low rent," stated the only Boston Breakers fan we could find. "I just wish the league actually believed they were as good as we know they are, with the exception of the Breakers and the Spirit of course."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sarah Nclachlan ASPCA music starts playing over a montage of sad NWSL players and it turns out that you can save destitute NWSL player for just 19 cents a day. MAKE A PLEDGE. PLEASE. MAKE THIS END.

U.S. Soccer Just Hoping This Whole Anthem Thing Will Go Away

CHICAGO - Insider sources with the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) indicate that the federation is hoping that this whole, "anthem thing," will go away as they stick their heads in the sand in an effort to ignore everything going on in the world and the country.

An inside look at US Soccer

"We stopped Megan Rapinoe from kneeling and put a measure in place that forces our players to stand so we are hoping that everyone forgets we are mandating forced participation in patriotic ceremonies," stated one source with U.S. Soccer. 

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that, in fact, U.S. Soccer was outright hostile to the idea of any messaging beyond "One Nation - One Team" as they banned any kind of expression to the media from their employees or spokespeople.

"They don't like protests and they don't like protesters," stated another previously employed U.S. Soccer worker. "They don't want anything to damage the U.S. Soccer brand because they don't want to be perceived as anti-American. With the whole commie-ball thing that seems to persist in some areas of the country, the federation is restrained from doing anything by their leaders that could taint their brand negatively. A memo was circulated to employees to state that no one should make any comment on the current events in the United States as it will just eventually go away, just like racism."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as U.S. Soccer desperately hopes they can make it through any upcoming friendlies or World Cup Qualifiers without players protesting.

Anthropologists Discover Lost RFK Stadium Civilization After Grease Fire On Second Level

WASHINGTON - Anthropologists with the National Museum Of Natural History stated that after firefighters put out a grease fire at RFK Stadium they discovered a lost civilization living entirely on the second level of the stadium.

Picture from the Temple Of Etcheverry. A holy site located on the second level of RFK Stadium.

"The local DC firefighters notified us after they contained the blaze and we went up to take a look," stated Professor Jefferson Hughes. "What we found was a whole ecosystem built up there subsisting on nothing but stale stadium food and the system of bartering old D.C. United branded giveaways."

Hughes stated that the second level civilization was an adjunct supporters group that split off after the start of the 1996 season. According to tribal elders, they eventually lost their navigation skills to get out of the cavernous stadium.

"This is a whole society built around the idea of D.C. United god-kings. Their entire world lives around the return of the god-king in March and celebrating the death of the god-kings season in September. They have carvings that appear to indicate an old religion based around warding off Wizards, Burn, Metro, Clash, and Mutiny. They appear to be a hunter gatherer society and those with the power are the ones with the guts to raid the food stalls after hours. So, if we are being honest, they really aren't that much different than the other supporters groups, they just don't go home."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the tribe's traditional hunting ground is closed and they are assigned a ticket representative who can give them a great deal on season tickets at Buzzard Point.

FIFA Nominate Mia Hamm, Holly McPeak, and Linda Gutierrez For Women's Player Of The Year

The international money laundering cartel known as FIFA, today, announced the final three players nominated for the FIFA Women's Player of the year.

As tabulated by our cadre of people who don't watch the womens game.

The nominees are 45 year old retired midfielder Mia Hamm, 48 year old retired volleyball player Holly McPeak, and 23 year old Delta baggage handler/sometime rec league player Linda Gutierrez.

"We believe that we have a cross section of players that truly represent the women's game," stated FIFA spokesman Bepp Platters. "We love our women. We love them a lot. In fact, we love them so much that we want to protect them from the injuries in games by forcing them to wear tighter clothing. It's the FIFA way."

Women's soccer experts state that the list of nominated players in no way represents the actual current landscape of Women's soccer in the world. They also state that this is clearly just a disconnected FIFA paying lip-service to a game they don't really care about via a methodology that is very flawed.

However FIFA disagress as Mr Platters stated, "People criticizing our selection are clearly on their period."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the year is 2145 and Carli Lloyd is again nominated for player of the year despite having blocked everyone on every social media platform ever made.

Travelling FC Edmonton Fans Disappointed To Report That Summer Of Love Was Replaced With Summer Of Worrying About My Insurance Coverage

San Francisco, CA - Travelling FC Edmonton supporters to San Franciso for the SF Deltas game on August 26th were reportedly disappointed to find that the legendary Summer Of Love was replaced with the Summer Of Worrying About My Insurance Coverage.

Where's the hippies?

"We thought San Francisco was going to be a hippie paradise with people playing guitar, smoking pot and hanging out in the parks relaxing," stated Edmonton fan Carl McKenzie.

"Instead it was a bunch of over caffeinated people wandering around freaking out about their pre-existing conditions, whether they were going to lose their health insurance, what that would mean for their parents, and whether they could continue living in their rented room for $2400 a month."

While having a great time watching their team take all three points on the road, Eddies fans were reportedly shocked at the level of grim faced depression that bounced around San Francisco as Americans stared at the eternal and unending car crash that consumes their lives via their phones.

"It was amazing and makes me appreciate Edmonton and Canada that much more," stated Dave McKenzie from his Edmonton home. "I'm happy to be back, AND with our three points. That August trip was still fun, though."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edmonton fans plan a visit to the great soccer cathedral of Giants Stadium to watch the Cosmos and Pele play.

Peter Vermes Complains To Fourth Official About Length Of Victory Celebration

Kansas City, KS - According to sources on the field, Sporting Kansas City head coach Peter Vermes was incensed about the length of the victory celebration for Sporting Kansas City and berated the fourth official for not bringing the raucous party to a close.

Vermes seen here in happier times.

"This is bullshit, we have a game in 4 days and we need the ground for practice to get our defensive formations right," stated Vermes as he motioned for the officials to get the trophy celebration over so that he could run drills and wind sprints.

Vermes was upset from the moment the game kicked off after Latif Blessing was forced out of the game after being injured, and his mood didn't improve after Kansas City won the game as he reportedly berated Sporting Kansas City for, "resting on their laurels," after winning the US Open Cup.

"You call this a decisive victory? I call this a crock of shit. We give up a goal with 6 minutes left in the game? UNACCEPTABLE. We we aught to give the trophy back over to New York with the way you played. We are all going to stay here until we get our positioning right on set pieces," stated Vermes to his team.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Vermes sets up practice cones for the after game intra-team scrimmage.

"

Robert Kraft Thanks "Jay Hoops" For His Contribution To The New England Patriots

Foxborough, MA - Patriots owner Robert Kraft, today, expressed his well wishes and appreciation to coach Jay Hoops for his contribution to the New England Patriots as the coach was let go from his position, yesterday.

"Jay really did a great job with our secondary... I mean our linebackers... I mean.... what the hell DID he do?"

"We'd like to thank Jay Hoops for his contributions to the Patriots and his consistent efforts in bringing us two Super Bowl championships," stated the press release from Kraft. "Jay was always a consummate professional, a wonderful player, and a true Patriot legend. I hope he finds success elsewhere in the NFL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone informs Kraft that he owns a soccer team as well.

Tepid Juggling Skill Convinces Man It's Time To Try Out For MLS

St. Charles, MO - European soccer fan Jason West stated that his new personal best of juggling a soccer ball 20 times convinced him that now is the time to try out for Major League Soccer as he sets his sites on making it as a professional athlete.

"I watched this video a few times and these guys made me the semi-professional mostly amateur athlete I am today."

West, now 31, was reportedly convinced after four weeks of intermittent practice with juggling a soccer ball he borrowed from his friend Bobby and some infrequent running showed that his athletic skill from Pop Warner youth football was not dead.

"It was tough at first, but I'm consistent now at around 20 to 30...um... ball bouncy things," stated West to The Nutmeg News. "I'm not trying out for Europe or Barcelona or Manchester United. This is just Major League Soccer. I figure I should at least be able to make the bench and then we will see how it works out from there."

Despite a sedentary job configuring cloud based architecture, West is convinced that he can make it as a professional athlete in Major League Soccer.

"It's been a dream of mine for the past 5 or 6 months after I heard my friends say how terrible the state of play is in the league. I figure that if it is as bad as they say it is, I should be able to star in this league. All I need is a month or two more of running two to three times a week and I should be set."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as West blames his 10 minute drop out from tryouts on a sickness that never fully appears.

Letter To The Editor: It's Not You, US Open Cup.... It's Me

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hank Carmona of Petersburg, Virginia.

"It's not you, US Open Cup.... It's me. 

I'm just not ready to commit to another 90 minutes this Wednesday. Look, I'm fully aware that we had plans. I was going to sit on my couch and pretend to find a stream, you were going to get all gussied up and we were going to spend some time together.

You look great, by the way. You're strong, you'll make it through this. If anything you will make it through this better than I will. This is a self sacrifice. I know what I'm going to be missing.

I just can't do it, anymore. You'll find a really great fan who will, though. Any time now, it'll work out. You're a great tournament with great prospects, we just aren't the right fit, at the moment.

This has nothing to do with that foreign tournament I met last month. UEFA Champion's League and I are just casual friends right now. Yes, I spent last week with them, but we were just hanging out. There's this great song that we both like, and when it came on...OH, there was that electricity! It was that hypnotic dancing at the bar where we were hanging out, and that frenzied nervous bubbling feeling that I hadn't felt in some ti........ um.....ok.... look, I'm not here to talk about what's going on with me. This isn't about some fling, this is about us, and we just aren't right for each other right now.

No, it isn't because you don't speak German. Baby, it's fine.... You don't need to change for me. I'm not trying to say I'm happier with UEFA Champion's League because I don't even know where that is going. I'm just trying to set YOU free.

I'm the one that isn't working out here, I'm the one who has different feelings now than at the beginning of the year when I said that I loved you and I was just in the moment...... Ok.... admittedly, that came out bad. See what I'm saying though? I think its time for us to go our separate ways, again.

What I'm trying to say is that we can be friends, right? Let's try friends for a while and just hang out a bit next year. I promise I'll call you in March.

Thanks,

Hank Carmona"

Rec League Roundup: After 5 Minute Shift, Forward Ready For Sub

Trenton, NJ - After a particularly strenuous 5 minute shift for his team, forward Dmitri Pavlov raised his hand and called for a sub from an already exhausted bench signifying his full commitment to uselessly running around like a chicken with its head cut off until exhausted.

SUB!

"I haven't really been running recently," stated Pavlov to The Nutmeg News. "Honestly, I haven't been doing any cardio. I know that people were depending on me, I know that we have a limited number of players any given week and I know that everyone paid good money for this but honestly, I'm tired from staying up all night to play Destiny 2."

Pavlov reportedly signed up for for The Bricklayers FC after assuring friend Dominic Hollings that he would be in shape for the season stating that he could, "run all game long, no problem."

Sources indicate that Pavlov only made it 5 minutes into the Fall season for The Bricklayers until he was asking for a substitution as the shallow bench gave each other glances to see who would replace him. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pavlov jokes on the sideline about his poor diet and training schedule.