The US Missing The World Cup Would Be An Apocalyptic DISASTER Unseen In US History

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Today's letter comes from Jimmy Petersburg of Macon, Georgia.

"Dear Nutmeg News,

Let us not mince words, soccer fans, the United States missing the world cup would UNDOUBTEDLY be the worst disaster to befall the United States in the month of October and an apocalyptic disaster unseen in United States history. 

This is worse than Pumpkin Spice Lattes, or Kim Kardashian's sister's baby. This is even worse than those godless anti-patriots kneeling on the ground because they what hate the flag and this country and freedom and the right to bare arms.

No, this would be worse than all the above plus 1,000,000 reasons that I won't spell out. Trust me, just trust me. Just look at the papers, the headlines, the blogs! The United States has reached an apocalyptic scenario!


What would missing the 2018 World Cup mean for soccer in America? It would be the end of all things! We would start over from scratch and prioritize pickleball as our national sport. The NFL would devolve into nothing but protests, the NBA would continue to be very thuggy even though I haven't watched it in 20 years because Michael Jordan retired and I don't need preachy athletes telling me what to do. Hockey would continue to be ignored. Baseball would continue to be lionized by old white people for the time before integration. My god, it would be an epic disaster of epic proportions rivaling the time that the United States surrendered to General Grant at Appomattox!

No, we must not let the United States fail to qualify. We must not have children who will remember October 2017 for the time when we failed to be the 3rd or 2nd best soccer nation in one of the worst confederations in the world. We MUST qualify. The United States will waive that flag on high and I will tie it around my neck with my American flag board shorts, tank top and World War Champs hat. I will tell those people from Panama to go fuck themselves like a good American should. 

I Believe

I Believe That We 

I Believe That We Will

I Believe That We Will Stand For The US Anthem Because This Nation Is The Best And That Is What My Bumper Sticker Will Say

God Bless our Patriots on the field, especially Geoff Cameron.

Jimmy Petersburg

Macon, GA