Woman Desperately Prays For Soccer Distraction Today

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Jasmine Ulloa admitted that today, of all days, she is desperately praying for some kind of soccer distraction as she frenetically scrolled through the maudlin displays on Twitter and Facebook

"Earnie Stewart... you are my only hope.... please... save my Friday."

"I just need the Union to trade a goalkeeper, write an essay saying the fans are crap, tell us that you are letting Earnie Stewart go," ranted Ulloa to her friends in a Slack chat online. 

"I just need anything... ANYTHING to distract me from the giant pile of bullshit that is this Friday."

Reportedly, Ulloa extended this possibility of drama to national teams, her Premier League team, or even that French women's team that she lightly follows.

"I need something, anything... a trade.. a dispute... a firing... I just need something to distract me. If Tim Howard wants to stick his foot into his mouth again, that would even work. Let's get some quotes from Bedoya on this thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ulloa's legs fall asleep after spending too much time in the workplace bathroom scrolling through the carnage on her Facebook feed.

"THIS Is The Year For The US Open Cup," States Fan For 10th Consecutive Year

WASHINGTON - "THIS is the year for the US Open Cup," stated DC United fan Robert Andrews for the tenth consecutive year as his thoughts turned once more to the little tournament that could.

"I know I've said this before, but this is the season the USOC breaks out," ranted Andrews to his friends who simply nodded their head as they ignored him by scanning Twitter. 

"What with the new stadium at Buzzard Point and the expansions in MLS, USL; and even NASL still being alive... I'm just feeling like this is the season that everyone in the United States just sits up and takes notice."

According to insider sources, Andrews was on his fifth cup of coffee when this epiphany hit him as his relentless positivity turned into a flowing waterfall of good feelings.

"There's going to be brackets and discussions and betting and better streams... oh man... I can't wait. It's the US Open Cup, man. ITS THE CUP! STAND UP FOR THE CUP!"

Mr. Andrews friends were compelled, at this time, to restrain him and force him to read Twitter and online blogs for 30 minutes until he was sufficiently depressed enough about the world to come to the conclusion that this is not the year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews starts talking about the new United stadium in hushed tones.

Two-Pole/Two-Stick Descriptor War Rages On

The online war over the descriptor of hand held T.I.F.O attached to either dowels or PVC raged on as supporters on both sides of the debate continued to vary their descriptor as to convey some level of exclusivity.

This was 5 seasons ago, so some things MAY have changed

"It's two-pole. You hold a pole and you have two of them," stated Sounders fan Brodrick Terrence. "How is this hard?! HOW ARE WE STILL ARGUING THIS. It's not a fucking stick. Is it wooden? Did it come from a tree? Do you throw it and have your damn dog fetch it? NO. It's not a fucking stick. It's a pole! It's not offside-rule complicated, people. It is poles."

Mr Terrence's passionate plea for two-pole action was taken by the New North Seattle Two-Pole Association For Pole Solidarity, a Super PAC formed for the express idea of furthering the definition of hand held T.I.F.O as a two-pole. 

The ideas espoused by Mr Terrence are not held up by his North End Faithful compatriot, Derryk Hays, who stated, "I call them two-pipes. It's PVC pipe... you know? I mean, I think we could also call them two-tubes. That's pretty good descriptor."

Chicago Fire fans, as well, had a schism in their ranks with fans rallying around two-pole and two-stick definitions as the argument proved to be even more nuanced than the current build of the Andrew Hauptman Memorial Wooden Spoon trophy.

"It's a two-stick. I will not let the Fire media define my obsession with painting Calvin urinating on a Hauptman sign as a two-pole," stated Fire fan Leonardo Guzman. 

"We, the rebellion against two-pole definitions, have gone away from using THEIR word for our activity. It's all about two-sticks now. Also, to be very honest... I got tired of explaining that we weren't hoisting Polish people up. We don't have enough people to safely let people crowd surf, these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the name is changed to Three-Pole/Three-Stick, as two PVC poles aren't enough.

Experts Stunned As All Teams Claim A Successful SuperDraft

LOS ANGELES - Major League Soccer (MLS) experts were stunned on Saturday as all teams in the league claimed a successful draft after the 2017 SuperDraft.

Not one unsuccessful pick, on Friday. Not ONE!

"Usually there's always a few teams that did poorly, selected players they didn't want, but apparently every single team was successful this season," stated MLS SuperDraft expert Brandon Villanue. 

"It's pretty insane to imagine that through 2 rounds and 22 teams that every single one of them had a successful draft, but maybe this season is the one! We didn't have a single during-draft or post-draft interview where the general managers were upset. They were all, rather, extremely bullish on the future of their clubs! This is just amazing. To think that all 22 teams are happy with their draft picks! What an event!"

General Managers and public relations officials for all 22 teams in the league released a joint statement that read,

"We, the collected teams of Major League Soccer, got exactly who we wanted out of the draft. Our scouts, coaches, owners and fans are all very pleased. All of our draft picks are ready to contribute, and excited for the start of the season."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams collectively claim that their draft picks represent the future of the team and the league. #pathtopro

Minnesota United Inadvertently Draft Grad Student In 2nd Round Of SuperDraft

LOS ANGELES - Reports from the draft floor indicate that Minnesota United mistakenly drafted graduate student Adisa Bello in the 2nd Round of the MLS SuperDraft this afternoon.

"Did you see that kid from Akron? He looks athletic!"

Bello, a visiting fellow at the University of Southern California attended the NSCAA hoping to learn more about American collegiate soccer and the differences to his native Ghana.

"My dissertation covers global sport in society and how that intersects with micro communities. I'm studying how immigrants use it to adapt to new cultures," said Bello.

Sources indicate that Bello was formally scouted when he took a seat in the audience and MNUFC mistook him for a left back they were targeting from the University of Akron.

Minnesota's technical staff tried to explain the error. "He was wearing a suit and looked like he belonged so we just went with it. Obviously we're horribly embarrassed but we're still looking forward to having Adisa on the team. Look, admittedly scouting is still a need throughout the league. To be completely honest, we don't know who half these guys are but we're really excited to have them be part of the family."

To his credit Bello took the case of mistaken identify in stride. "Hey, at least I got this cool scarf with the bird on it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we cover the MLS SuperDraft

NWSL Draftee Thanks Patreon Supporters

LOS ANGELES - NWSL Draftee Samantha LaBouley thanked her Patreon supporters and sponsors for allowing her to chase her dream of playing professionally as she successfully completed one of her 2017 goals she stated on Youtube of, "Getting drafted by an NWSL team".

"I just want to thank all my Patreon supporters and sponsors for continuing to believe in me and for allowing me to star playing in the NWSL without being broke," stated LaBouley to the gathered crowed.

"Shout outs belong to @harleylover49, @mammabear24, @harrypooper69, and @leeroyjenkinsislame for donating enough money to allow me to fix my car and drive here. Also, big love out there to my $1000 donations who earned the right to get a credit in my draft acceptance speech. Thanks to Karen Ellsbury, Jamal Burrows, Daniel Harbottle and Sandra Villanueva."

Reportedly, LaBouley was ushered off stage before she could complete her thanks to her $100 and $10 level Patreon supporters as she stated, "I can't forget everyone who helped on my journey towards solvency, but remember.... for an additional $1000 I'll dedicate a goal celebration specifically for you!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LaBouley makes more money off subscriptions to her youtube channel than during her first month in the NWSL.

USL Schedulemakers Start Over As They Keep Forgetting Teams

USL Schedulemakers were forced, on Friday, to scrap their existing temporary schedule and start from scratch after forgetting to add all the teams in the league this season.

Where's the east farthing argonaut warriors?

"We have something like 84 different teams, this season," stated director of planning, schedules, calendars and crock pot stew, David Millborough.

"It's a bit difficult to keep track of all of them. First time through a schedule mock up we forgot all about Rio Grande Valley FC. Then, the second time we forgot the Roughnecks. This was followed by the third time through fifth time in which we forgot to add the Battery. Then the 6th time through the 9th time we forgot the Tampa Bay Rowdies. There's a lot of teams of which to keep track."

Reportedly, with 30 teams in the league, the schedule makers found it difficult to come up with a schedule that can accommodate everyone.

"We've taken to just using a dart board and specially flighted darts with the logo of USL teams," stated Millborough. "We are actually thinking about streaming this next year on Youtube. This way we can pick which teams face each other on specific dates, and we do this randomly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL gets ready to release the schedule before realizing that they've only scheduled 10 games for Louisville City FC.

New England Revolution Exploring Trade For Rights To Hat-Trick-Rick

LOS ANGELES - Rumors are swirling within the SuperDraft that the New England Revolution are attempting to force a trade in an effort to acquire the rights to Hat-Trick-Rick.

Legend in the making.

"Our publicity, scouting and cookie baking department indicated that this fella is just a barnstorming goalscorer," stated Brian Bilello, the president of the Revolution.

"If we have to give up all our picks, this may be something we are amenable to do, as long as Hat-Trick-Rick is in Revolution colors by the end of the day."

Scouts within the Revolution indicate that their budget only allowed them to utilize television watching and Youtube streams to find players, but it was their belief that Hat-Trick-Rick looked very athletic. They also stated that his branding and messaging were on point comparing him to a young Landon Donovan.

"Hat-Trick-Rick is the future, the past, the present, the dream maker, the old chief, the billy goat gruff, the gentle dancing unicorn, the volatile, drunken, river fording Quebec fur trapper, the earth shaker, and the player who can finally get us over the hump to the dreamland of another MLS Cup loss," stated Bilello. "We can't wait to get started and see his myriad of tricks on the field."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hat-Trick-Rick holds out in contract negotiations for more money.

Los Angeles Chargers To Share Stadium With Local Soccer Team

LOS ANGELES - The newly moved Los Angeles Chargers announced that they would be required to share the Stub Hub Center with local soccer team the Los Angeles Gala..something.

"As per our agreement with the city of Los Angeles, we will be required to share the Stub Hub Center with some soccer team," stated team president and CEO of the LA Chargers, Dean Spanos. 

"We want to assure our fans that our games, branding, and even usage of the field will take priority as per the rules of our multi billion dollar industry."

The local soccer team were reportedly excited to share their facilities as some random spokesperson for them stated to The Nutmeg News, "This will finally give us a chance to practice for the MLS playoffs on a field with football markings. Thank god! Go NFL! Go Football! Enjoy Thursday games and that parking situation!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chargers try to figure out where they can hide players recovering from massive concussions with a sideline that small.

Red Bull Fan Relieved As He Slips Back Into Warm Embrace Of Off-Season Drama

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) fan Kevin Adams reportedly sighed with relief as he slipped back into the warm embrace of Off-Season drama with the swirling news of front office strife.

"Look, just superimpose Marsch over Petke and we will call it good"

"I was getting concerned that we might have continuity, player acquisitions, a pre-season and then the season," stated Adams from his walk up in Flatbush. "However, this whole thing just means another season of the Metro way."

Adams is referencing, of course, the swirling rumors of Jesse Marsch leaving to coach Red Bull Salzburg followed by the denial of this followed by the rumors of Ali Curtis cancelling a public appearance followed by who else knows.

"It feels good to be back at this again. Honestly, I was worried that we might have three years of stability. It's nice to just wake up and have people freaking out again, insane conspiracy theories and jokes about the Ali Curtis 300 page plan. I'm hoping that we can move into conversations about Petke, again. I might even watch THAT press conference. This whole situation is like slipping into a warm pair of slippers, sitting on a comfortable couch and drinking a warm glass of brandy."

Adams closed out our interview by logging onto MetroFanatic and posting a conspiracy theory rant about whether Curtis is being let go by Red Bull corporate to pave the way for Jurgen Klinsmann. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans debate spending money on another Red Bull OUT billboard by the exit to Red Bull Arena on I-280

NWSL Explore Moving North Carolina Courage To San Diego

In light of the recent news of the San Diego Chargers moving to Los Angeles, the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) is reportedly exploring a move of the North Carolina Courage to San Diego.

"Honestly, it fits our demographic, it's a beautiful city, it doesn't have a massive LGBTQ issue with regards to the HB2 bill, and we would be moving a team that was already just moved," stated NWSL Comissioner Jeff Plush. "We would be stupid if we DIDN'T explore this as an option."

Inside sources for the league indicate that NWSL leadership want to strike while the moving vans are idling. 

"They see this as an opportunity to right a wrong that was an original wrong, if you can understand," stated an anonymous source. "This is the perfect two wrongs DO make a right situation. While the NWSL doesn't want to be in the HB2 business, they want to be in the Southern California warm weather and city without a team, business."

Comissioner Plush was non-plussed about moving a team a second time as he stated, "Fuck em! We decide if you have a team, not the fans. If the Western New York Fans are heartbroken by this then they should be the commissioner and ownership of a league. At that point, then they can decide they don't want to move. However, since they don't have millions of dollars and influence, they can sit there silently suffering the loss of their team right alongside the North Carolina fans when we do this thing again to capitalize on San DIEEEEEEEEGO! SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL also considers just trying to spin up an ownership group for the area.

OPINION: CANADIAN FLAG SOCCER BALL? NOT IN MY MURICA!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr. Gustofson of Chatham, IL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Gustofson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Dear Nutmeg News,

Let's talk Canada.

Canada? More like Cuckada with all their healthcare and shit.

HELL NO, we don't need no Canada involved with our Soccer n'shit, and that goes with our glorious, patriotic balls.

Do we need balls draped with the socialist Maple Leaf Flag? HELL NO! 

Do we need unity behind the greatest country in the world, boys on the field, our troops, Jim McMahon, the NFL and God? HELL YES!

Our balls are covered in eagles and stars and cruise missiles and pictures of Mount Suribachi on Iwo Jima.

My grandpa didn't serve on the beaches of Oahu delivering mail to watch the 6th most popular league in the United States turn into commie ball. Hell, next thing you will be telling me that we will be serving hand pies and singing British songs. OFF WITH KING GEORGE'S HEAD, just like they did during the revolution.

Putting a Maple Leaf on the balls that our boys play with is one step closer towards asking them to go full Commie. 

Next thing you know they will be going to school for a degree in Women's studies and moving to California. 

I say, "hell no," to the Cuckadian invasion of our balls. 

I want my boys on the field to play with nothing but patriotic red, white and blue balls.

Keep our balls patriotic and sleek. 

Respectfully,

Johan Gustofson

Chatham, IL

Positive Press Release Hides Fact That Player Is Just Warm Body On Training Ground

LOS ANGELES - A positive press release by the Los Angeles Stevedores FC exalting Roy Anderson's defensive prowess is apparently hiding the fact that the player was acquired to be a warm body on the training ground and not much is expected from him.

Get out there and get the ball, Roy. No... no... don't play, Just grab the ball and head into the practice room.

"We acquired Roy because we really were one person short of a full roster and we didn't want to hear it from our fans the entire season long," stated Jimmy "mac" Williams, general manager of the Stevedores and GM of Williams' LuLaRoe Leggings in Burbank.

"We pretty much expect him to fetch things, set up obstacles/cones on the field for drills and take pictures for our social media employees to post on line. God help us all if he ever finds the field."

With the Stevedores defensive record suffering last season due to the loss of their captain Clark "buck" Hogmoan, fans were especially sensitive to matters regarding the defense and most Stevedores FC fans were excited at the acquisition of Anderson.

"We will have to see what he can contribute on the field, but his youtube video and resume seem to indicate that he is a defensive master," stated Stevedores FC fan and president of the Stevedores supporters group, The Commodores.

"We trust the ownership to get this right and the acquisition of Anderson is a clear sign that they are focusing on defense."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson is unceremoniously traded for soccer balls during the second half of the season. 

Winding Road Of Soccer Journalism Leads To Internship At Subway

NEW YORK - Theresa Marshall's winding road of being a soccer journalist appropriately lead to her internship at Subway as a sandwich artist in training, as the highly skilled and talented writer was recently laid off by the New York Picayune. 

Your degree in Journalism and focus on soccer can lead to YOU making the big decisions on how to toast the bread.

As a youth, Marshall obsessively spent time honing her craft as she wrote short stories for herself and her family. She, as well, became obsessed with the game of soccer spending time learning the players, techniques, and storylines that would eventually lend a qualified and yet sympathetic tone to her writing that gave true insight to the dozens of readers that clicked on her stories.

Having graduated from the University of Southern California with a degree in Journalism, Marshall then spent years applying for a various number of positions across the United States as she attempted to find ways to pay back her student loans while simultaneously schooling herself on North American soccer and keeping herself flexible enough to be able to move to wherever she could find a job.

All this time spent editing, blogging, writing and applying for positions gave her a vast amount of expertise in the game of soccer and the game of reporting; as well as the ability to juggle all her student loans against her minuscule paycheck while fielding angry comments from anonymous individuals who didn't appreciate 6 inches of column space in their online newspaper being dedicated to soccer.

Marshall then was able to get a job as a partial soccer reporter for the New York Picayune while also simultaneously covering local high school football, basketball, and track and field.

Marshall's soccer pieces for the Picayune gained her notoriety as she sagaciously opined and reported on the state of soccer in the New York area. She then dedicated herself wholly to reporting on the game as she struggled to deal with the financial implications of being a journalist in an expensive city while needing to keep her knowledge of local soccer, club soccer, international soccer and the nuances of supporters groups in her area.

Her career was then accelerated, as all traditional soccer journalists for major newspapers experience, as the Picayune let her go in order to focus more on re-printing opinion pieces from nationally syndicated political columnists, buzzfeed aggregation lists, and reprints of Marmaduke. 

Her soccer column is survived by her still burning love of the game and her 124 soccer gifs that she created from her official newspaper twitter account. Donations can be made to the Newark Subway restaurant at 250 Central Ave, Newark, NJ or her Patreon account where she is taking donations in an effort to restart her soccer blog.

Live Tweet Of MLS Combine A Desperate Cry For Help

Altoona, PA - Friends of Quincy Norwood recognized that his live tweet of the MLS Combine game on Sunday was actually a desperate cry for help as they bonded together to see what went so wrong in his life as to lead to the moment where he decided to tweet the play by play of a meaningless game between prospects on a Sunday in January.

We are all here for you Quincy. We love you. Why.... why in God's name the combine?

"Quincy.... we love you and we don't want to lose you," stated ex-girlfriend Jessica Holbrook. "We are just concerned and we want to know if you need help. It's just not normal, Quince. Sure, some people believe that live tweeting a pre-season game is unacceptable but at least there is developmental stuff to your own squad, but the Combine? My god. When did you start on the hard stuff? Am I going to find a propsects and roster spots breakdown in your computer browser history?"

"As your father, I must tell you that you are killing your mother with this stuff," stated David Norwood of Philadelphia. "She had dreams of you being an architect... not a man who sits around talking about future prospects that aren't even out of college. My god, Quincy.... what has happened to you? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP FOLLOWING THE EAGLES."

While relatives tried to appeal to his sense of shame, close friends attempted to steer him into other activities.

"Have you tried weed?" asked good friend Jacob Steward. "Look... buddy... friend... we can get blazed and go down to watch Rogue One, again. Even that's a better use of your time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as family find the Class of 2018 High School somphmore soccer prospectus from College Soccer News printed out and highlighted under Mr Norwood's bed.

Cosmos Ask For Volunteer Players Who Are Willing To Play For Experience

NEW YORK - After the North American Soccer League (NASL) was able to retain its D2 status, tenatively, the New York Cosmos stated that they would be looking for volunteer players willing to play for experience and the chance to get noticed in the future.

Photograph by Mike Stobe/New York Cosmos/Getty.

"The New York Cosmos are looking for up and coming players who would like to get noticed," read the statement from the Front Office of the Cosmos as typed by a finance officer turned secretary, Jennifer Kimball, who would also like to get noticed, paid and a new job because she is behind two months on her rent and only working still because she has no other options.

"We can offer training facilities, games, and the chance to put yourself in the public eye when we go on our two month US Open Cup run. We can offer catered water, training tips and the best way to network in our industry! Come work for the Cosmos today and get your career started!"

Reportedly, the Cosmos realized that if Blogs could stay alive by not paying their writers, that teams could do the same as well.

"We did a trial test of this in 2016 and it seemed to work, so going forward we are looking at an all volunteer team!" stated director of finance Kevin Kletz. "The Cosmos are BACK!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos tell players how much they have to pay to get the kit this season.

Western New York Flash Fans Rewarded With Moving Sale -- DEEP DISCOUNTS!

Rochester, NY -  Western New York Flash fans were rewarded, today, with the announcement of a moving sale and deep discounts of up to 5% off WNY Flash memorabilia.

YOU TOO CAN STILL BUY THESE PRODUCTS AT THEIR STORE!

"Forget the reason, the why, where, how, etc.... we are having a MOVING SALE!" stated Flash general manager Rich Randall. "Everything is for sale... EVERYTHING... I MEAN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!"

Long time supporters can be comforted with the complete loss of their local team by owning a fleece picnic blanket heavily marked down two dollars to forever remind you of the love that you lost because the Sahlen family couldn't figure out how to properly run and market a championship team and grow the fanbase in the region.

"We are hoping that all our fans will continue to purchase gear and tickets now that they won't have a team in the future," stated Randall. "Hopefully current fans understand that our refund policy on tickets is absolute. By that I mean they absolutely aren't getting a refund, COME ON DOWN TO NORTH CAROLINA THOUGH!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as, once again, the fans are made to suffer for the problems of ownership and league.

The Best League In North America Starts Again To Usual Minimal USA Fanfare

On Friday, with the Veracruz - Querétaro game, the longest running and highest quality league (and only league to have promotion/relegation in North America) begins again to the usual minimal fanfare in the United States as Liga MX starts their Clasura season.

Tigres! The Champion! Bicampeonato? -- oh... wait... was that Spanish? You just checked out from this photo caption, didn't you?

"It's Mexican soccer, so despite the quality being high, the passion being fantastic, the drama being great, and the league having promotion/relegation.... well.... I just don't care," stated Jason Schwarb, a member of the association of soccer bloggers and Manchester United fans of Phoenix, Arizona.

"Look I want promotion/relegation in my league, and I want games that have meaning instead of glorified scrimmages, but I've been conditioned to think everything Mexican, except the food, is complete shit by years of indoctrination by my friends and racist family. I'm not about to start watching soccer where the natural accent is something different from my own. That's why I watch the premier league, for the fact that they speak some form of English and watching them doesn't make me think about political situations like building that wall!"

While Schwarb represents the extreme edge of American fans against Liga MX, other soccer fans in the United States expressed their issues with the league.

"Why do I have to listen to games in Spanish?" asked Gwen Yarrow of Cleburne, TX. "I already have to listen to way too much Spanish as it is, so I don't want to hear my soccer in Spanish, thanks."

"Is there a way I can find a team that I like?" asked Stephen Hill of Boston, MA. "I already have my love of Chelsea, Ajax, Juventus, Barcelona, and Dortmund so I don't know that I have the time. I don't mind listening to a game in German, but I'm not certain that I can handle tuning into Univision."

"I like Liga MX," stated Paul Gonzalvez of Oklahoma City, OK. "Vamos Guadalajara!"

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this as we, as well, continue to ignore one of the best leagues in the world, right in our back yard.

Whitecaps Fans Provide Extra Salt To Stem Free Salt Warzone

Vancouver, BC - In an attempt to stop the devolution of Vancouver into a warzone between free salt and non-salt factions, Vancouver Whitecaps fans made an attempt to provide extra salt to the area by tweeting about the team.

Option 5: Just follow the Whitecaps and you will have more salt than you can use!

"You call this an offseason? This is a fucking dumpster fire," stated Whitecaps fan @oustedfartsnwewin. "Hopefully the front office is doing more than the bare minimum because that's what has gotten us our sterling record over the last few years."

"Yes, I WOULD like to miss the post season again," stated Southsider Jennifer Smith. "This whole organization is just inept... INEPT... Can't we just get one solid defender on our team?"

So much salt has been provided by Whitecaps fans online, that the Street Cleaning Grant Program put forth an effort to figure out a way to take the online salt and convert it to salt on the streets.

"We have a tweet for your street program," stated David Holmes, director of the street cleaning program. "All the Whitecaps fans streets are now exceptionally clean and heavily salted."

As well, British Columbia Officials are working on converting all the extra salt into gifts to the Vancouver Popular Peoples Front Of Salt Freedom to quell the disturbances. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the extra salt continues until a player signing is announced.

Garber Blames Mandela Effect For Confusion On Cienfuegos MVP Trophy

NEW YORK - Don Garber, the Comissioner of Major League Soccer, blamed the Mandela Effect for the common confusion of the naming rights on the Major League Soccer Mauricio Cienfuegos MVP Trophy stating, "I don't know how this whole rumor got started, but we didn't name it for Landon Donovan."

The MVP Trophy name sake.

Garber clarified his remarks by stating, "This whole situation is exactly like that Berenstain/Berenstein Bears situation. Everyone is just remembering things incorrectly. The general public don't understand the rigorous qualifications that we have for the naming rights on our trophy. We love Landon and we thank him for everything he did, but we wouldn't name an MVP trophy for a small-market player that is currently playing. We wish him all the best in 2017 with RSL, but the MVP trophy is something that would be named for a historical legend. It's been the Cienfuegos MVP trophy for some time."

According to sources with Major League Soccer, they believe that the confusion came from the fact that both players pulled on the LA Galaxy kit and both played in the midfield.

"We feel that it is important to note that it is the Cienfuegos MVP trophy now and in the future and forever," stated Garber as he concluded his remarks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Dema Kovalenko MVP Trophy is presented at the end of the 2017 season.