Greendale, CA - After emerging from a Major League Soccer (MLS) re-education camp and month long health spa held at the luxurious Grand Island Mansion, soccer ultra and former dissident Carl Marshall stated that he is, now, perfectly at ease with all things Major League Soccer.
"I've come to love all the things that I used to oppose. The first bit of work that we did was on my dislike of 12 out of 20 teams making the playoffs. Now I see the benefit. Oh boy, do I see the benefit. THE. BENEFIT. I SEE THE BENEFIT," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News on Thursday.
"I also, now, enjoy half-time talking-head shows, fireworks before, during and after the national anthem. I've been told that I hate people that kneel during the anthem, I always buy beer AND food at the stadium, I never smuggle in my own flask, I think it's great that Landon Donovan is back, I hope we can get Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo for a team that isn't mine because it would be great for the league and our overall brand exposure. I believe that we need more Lalas and more Borg, like a lot more, like there should always be some form of Lalas and Borg in my life. Like if I'm performing a bowel movement, there should be a way for a Lalas to tell me, in a dispassionate tone, that my pushing isn't a good effort, or for Borg to yell, 'now THAT's A POOP!'
I always eat McDonalds and I only buy Adidas gear. I always shop at the front office store and I admit that I don't know anything about the sport other than the reason you make signs and banners is to raise the profile of the league so that everyone can benefit. Also, I always will spend all weekend convincing my friends and family to watch games because we need to increase television ratings."
When asked about his former activities in the stands that ran afoul of the MLS Code Of Conduct, Marshall was quite apologetic.
"I did bad things, things that good boys don't do. Good boys don't swear, good boys don't utilize pyrotechnics in, around, beyond or on the way to the stadium. Good boys don't flip off players or present themselves in a way that would challenge the family friendly nature of Major League Soccer. I'm a good boy, so I know that going forward I'm going to cut out all that ballyhoo and really focus on the family. This sport isn't about passion, it's about arriving, cheering and leaving the stadium in an orderly fashion and increasing the overall portfolio holdings of the parent company and the associated subsidiaries. I finally understand that now."
When asked about the financial and league control of the game, Marshall was adamant. "TAM, DP tags, all the finances, they are just great! It's fantastic that our league has malleable rules. We don't need rules! Rules would slow us down. I think it's great. I love targeted allocation money, love it. I don't even know what it is, I'm just a simple fan, but I love it. I LOVE TAM. I LOVE TAM.
ITS GREAT. ITS ALL GREAT. PLEASE. ITS GREAT. TRUST ME. DO NOT CRITICIZE THE LEAGUE."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Marshall becomes an advocate for four more MLS playoff spots in 2017.