Foxborough, MA - Revolution security agent Timmy Oliver stated that he was, "very concerned about the tampon choices of season ticket holder Jane McHendry of Attleboro."
"You should likely also think about switching away from that Maybelline mascara as it has known carcinogens."
With the New England Revolution mandating a clear bag policy for entrance into Gillette Stadium, Mr. Oliver has found himself staring more and more at the private items that women bring through. It was during his recent search of personal property that he noticed through her clear plastic bag that Ms. McHendry was using Tampax regular but not Tampax radiant or not even the Tampax pearl
"I spoke to her about the fact that Tampax radiant gives her a better absorbency for her menses, but she just wouldn't listen," stated Mr. Oliver to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "With the fact that I am an amateur gynecologist, I feel that I should be taking note of what women are bringing in on a daily basis. For example: I noticed that Tiffany Emberson switched from bringing in a random PLAN B pill to not bringing one in at all. I asked her if she had been sexually active and warned her about HPV. I mean, I saved that girls life."
While nearly everyone on the planet thinks that making people bring in their items in clear plastic bags is just utterly stupid and does nothing except allow snooping dickheads to look at your stuff, the NFL, The Revolution and likely (eventually) Major League Soccer think they need to see what is in your bag.
"It's important for us to ensure that your health and safety are paramount," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "Just like our mandatory prostate exams for men, we will ensure that women are taking care of their cycle correctly and ensuring that they are informed about birth control choices including abstinence which is a core cornerstone of Major League Soccer at every level."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer takes out a full page advertisement warning specific season ticket holding women, by name, that their makeup has expired and they should think about changing it out for a MLS sponsored bare minerals kit.