EDITORS NOTE: We spoke with Mr. Alderson about the issue that all zygotes/humans start life as female, but he stated this does not deter the current plans of Major League Soccer and that they will register all zygotes on the outside chance they turn into male soccer players.
NEW YORK - In a precautionary move, Major League Soccer announced that they registered all male zygotes currently gestating in their mothers wombs as homegrown players for Major League Soccer.
"We have to protect our trademark and our brand," stated director of Eugenics for Major League Soccer, Brad Alderson. "It's important for the fan to realize that we must be proactive in adding players to our league, even if those players aren't going to play any time soon. If we are going to register our websites and trademarks for teams and locations that don't even exist yet, we are damn certain going to do the same for players."
Reportedly, Major League Soccer has worked with hospitals and health insurance companies to ensure that there are league loyalty clauses and contracts for newly pregnant women across the United States and Canada.
"While we have retroactively added all current zygotes to our development and gestation academy, we are also working on the future babies not even in our development and gestation academy system. We like to call this decision day," stated Mr Alderson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Mothers and fathers on the day that they find out they are expecting a child get to decide if their zygote has a chance at being a professional soccer player bound to Major League Soccer for the entirety of their child's life or if their upcoming fetus will be barred from all future development opportunities in the sport of soccer. It's a simple choice, really. We are just trying to protect the future by signing up all unborn male children in the United States and Canada. What's the harm in that?"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer offers a $10,000 bonus for any mother who names her son, "Firstname Lastname brought to you by Advocare and Major League Soccer"