Jacksonville, FL- After experimenting with trust falls as a team building exercise in recent pre-season warmups, the Philadelphia Union announced a new holistic training seminar designed to cleanse the aura and prepare their chi for the upcoming season.
"Is your colon clean, Jeffrey?" - Screenshot via @UnionMarisa
"We felt that we might be bogged down by athletes with a lot of emotional baggage, tightness in their sacrum and a negative aura in the last year," stated Bill Knowles the director of reconditioning for the Union. "It was important for us to really cleanse the body, the mind and the theoretical field of energy that surrounds all of us and binds all of us together as one shared organism."
Reportedly, with the new usage of Reconditioning, the Union will be able to rehabilitate the inner seeing eye, and send their players onto a new spiritual awakening for maximum internal success leading to external club success.
The schedule release for training is as follows:
Monday - Trust Falls, group sharing and workshops on externalizing grief
Tuesday - Aura cleansing, colonics and massage
Wednesday - Day of meditation, fasting and introduction to legal healing herbs
Thursday - Preparation for upcoming weekends drills, cone drill, beep test and showers with a light beating of Eucalyptus leaves.
Friday - Heavy Dosages of Black Ayahuasca, trust circle and expelling demons from the gut by projectile vomiting.
Saturday - Cleansing of negative energy by incense sticks and watching "You, Me and Dupree" for 12 hours.
Sunday - Writing an essay on what "You, Me and Dupree" made them realize in their own game and how that impacts making runs off the ball.
With this new schedule, the Union are hoping that their players are ready for the upcoming season both physically and metaphysically.
"We are sincerely hoping that these inner workshops will lead us on the path to enlightenment, three points, and the possibility of the playoffs this season," stated Bill Knowles. "Only in the mind of the creator, with whom our divine ether spreads and connects with all humans, we are already in the playoffs as all humanity being connected dictates this."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when trust falls go awry as Ray Gaddis won't catch anyone correctly.