Bernie Sanders Vows To Break Up Big Football

On the day of the Iowa Caucuses, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders made a public announcement filled with bold promises that he hopes will help to push him to the top.

“For far too long,” Sanders stated, “the rich and elite sports in this country have been robbing the working class sports of their identity and success.  We have these NFL teams with their multi-billionaire owners keeping down the multi-millionaire MLS team owners from ever having a chance to really succeed. This has got to end. I promise to break up Big Football and make sure that these ridiculously escalating salaries going to their players will help to fund new MLS expansion teams and training facilities. It’s time big football paid their share.”

In addition to discussing income inequality, Sanders also discussed renaming the leagues to better reflect the activities being performed.

“The first thing the elite class does in order to control the masses,” Sanders continued, “is to rob them of their identity and name. Big Football has held claim over the name Football long enough.  Less than 1% of NFL players actually put their foot against a ball compared to the 99% of soccer players who do. It’s time for the working class who are out there day after day using their foot to control balls to reclaim their identity. NFL will be renamed to the American Rugby League and Major League Soccer will become Major League Football. Together we can do this.”

Sanders was equally ebullient about utilizing the redistribution of the National Football League tax money to create Single Payer Football stating, "We will offer a direct, community involved, single payer football opportunity to all teams in the United States that will group them all in one league as equal financial partners to split the wealth evenly among all teams."

When asked about his opinion on the Deflategate scandal Sanders stated, “I think we’re all sick and tired of hearing about Tom Brady and his damn deflated balls. We need to stick to the issues and ask why is it he is making upwards of twenty seven million dollars a year while players like Kaka are only bringing home seven million. This is a travesty of American sports and we can do better.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump about Mr Sanders bold plan and he had the following to say, "I am here to squash and deport the immigrant game of soccer while taking back the sport of Football that has been quickly turning into a sport for pussies. Under my watch we will #MakeFootballGreatAgain. I will rescind concussion protocols, tell players to lead with their head, encourage cheap shots, and introduce a 5 minute free-for-all spree in the fourth quarter where players are actively encouraged to entrap and ritualistically sacrifice soccer players to our true gods Charlton Heston and Jesus Christ in the middle of the field for bonus points."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the caucus takes shape via old white people sitting in rooms.