NEW YORK - The United States Soccer Federation has levied a lawsuit at all children in the United States over being terrible at soccer.
"We are incredibly disappointed at the lack of athletes from all of our youth programs who have gone on to become internationally recognized global superstars," stated president of US Soccer Sunil Gulati. "While we have had some success with our women's program, our boys program has failed miserably. I think we should all, as a society, blame our children for being listless, non-driven layabouts."
While US Soccer was previously tolerant of the indolent little shits, its patience has been severely tested, recently, by the lackadaisical results in the men's program and the disrespect towards authority from the women's program.
"If we wanted women that would talk back to us, we wouldn't have paid for private boarding school for our daughters," stated the US Soccer Board of Directors. "This insurrection will be dealt with harshly. That is by suing the living shit out of little Barbara until she pays us all the money she saved in her piggy bank to go to US Soccer girls camp. KNOW YOUR ROLE, BARBARA. It's high time she accepted the utter control that US Soccer will have over her life the instant that she gets into the game."
The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer what would have to change in order for them to drop the lawsuit and they stated the following, "We expect a written apology from all children, an essay on why they won't disappoint us again, and a donation to the US Soccer Federation board. Will no one think of the finances of the board? WE MAKE ALL THIS HAPPEN."