Shortage Of "YASSSSS QUEEEEEEN" Comments On Soccer Instagram Pushes Woman Into Action

Lincoln, NE - After noticing a shortage of "YASSSSSS QUEEEEEN" comments on the pictures of women soccer stars that play for the United States, Janice Gard was pressed into action on Monday morning.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN #FIERCE

"The lack of comments were disturbing to me," stated Ms Gard. "I begin to notice fewer and fewer YASSSSSSS QUEEN statements, fewer hashtags of the YASSS QUEEEN varietal, and more conversation by people rather than just blanket statements of complete bullshit. I knew then that it was my goal to reinstate YAASSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEN to the forefront of the Instagram comment that people randomly leave on United States international soccer stars pictures."

While many people think that this methodology of conversation is the equivalent of trying to have a conversation in real life by quoting memes, Ms Gard doesn't believe that to be the case.

"YASSSSS QUEEEEN is important. It shows that I think she is a QUEEEEEN and that YASSSSSSS you ARE a QUEEEEEEEEEN. It's #fierce #fire #YASSSSSSSQUEEEEN. I don't need more of an explanation than that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on that as Ms. Gard posts 30 different versions of the "started from the bottom, now we here" gif photoshopped with the heads of Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan and Carli Lloyd to Tumblr.

Ex-Player Doesn't Know Why Amateurish Assholes Won't Hire Him To Coach

Baltimore, MD - Ex-player Eric Wynalda once again admitted he is baffled that those amateurish assholes in Major League Soccer won't hire him.

"Apparently the fact that I wore this kit makes it OK for me to just be a complete prick all the time."

"It's a league filled with perpetual dickheads participating in a ponzi scheme and defrauding the youth of America," stated Wynalda to a random group of strangers on Saturday morning. "I think they are the scum of the earth, they know nothing about soccer, and that they are the biggest jerks I've ever seen. I just don't understand why they won't hire me to coach a team."

While Mr Wynalda continued calling the executives of nearly every soccer team in the United States and Canada base idiots dedicated to a secret cabal to keep soccer from becoming a preeminent sport by their lack of insight and ability to think about anything, he also couldn't understand why he wasn't coaching in the league he hates so much.

"If they offered me a job, I'd tell them to go screw themselves and then I'd ask on twitter why I didn't get a job offer. It's the circle of life. I hate/love them so much. The best part is that every time I open my mouth, someone somewhere will cover it as though it is news. It is amazing the longevity I can get saying unbelievably stupid things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen every year.

NWSL To Withhold Schedule Til 5th Week Of Season

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that they would be withholding the NWSL schedule til the 5th week of the season to build up a sense of anticipation.

I THINK THERE IS AN NWSL GAME GOING ON. SET IT DOWN!

"We plan on not announcing anything until after a certain number of teams have played. In this way we can really build up a sense of anticipation and frenzy regarding the schedule announcement," stated NWSL commissioner Jeff Plush. "We want to have our fans find out when their teams will play by haphazardly walking by the stadium, seeing some players on the field and realizing there is a game going on. This methodology will really build up our fan base in core areas where there are fans lingering by the stadium to actually see if anything is going on."

While the schedule release of the NWSL may go until the 5th week of the season, Commissioner Plush stated that they would still have a schedule of some kind to get the season started.

"We are just going to have regional teams play each other til about half way through the season. We can have 6 Portland v Seattle games this way and really build up that rivalry. At some point, when we release the schedule, the teams can play other teams in the league but we will just start with playing whatever team is closest to you in a 500 mile radius. For some teams this means your season isn't going to start until July, but they will just have to deal."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the NWSL announce more changes to their format.

Jack Harrison Buys Freedom From Chicago With 30 Gold-Pressed Bars Of Latinum

Baltimore, MD - Ignoring the age old advice that his father told him of never make a financial deal with a Ferengi, Jack Harrison (the first pick in the 2016 MLS Superdraft) reportedly forced a trade away from the Chicago Fire to NYCFC by utilizing 30 gold-pressed bars of latinum that he borrowed from an unnnamed man on Tuesday morning.

Anonymous man, Artist rendition.

"Hell no I wasn't going to Chicago," stated Harrison on Friday. "I already made a deal with (name redacted for safety) to buy my freedom from this draft and he made a deal with NYCFC. It's a bit like human trafficking, but at least I'm not playing in Bridgeview."

With Harrison out of Chicago, it remains unclear what this unnamed financier of Latinum will require from Harrison in order to be completely repaid. Harrison, for his part, remains defiant that he acted appropriately.

"Yes, I did the right thing. I can either go to a place where I have a small but possible chance of making it to Europe or a place where I  have a better than average chance of ending my career with the Dayton Dutch Lions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrison tries to learn the Two Hundred Eighty-Five Rules of Acquisition in order to force his freedom.

NWSL Changes Acquisition Rules To Actual Calvinball

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced that they recently revised their rules on allocation and acquisition at the 2016 draft. Reportedly the NWSL made a number of different changes in the way in which international and non-attached players could be allocated. In order to help fans understand these rule changes the NWSL released the following statement on their rule change.

CALVINBALL.

The Nutmeg News can confirm that the league is now allowing the square root of X when Y attacks in a purple phase allowing the green garden goalie to supersede the format of Pluto while it phases behind the moon. Reportedly this will allow national team players to form a quorum huddle to dictate their acquisition rights via a mock trial held with croquet mallets, a Huxtable daughter (preferably Tempest Bledsoe), and a battle to the death with the manager of their choice in the NWSL. There will be a light snack at noon which will be followed by a rage painting race to see who can synchronize their chi through interpretive art while their teammates pelt them with wedges of cheese from Guernsey. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this rule change as it flows and grows with the need of the league.

Sporting Kansas City Draft Pile Of Money

Baltimore, MD - Sporting Kansas City announced on Thursday that they drafted a pile of money as their pick in the MLS Superdraft bringing high acclaim from draft experts.

Well played

Draft Expert Taylor Twellman stated, "Given the option available to them, Sporting KC made the right pick. Would you rather have a boat load of money or a player you need to stash away on the bench until he ends up starting for Sacramento in the USL after three years in your development system?"

Peter Vermes was reportedly pleased with the acquisition of a pile of money as told The Nutmeg News, "We will be able to do a lot more with this than we would with a 22 year old college graduate with a mediocre touch. I'm planning on getting a kit made with 'cash money' that the pile of money can wear before we use it to sign a Spanish fullback with potential."

Tampa Bay Mutiny Confirm 2001 Trade Of Assets To Colorado Rapids

Tampa Bay, FL - Today, the defunct and long dead ownership group of the Tampa Bay Mutiny had their trade to the Colorado Rapids of a 2002 second round draft pick, a ball washer, the managerial career of Perry Van der Beck and the curse of poor ownership confirmed by Major League Soccer after 15 years.

"We figured that now  was as good a time as any to confirm that we made this trade to the general public" said ex-president of the Mutiny, Bill Manning. "Look we needed to get the stink of our ownership off the franchise. We were going under and we just needed to pass this off to anybody. Stan Kroenke didn't even remember he had a soccer team in Colorado at that time so he was more than happy to take on the curse of our non-existent ownership at that time."

While terms and conditions of the deal were not announced, Mark Abbot (the president of Major League Soccer) stated that he thought now was as good a time as any to announce the trade.

"We did it because people were digging around in other things and we hoped this would show our commitment to transparency. In the end, everyone still found out about the trade between D.C. United and the New York Red Bulls from 2015 AND we had to announce this deal between the Mutiny and Rapids. So... yeah... today hasn't been a great day."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these secret dealings when Major League Soccer announce that Landon Donovan was being paid by the San Jose Earthquakes every season since 2004.

Major League Soccer Changes From Draft To Forced Conscription

NEW YORK - With the potential of another failed draft upcoming, Major League Soccer has decided to change from a draft of the best youth players that didn't go to Europe or Mexico, to forced conscription.

Parents in Portland, Oregon protest against the Major League Soccer draft.

"We felt that the draft wasn't bringing enough talent into the league," stated Dave Kaval, president of the San Jose Earthquakes. "With forced conscription, we will go into the homes of parents nation wide with an armed phalanx of heavily trained paramilitary forces. We will remove teenagers who are of soccer playing age and force them to train at facilities to improve their skills and give us a better return on value."

While the idea of force-ably removing teenagers has generated considerable consternation online, the president of Major League Soccer (Mark Abbot) has indicated that this is only step one.

"Very soon we will start removing any child age 7 to 18 that shows aptitude at the game. We will enforce these measures to ensure that we have a vibrant player pool going forward. In order to bring US Soccer into a new golden age of soccer we must all make sacrifices. If those sacrifices are letting your child go practice triangle passing for 10 hours a day at a gated and heavily armed compound in Bradenton, then so be it."

The Nutmeg News asked parents whether or not they supported the new efforts of Major League Soccer to enforce children to play soccer and the results were staggering.

They didn't specify WHICH Milan.

A massive 90% said that they would support the effort if their children ended up millionaires that could support them in their old age, going so far as to say that they would drive them to the detention facility if they could just get some goddamn peace and quiet.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this measure as it begins.

Major League Soccer Source Reports, "Most Of The Undisclosed MLS Terms Of The Transaction Are Sexual Favors"

A source within Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed to The Nutmeg News that most of the undisclosed "terms of the transaction" on MLS contracts are sexual, home renovation and general life favors exchanged between the executives of Major League Soccer.

While the terms on this transaction were run of the mill, another term of a transaction earlier in 2015 had a stipulation regarding a bulk supply of butt plugs and Roger Miller compact discs.

"You wouldn't believe some of the crazy things I've seen," said the anonymous source to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "There's been an addendum added to contracts that stipulate nude house cleaning for the month of January. There's been an addendum about building a BDSM chamber below a stadium. There was even an MLS cup winner bonus of a sad, lonely handjob in the corner of Mapfre stadium while 'send in the clowns' was being played over the loudspeaker system. I can't confirm whether or not this cup bonus was actually hit but you wouldn't believe some of the requests in the contract transfers."

While many of the undisclosed terms feature jaw-dropping sexual favors between the ownership groups and members involved in the contract, many are rather mundane as reportedly many of the ownership groups use these undisclosed terms to run their every day errands.

"There was a terms and conditions clause in the Mix Diskerud contract that indicated he had to give hair care seminars to a mistress (who reportedly had frizzy hair) of a purported friend of one of the NYCFC executives," stated our source. "There was also a proviso that indicated Alan Gordon would work on the birdhouse of the nephew of Phil Anschutz if Gordon was substituted in earlier than the 55th minute more than 5 times in one season. I also distinctly remember that most of the Chivas USA squad was used to do general maintenance around the compound of Jorge Vergara and they called it community re-investment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hidden terms of the transaction as they come to light.

TNN Style And Brand Watch: City And United, Rising - Regionally Appropriate Nicknames, Falling

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the trends in Men's soccer in the United States for 2016.

Well, kick this thing right off with the #1 trend of 2016:

CITY/UNITED:

YES, brand recognized important demographic of readers and viewers, City and United are the way forward for your club or franchise team branding while nicknames like Whitecaps, Sounders, and Timbers are on their way out. The branding experts have spoken and their focus groups of unaffiliated people in the office that were pulled out of accounting meetings think that Location followed by United and/or City speak to a general fan, while also conveying an ideal of dignity and universality. 

City and United, as branded entities, bring us together and most of them also give an air of the European to our provincial leagues which helps bring on board those that think names like Chicago Sting are stupid! As our brand experts indicate, the only thing about City and United that will offend someone is the lack of effort put forth towards picking a different name. 

YES, FRIENDS. The brand of your club is the methodology by which the front office engages you at a specific price point for an exchange of entertainment! It's SCIENCE! 

What The Nutmeg News style board is looking for in 2016 is branded and appropriately marketed supporters groups in Major League Soccer. Names like Timbers Army, Emerald City Supporters, The Southsiders, and The Cauldron are all woefully out of date when it comes to current branding trends. 

We hope to see Portland City Supporters United, Or Seattle United Soccer Club City, or possibly Vancouver City United Football Club Supporters, or possibly Kansas City City United Supporters United Football Club (KCCUSUFC). The way forward for these groups of fans is appropriate branding and a concerted effort at trademarking while expanding their brand potential through social media! 

So keep on trend and keep on brand, friends. We will see you in the future for more TNN style trends and brand watch!

Desperate For Authenticity, Local Sports Reporter Covers Ballon d'Or As Though It Matters

Topeka, KS - Desperate for authenticity and page views, local Kansas sports reporter Graham Darrow covered the Ballon d'Or ceremony by live blogging the happenings on the Topeka Capital-Journal website as though the ceremony actually mattered.

It's basically one or the other for 8 years. Even if someone has a  better season it is likely Ronaldo or Messi are going to win. 

"I could be covering something local or even trying to cover the early season for Sporting Kansas City, but I've been told that this Ballon thing is a big deal internationally so I'm just going to write about it as though I'm shocked that the guy who wins isn't the guy who wins nearly every year," stated Darrow to friends on Sunday evening. 

While this grasp at authenticity may seem shallow to some, Darrow desperately needs the clicks on his newspaper live blog to keep his job within the quickly vanishing industry. "Newspapers are dead and I'm just trying to ride this thing into the ground. The more clicks I can get the better, even if that means that I'm just repeating trite observations like how the players are dressed and whether it is totally awesome that Carli Lloyd just won player of the year. It literally doesn't have anything to do with Topeka, Kansas or Kansas City sports, but honestly... it was this or write a Golden Globes recap. If I can get a few hundred or thousand clicks out of this thing it will at least confirm to my boss that someone cares that I'm writing about soccer. It may be pandering but it has a point. I've got to eat and if writing about foregone conclusions with a global reach keeps me employed then I'm going to double down on it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we try to figure out the logistics of writing a piece about someone writing a piece.

Journalist Convinced Player Is Number Five Pick Having Watched 30 Minutes Of Him Running

Lauderhill, Florida- Increasingly, journalist Brandon Weter is convinced that a player he watched for 30 minutes on Sunday is going to be the number five pick in the Major League Soccer draft.

"So, guys... who do YOU think is the best player in the draft?"

"This Oscar Rast from Pepperdine is the real deal" said Weter to all of his twitter followers is a vine video posted on Monday morning. "I predict he will go #5 in the draft," he stated as though he had some kind of authority or knowledge on the matter.

When asked by The Nutmeg News how he could possibly know where the player was going to be drafted, Mr Weter stated that he knew because the team with the 5th pick let him know that they were going to take the Mr Rast in the 5th position.

"There's knowing and there's letting people know what you know," stated Mr Weter. "In my case, my heavy scouting of watching him run for the last 30 minutes combined with sitting right behind the coaching staffs as they talk about players they like, has truly informed me of what I think is going to happen. Granted none of these opinions are actually my opinions, but that is what news truly is, these days. News is the ability to pass on information that you learned by sitting behind a bunch of other, smarter people and acting as though it is your own conclusion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Weter's opinions when he talks about the size of Joshua Yaro.

Man Becomes Educated On The Layout Of Los Angeles Via LAFC Logo Announcement

Des Moines, IA - Iowa native Charlie Hanover teased, on twitter, about Los Angeles finally getting a soccer team in their city before he was inundated with information about how Los Angeles is setup and whether or not Carson is considered part of the greater Los Angeles area.

Traffic pretty much as far as you can see.

"I just wanted to make a joke about how Carson, California is not really in Los Angeles, but I then spent the next 2 hours arguing geography with random people online before realizing that I wasn't going to win this argument," stated the now contrite man to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I started my argument by only working with the downtown Los Angeles area, but I ended up getting into a twitter fight over whether parts of Laurel Canyon, Malibu and Anaheim are considered Los Angeles. The whole thing is very confusing and I really wish I never made the joke in the first place. The number one thing I learned is that people are really defensive about the size, sprawl and encompassing nature of Los Angeles." 

Mr Hanover admitted that he now considers everything south of San Francisco and north of San Diego part of Los Angeles, just so he doesn't have to have any more conversations about whether Los Angeles is a collection of dissimilar neighborhoods united under one name or not.

"Dear god in heaven, set me free from these trolls," Mr Hanover exclaimed on twitter before he was told that Los Angeles means the Angels and that God would still consider areas south of Carson and north-west of Burbank part of Los Angeles.

San Jose Earthquakes Announce Upcoming Minor Signings

San Jose, CA - The San Jose Earthquake front office announced on Friday that they were working towards some very minor signings the like of which have been seen a multitude of times in Major League Soccer (MLS).

We've finally signed someone that played for us already at one point. #HYPE

"None of these upcoming signings will be considered major, even in our league" stated Earthquakes president Dave Kaval. "However, we still want to announce these minor signings in a major way. We are planning on really putting a blitz of information out there regarding our minor signings and trying to show that we are actually acquiring players, even if those players are pretty much run of the mill players in this league."

With the Earthquakes targets being a utility defensive player, a hardworking forward with an inability to score and a fullback that they want to use as trade bait for draft considerations, they reportedly understand that none of these are considered news makers, but they plan on treating them as though they are anyway.

"MINOR ANNOUNCEMENT COMING SOON" -- Stated the Earthquakes twitter account that acknowledged the truth of the upcoming signings for the team from San Jose.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Earthquakes put out a press release about Adam Jahn's favorite burrito.

TNN Intern Covers Golden Palace Forehead Tattoo With @WorldSoccerShop Tattoo

Content is not sponsored by any company.

Due to a severe lack of scruples and dignity, unlike the parent company who employs him, an intern for The Nutmeg News attempted to completely sell out by covering his GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo with a WorldSoccerShop.com tattoo.

Like this... but... you know.... classy.

This was done entirely on his own with no encouragement nor endorsement by editors of the TNN on Wednesday evening in an effort to attract sponsors to his company's site, a website with worldwide fame and notoriety that is best known for the variety and utilization of scat jokes in conjunction with soccer references. (editors note: The Nutmeg News is also well known in Finland for making nerd related humor for roughly 2 people. Hi Mikko and Anni!)

"They told me that this was the way to get a full time staff position as a sponsorship would ensure they get paid and that by them getting paid the rest of us would enjoy the trickle-down sponsorship dollars and swag," stated Robert Jordan who is clearly a really gullible man who chooses to take drastic steps entirely on his own prerogative, "But what the hell? Now I'm stuck with this [fantastic tattoo that I can be proud of because World Soccer Shop is the world premier destination for soccer gear.  -Ed] on my face and I've lost my goldenpalace.com sponsorship. This is so unfair!" 

With the new tattoo, The Nutmeg News is now at the forefront of the attention of the kit supply website who can clearly see the dedication of the staff at The Nutmeg News. Unless of course editors decide to fire Mr Jordan tomorrow for over-utilizing the staples that were placed in his possession and carefully tallied and inventoried. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the editors convince Mr Jordan to name his firstborn child @thenutmegnews in return for stock options that don't exist.

Major League Soccer Calls It Quits As Excel Spreadsheet Containing Schedule Is Deleted

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that 2015 would be the final season for Major League Soccer after an intern working on the 2016 schedule accidentally deleted the entire contents, minutes before it was to be announced.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

"We gave it a good go, but honestly we can't replace the information in that spreadsheet so easily," stated commissioner Don Garber. "At least we entertained everyone for over 20 years. That's gotta count for something."

Reportedly LAFC has announced it will transform into a recording studio and Miami FC will still proceed to acquire land for a new beachfront resort called Beckham FC where the DJ's are always fresh and the tunes already spinning. While fans of Major League Soccer may be irate about this, Commissioner Garber had something to say for them, "You wanted the NASL? Be my guest. Garber OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league front office desperately looks through their Jazz Drive for a copy of a schedule from 1996 that they could restore and modify.

Not To Be Outdone, LA Galaxy Remind Everyone Of Andrew Shue

LOS ANGELES - In an effort to seize the narrative back from Los Angeles FC (LAFC) and their emerging, celebrity soaked brand, the Los Angeles Galaxy went out of their way to remind everyone that they still know Andrew Shue.

Melrose Place?! No one? No one remembers Melrose Place? C'MON PEOPLE.

"The LA Galaxy are no strangers to celebrity either" read the press release sent out today. "While we may not have Will Ferrell, we were all thrilled with veteran Major League Soccer player and A-list Hollywood celebrity Andrew Shue when he played for the LA Galaxy back in 1996. As all of you well know, Andrew Shue was the biggest celebrity back in 1996/1997 with his expansive range burning up the screen as Billy Campbell and his ability to also suit up for the LA Galaxy at that time far exceeds what Will Ferrell would bring to our organization."

The LA Galaxy also included headshots of Shue's time with the team in their press release as well as a flow chart indicating how stupid "Get Hard" was.

Capos Call Council Of Riviera To Prevent Supporters Group Schism

LAS VEGAS - Capos across all levels of soccer in North America have flocked to the Las Vegas Strip, recently, as their order called a holy council at the Riviera Hotel and Casino in an effort to stem off a continent wide supporters group schism over the usage of heretical and incorrect words in the "Wings Of An Eagle" song.

Verily, when one brother hath spake of another brother utilizing the first brother as a source for song, the song singer may not be considered apostate.

While standards in liturgy have long been debated within the circles of elder capos that gather yearly during a break in season to speak with one each other, the actual effort to stem off a continent wide schism was born out of the frustration of hearing people sing both

"If I had the ass/arse of a cow"

"If I had the ass/arse of a crow"

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that delegations from across the continent gathered at the holy anointed slot machine and drink station to debate the challenge to the orthodox liturgy. Delegations from Kansas City, New England, Vancouver, Orlando, DC United, Detroit City, New York Cosmos, Arizona United, Minnesota United, Real Salt Lake, Fort Lauderdale,  NYCFC, St Louis, Louisville, Jacksonville, Red Bull New York, Toronto, Sacramento, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Ottawa, Edmonton, Portland, Dallas, and Colorado were all present while the bishop of the Holy Brougham See reportedly sent a vine back stating, "We haveth not a care nor whim. We simply do not careth one bit."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the leaders of Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow about their position at the Council of Riviera to see what they hoped to gain.

"We gather here to show the one true light that is the sacred word, that word being Crow. We spake thereof the holy word Crow and the gospel of the Crow, so say we all. For those that use the word of evil, that word of false flatulence that will sully their countenance with the abomination that is the word Cow shall be cast down in the lower levels of the NPSL to burn for all eternity in the fires of hell. And so shall they be clothed not in fine raiment but in sackcloth bargain Chivas USA jersey and covered in the ashes that settle upon their field from a refinery. SO SAY WE ALL!"

The Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow continued to argue that one cannot rhyme cow with below as it signifies moral decay and "totally doesn't rhymeth, brethren."

On the opposite side of the Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow stands the Eastern Ecumenical Diocese of The Fragrant Cow who have released the following statement, "The apostates will suffer great scalding burns and lesions upon their extremities for the forced usage of the word which we shall not say. The way and light shines upon the Cow and long may we rest within its loving embrace. When we sing our songs on our day of Sabbath we say that if we had the ass of a cow, long may we shit on those bastards below, as the quantity will be great and the fecal matter stinky. May the light and blessing of the cow shine upon you."

While the council postured against each other with neither side being willing to sacrifice any of their long standing platitudes, a third group convened near the penny slots to witness the event and interject their beliefs. The Asinum Deus, formally known as the Prelature of the Holy Hiney, come from a more recent schism formed when they felt an impasse was reached after demanding a rejection all things of English descent. They released the following official statement while also noting quite vocally that they were not waving incense while doing so as that part of the sacrament descends from English tradition as well.

“Asinum Deus stands firm upon the modern precepts of rejecting all things English and thus must state our righteous indignation over either group, Cow or Crow alike, using the word 'arse' in place of 'ass.' Furthermore, if followers of the Illuminated Crow stand by their choice because of the perfect rhyme scheme it creates they must also stand with us and reject any use of ‘arse’ as it forms an imperfect rhyme with ‘bastards.’ Were they to not to stand with Asinum Deus, they stand condemned as hypocrites and their impiety will be made plain for all to see as they are set afire upon a pyre of righteousness. "

When asked about claims made by both the Fragrant Cow and Illuminated Crow that Asinum Deus is seeking to reject all things English from a chant that was lifted entirely from English sources, they replied with, “That would be an ecumenical matter."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Council Of Riviera continues.

National Football League Offers Peter Nowak Head Coaching Position After Abuse, Hazing, and Concussion Denial Claims Appear

San Francisco, CA - The National Football League (NFL) has, reportedly, offered Peter Nowak a head coaching position with the San Francisco 49ers after it became evident from released documents, due to his lawsuit, that Nowak was a power crazed megalomaniac that denied the existence of concussions and hazed his rookie players.

Nowak during happier days, from big soccer.... that place you said you would never visit again, but you started surfing the archives and half your day disappeared.

"This is the kinda fella we NEED back in the NFL" stated Jed York, CEO of the San Francisco 49ers. "We've been inundated so much with these touchy-feely wimps that talk about the health and safety of our players it is nice to finally hear about someone withholding water on a forced 10 mile run and calling concussed players pussies."

While the Philadelphia Union remained mum on the Nowak lawsuit, former players stated that they thought Nowak would do well in an environment with absolutely no safety checks where unadulterated masculine tendencies take form in what is essentially gladiators slowly killing each other for the entertainment of millions.

"Yeah, It's all fun and games until he tells you to rub some dirt on your torn hamstring and calls you a pussy for getting a drink of water" said one unidentified player. "He should do great in the NFL. Fuck that guy."

This is my ball. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My ball is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my ball is useless. Without my ball, I am useless.

The Nutmeg News attempted to speak with Nowak, but we were informed that he was attempting to convince Rolston Williams to march the Antigua and Barbuda national team players across the country over to a private beach where they would build Nowak a summer house in the blazing sun while Nowak plays Wagner over loud speakers and screams "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION" when someone drops a nail.

Artist interpretation of Peter Nowak on the Job.... and that worked out fine for everybody in the end, right?

Man Plans Elaborate Deconstruction Of Jurgen Klinsmann When Twitter Goes To 10,0000 Characters

Boston, MA - Nathan Stevenson, brilliant tactical mastermind and salesman for the third largest yogurt distributor in the nation, has announced his plans for an elaborate deconstruction of Jurgen Klinsmann when Twitter changes from 144 characters to 10,000 characters

Created by @danprimack

"THIS will FINALLY take the German bastard down" stated Stevenson on his twitter page to his 3 followers and 23 pornbots. "I'm going to save United States soccer one 10,000 character tweet at a time, and I expect... nay I KNOW that this will finally finish his reign of terror."

While Mr Stevenson is mum on the intricacies of his statements, he is reportedly bullish on the future of 10,000 character tweets and his ability to annoy the living shit out of followers and hashtags by tagging things as "MUST READ" and "VITAL STATEMENT."

"I know that my truths must be known and that my ability to write a strong worded 10,000 character tweet will expose Klinsmann as the fraud that he is. I'm just going ape-shit on his ass and Sunil Gulati will have to pay attention."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Stevenson as he is unfollowed by his friend Gerry who just has had enough.