Philadelphia Union Fans Wake Up Excited For Game For The First Time Since First Kick

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fans the nation over woke up in an excited mood for the first time since the league kicked off in March and their season went into the toilet. 

So how exactly does this 'league' thing work?

"I ...... I just don't even know what to do with myself" said Ray Miller of the Fishtown neighborhood. "I feel positive. I... I just.... feel happy. I feel light and bubbly and I almost feel hopeful. Is this what fans of other teams feel like?"

Union fans have suffered through a season that has been more akin to repeatedly hitting yourself in the toe with a sledgehammer so this sudden thrust of optimism has rendered some in the fan-base apoplectic. 

"I'm happy, I'm mad, and I'm enraged that I can't be this happy all the time" said Juliet Evans of Olney. "Making it to the final of a tournament almost makes me more upset about our idiotic ownership that pissed away everything but this tournament this season."

With Union optimism at an all time high, the front office rushed to assure the fan-base that this is just the beginning of something.

"We want our fans to know that despite being on 9 wins for the season out of 34 games and only 34 points, that this cup final is the start of something." said Union financial investor Nick Sakiewicz. "Mostly, this cup final is the end of the season and a hopeful talking point for the end of the year, but at least that's better than our current slide out of the playoffs and slide out of relevance of the market here for the last two years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this optimism tomorrow where it has a 50/50 chance of being ground into paste and served as a horrible gruel desert to the end of the season.

Man Reluctantly Admits, "I Started Following Manchester United Because Of The Spice Girls"

Danbury, CT -  Local man, Bradley Stoltz, admitted on Saturday to a group of friends that he only started following Manchester United because of the Spice Girls.

Fedoras and Weddings will never go out of style. Ever. 

"Yeah, I was pretty shocked" said good friend Monica Blevins. "He said that he was watching the '2 become 1' video on MTV years ago and had these urges for Victoria Beckham. He admitted that he started surreptitiously following her after that and Victoria Beckham lead him to David Beckham which lead him to Manchester United. The rest is history."

While Stoltz may have one of the worst stories that has ever existed in regards to following Manchester United, he is adamant that this story is the truth.

"Who would make this up!" he exclaimed to a horrified group of United fans at his house for the recent match against Sunderland. "My lustful urges for Posh Spice lead me to the greatest club in England. I mean, if that isn't true love, I don't know what is."

While the adage, "you don't choose your team, your team chooses you" may seem trite, Mr Stoltz admitted that it seemed more of an appropriate way to find a team than his methodology.

"I'll admit that I chose with my cock, first. But after I learned to love the game, I gave up my urges for Mrs Beckham and forsook my cock while choosing United with my heart and my head. If my friends know anything about me, they know that I usually choose in this order anyway, so this likely makes complete sense," said Mr Stoltz

The Nutmeg News asked Ms Blevins about this statement and she stated the following, "He owns a signed laserdisc of Spice World that is mounted on the wall of his office. He is an idiot."

Fan Still Believes That Chivas USA Can Make The 2015 Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Chivas USA fan Derrick Stanspich still holds out hope that Chivas USA can make the playoffs in 2015.

"Look, I know that the team doesn't exist, but honestly does it even matter if they play the first half of the season? Nearly every team makes the playoffs in Major League Soccer. I mean, it is actually more of an accomplishment if you don't make the playoffs because it really shows a true lack of ability to miss out something that the vast majority of teams can make just by existing and playing. So, no, I don't think it is impossible that Chivas USA could still make the playoffs."

The fans are clearly able to deal with longer odds than whether they could make the playoffs this season.

Mr Stanspich admitted that the lack of a team could hamper that ability but he stated, "All they need to do is get a few wins in a row and they would be right back in this. Look, Chicago crapped the bed the entire season and they only just got eliminated. The MLS season is about just simply existing and riding the up and down roller coaster of bizarre results and disjointed play. We could do that. We could make the playoffs."

When asked whether he though LAFC could make the playoffs Mr Stanspich said, "Well, say what you want to about Chivas USA, but at least we existed. You can't even say that about LA FC. Until they actually have a team that can play on the field, it's hard to say that they could actually fit the bare minimum to make the MLS playoffs, that is... existence."

Philadelphia Police Unsure Whether To Prepare For US Open Cup Riots

PHILADELPHIA - Police in Philadelphia are reportedly unsure as to their necessary level of preparedness for the US Open Cup Final on Wednesday Night.

I've already had enough problems with ONE union. I don't need another.

"We here in Philly have some tough fans. Everyone remembers the 2008 riots after the Phillies won the Championship," said Chief of Police Charles H. Ramsey " But honestly I don't even know what a US Open Cup is..... I thought that was a Tennis or Golf event." 

Ramsey admits that if the Eagles were playing in the Superbowl that the team would be increasing city police security to heights not seen before. "Yeah, if the Eagles were playing we would have patrols, blockades and officers ready to go in riot gear. I'll be honest though, I'm not even sure where this Philadelphia team plays. I mean, does anyone actually care enough about soccer to flip a car?"

While Ramsey said that the police aren't preparing complete riot scenarios they are taking measure to protect themselves, just in case.

"We ordered a few surface to air missiles, some tanks, 46 drones, and an anti-aircraft system utilizing the Union game as the justifying reason. So honestly, we may have to deploy a few drones and shoot a few bean bags to make this jive for the accountants."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this after everyone figures out they would need to go to Chester to stop the potential riotous celebrations.

Unknown Ivory Coast Striker Added to MLS "38 Under 38" List

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced the addition of unknown Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba to their 38 Under 38 list.

This young lad is really ready to put himself about.

"The 38 Under 38 list highlights the best young players in our league and fully represents the resplendent future of the United States and Major League Soccer," said president of MLS Mark Abbott. " We feel that our inclusion of the of the best talent in the world at their position on this list will further bolster the case of our league being a top league in about 1 hour and 14 minutes or seven years."

The 38 Under 38 list includes such young talent as Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Andrea Pirlo, and now Didier Drogba who made his debut just six games ago. 

"This unknown Ivory Coast striker came to Major League Soccer from a provincial club in England where he gained experience that readied him for the rigors of this league" said commissioner Don Garber. "He has exploded on the scene in the United States and while he plays for Montreal, no one here will hold it against him that he temporarily lives in the 51st state. Mr Drogba has really shown his passion for the sixth place war is equal to his passion for playing in what the Europeans call 'the champions league final'. We here at Major League Soccer are proud to add him to our illustrious 38 Under 38 list and hope he has another incredible year left in him before he retires to a private island in the Maldives." 

THIS MORON LOVES HIS NIPPLES

San Jose, CA - Mattias Perez Garcia reportedly loves his nipples so much that he got a second yellow card just to show them to the crowd still left in the stands at Avaya Stadium who didn't wander down to the LOBINA and get drunk.

MY NIPPLES! YOU WILL LOVE THEM! YOU WILL HONOR THEM! YOU  WILL BASK IN THE GLORY!

Perez Garcia scored the game winning goal in the 87th minute during the Real Salt Lake and San Jose Earthquakes game but the game winning goal was reportedly not the impetus for him to rip his shirt off and get sent off on a second yellow card.

"I just love my nipples" said Perez Garcia. "I've nicknamed them Pablo and William Jefferson. They are amazing, aren't they? I mean, just look at them, sitting there, looking pretty. Who wouldn't take their shirt off if they had nipples like these. It is absolutely worth getting sent off and having my team play 9 minutes without me in a game that was absolutely necessary for us to win just so that you can all bask in the greatness of my nipples. My teammates say that they are the best they have seen, better than Wondolowski's nipples by far. His are too focused and narrow. Mine are glorious and free and smooth. Dance Pablo, DANCE!" he said as he flexed his chest muscle and fondly gazed at his nipple.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Perez Garcia's nipples as they appear and dance in our head.

Genius Amateur Tactician Admits, "None Of My Tactical Ideas Worked In FIFA"

Orlando, FL - After an all night binge session of playing FIFA 2016, Orlando City blogger David Matthews admitted, "None of my tactical ideas worked at all". 

While Matthews has long opined on tactics for the United States Men's Team and Orlando City, he finally decided to try his long espoused tactical variations that would "Totally Fix Everything" in a computer simulation.

Of course, overlapping wingbacks using midfielders as centerbacks and centerbacks as forwards! It makes complete sense on easy!

"I lost my first game 6-0 and had two players sent off," said a despondent and Cheetos encrusted Matthews. "The next game I lost 4-0, so I thought I was making progress. However, it didn't really seem to make a difference if I ran a 3-5-2 or a 3-4-3 or a 5-4-1, the result was the same. I would lose and lose and lose because of defensive errors on counter attacks or giving up long diagonal crosses that would expose my fullbacks."

While Matthews was flummoxed by the results he, reportedly, was unsure if perhaps he just wasn't any good at playing FIFA and decided to play three back to back seasons. When asked what the result of these seasons were he stated, "I was fired at the end of each one."

When asked what he did next Mr Matthews stated, "I turned the difficulty level down in the game and suddenly my ideas started working again."

While Mr Matthews may have had a temporary dip in confidence due to all of his tactical ideas being bullshit he states, "I've got my confidence back now. Playing at an easier difficulty level in the game makes it easier for me to play my unconventional style that would totally work in Major League Soccer or the Barclay's Premier League if given a chance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Matthews writes a 2000 word essay on tactics after he thrashes his 9 year old brother Bobby.

Journalist Successfully Writes "Pato To MLS" Column Without Using Words "Mountain Of Cocaine"

Journalist Sam Brownbent successfully wrote a 1000 world column on Alexandre Pato going to Major League Soccer without using the phrase, "Mountain Of Cocaine" or referencing euphemisms like "partying" and "enjoys the nightlife".

There's an MLS club in Miami? It's owned by David Beckham? Like South Beach Miami? Like Don Johnson Miami? Excellent.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Mr Brownbent at his house in Worcester, Massachusetts about this achievement. 

"I'm pretty proud of this day and my achievement on this day" said Mr Brownbent "I was struggling throughout the whole column to really find a way to reference his potential character issues and the ways in which this would completely impact Major League Soccer wanting to take a flyer on a player like him. I managed to make it through an entire column without referencing any of that at all. I was able to completely frame the conversation about how his lack of recent success makes him less of a candidate to do well in the league."

While Mr Brownbent did manage to avoid using the words booger sugar and Peruvian marching powder he was unable to avoid using the word potential.

"Yeah, that's the difficult part about Pato, because he is all potential" said Brownbent. "His legacy is one of eternal potential, until he gets to 31, and then it is all missed-potential. While many in the European scene think he has missed having a great career, in MLS terms he is still an infant at 26. He could absolutely be picked up and playing for millions of dollars for a team in Miami in a few years. How well he is playing, though, is the question."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Pato's rumors with MLS as he continues to flit around Brazil on loan.

Major League Soccer Readies 36 More GIF Specialists In Anticipation Of Herrera Hire

NEW YORK - The recent attempt at acquiring Miguel Herrera as head coach of the Chicago Fire has forced Major League Soccer (MLS) to prepare to hire 36 more animated GIF specialists in order to cover the animated coach.

Never known to shy away from shameless self promotion, the league front office recognizes that they have a potential gold mine of overreactions, celebrations and freak outs from Herrera.

"We have one problem" said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "and that is that the Chicago Fire are so bad that Miguel might not have anything to celebrate. Realistically no one wants to watch sad Herrera GIFs but if we have to do that, we will. We are exploring swinging a 'few things' Chicago's way should they decide that he is the coach for them. You know, a little bit of the rub one way or another and a few players in their direction just to make this interesting. We don't want them too dominant but Herrera would be a fantastic watch if the Fire were good offensively and terrible defensively. Don and I will have to talk about making this happen."

Regardless of the team setup for next year, Abbot stated, "we are excited for the opportunity to catch this manic coach in his natural habitat and use this for shameless league promotion. Right now, his antics on the sideline would be more entertaining than 99% of the games Chicago played this season. We hope that it ends as well as our attempt to corral Chelis in Chivas USA from smoking on the sidelines."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we also profit on the possibility of the insanity of Herrera coaching for Chicago.

Creator Of ROCKtober Not Proud Of SCARFtember

Cleveland, OH - The creator of ROCKtober, Larry "RAGING UNCLE" Feldman, is reportedly ashamed of the Major League Soccer promotional idea of SCARFtember.

"When we created ROCKtober, we were reacting to a discriminatory and destitute radio system that would only play Simon and Garfunkel as they sat in coffee shops sipping tea and talking about their Marxist political systems. But we wanted to hear Cheap Trick, Megadeath and White Snake and drink Schlitz and get hammered while working on a plan to buy acid washed jeans." said Feldman while he DJ'd a current up-tempo Christian Contemporary set for WWJD 90.9. 

"....AND WERE BACK!!

WELCOME TO HEZEKIAH IN THE AFTERNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" said Feldman into the microphone, "WITH YOUR BOY PAUL AND THE EPHESIAN! AND NOW SOME CLASSICS FROM PETRA!"

Feldman then continued the interview, "Yeah, what we did back then I'm not that proud of now seeing how much ROCKtober has sold out, but this SCARFtember? It's just awful. This isn't about getting your groove on and seeing Tawny Kitaen gyrating erotically while your bro complains about not being able to watch Donahue. SCARFtember is just about scarves.

There's nothing cool about scarves. Wearing a scarf in anything other than 30 degree weather is not cool. It's hot, why do you wear a scarf? They aren't sexy, they aren't cool, and in some climates its a bit like wearing a fedora with cargo shorts and croc sandals. But hey, I guess anything to make a buck these days. Me? I'm sticking with the original ethos of ROCKtober and that's Beer, Babes and hard edge music like Warrant."

The Nutmeg News will have more on SCARFtember when it tastes so good it makes a grown man cry.

Sepp Blatter Announces Donation To Swiss Attorney Generals Office

ZURICH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced a massive 200 million Euro private donation of his own money to the Swiss Attorney General's Office after the Swiss authorities opened criminal proceedings against the President of FIFA on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as suspicion of misappropriation.

Na na na na na say u wanna fly chick, imma ride or die chick... from the block
Think u could handle this prolly not jus a lil tease and ur heart will stop

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Blatter about the donation and he had the following to say, "This is just my way of showing that regardless of the faulty charges lobbed against me by the intellectuals and morally bankrupt west, that I still love our local government. I'm hoping that all my charitable *cough* donations over the years will mask my reckless financial misappropriation so that the attorney general will see fit to drop all the charges against me."

When asked whether or not he considers his donation a bribe, Blatter stated, "My good boy, don't you understand that I'm merely giving them hundreds of millions of Euros with no intention of receiving anything in return. There's absolutely nothing untoward about donating hundreds of millions of euros to someone and just waiting for the generosity of the world to extricate you from this situation. It's like when we built my fortress on the hill above Berchtesgaden, but... well.. you wouldn't know about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter as he turns slowly like a roast pig at a luau.

Rec League Roundup: Your Coach On Your New Team Wants To Play A 3-4-3 With An Offside Trap

Well, it's true. Your coach on that team you joined because you wanted to gain some fitness and lose some weight this fall wants to play a 3-4-3 with an offside trap in a rec league more renowned for having players that passed out drunk in the sun while the game is going on than actual decent play.

"GUYS, WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS PLAY SOME REAL BEAUTIFUL FOOTBALL", he screams at you as you limber up, trying desperately to shake 10 years of inactivity from your bones.

I TOLD YOU TO SHOW FOR THE BALL AND THEN PEEL OFF TO PLAY A ONE-TWO WITH THE FULLBACK! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!

"Back when I was on the bench as an equipment manager for U-Conn... That's D-1 folks... We played this system and I watched the boys take it to the quarterfinals of a local tournament" he says before setting out cones in a pattern for you to run and yelling at two guys who showed up 45 minutes late because they are thinking about quitting before you play even one game this season.

"This team is going to play some real beautiful stuff" he repeats as you realize he isn't even dressed to go out on the field.

"That's right, I blew out my ACL during a slide tackle to save a goal and my job working as a temp for Wal-Mart doesn't cover the insurance to get it fixed. Don't worry, I'll be available if I need to go out there, I've got a brace."

While you know that only 20 minutes into the season that your team is going to abandon this gameplan because the league referees are so awful that they can't tell whether you are playing someone onside or not and all your centerbacks are so old and slow that they can't track back fast enough to cover the 19 year old kids you are playing against which will lead to your team being down 6-0 in the first half, you still go through the motions to appease him because most of the team doesn't know each other well enough to call bullshit on him yet.

"Goddamit larry I told you to RUN!" he screams as you consider again why you signed up for this experience.

How many times do I have to illustrate this for you guys. We are going to attack here and then take them out of position! Memorize this! GOD!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you shift to a 3-5-1 with wingback play, because "that 3-4-3 was too ambitious and complicated for you guys to start with."

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Real Salt Lake

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle, and Real Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Real Salt Lake

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Seattle

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men and women involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle and Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

The Sixth Place War: Seattle

Letters From The Sixth Place War: San Jose

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: San Jose

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Portland Timbers

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Portland

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: 10 Years Of Releasing MLSPU Salary Numbers And 10 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 10 years now. 

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

C.R.E.A.M. -- is invalid because you don't know the real costs and how much people are making. All I can tell you is that your estimates of how MUCH cash rules everything around me are way off base. Completely wrong. NO, I WONT TELL YOU BY HOW MUCH. 

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 10 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.

With Only A Handful Of Home Games Left, Fans Prepare For Life Without MLS Games

The prospect of the ending of the Major League Soccer (MLS) season has shocked and galvanized fans of teams league wide into the realization that they only have a few home games left. For teams without a playoff game, this means the end of the season is upcoming quickly.

"I suppose I'll have to see my husband on the weekends again," said Union fan Betheny Sterrill. "He's not a soccer fan and we use this time as a nice escape from our regular lives. However, I'm not sure what that is going to be like when we actually have to have a conversation on the weekend. Fortunately, he has the Eagles and I like to knit and obsess about Getafe during the Union's off season so we won't have to have any awkward conversations until the few months between the Superbowl and the start of the Philadelphia Union pre-season."

The glue factory beckons....... Or at least just hanging up the mask for another year.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Derek Blick from the southwest side of Chicago about the ending of the Fire season.

"Thank fucking Christ. Wait... can I say that? Well, I don't care. I'm just happy that this horrible experiment is over, Yallop is fired and the end of the season is nigh. Oh sure, I'm going to miss seeing every one in the Harlem End, but honestly... we could all do with hanging out together in a way that doesn't turn into a raging alcoholic loss commiseration party and anti-Hauptman rally. This time away from the game will do all of us good, just to shake the poison out of our veins that the front office and boys on the field ladled into our bodies with vigor during 2015."

While Chicago fans are happy about the end of the season, Columbus Crew fans are looking forward to an exciting post season. 

"Two home games left, hanging out at second place in the east, our team really coming together... this is a great time." said Crew fan Dale Wisterman "I'm feeling optimistic because we aren't just trying to back into the playoffs but I honestly can feel that we can do some damage there. Kei has been amazing for us and Ethan and Pipa. After all the struggles of the previous years, this one has just been incredibly cathartic. My wife and my relationship has been better than ever, she is enjoying going to the games again, as we all are. I swear that even my kids are smiling more. Life is good."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Colorado Rapids fan Anthony Edwards about the end of the season.

"Is it over yet? I want to be free. I want to stop caring. I just want it to end. Please, just let this end. I'm not going to the last game, I'm just not. I probably will, but I don't want to go. Honestly, the only reason I feel like going is that I already paid for my tickets so I might as well see how deep the rabbit hole of crap goes. But no, lets just end this season and move on to Pablo and the new offensive coach. It couldn't possibly be more offensive than this year because this year was offensive to anyone who loves the beautiful game. I just need a freaking break. Thanks, Rapids."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as everyone realizes that they only have two or three home games left in the season.

New York Fans Unsure What To Do With Surging Optimism

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) fans are reportedly unsure what to do with their surging optimism after their 2-0 win over the Portland Timbers on Sunday.

"We are in the running for the Supporters Shield, again. We already booked a playoff spot, again. We took down a western conference team on the road. I don't even know what to do with myself!" said 20 year fan of the Metrostars and RBNY, Steven Kotby. "I'm going to launch all my old Petke memorabilia off the top of the Empire State Building or something. Well, no... I'm not going to do that at all, but WHAT A FEELING."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Red Bull fan Penelope Johnston about her burgeoning hope. "This is just amazing, honestly. To go from the raucous town hall meeting and the angst over the firing of Mike Petke, to beating Portland in their own house and claiming the top of the East again while booking our step into the playoffs, this season has been one enjoyable ride. I mean I think back over the season with all the games we have watched and all the play we have enjoyed. This has just been an incredible turnaround. WHAT DO WE DO?!"

That's not a sweater vest!

While most Red Bull Fans are finding the silver lining,p a few long term fans accustomed to the heartbreak that the team provides are still cautioning against delirium.

"The supporter shield is shit. We just want the cup. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and all get crushed when Metro gets killed by New England in the playoffs and we fire Jesse Marsch for not being able to get us all the way there. We are still in for the same ride, and there is nothing short of an MLS cup victory that will convince me otherwise," said Tom Benson of Newark, NJ.

"All these new fans don't understand the wave of unrelenting despair that is coming straight for their face. That wave we call the Major League Soccer playoffs where shit teams like the Colorado Rapids somehow manage to find their way to a cup win. Despair is coming, as well. Enjoy it while you can. I'm going outside to smoke."

While the dissenting opinions still live, most Red Bull New York fans are trying to deal with the massive amounts of optimism that are swelling within the undercarriage of the New York Is Red crowd.

"I can't handle this. Please start losing or at least playing poorly so that it validates my hardscrabble fanhood and I can get back to drinking and yelling things in frustration at the television. This is just nuts!" yelled Wesley Godot before he cartwheeled in the street before his 1 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. "This is just rediculous. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!"

Learn Basic Skills With Matias Perez-Garcia And Tom Emanski's New Series "Soccer Diving Fundamentals"

San Jose, CA - Matias Perez-Garcia has announced a partnership with legendary Baseball fundamentals teacher Tom Emanski to create a video series that highlights the correct way to dive on the soccer field. 

Order at http://all-american-athlete.com/tom-emanksi-baseball-training-videos.html Order the original and timeless Tom Emanski instructional baseball video series.

Perez-Garcia stated, "We wanted to show Americans, Canadians and Mexicans the new and revolutionary techniques for diving in order to give them a strong edge in their games. I start out by showing my most recent technique against the Montreal Impact."

Here we see Perez-Garcia showing the correct way to non-initiate initiate contact. However, this is only the beginning of his lesson.

"We must ensure that you not only go over, but that you communicate the theatrical ability with your next move. The referee must know that you have been fouled as well."

What we see here is the addition of theatrics to make it look like you were gunned down by a sniper while having your foot amputated by a bear trap.

Perez-Garcia and Emanski say, in their press release, that too often they can see players who haven't been taught the correct way to dive and that there needs to be a standardization of basic skills that enhance the diving process.

"We all need to learn the correct way to go down like Ted Haggard" said Perez-Garcia, "It is important to learn that we aren't just talking about falling but acting and theatrics. That is where my new instructional videos will come in. You can start your subscription to the Matias Perez-Garcia and Tom Emanski Soccer Diving Fundamentals which include two new videos 'Dive Like An Amateur' and 'Dive Like A Professional' for only $19.95 a tape."