Man Finds That Unrelenting And Unyielding Optimism Is The Best Way To Cover His Lack Of Knowledge About Soccer

Philadelphia, PA - Stephan Smith, a Philadelphia Union fan, has found that unrelenting optimism about the Union is the best possible way to cover up the fact that he doesn't really know anything about the game he watches every weekend.

"I'll be honest. I don't know much about the game. I still say 'offsides', I still think that playing FIFA on X-Box will allow me to figure out a real life club transfer system, and I don't really have a clue what any of the players are doing on the field at any given moment. However, I've decided that the way I can cover up my lack of knowledge is to just be positive, all the time. When the team acquires a new player, it is very clear to me that he is going to be the best player ever. When the team loses a game it is very likely not their fault and they will absolutely win the next one. When the goalkeepers we acquired don't pan out, we just need to give them more time." said Smith.

"We should give our ownership and management more time because they are always right, and because owning a team is tantamount to decree of high soccer intelligence when it comes to the decision making process. We should give all our players more time, because our ownership and management that is always right picked them and if our ownership and management is always right, then the players they pick must be the best possible players available. I had a friend who was really into international soccer who informed me that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. As this is the best of all possible worlds, then every decision that the front office makes is for the best. To challenge this assumption is to categorically state that not all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds and if we cant think that all is for the best at all times, then how are we to stay unrealistically optimistic all the time?"

TNN asked Smith about twitter and his use of the format that is often used for "hot take" opinions and negativity.

"Well, I believe that through my example of positive thinking and perpetual optimism that I can convince others that they are supporting the team wrong because so many fans are supporting their teams wrong. Criticism is silly, there is always a reason why the critical people are wrong and why their criticism is absurd. They aren't the front office and the front office knows what to do. If the fans were the front office, they wouldn't be able to run anything, because everyone knows that these unqualified people who have watched soccer for 25 years know far less about the game than a venture capitalist who raised 200 million dollars to buy a 55 percent share in the team.

When the negative and critical fans can begin see all the positive things, like the fact that we can attend games and be alive and free in the greatest country in the world instead of being beaten by sugar cane and bamboo by terrorists in a dungeon somewhere feasting on the entrails of rats, then they can begin to extrapolate that against the fact that if they love life, the front office loves life, the team loves life, that they are all living in the harmony of the best of all possible worlds. If this is possible then any result is an opportunity for relentless positive thought, even a loss."