New Goalkeeper Claims He's, "Not Crazy Like Other Keepers," To Imaginary Talking Cat Named Ricardo He Uses to Power Up Shot Stopping Ability

Newark, NJ - Josh Stewart, the new goalkeeper of AFC Newark United, claimed that he is, “not crazy like other goalkeepers,” to the imaginary talking cat named Ricardo that he uses to power up his shot stopping abilities as he maintained a 90 minute discourse with the character for the entirety of the match last night.

“I think he is as nutty as a box of frogs,” stated team captain Ismael Hernandez. “But he keeps telling Ricardo that he isn’t and I’m not about to get into an argument with his imaginary friend.”

Sources on the team indicate that Stewart took immediate command of the game shouting directions at the back line in order to organize them while also maintaining a constant stream of dialog that appeared to be partially self motivation and partially an abject conversation about Star Wars with Ricardo.

“Look, he is 6 foot 4, 200 pounds of muscle, played in college, stops shots, communicates, and organizes the back line. I don’t care if his imaginary friend is a gecko named Albert Einstein, I just want him doing the work,” stated centerback Dieter Schwarz.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart falls out with Ricardo over his opinion on Ter Stegen and AFC Newark United lose the game on a goalkeeping error.

MLS SuperDraft Downgraded To AdequateDraft

NEW YORK - Analysts with Major League Soccer announced, today, that the SuperDraft scheduled for January 9th, 2020 would be downgraded to an AdequateDraft after an assessment of the players within revealed some significant holes.

Join us on January 9 as we attempt to make jokes about the SuperDraft unless we get bored and decide not to do that.

“We aren’t confident that the talent left in this draft really reflects the idea and identity of a SuperDraft,” stated one anonymous analyst. “There’s a concern that there isn’t a single forward available in the AdequateDraft better than what’s already available in the USL right now.”

Sources say that there was a number of different monikers debated for the draft including sufficient, appropriate, tolerable, unexceptional, fair, passable and competent.

“There was a big amount of support for PassableDraft and CompetentDraft,” stated our source with the league. “Ultimately if you look at the number of attacking midfield prospects we couldn’t run with competent so instead we are just going with Adequate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Draft Grade teeters on the brink of being labeled an IntolerableDraft in 2021.

Updated USL Code Of Conduct Mandates All New Fans Start A Podcast

Tampa, FL - Information released from the United Soccer League (USL) headquarters in Tampa indicate that the league has updated their 2020 Code Of Conduct to mandate that all new fans of USL teams start a podcast.

“We want to keep the USL Championship momentum going in 2020,” stated one anonymous source. “Forcing fans to start a podcast is not really even necessary given the number of USL and lower league podcasts that are out there, but we felt it was important to put this in writing.”

With over 250,000 podcasts already pontificating on lower league soccer in the United States, promotion/relegation, and the fortunes of teams in USL Championship, USL League 1, and USL League 2, many people think that there may be a podcast bubble building.

“Smart investors are going to short the USL podcast market,” stated one analyst for J.T. Morgen Beard Sterns Podcast Division. “We can see that the bubble is going to pop soon on the podcast market and there will be tens of thousands of homeless podcasts who will be wandering the web without content for months at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new fan of Las Vegas spends his first hour of being a fan buying a microphone.


USMNT Fan Enlists In Army In Order To Scout World Cup 2022

Omaha, NE - Jeremy Eubanks of Omaha announced to friends and family today that he enlisted in the United States Army in order to scout the upcoming World Cup 2022 held in Qatar.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I believe our boys are going to get it done in World Cup Qualifying,” stated Eubanks as he attempted to calm the nerves of his mother and father. “It’s absolutely going to help out my American Outlaws friends in order to be able to scout where we can hold our 2022 prefunk over in Qatar.”

With potential deployment to a whole host of nations in his very near future, Eubanks indicated that he was excited to see some of the territory overseas as he announced that he had a case of World Cup Fever.

“Qatar has a a window seat view of Iran, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates and Iraq. There’s a pretty decent chance that I’ll be able to really scout out the best locations to eat, drink, party and cheer on the stars and stripes from wherever I end up getting posted. Given the current political climate, I’ll be almost guaranteed to have several deployments to the area and I’m guessing that by the time 2022 comes around that I’ll be a complete local.”

Despite the current tension in the region, Eubanks illustrated his positive thought as he stated, “I can’t wait for the boys to crush the hexagonal just like we crushed the Gulf War back in 1990, and 1991, and the Iraq War in 2003, and 2004, and 2005, and 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010, and 2011, and 2014, and 2015, and 2016, and 2017, and 2018, and 2019, and 2020 and just like Afghanistan in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 and just like Syria… well… you get the picture. WOO HEX! WOO CONCACAF!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eubanks ensures that everyone pays dues to al-Udeid American Outlaws in order to get priority tickets.


Supporters Group Veterans Concerned That Newly Commissioned Capo Hasn't Seen Action

Portland, OR - Supporters Group veterans with the Timbers Army voiced concerns that newly commissioned capo First Lieutenant William “Bubba” Johnson hasn’t seen action.

“I didn’t see him face down in the muck when we invaded Starfire and took the hill.” — 1SG Paul Phillips

In a heated conversation at a local brewery, non commissioned officers Ronnie Libscomb, Ivan Hernandez and Paul Phillips discussed their concern at the new section leader.

“A scarf is something you wear. Respect is something you gotta earn,” stated Master Sergeant Libscomb of Charlie Company.

“A leader should be able to command the attention of the troops and inspire them with confidence for the mission at hand,” stated Master Sergeant Hernandez of Easy Company. “Where is Johnson going to be when the chips are down, the troops are dejected and they are looking to him for inspiration? You can’t simulate what it feels like when you can feel the shots on the field, the Howitzers are booming, the smoke is drifting across the battleground, and you see someone get hit with friendly fire from the field of combat. You don’t learn how to deal with that by studying tactical videos from Ultras-Tifo.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what we are gonna have,” stated First Sergeant Paul Phillips of the Fighting 106th. “Another shiny asshole with a shiny scarf looking at his shiny commendations he didn’t earn on his shiny uniform. I bet a hundred bucks he washes that scarf after every match,”

According to sources that observed Johnson, Libscomb, Hernandez and Phillips inspecting the troops online, Phillips stated, “My men, my equipment, your mission,” to Johnson as he informed the Lieutenant on the readiness of his new command.

For their part, the NCOs stated that they would fully honor their duty to set a standard for lower-ranked soldiers. However, the simmering discontent continued as they accused Johnson of being a fresh faced goof who probably, “doesn’t understand the struggle with troop movement and operations on a national level and probably can’t even grow a beard.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 1st Lieutenant Johnson ensures that his hat and scarf are clean for the upcoming war-games.

Major League Soccer Plans Military Drone Appreciation Day

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Major League Soccer (MLS) is planning a 2020 league wide Military Drone Appreciation Day as they expand the influence of the US military into the league beyond camouflage kits, swearing in ceremonies and in-stadium military displays.

“We are a patriotic, beer drinking, AMERICAN league,” stated one MLS insider, “and we plan on exhibiting that patriotism as he honor the silent workhorses of our military that allow us to rain death across the Middle East.”

League plans reportedly include a Salute To Our Drones patriotic display while supporters groups will be instructed to sing America The Beautiful as a General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper circles around the stadium pulling an American flag.

“This is an opportunity for all of us to show how much we support our UAVs in harms way,” stated Billy Harris from Atlanta. “I, for one, hope that they can show us how the targeting system works by using the drone to lock on to a random fan and pretend to destroy one of us for season tickets! That would be amazing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league announces this will apply to teams that play in that other country as well.

Area Man Slams Club América As Being Un-American

Boston, MA - Area man Charles “Chucky” O’Connor repeatedly slammed Club América for being, “un-American,” during a verbose Instagram Live post on Thursday.

Stating, “Yo, that shit isn’t from here,” O’Connor ranted on Instagram Live about the Mexico City based side for allegedly not being American after discovering the team existed via a Facebook post by a friend of his during the Club América v Monterrey Liga MX final.

“American teams are in AMERICA,” ranted O’Connor to his cellphone as he paced in front of the couch of his one bedroom studio in Mattapan. “You can’t call a team that plays in Mexico a name like Club America. AMERICA ISN’T MEXICO, BRO. MEXICO ISN’T, AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES ARE AMERICA. It’s in the name, ok? This is some stolen VALOR shit, man. Imma find these guys and crack some heads for the USA.”

According to researchers, Club America was founded in 1916 from two separate teams. The Mexico City side was named by player Pedro Quintanilla who suggested América as the team formed on anniversary of the dia del descubrimiento de América (day of the discovery of America).

For his part, O’Connor was resolute in his righteous anger as he slammed anyone who could let this travesty happen.

“This is why no one watches soccer, man. I’m going to go back and watch the Pats play to make me stop thinking about how angry this makes me.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as good friend Grady Williams tags O’Connor in a highlight video post on Facebook of all Club América goals from 2019.



Recent Picture Of Former Toronto FC Player Reminds Fan Of Own Mortality

Toronto, ON - A picture of former Toronto FC player Jim Brennan reminded TFC fan George Tremblay of his own mortality and the ticking hands of time as he realized that Brennan was signed for TFC over 13 years ago.

Susie Kockerscheidt/Metroland - www.yorkregion.com

“Holy hell…. I HAD HAIR IN THIS PICTURE” stated Tremblay to The Nutmeg News. “Has it really been that long? My god, I hadn’t even met Sarah yet! I was only 28 and living in that cheap bachelor apartment. It was about $730 a month. How times have changed. Jeeze, man I really need to get healthy. God, what is that lump? Shit. Ok, I’m not going to look at WebMD. Ok, maybe I’ll get it …. wait … is that a new mole?”

Tremblay reportedly spent part of his work day on Wednesday looking up memories from 2007 and 2008 as he wallowed in the nostalgia of a team that almost seems wholly separate from the recent success that Toronto Football Club obtained recently.

“Yeah, in some of these old shots you can see us in the stands,” stated Tremblay as he used Google advanced search to narrow down pictures and videos of times now so long ago. “I remember throwing my commemorative seat cushion out onto the field when Danny scored. It was like a rain of souvenirs that eventually we all wished to get back. Recently the only thing I threw was my back… out.

Tremblay indicated that it wasn’t just the players but the fans themselves that made him feel very old as he realized he could see pictures of people who no longer attend games.

“James and Lee didn’t survive as fans after 2012. Larry, there on the right, didn’t survive 2013. I still text him from time to time. He watches games from home when he can. Had a scare with cancer. Long story, but he’s on the mend now.”

With his ticking mortality on display, Tremblay indicated that he’s excited to explain to a new crop of TFC fans what it was like before 2015.

“The new fans have no idea…. NO IDEA what it was like. We wore paper bags on our head and we LIKED IT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tremblay schedules time to pretend to get healthy before heading out for some heavy drinking.

Top 10 Most Viewed Posts Of 2019

US Soccer Announces Player-Coach Option For Youth Teams

CHICAGO (and ONLY CHICAGO) - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a new initiative of appointing player-coach options on their men’s and women’s youth teams after a number of vacancies were noticed from the U-23 level to the U-16 level.

“It’s time we admit that the players know more than we do,” stated Generalissimo Berhalter. “We are appointing a rotating player-coach that will gain the necessary skills to apply for an A Level license once they graduate the U-23s after 7 years in our program.”

US Soccer stated that they would be selecting the player-coach for each team via Rock-Paper-Scissors competition as they indicate that competitiveness and strategy must be essential for all coaching appointees.

“We don’t want a weak coach coming in here throwing paper when what we need is a coach who knows how to dominate with scissors,” stated Carlos Cordeiro. “We understand that our U-16 players requested the ability to throw dynamite and while we respect their initiative we need them to stay within the framework of the guidelines given to USSF coaches on page 32 of the A level exam which dictates that dynamite is not allowed within the laws of USSF Ro-Sham-Bo.”

For their part, US Soccer announced that the youth teams for the US Women would be appointing one player coach from one team to manage all eight levels of divisions from U-16 to U-23 as the USSF shot down the idea that they are dividing talent unequally.

“We can only supply the women with one head coach as the revenue doesn’t indicate that they should have more. If they want more than one 16 year old coaching the 23 year old team they should get in line and sue us with the rest of North America.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the appointed player/coach for the U-17 men’s team considers a one time nationality switch to literally anywhere.

American Liverpool Fan Spending Most Of His Time Telling Everyone He Was A Fan Before 2018

Denver, CO - Troy Williams, a Liverpool fan from Denver, stated that most of his conversations about Liverpool over the past week centered around him telling everyone that he was a fan way before 2018 as he tried to calm the suspicion that he is just a typical glory hunting American fan.

“Yes, they’ve been doing great, but I must tell you that I was a fan before 2018 and it hasn’t always been this easy,” stated Williams for the 32nd time this week to a stranger he met at a watch party for the recent Liverpool v Wolverhampton game. “Trust me when I tell you it hasn’t always been winning points and collecting trophies, oh no.”

Williams reportedly spent the entirety of his Christmas visit to his in-laws house telling his brother-in-law how difficult it was just 5 years ago as he nauseatingly recounted the 2014-15 season with intense details.

“And then we barely qualified for the Europa league that year, it wasn’t all blood and thunder and glory like it looks like now. Bear in mind that no true Liverpool fan will feel comfortable with this lead in the league until the day after the season ends and the defeat in London to Aston Villa in April in the FA cup was truly an awful cherry on top of a supremely difficult year way back then,” stated Williams as the eyes of his brother-in-law Robbie glazed over after innocently asking, “how’s that soccer thing going for ya?”

As Williams pointed out to our reporter he steadfastly remained a fan of Liverpool since randomly picking them as his team on FIFA 2012 as he pointed out, “we weren’t favorites THAT year, oh no. We weren’t running out Mo Salah and Sadio Mane, oh no. If you look at my old game saves you will see the difficulty we had with the squad depth that year after we only finished in 7th.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams asks for an editorial on our publication in order to really let everyone know that he was a fan before 2018 and that he isn’t another glory hunting fan.

Family Announces VAR Will Mediate Holiday Disputes

Seattle, WA - The Thompsons, of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle, announced today that all holiday disputes would now be judged by VAR as they finished the installation of high framerate video cameras throughout the external and internal areas of their house.

“We needed to announce the law change before the extended family arrives on Monday,” stated Katie Thompson to The Nutmeg News. “And we are excited to take the human judgement out of the equation as it relates to important plays and family conflict.”

Sources within the family indicate that The Thompsons ran a test program of VAR over the Thanksgiving holiday as they attempted to work out any issues involved with rolling out the system for the upcoming season.

“It was important for us to have a period where we used the technology out of season to verify that it would work,” stated family Commissioner Linda “Grandmother” O'Hara. “VAR was officially used for the first time to instruct a referee on whether Aunt Phyllis actually brought a dish to share or not. The casserole dish she claimed was not given and credit was removed.”

The Thompsons indicate that they’ve instructed the original family referees to consult VAR on the case of a dispute over recipe infringement, excessive political fouls, penalties related to oversharing, red cards given for violent and unnecessary flatulence, rants that start with “back in my day”, offside calls relating to cousin on cousin interaction, conversation own goals, and mistaken identity stories.

“We utilized Gift Credit Technology last season and reports were highly positive,” stated O’Hara. “It really helped identify which gift giver scored and whether there were any secondary assists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cousin Denny Lindholm stages a series of extraordinary in-livingroom protests over VAR decisions regarding the ownership of peanut butter cup THC edibles.

Whitecaps Fan Wanders Streets Of Vancouver Looking For Tank

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Colette Hastings stated that she has been wandering the streets of Vancouver for the past 20 minutes looking for a tank after the Whitecaps asked fans to take a picture in front of their custom tank in order to win a signed jersey from new signing Lucas Cavallini.

“This is my tank. there are many like it, but this one is mine. My tank is my best friend. It is my life.

“I went in front of BC Place and all I saw was an Armored Personnel Carrier,” stated Hastings to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been looking for the last 20 minutes and I can’t see a single tank.”

Hastings reportedly started a Facebook group demanding access to the Seaforth Armoury as she claimed, “we will storm their perimeter and gain access if we must. Nothing can stand between us and a new signed Cavallini kit.”

Other Whitecaps fans argued with Hastings online that she was, in fact, looking at the so-called tank in the picture as Whitecaps social media devolved into technical specifications regarding Armored Personnel Carriers and whether anything with tracks is simply called a tank shorthand.

“I don’t care what anyone says,” stated Hastings. “I’ll be the first person to take my picture with this APC and I’ll be the first person to storm Seaforth. THE STREETS WILL BE OURS ONE EL ApcQUE OR ANOTHER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings gathers 12,000 fans to sign up for storming the Armoury but only 10 people to agree what song they will sing when they do so.

New St. Louis Franchise Announces Rebrand Ahead Of 2022 Inaugural Season

St. Louis, MO - Public Relations officials for the 2022 MLS expansion side in St Louis stated that they would be unveiling a rebrand of their unreleased crest and team name ahead of their inaugural season.

Whatever they are doing they need to use some laurels. Never a bad time to include that.

“We felt like the time was right to announce a rebrand of our whole branding,” stated Donovan Williams of the expansion side. “With the upcoming season only a year or two away we thought it would be best to really show fans the impact of this new side moving to Major League Soccer.”

Insiders state that the new franchise will be transitioning away from using the old crest which the franchise will be using 9 months from now as they announce a new, new crest that they will be using 11 months from now.

“Rebrands are all the rage regardless of whether a team needs them or not,” stated one team insider. “We felt like right now was a great time to grab a bit of publicity.”

Brand historians expect that the new St. Louis crest will differ from the old unreleased crest in some way that will likely upset the fans they don’t have that haven’t seen it yet.

“We understand that there may be significant pushback from the fans we don’t currently have on the crest they haven’t seen that will be replacing the badge we never relased that replaced the mock up that was excellent that we decided against,” stated Williams. “We plan on defraying that by showing a bunch of videos of a street artist that no one knows spray painting murals that we paid to commission on public buildings. It’s gonna be great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the rebrand of the rebrand of the rebrand goes off without a hitch.

Thorns Fan Now Local Expert On Australia

Portland, OR - According to sources, Portland Thorns fan Heather Williams is now the local expert on Australia after spending the past few months tracking players in Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney.

Apparently there are other Australian skylines that don’t have the Sydney Opera House.

“She’s become a fountain of information on everything to do with Australia,” stated good friend Steph Phillips. “At any time she is just talking about W-League games that she watched and random facts about the Australian cities where all the Thorns players are playing.”

According to friends, this obsession with the players overseas has merged into an obsession with the cities and country itself.

“Did you know that Canberra is the capital city of Australia,” asked Williams to her friends during a meet up for trivia night. “Did you know that Canberra is Australia’s largest inland city? Did you know that Melbourne Victory only have 4 points from 4 games and have a negative goal differential?”

Friends also indicate that Williams has been positively evangelical about encouraging friends to watch the W-League as she indicated that it was, “Totally easy to watch live games and all you have to do is subtract the day that you are on from the day you want to watch and stay up until 12:30 am the day of, or sometimes 10:00 pm the day before the day of the game for the non 7:30 pm games and understand that it is on ESPN + with a replay so that when you can’t figure out the timezone you can just cave and watch games the day after they happen.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams starts incorporating Australian slang into her repertoire as she rants about bogans.

Canadian Premier League On High Alert For SuperDraft Dodgers

TORONTO - Officials for the Canadian Premier League (CPL) announced that they were on high alert after rumors of MLS SuperDraft Dodgers began to swirl on the internet.

Where have all the flower children gone?

“We are here to welcome them into our league with open arms,” stated league commissioner David Clanachan. “If these League Resisters want to embrace our Canadian lifestyle of peace, hockey, curling, and sometimes soccer we welcome them eagerly into our boundless land from Pacific FC to the Halifax Wanderers.”

Our reporters spoke with one SuperDraft dodger who stated, “there is a fact that roughly 100,000 young soccer players will chose Canada rather than fighting in a league in which they don’t want to play. I crossed over at the Coutts border crossing in Alberta and my voice broke as the border guard questioned my AYSO uniform. However, now that I’m here I can say that I was welcomed with open arms.”

For their part, the league officials with Major League Soccer condemned the escaping players as, “draft evading traitors whose rights in this league will be enforced.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Clanachan announces a new League Resister statue at the Ambassador Bridge.


"Why Can't We Make Soccer Less Complicated In This Country," States Man Still Paying Off $1,633 Ambulance Ride

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan Anthony Hughes took to the internet to complain about the current state of his favorite sport as he stated, “Why can’t we make soccer less complicated in this country,” while also opening up a browser page to make a payment on a $1,633 ambulance ride he took for a heart attack last year.

“I don’t care if I’m turning purple and clutching at the carpet, you DO NOT CALL THEM. Death is way more affordable.”

“I don’t understand why soccer has to be the way it is here,” stated Hughes as he simultaneously rebutted a number of comments on his Facebook page from parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids and claim he is trying to poison his daughter.

“It doesn’t make sense. We have the infrastructure to really make a splash on the world stage if we could figure things out,” stated Hughes as he tried to argued with someone on Reddit that black people deserve the right to not be killed in their own home by the police .

Hughes was reportedly upset after noticing the problems suffered by leagues, teams and players where it is clear that the game of soccer has settled in with the overarching arc of United States society towards discordant, sometimes depressing but very profitable chaos.

“It seems like all we need is someone who can actually come in with a plan that will emphasize the stability of the leagues and maximize the growth of the sport without compromising the fans that got the sport where it is,” stated Hughes as he attempted to figure whether or not his voter registration was mysteriously purged recently.

“Oh well, I guess it’ll get better after the next election when we get someone that really cares about the game,” stated Hughes as he repeated the same phrase he said recently about the upcoming 2020 election.

The Nutmeg News will always have more on this.

MLS And ESPN+ Announce Holiday Offer Of 15% Off The Number Of Available Games For 2020

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and ESPN+ announced a Holiday Deal, today, of 15% off the number of games they will make available for streaming if you purchase a year subscription to ESPN+ for 2020 as they attempt to boost their online subscribers

Exclusions Will Apply.

“Give the gift of some live Major League Soccer games (exclusions may apply). You’ll get full access to all games for every team, mostly,” stated MLS director of streaming Ryan Bertrow.

“All our league focus groups indicates that fans want to watch fewer games. We want to ensure that every fan of Major League Soccer has the ability to click on a stream of a game they would like to view even if they can’t actually watch the game because our television contracts or streaming options prohibit the option.”

Fans state that they are excited for the game reduction as they cheer the move that would make ESPN and MLS more money.

“I’m excited for all the time I will get back by all the games I would’ve watched that are going to be locked,” stated one anonymous fan. “It’s really going to be amazing to try to click on a fun match-up, realize I can’t watch it and then switch to a Bundesliga game. Spending time with Munich instead of Chicago will make my subscription that much better.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this still represents a great deal for all fanbases coming off of FloSports.

USL Winter Summit Day 2 Kicks Off With Conference On Spending Your Per Diem

Orlando, FL - Live from the palatial Renaissance Orlando at SeaWorld, the USL Winter Summit kicked off day 2 with a conference on appropriately getting everything that you can from your per diem as the conferences and meetings ran at high speed.

“and now a cost comparison rundown on the overall per diem value of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.”

“Know that while you may not be able to afford everything on room service that you definitely can get some great bang for your buck, if your team doesn’t require an itemized receipt, at the hotel gift shop,” stated Professor Lee Browning who hosted the conference.

With USL representatives in town to talk about all the mechanisms of the leagues from League 2 up to the Championship, many first time attendees found that the talk centered around exactly what you were getting for your per diem.

“I managed to figure out that I could skip all my meals except for dinner and then go out for steak,” stated one anonymous USL employee.

“I think I can get away with using my per diem on churros at Disney World. Now all I need to do is get away from this conference on the potential uses of VAR at our levels,” stated an anonymous junior executive with one team.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next conference starts on, “Grass Stains and You: The Equipment Manager Dilemma”

Confused Robert Kraft Disappointed That New Revolution Training Facility Lacks Massage Room

Foxborough, MA - A confused and bewildered Robert Kraft expressed his disappointment that the new training facility for the New England Revolution lacked a private executive massage room as he discretely asked around for an appointment.

“I thought that owners got perks,” stated Kraft to no one in particular as he quickly called his car service around to leave. “They told me that there would be space available for this kind of thing.”

Kraft was in Foxborough today to open a new training facility for the New England Revolution as he cut the red ribbon and looked around the grounds for all that the 35 million dollar new facility was set to offer.

“So, um, where’s the room,” stated Kraft to Bruce Arena who nodded at Kraft and grimaced as he found a way to blame the confusion on Jurgen Klinsmann. “Wait, are you telling me that we spent 35 million dollars on…. Is this microphone on?”

A inquiry made to the Patriots front office received no reply.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft asks his consulting groups to focus on the health and wellness of all employees in the organization from the very top to the executive vice presidents.