Years Of Achievements Leave Revolution General Manager Ready For Next Head Coach

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution general manager Mike Burns touted his years of achievements as the general manager of the franchise as he spoke to the press at length about removal of Brad Friedel as head coach and the criteria for the next hiring.

Remember the olden days of …. squint…. 28 dollar US Soccer tickets?!

Remember the olden days of …. squint…. 28 dollar US Soccer tickets?!

“If you look back on the last 8 years from November of 2011 til now, we can be pretty impressed,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Even if you look at back when I started in 2005, we’ve had unparalleled success. Why, we made the playoffs three times over the last 8 years, and the Revolution very nearly won something in 2014. Not many teams get that close to actually winning something in this league. It’s not like there are multiple opportunities for trophies every season. We’ve been in the top 10 of the Eastern Conference every year since our inception, and the Revolution haven’t finished lower than 9th in their conference, ever. This club is in very good shape, and I hope the fans understand how good they have it. Why, in the past four years we didn’t finish lower than 8th in the East and we finished 5th in the East just four years ago.”

Burns stated that his current priority was starting the search for a new head coach as he indicated the organizations willingness to look towards new horizons.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that we’ve been in touch with Sam Allardyce,” stated Burns. “However, we would be very happy to have him here as he has some very close connections to Robert Kraft. He’s a hands on manager who isn’t afraid to be tough with his players and we like that here. As well, we are looking at ex-Revolution players that might be interested in a spin at coaching. I can confirm that I left a few messages for Jermaine Jones but he hasn’t returned my phone calls yet. It’s only a matter of time.”

Burns indicated that 8 years of rampant success at the General Management position and 15 years of unprecedented success with the organization has shown him the value of people who understand the culture of the Revolution.

“It’s important to find someone who can work within the framework, financial guidance and player scouting that we can provide,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Our hope will be that we can find a player just retiring who wants to experiment with being a coach or a disgraced former coach who needs redemption.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution shift the deck chairs around for another season.


Soccer Fan Holds Player To Much Higher Standard Than He Holds Himself

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Philip Williams stated that he certainly hopes the new Timbers acquisition lives clean, contributes to charity and is a decent person as he boldly decided to hold player Brian Fernandez to a higher standard than he holds himself.

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“We can’t have a player out there partying who hates the fans,” stated Williams who was once fired from a Papa Murphy’s pizza store for stealing toppings and utensils from the store and drinking on the job. “It’s important to have a player represent your team well and his past history seems to indicate a lot of problems.”

Williams, who recently plead guilty to a drunk and disorderly after a confrontation at a food cart pod, stated that he was concerned with the previous run-ins that Fernandez had several years ago.

“Who does Cocaine these days,” stated Williams, “when microdosing LSD with a cannabis back end is just so much more efficient of a work day routine. You can really feel the difference when you combine homemade Kombucha with LSD, a pinch of cannabis and Google sheets. It’s like a foursome of productivity and I really have been making progress on my screenplay about the history of derailleurs on this combination.”

For his part, Williams (who indicated that he recently volunteered with Goodwill because he dropped off a shirt at a donation center) stated that he would keep an open mind on Fernandez if he wholly commits himself to working in the community.

“While I do not have the time, these days, to commit to charity work, It’s important that our players are out there in the community working hard. I don’t think it is asking that much for them to really keep a clean life style, eat well, work out, stay off drugs and alcohol, volunteer in the community, and be woke to the issues of social responsibility, privilege and the entire spectrum of diverse perspectives on feminism and modern political thought. That’s the BASE minimum I expect from a player for this team,” stated Williams as he finished a chicken fried steak with scrambled eggs and a red beer for breakfast.

“The honest truth is that the poor guy is really going to feel out of place in this city and this team if he is a decent player but hasn’t read Ta-Nehisi Coates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams misses the second home game of the season due to a drivers license suspension after a number of speeding tickets and going 20 over in a school zone.

Professional Referee Organization Issues Apology To Ted Unkel

NEW YORK - The Professional Referee Organization (PRO) issued an apology today to referee Ted Unkel for Unkel missing the call on himself during the referee’s match.

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The press release stated the following, “During the D.C. United against Columbus Crew game, referee Ted Unkel was placed in a violent and unacceptable situation by MLS players Wil Trapp and Luciano Acosta. PRO wishes to apologize to Referee Unkel for the untenable position that caused himself to miss his own call on himself about himself as he was not looking at himself about what he was doing and instead was watching and not watching the other players who were running towards him really fast. PRO wishes to encourage disciplinary action to be performed against Mr. Trapp and Mr Acosta for their violent assault of the center referee.”

Unkel was in the center of the action, this weekend, as he was very clearly bowled over repeatedly over and over and over for one time by Luciano Acosta and Wil Trapp.

“This kind of travesty will not stand,” stated PRO spokesman Jimmy Carter. “We must protect our referees from their own decisions, especially when their own decisions are non-calls on themselves about themselves as they attempt to not play the ball.”

PRO asked that in lieu of a punishment against the teams that Unkel would be allowed to send off both players retroactively and be the center referee for the next four Columbus Crew and D.C. United games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Unkel is awarded a meritorious service commendation for missing his work and then correcting that missed work.


Favorite Player Doesn't Even Know Soccer Fan's Name

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Tim Blakenship realized, on Friday, that his favorite player Chad Marshall doesn’t know his name as he sunk into a stark depression over the lack of connection.

(Photo by Justice Magraw)    “SEE, I’M RIGHT THERE, CHAD.”

(Photo by Justice Magraw)

“SEE, I’M RIGHT THERE, CHAD.”

“Every single week i’m out there for Chad,” stated Blakenship to The Nutmeg News. “The LEAST he could do is learn some small details about me and my life.”

Blakenship stated that he’s been a fan of Marshall ever since the player started paying for the Sounders in 2014.

“He’s 34 and I’m 34. He’s a dog lover and I’m a dog lover.He’s married and I’m thinking that would be nice if I could find someone. He went to Stanford and I went to Grays Harbor College. The similarities are endless, but I can’t help feeling that this is a one way relationship.”

Blakenship stated that no matter how many times he uses Twitter to invite Marshall over for dinner or wish him a happy birthday that he never responds.

“I’m yelling CHAAAAAD for a good 45 minutes of the home games,” stated Blakenship. “And the one time I met him outside the stadium he did that kind of, ‘oh hey you,’ routine. C’mon Chad, you should know my name by now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Blakenship starts a two-pole campaign aimed at Chad Marshall with random facts about his life, starting with his name, his dog’s name and stories about his coming of age with an absent father.

Galaxy Acquisition Falters After Argentina Club Refuses To Accept TAM

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy’s attempted acquisition of Favio Alvarez reportedly faltered, on Thursday evening, after Atlético Tucumán refused to accept Targeted Allocation Money (TAM).

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Stating, “Ni en pedo! Que es esto?” the directors of Atlético Tucumán were stunned when the Galaxy sent over an offer email that contained an Excel spreadsheet with the words “Targeted Allocation Money” and “1.5 million dollars” in two different cells.

According to sources with the Galaxy, they understood that they would be able to pay the fees necessary for the loan or transfer for Alvarez in TAM. As such, they traded General Allocation Money for Targeted Allocation Money in a spreadsheet data point swapping event with Minnesota United.

“As everyone knows, it is imperative to trade GAM for TAM as we look to remain competitive in the global market,” said LA Galaxy GM Dennis te Kloese. “Securing TAM for GAM will provide us flexibility to improve our roster prior to the closing of the primary MLS transfer window.”

However, the directors with Atlético Tucumán remain steadfast in their opposition to accepting theoretical data points as money as they released a statement in English that read, “We already told LA Galaxy General Manager te Kloese that we do not accept Bitcoin, Venmo, and now TAM. We will be ready to negotiate with the Galaxy when they offer appropriate terms with real currency.”"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as te Kloese attempts to exchange back his TAM for GAM in order to offer 2 million dollars of fake GAM money to Atlético Tucumán.

Atlanta United FIFA 2019 Season Going Better Than Atlanta United Regular Season

Atlanta, GA - An Atlanta United FIFA 2019 season is reportedly going better than Atlanta United’s Regular season as the new game save of Reggie Haybrook finished with the team in first place again.

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“I’ve been able to play 4 seasons in the same time it’s taken them to get to week 8,” stated Haybrook to The Nutmeg News. “And in three of the four seasons I won MLS Cup with the same roster that we are currently using to sit 10th in the Eastern Conference. They should hire ME to coach this team.”

With his latest save, Haybrook reportedly took to playing one game a week in the same schedule as the current team with the same opponent in order to fully simulate the 2019 season as he continues to win on whatever difficulty mode he is actually picking that he refused to disclose to our reporter at the time of this printing.

“After winning the cup three years in a row I finally set out a new challenge and I am playing one game at a time,” stated Haybrook. “The reality is that I’m still winning, so I don’t know what happened to give us this busted ass coach, but I can guarantee you that I would do a better chance of controlling Barco, Pity and Martinez than he has.”

Friends state that they are entirely overtired of hearing Haybrook compare the real and virtual seasons as he continually states that he could do better than current head coach Frank de Boer.

“I just want to go over to his place without hearing Reg talking about his season and figuring out that he is talking about virtual players and not the real ones,” stated good friend Matt Daniels. “I nearly freaked out the first time he told me that Darlington Nagbe had a season ending injury.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Haybrook blows up the squad, signs new players and wins the league again in one week on Amateur.

Pedantic Man Ready To Argue About Four Words From 2000 Word Team Summation

INTERNET - Pedantic soccer fan Gerald Way announced that he was ready to argue about a four word descriptor from a 2000 word team summation of the Philadelphia Union by commenting on the story, “Total fabrication if you believe he was a fringe national team player,” on Thursday.

SOMEONE IS WRONG. SOMEONE IS VERY WRONG.

SOMEONE IS WRONG. SOMEONE IS VERY WRONG.

Way reportedly took to the comment section of the piece, Twitter and Reddit to restate his objection to the four words of , “Fringe national team player,” to describe Union midfielder Ilsinho as he struck out at MLS and Journalists as a whole.

“Ilsinho is NOT a fringe national team player, he barely has any experience and will not be called up any time in the future,” ranted Way to the Twitter account of writer Quinten “@jeffersonMLS” Jefferson who logged on to his account in the morning after taking his daughter to school to see 46 notifications and two Twitter threads. “This is just an example of journalists without any knowledge of the game infecting the entirety of the North American soccer experience with their stupidity.”

Jefferson stated that he added the term to describe Ilsinho since he did play with Brazil during the Olympics and two friendlies, however this knowledge did nothing to calm Mr. Way or his plethora of fans that attacked Mr. Jefferson with ferocious intensity.

“If we cannot trust our so-called journalists with writing complete and accurate information on the franchises that they cover, then we cannot expect them to cover the sport objectively,” ranted Way in the Comments section of the piece. “This piece is clearly full of falsehoods.”

For his part, Mr. Way was unable to accurately point out any other of these falsehoods in the piece, but he maintained that the other 1996 words in the 2000 word team summation must be incorrect due to this blatant exaggeration of Ilsinho’s abilities.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Way criticizes Jefferson for incorrectly guessing the winning team of a Champions League tie.


Peter Vermes Issues Draft Order For Cauldron Members As Injury Crises Deepens

Kansas City, KS - Peter Vermes, today, issued draft orders for all men ages 18 through 25 as the injury crisis for Sporting Kansas City (SKC) deepens

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“We had to cancel practice recently because we didn’t have enough able bodied men,” stated Vermes to The Nutmeg News. “It is time for all true patriots of Sporting Kansas City to come defend the motherland.”

Virtually all male Cauldron members, regardless of where they live, whether documented or undocumented, residing in the United States, who are 18 through 25, are required to register with Selective Service. 

The law says men must register with Sporting Kansas City Selective Service within 30 days of their 18th birthday. That means men are required to register with SKC Selective Service sometime during the 30 days before their 18th birthday, their 18th birthday, and the following 29 days after their 18th birthday – that is a 60-day registration period.

“We will pull from our draft list and enter able bodied men with experience in the art of war into the lottery. There they will be assigned a number and from that we will draft men into the SKC Defense Corps of Engineers, the Overland Park Midfield Brigade and Vermes Forward Rangers,” stated one SKC insider.

Experts worry about the potential overreach that the Draft may create, but Vermes insisted this was the only way forward.

“We must defend our hallowed ground! Return, true patriots, to the land of your forebearers and pick up a shinguard and a ball! As George Patton said, ‘Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood'.’ We must not let the fear of not being able to play overcome the sense of duty to the badge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one SKC native considers dodging the draft by registering for a Canadian Premier League team.

New York Based Soccer Fan Adds "Supports Ajax" To Twitter Bio

NEW YORK - Friends report that New York based soccer fan Nathaniel Westover recently edited his Twitter Bio to include the phrase, “Supports Ajax,” as the Dutch team scored in their Champions League game against Tottenham Hotspur.

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“He says that he’s always loved Ajax,” stated good friend Dae-Kwon Kim. “I asked him to name two Ajax players and he said, ‘Donny van de Beek and I have to go use the restroom, hold on.’ I can’t wait for the answer when he comes back from the bathroom with his phone.”

Westover and Kim were watching the Champions League game between Ajax and Spurs at The Football Factory at Legends as Westover pulled out his phone and added the relevant information.

“Yeah, I’ve really always thought highly of … um… Total Footballl, so you can understand my affiliation for the Dutch game,” stated Westover. “I hope to visit Ajax in the future to catch a game, I’ve been planning it for the last few minutes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Westover’s banner reads “Supports Ajax. Supports Manchester City. Supports Dortmund. Supports Barcelona. Supports Rayo Vallecano. Supports Madrid. #MiaSanMia”

Tradition Of Complaining About US And Canadian Soccer Traditions Lambasted As Not Having Enough Longevity To Be Traditional Gatekeeping

The tradition of complaining about United States and Canadian soccer traditions was lambasted as not having enough longevity to be traditional gate-keeping as online commentators took apart the, “cosplay gatekeepers,” complaining online, this week.

”I dare say that you have quite put me out with these shenanigans.”

”I dare say that you have quite put me out with these shenanigans.”

“American’s truly are the worst,” stated British soccer fan Peter Yarborough. “They do not have the tradition, nor the longevity to perform gate-keeping appropriately. They think that with their silly accents and words like Soccer that they can then disparage their fellow citizens for being uncultured nobs, when in reality they lack the very basis that traditional gate-keeping is found upon.”

Yarborough pointed to recent complaints from, “football snobs,” that he indicated did not have the pedigree to complain about traditions in the United States.

“I’ve been a fan of FOOTBALL for roughly 45 years with my father taking me to Peterborough games in the rain when I was 2 months old and some bellend from Boston thinks they have the right to tell Minnesota United fans they are doing it wrong for singing Wonderwall. No. That is for ME to decide. And I pronounce BOTH of them to be uncultured and uncivilized monsters. The Minnesota United fans need to stop attending games immediately and the fans complaining about what they do at games need to report to Baseball re-education facilities.”

Yarborough went on to claim that there are no actual fans of the beautiful game in the United States and Canada.

“Americans are simply not built to enjoy the subtleties of Bovril, meat pies and football,” stated Yarborough. “Yankees should turn their attention to their own games such as Baseball or Basketball. You simply do not have the capacity to judge football or the people who follow football or the people who follow the people who follow football. You Americans who are cos-play gatekeeping something they do not understand are factually worse than the cos-play fans pretending to enjoy the game. You are all a bunch of amateurs and do not deserve the game.”

For his part, Yarborough went on to praise traditional British football values and ended by saying that, “all football in the United States be disbanded and all fans who have expressed anything about the game be horsewhipped in their town centres.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Yarborough trolls American soccer Twitter accounts by repeatedly stating that, “It’s FOOTBALL.”


MLS Charges Real Salt Lake Players With Entering Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Personal Locker Room

Sandy, UT - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced on Monday that they would be opening a disciplinary case against the Real Salt Lake team for entering Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s personal locker room in Rio Tinto Stadium after Real Salt Lake lost to the LA Galaxy 2-1.

(AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

(AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

“We simply cannot have an opposition team entering the locker room of one of our stars,” stated MLS Director of Zlatan Affairs Paul Phillipe. “The home locker room in Rio Tinto Stadium was dedicated to Zlatan as a personal changing room, and he was SHOCKED to find the entirety of the Real Salt Lake team within.”

Sources say that Zlatan was accosted by the sight of RSL players in various stages of undress as he entered his personal locker room after the game.

“His delicate sensibilities were offended,” stated one anonymous insider.

For their part, the league indicated that they would be fining the RSL staff and players for interfering with Zlatan and that they would have to perform a mandated 30 hours of community service.

“We must protect our assets and our Zlatans,” stated Mr. Phillipe. “We must ensure that this tragedy does not happen again. Real Salt Lake players were provided with a broom closet and a mop bucket for changing facilities. If they want to have something better than that, then they should figure out how to be Zlatan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Zlatan requests a separate field to play upon than the rest of the teams.

Furious Stan Kroenke Promises To Fire Assistant That Bothered Him About The Colorado Rapids

Denver, CO - A furious Stan Kroenke promised to fire the assistant that bothered him about the Colorado Rapids, this weekend, as the reclusive owner continued to promote his elephant hunting television channel in peace.

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“I did not buy these teams to have to hear about them again,” stated Kroenke to his butler. “I don’t care what Anthony Hudson said. Fire him and fire the person who brought this up.”

Sources close to Kroenke say that the outburst came from Kroenke being briefed on the talent diatribe of head coach Anthony Hudson.

“WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU TO MENTION THIS TO ME?” screamed Kroenke at the assistant. “I never want to hear about my financial acquisitions again unless they’ve made me pure gold bullion!”

Sources within the Rapids organization indicate that they will continue to be one of the cheapest organizations in the league as they find ways to continue to poison the dwindling well of local soccer support that exists in Denver and the surrounding area.

“With the resources that Mr. Kroenke bestows upon us, we are lucky we have vendors paid on time at the stadium,” stated one anonymous Rapids employee. “at this point, well. …ugh… look, just stick with the Broncos.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kroenke fires a Wal-Mart greeter named Anthony, just for fun.

MLS Commissioner Don Garber Weighs In On Reports Of White Walkers At NYCFC Games

NEW YORK - Embattled Commissioner Don Garber made a statement on the recent report of White Walkers and an army of the dead showing up in the stands at NYCFC games as a recent picture showed White Walkers at Yankee Stadium.

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“There are many fine people on both sides,” stated Garber to the collected reporters that the league pays to cover the game. “We aren’t in the position to police our supporters thoughts, nor do we have the capability to do so.”

Commissioner Garber was asked about the tendency of wights to kill all humanity and then enslave them into their army of the resurrected dead wreaking havoc and hell upon the world until no humanity remains as he stated, “Our job is not to judge or profile any fan. It is to manage how our fans are both interacting with each other and how they are acting in our stadiums. At this point, that is how we are going to address the situation. The last thing this league is going to do is start getting into profiling who people are and what their backgrounds are. That is a slippery slope that we are not going to engage in.”

“I can assure you if anyone is misbehaving, regardless of what their backgrounds are and regardless of what their political affiliations or propensities towards working towards the extinction of the human race are, there will be a zero-tolerance policy that we will continue to enforce.”

According to those at the game, Commissioner Garber and Major League Soccer security ejected activists who gathered in the stands to protest the presence of the White Walker.

“We cannot allow these people in our stands, they are calling for the extermination of the human race,” stated one anonymous NYCFC fan. “MLS Security took down our banner protesting the white walkers stating that it was against the MLS standards on politics.

However, several reports and pictures came in of the White Walkers making appearances on away games as the holy undead were spotted holding up banners that said, “Anti-Anti White Walkers” and “Killing Humans is a good thing, but not political at all.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer hosts an NYCFC Wight Pride Night

In A Desperate Bid For Relevance, We Made A Non-Nerd Write A Thanos/Relegation Story

INTERNET - So, um, Thanos is… from what I can tell…. a bad guy who is probably angry with something that has to do with a feeling of inadequacy or a dead sibling or bad parents. With a name like Thanos it appears that he is possibly Greek with a last name like Antippedes, or Sotiropoulos or Constantinides. At least that is what it seems like since my college roommate was a Greek kid named Theophilus (Theo) Tavoularis .

All you had to do was follow the damn train, Thanos.

All you had to do was follow the damn train, Thanos.

Being against the current order of the world, it stands to reason that Thanos Constantinides is a sympathetic figure to most who would attempt to bring Promotion and mostly Relegation into the world in a very real way. It stands to reason that soccer fans across the United States (but not Canada) would and should accept Thanos Constantinides as their natural overlord and leader.

If Mr. Constantinides is able to bring about Promotion and Relegation in the United States we must look towards him for a future plan for US Soccer, even if that plan is probably some bad thing that he planned from his fortress of solitude or wherever he lives that has some kind of snazzy alternative universe name like Athensdinium or Parthenonionium or Glendale.

Anyway, there’s apparently like 4500 hours of movies I need to go through in order to figure out this whole thing and I would do that, but I’m probably going to spend the rest of the weekend watching soccer and getting outside, nerds.

Anyway, Thanos Constantinides for US Soccer President.

Guys, I really don’t think this is funny at all. Is it because I’m new here?

EDITORS NOTE: YES.

Supporter Still Following 30 Fans On Twitter That He Dislikes

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) fan Oscar Sanchez stated that he is still following roughly 30 LAFC fans on Twitter that he dislikes as his inability to drop them from his social media feed lends itself to seemingly daily outrage and arguments.

“It happened again! “

“It happened again! “

“I don’t know why I don’t just unfollow them, but….” Sanchez paused here as he scrolled through his feed. “Oh, look what a stupid fucking take, hold on… I need to respond to this.”

Sanchez then fell headfirst into an online argument abut the validity of Carlos Vela’s move to Major League Soccer growing increasingly enraged with every vibration of his phone as our attempts at an interview came to a halt, immediately.

According to his girlfriend Carla Alonso, “Oscar is a good guy but he just gets caught up in all that… oh shit, what did she say,” said Ms. Alonso as she started commenting on an Instagram post and waived away any future questions.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we rescheduled another interview with Mr. Sanchez for 10:00 on Saturday, no wait… 11:00, no wait… make that… you know what… he’ll text us, yeah, he will text us.

US Soccer Announces US Open Cup Re-brand As Players Unknown Apex Legendary Fortnight MLS Battle Royale Soccer Tournament


CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation announced, today, a new re-brand of the US Open Cup to the Players Unknown Apex Legendary Fortnight MLS Battle Royale Soccer Tournament in an attempt to gain a foothold with the growing e-sports youth market in the United States.

NOW WITH TAURINE! AND BETTER RATINGS     ONLY ON TWITCH PRIME FOR 4,300,000,000,000 TWITCH BITS! YEAH!

NOW WITH TAURINE! AND BETTER RATINGS

ONLY ON TWITCH PRIME FOR 4,300,000,000,000 TWITCH BITS! YEAH!

“The tournament will have a structure that we’ve taken direct from the games that you love,” stated director of US Soccer outreach and President of Sick Dabs Joe “$h33p$” Budzinsky. "We’ve taken the battle royale phenomenon from such games as Fortnite, Apex Legends, and Player Unknown Battleground and brought it to soccer, that game you pretend to like once every four years if the United States make the tournament WHICH WE ARE TOTALLY DOING THIS TIME. We changed the names of the games somewhat so we can’t get sued and we want to announce this ABSOLUTELY NEW TOURNAMENT! GET HYPED! MOUTAIN DEW! CODE RED! THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS ARE INTO, DABDABDABDABDAB!”

Budzinksy went on to state that the tournament format would have only one survivor with your chosen team descending upon an unspecified and non televised location where they would acquire objects to help their game.

"Teams will land on THE FIELD and have to find THE BALL. We’ve instructed that THE BALL will be placed on the field somewhere in the middle and the team that acquires it will be able to use it against the other team.”

As well, US Soccer stated that they would stay true to the player unknown manifesto as they will not have a specific lore that surrounds the tournament.

“The lore is for YOU to figure out. IF we told you the lore then you would know the story and if you knew the story you might know the lore and you don’t need to know the lore. Like, it’s like you know, like um like the Pandaria stuff or something. Look, does anyone know what Pandas really have to do with the whole thing? It’s like Billy Gonsalves. Fans don’t want Billy Gonsalves news, they want some anonymous player from the Earthquakes doing the floss dance with strobe lights and $55 tickets.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the tournament stays literally the same.



Popular Online Soccer Analyst Unable To Get Soccer Job Due To Popularity And Analysis

Denver, CO - Popular online soccer analyst Peter Delomme beloved for his hard hitting analysis and take no prisoners style on the leagues in the United States and Canada stated that he was unable to get a job within the North American soccer industry due to his hard hitting analysis and take no prisoners style.

“Dear Diary, today I wrote and published an article read by over 20,000 people in about 2 hours that made me completely and utterly unemployable.”

“Dear Diary, today I wrote and published an article read by over 20,000 people in about 2 hours that made me completely and utterly unemployable.”

“It’s pretty ironic that the thing that made me popular online also made me completely unemployable online,” stated Delomme to The Nutmeg News. “I have no way of capitalizing on my popularity because the teams won’t touch me with a 24 foot pole and the leagues don’t need things that are inherently critical about their structures. As well, they don’t want someone who has a bigger presence that they can’t control.”

Delomme’s Twitter account has over 15,000 followers and his blog remains a popular staple of fans who still actually read however his hot takes on the overall structure of the North American leagues combined with his online efforts to shine a light on the murky side of North American soccer made him completely unemployable.

“I really appreciate the relatively high profile that I manage to have in what is still a very niche sport. However, the magazines won’t hire me because they are dying, television doesn’t need an analyst for leagues that register worse ratings than the DIY Network, newspapers won’t hire me because I don’t have the credentials and they are also dying, and the leagues won’t hire me because well… they only want mostly positive things that they can control written about them.”

Delomme stated that he would continue to sporadically write about soccer in North America as long as it entertained him, but he couldn’t lie about one aspect.

“All that has happened with following the growth of the game in the United States and Canada over the past 15 years is to make me a pretty cynical person. I’m thinking about transitioning my skills into writing about my other passions and doing more backpacking this year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Delomme forgets his password for his blog.

Football Manager Releases New MLS Single Player Mode

Sega Entertainment announced a new expansion pack for their popular game Football Manager game that allows you to play as one player over the entirety of his career in Major League Soccer and beyond.

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“Feel the anticipation on draft day as you are called in the 3rd round of the supplemental draft,” stated game designer Rick “SpazeMunky” Donaldson. “Imagine selecting the option to let your friends know that you made the provisional roster of the Colorado Rapids and then having to tell them that you are getting sent down the Richmond Kickers to play in the USL!”

MLS Single Player mode will allow fans to select, create and play as one player through an entire career in Major League Soccer, the United Soccer League, the NPSL and even possibly a few years barnstorming through the indoor leagues with the MASL at the end of your career.

“We offer fans the complete experience from draft day to the time you blow your ACL out against the Revolution on a field covered in temporary sod and that sends your player into a downward spiral of pain killer addiction that ends up with them playing for the Georgia Revolution in the NPSL. Eventually you can get your player back up to the USL where they finish out their career being a club legend for 2 years at Tulsa. It’s really a full experience,” stated Donaldson.

Game designers with Sega indicate that they will have an “existential fear” meter where your character will randomly start questioning the choices in their life weighed against their college degree. If your existential fear hits a high enough threshold your player may auto-retire during the middle of a campaign to sell life insurance in Albuquerque.

“We hope to cover the entire realm of possibilities from birth to playing one call up for the USMNT where you sprain your achilles during an unnecessary practice and return home to find out that your wife wants a divorce because you don’t spend enough time at home and fans are blaming you for accepting the call up because now you won’t be available for the next few weeks.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sega includes an option to just retire at 24 years old and become a commentator for NBC on Premier League games.

NWSL Announces Plans To Think About The Possibility Of Doing Some Kind Of Promotion Thing During World Cup

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced, today, plans to think about the possibility of doing some kind of promotion thing during the upcoming 2019 World Cup.

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“We are trying to figure out if we can pull off a think tank kinda thing from our current part-time creative staff,” stated director of soccer, marketing, social media, player health, franchise health, and promotions Heather Brandice. “It’s important for us to start thinking about thinking about the possibility of doing some promotion-like things in the future with a conceptual tie in to that other thing happening in a few days.”

According to insiders with the NWSL, the league is already planning on announcing the players from the league that will be playing in the World Cup and highlighting their successes during the tournament.

“This is going to be a brand new approach for any league,” stated Ms. Brandice. “We are going to highlight the players that we have and show their goals and results. This…. THIS will bring the fans to the stadiums and it requires absolutely zero cash outlay other than having to pay a social media person to aggregate this information.”

With the league venturing into this bold new territory, they still indicate there might be room for one more idea provided that they can first get a meeting together to discuss what direction they might consider going.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the planning committee to discuss the planning of the meeting discusses whether there’s any benefit to two planning meetings if the second planning meeting can somehow aggregate all the information necessary or if their should be an adjunct meeting to discuss meetings separately away from this meeting to discuss the planning of the future promotions.

Major League Soccer To Debut CBD Infused Players For April 20th Games

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced new CBD infused players for their upcoming April 20th games as the league dipped their toe into the ongoing trend in the United States and Canada.

CBD strains will originate with appropriate players from appropriate teams where local restrictions allow. Picture for informational placeholder only and not indicative of any specific CBD strain.

CBD strains will originate with appropriate players from appropriate teams where local restrictions allow. Picture for informational placeholder only and not indicative of any specific CBD strain.

“As we move into the new, new millennia, we are trying to find new ways to integrate our brand into the ongoing cultural zeitgeist,” stated MLS director of CBD, Vaping, and Tinctures Johan “BigPlume” Canavate. “We will debut a number of CBD enhanced players for our 4-20 games in conjunction with our new strain of Red Bull New York marijuana called KaKush.”

The league stated that while they will comply with federal and local laws regarding the availability of marijuana that CBD (Cannabidiol) is not a schedule 1 drug and available for infusing with their players to create a new experience for fans.

“We are finding that our CBD enhanced players give fans a more relaxing soccer experience while reducing inflammation that typically happens from the stress of a soccer game,” stated Canavate. “We are offering our CBD infused players in samples from 5’5 to 6’3 and will have a range of experiences for those of our discerning fans concerned about the overall harvest and origin of their players.”

Fans say that the new CBD infused players will not offer a euphoric “high” feeling, but more so relieve the pain edge associated with watching their team struggle with stringing two passes together on a regular basis.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as CBD Infused Players tie in with Carls Jr to create the ultimate…. um……….. wait… like .what? ok, so… yeah, like um……. How do I even … like…. WATCH this game, man.