CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation announced, today, a new re-brand of the US Open Cup to the Players Unknown Apex Legendary Fortnight MLS Battle Royale Soccer Tournament in an attempt to gain a foothold with the growing e-sports youth market in the United States.
“The tournament will have a structure that we’ve taken direct from the games that you love,” stated director of US Soccer outreach and President of Sick Dabs Joe “$h33p$” Budzinsky. "We’ve taken the battle royale phenomenon from such games as Fortnite, Apex Legends, and Player Unknown Battleground and brought it to soccer, that game you pretend to like once every four years if the United States make the tournament WHICH WE ARE TOTALLY DOING THIS TIME. We changed the names of the games somewhat so we can’t get sued and we want to announce this ABSOLUTELY NEW TOURNAMENT! GET HYPED! MOUTAIN DEW! CODE RED! THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS ARE INTO, DABDABDABDABDAB!”
Budzinksy went on to state that the tournament format would have only one survivor with your chosen team descending upon an unspecified and non televised location where they would acquire objects to help their game.
"Teams will land on THE FIELD and have to find THE BALL. We’ve instructed that THE BALL will be placed on the field somewhere in the middle and the team that acquires it will be able to use it against the other team.”
As well, US Soccer stated that they would stay true to the player unknown manifesto as they will not have a specific lore that surrounds the tournament.
“The lore is for YOU to figure out. IF we told you the lore then you would know the story and if you knew the story you might know the lore and you don’t need to know the lore. Like, it’s like you know, like um like the Pandaria stuff or something. Look, does anyone know what Pandas really have to do with the whole thing? It’s like Billy Gonsalves. Fans don’t want Billy Gonsalves news, they want some anonymous player from the Earthquakes doing the floss dance with strobe lights and $55 tickets.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the tournament stays literally the same.