Story From 2010 Away Game Actually Not Exaggerated

Portland, OR - According to fellow Timbers fans, Greg Ammerman's story from a 2010 away game to Crystal Palace Baltimore is still not exaggerated in any way as Ammerman's relatively boring story about supporting his team on the road droned on for the 61st retelling.

PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kl/6333557377

"It was then that I went to the Amish market in Cockeysville," stated Ammerman to a bored group of fellow fans that hoped he would pump up the storyline a little bit for this retelling. "Everything was very expensive, but the food was good. Then we had to make it out to Catonsville. And we did. And Ryan Pore scored first, and we thought we were going to win, and then Baltimore scored twice... and we didn't win."

Reportedly, Ammerman's dedication to telling the story as accurately as possible made the story increasingly boring, over the years, as he intentionally leaves things out that he can't remember as being accurate or not. 

"I thought this was going to be an epic retelling of a pre-MLS game away," stated new Timbers fan David Samuels. "Instead it was... well... boring. It's probably true, but I always thought things were going to be more exciting about those pre-MLS days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ammerman boils the story down to, "I went to Baltimore for a Timbers game and the Timbers lost."

Columbus Crew Expose 10 Fans To The MLS Expansion Draft

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew announced that they exposed 10 fans to the possibility of being selected by Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) in the upcoming Major League Soccer (MLS) Expansion draft.

The 2017 MLS Expansion Draft will be held at 2 p.m. ET on Tuesday, December 12.

LAFC may select up to five players from the eligible MLS pool. Only a single player can be drafted from any one club but up to 10 fans can be drafted from the Crew.

"Our business metrics require us to shed our fanbase in order to be competitive in the final year," stated giant asshole Anthony Precourt. "We plan on accommodating the wishes of our fans and trading them away from this team so they can root for LAFC. We are very thoughtful like that."

Sources indicate that LAFC is considering picking up at least one of the Crew fans in an effort to start out their season with a loyal fanbase.

"I can't believe that the Crew are looking to dump fans that are this invested in their team," stated LAFC owner Young Jeezy. "This is just crazy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Columbus Crew and Don Garber continue to figure out new ways to blame the fans.

Major League Soccer Working On Bans For Everyone That Had Fun At MLS Cup

TORONTO - According to insider sources, Ray Whitworth and the Major League Soccer (MLS) security goons are already working on handing down bans for excessive enjoyment had during MLS Cup which includes bans for flares, smoke, kissing, lewd behavior, flatulence, beer consumption, and celebration in the area of illicit activities.

"We simply cannot accept our fans having fun," stated Whitworth to The Nutmeg News. "We plan on banning at least every member from the Inebriatti and probably everyone from U-Sector as well. Hell, we might even punish the leaders of the Kings In The North if we are feeling saucy. It's important to let these fans know that they work for us and not the other way around."

It's also being reported that Major League Soccer plans on funding the new TAM influx into the league utilizing the fees collected from their mandatory alcohol and anger programs they require for reinstatement after a fan is banned.

"It's going to be a watershed moment for us, we are going to ban so many people after this one. We are going to make MLS great again one ban at a time and you are just fake news," stated Whitworth.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Major League Soccer creates an advertisement around the passion of the Toronto fans utilizing imagery from MLS Cup while simultaneously banning them like they've done with multiple fans in the league already.

Keep The Christ In "Jesus Christ, Dempsey, Stay On Your Feet" Campaigns Traditionalist

TORONTO - Soccer traditionalist Jason Marshall stated that he is keeping up his campaign to keep the Christ in "Jesus Christ, Dempsey, stay on your feet you diving prick," as he fights the encroaching culture wars.

"I'm a firm believer in blaspheming as it pertains to my families religion," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News. "My grandaddy said, 'Jesus Christ, Achtymichuk.' My daddy said, 'Jesus Christ, Chelios.' And I'll say, 'Jesus Christ, Dempsey,' as an appropriate swear to convey my disgust at their actions."

According to family members, Marshall was disappointed when he heard people cursing out Columbus Crew players using a variety of sainted deities without using the traditional blaspheming words of Jesus Christ.

"It's true, I heard call out's to Saints, Buddha, Gnisha, and Mohammed at the last game," stated Marshall. "And yet no one was yelling 'JESUS CHRIST, MERAM, YOU ARE TERRIBLE.' I was very upset and perplexed. This is what happens when we don't teach appropriate swearing to our children in school."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marshall attempts to sell signs stating his beliefs from his garage.

Roy Moore Funds U-15 Girls Soccer Academy

Montgomery, AL - In an effort to appeal to liberal voters in Alabama, Senate candidate Roy Moore announced his intention, on Friday, to fund and personally manage a U-15 girls soccer academy in Montgomery and Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

For God and Country.... and 14 year old girls.

"Part of our effort is to reach out to voters on both sides of the aisle," stated Moore chief-of-staff Rich Hobson. "Roy may have been banned from the mall, but not from the sidelines!!!"

"Statistics show that soccer is very popular with godless leftist communists," continued Hobson. "Thusly we are going to bring some of the love of the lord back into their lives with a youth soccer team that is managed according to the standards of the old testament God. It'll be about regional pride and subservience to your elders. Everyone should want Roy having a part in the development of their youth."

Moore, for his part, states that he will be hands-on in the management and formation of the teams stating that he would leave no stone un-turned to unearth talent from across Alabama.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Moore is still elected to the Senate from Alabama.

Sacramento Republic Fan Eagerly Awaits Being Told By Major League Soccer That He Isn't Doing Enough To Support His Team

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan John Stern stated that he eagerly awaits being told by Major League Soccer (MLS) that he isn't doing enough to support his local franchise in 10 to 20 years when the league attempts to move his team to Miami.

BRING IT HOME TO WHATEVER HOT DESTINATION CITY GETS YOUR TEAM IN 20 YEARS!

"Sure, we are making a deal with the devil," stated Stern to The Nutmeg News. "But I don't care as long as I get to see legends like Wondolowski in the twilight of their career. I'm looking forward to being blamed by Don Garber just like Columbus fans as the root reason why MLS decides to move my team in 20 years. I'm also excited to start over again with a new team in the NPSL, at that time."

As illustrated above, Mr. Stern has completely accepted that the move of Republic into Major League Soccer will likely end with a stadium extortion by Major League Soccer in 20 to 30 years that results in his team being moved and his children unable to watch the team he supported for five years in the USL.

"Look, I don't care what happens down the road. I'm just excited about having a game on ESPN in the next few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans all over the United States and Canada get excited about the possibility of entering the relocation and contraction sweepstakes of Major League Soccer.

Leaked Don Garber Speech Opens With, "Columbus, What A Shithole, Am I Right?"

TORONTO - A leaked version of Don Garber's state of the league speech shows that the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) will open his statement with the stanza, "Columbus, what a shithole, am I right?"

Sit down if you hate Columbus! Everyone?! That's why we are moving them!

Reportedly, the Commissioner then proceeds to lampoon Columbus in a stand-up influenced routine for roughly 10 paragraphs before closing that portion of his speech with the statement, "Take my Crew, PLEASE," as he completes a planned wardrobe change into a cowboy hat and boots.

Sources indicate that Commissioner Garber spent the last month working comedy clubs in New York in an attempt to sharpen his witty repartee as he moves alongside Anthony Precourt to rob Columbus, Ohio of the soccer club they've supported for 21 years.

In documents passed to The Nutmeg News, revision 2 of the State Of The League speech shows Garber planning on the press from MLSsoccer.com responding in a positive way to his comparisons of Columbus, Ohio to a destitute mid-western town living in the past as it contains the measure ** WAIT FOR LAUGHS ** as Garber makes an Alex P. Keaton reference to Reaganomics. 

"We are here for trickle down economics and we will trickle down all over the city of Austin," states paragraph 9 of Garber's screed against Columbus

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber and the Major League Soccer expansion board make certain to let Cincinnati know that this could NEVER happen to them.

Fringe Toronto Player Keeping It Together On Snapchat Despite Knowing He Will Be Released Soon

TORONTO - Fringe Toronto FC player Ethan Zeffers was, reportedly, keeping it together on Snapchat this week despite knowing that he will be released from the team soon after MLS Cup is over.

(FRANK GUNN / THE CANADIAN PRESS)  

Saying, "Yo! Yo! Yo! It's cup time," during one of his many video posts to the social media service, Zeffers was able to offer a perspective that wasn't depressive despite realizing that he would be moving onto his 3rd team in 4 years. 

"It's tough because some of us know that we aren't long for the waiver wire or the USL or the NASL," stated Zeffers to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "But we need to stay positive and keep up that facade until about an hour after MLS Cup where I can post about how much I loved my time here and continue working on my options as a 4th string defender for Real Monarchs."

Zeffers continued his wall of fake upbeat postings, this week, by taking pictures with the giant MLS CUP sculpture and various shots of Toronto while continuously talking about finishing the journey, a sly reference to him leaving the team rather than MLS Cup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zeffers readies his Instagram post about leaving the team, in advance of MLS Cup.

Hope Solo Setting The Stage To Pardon Herself

WASHINGTON - Insiders within the camp of Hope Solo claim that the one time US Goalkeeper hopes to win the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Presidency so that she can pardon herself for her ongoing domestic violence case and previous suspensions/infractions.

NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GettyImages

Despite being told that there is a difference between President of US Soccer and President of the United States, Solo was adamant that she was the one to lead the mostly ineffectual US Soccer Agency into the new era by first absolving herself of all the things that she did while a player for US Soccer.

"I will first terminate any ongoing investigations into any current or former players. We will also stop legislating morality onto those players significant others, husbands and wives.... unless I don't like them," stated Solo, allegedly, to a group of friends. "I will then expand the powers of the US Soccer President to include the ability to set rosters, set overall pay and distribute medical support for players that I deem as respectful to the office of the President. I also plan on investigating why I'm not the starting goalkeeper anymore for the United States."

Friends say that Solo will also expunge the time that she and husband Jerramy Stevens stole the United States team van during a January training camp for a joyride while Stevens and Solo were intoxicated resulting in Stevens arrest for DUI.

"I want a federation that is free for all people to do what they will with team vans," stated Solo, allegedly, in an oddly specific campaign point. "Players should be free from consequences during training camp. It is really boring. Also, I should be able to say and do whatever I want, that's what being president is all about. Make US Soccer Great Again By Not Investigating My Ongoing Court Cases."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 26 more people announce their candidacy for US Soccer Presidency in the last few moments leading to the person no one wants winning due to vote splitting.

Toronto FC Make Jozy Altidore's Ankle Available For Further Questions

TORONTO - After facing a barrage of questions about the injury during the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup press conference, Toronto FC (TFC) announced that they would be making Jozy Altidore's ankle available for further questions.

You want me to just put my leg up on the table? Would that help you out?

"We felt that the reporters didn't ask enough ankle questions of Altidore," stated TFC spokesman Doug Lewis. "We expect that another press conference of MLSSoccer.com reporters asking a player's ankle about the ankle's injury would help illuminate a few more columns on the blogs."

According to the pool reporters on site, they submitted questions after the Q/A was over asking for a statement on the weather from Altidore's ankle and whether Altidore's ankle was expecting to be kicked by Chad Marshall's foot.

"We need to get to the bottom of this ankle," stated writer for MLSSoccer.com Peter Oliviero. "It's very important."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Altidore's ankle attends the press conference in order to avoid being fined.

"Scarves Will Be Currency During The Coming Global Thermonuclear War"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Darrell McClintock of Harrisburg, PA.

"Friends and Fellow Nutters,

I write to you today from my nuclear fallout shelter that was just completed in the ground below my 18th Century house in Harrisburg to talk to you about the end times and how we will cope, financially.

That's right, I'm encouraging you to buy scarves! 

What?

Yes! At the end time, scarves will be THE preeminent currency during the coming global thermonuclear war.

Look at these smart financial investers.

PHOTO CREDIT: Vogue

In 2017 alone, famous clubs like Arsenal and Real Madrid have produced limited numbers of scarves that bet on hedge fund investing from football fans who are offering the financial infrastructure to support scarves and other tactile currency.

Gold is DEAD! Silver is DEAD! Scarves are the new currency! People thought it would be sneakers, but it will not be sneakers. The new currency for the decimated New Holy Christian Empire of the United States will be football scarves.

Yes, friends, as we sup upon the innards of the rotting, radiation sick animals in the fields of Danbury whilst looking over our shoulders for the ghouls incarnate who want to tear us limb from limb, we can wear our Atalanta scarf knowing that we can pay for some treated water that won't make us radiation sick.

Imagine understanding that you don't need to filter your pee and drink it, anymore, because you have a 1980's Millwall scarf that will provide for your family! No more pee drinking for THIS smart investor.

Oh for the coming times to arrive! Oh the Joy! Oh the passion! Oh the possibility of finding a can of beans!

Friends, I recommend that you diversify your portfolio into harder to obtain Eastern European scarves as the glut in the market in the Pacific Northwest will render MLS scarves into the Uzbekistani Som. You must trade in rare scarf fortunes before the market is flooded with pale imitations!

Yes, buy scarves and invest as the bubble continues to grow on bitcoin. When the EMP hits and the world shudders as 90% of human civilization and technology is destroyed, no one will have bitcoin, but you will still have your scarf collection and with that you will have class mobility. 

Onward and Upward, Friends! Invest in scarves! Save the commonwealth!"

Optimistic Toronto Ultra Considers Waxing Chest For MLS Cup

TORONTO - Aware of the fact that national television in both Canada and the United States would be broadcasting MLS Cup, optimistic Toronto Football Club ultra Aiden "scout" Pfeffer stated that he was considering waxing his chest for his typical shirtless goal celebration.

 USA Today Sports Images

"My nipples are resplendent and deserve to be seen away from my verdant and vibrant thatch of chest hair," stated Pfeffer to The Nutmeg News. 

"It's going to be freezing and I know that some people consider it bad luck, but I'm thinking of going for a good clean wax for this upcoming game so when Giovinco scores in the 64th minute I can just rip off my shirt without worrying about my current manscaping."

Pfeffer and his friends have long made it a tradition to rip their shirts off in celebration, defiance and drunkeness for TFC and this game is no different, despite the cold.

"If anything, the cold will really enhance the vibrancy of my nipples," stated Pfeffer. "We plan on getting shirtless early and often if the team provides it. This shirtless Canadian man isn't afraid of some cold weather."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pfeffer begins a debate about the natural fur movement and whether he should mousse his chest hair in stead.

US Soccer Fan Ready To Be Against Whoever Wins The USSF Presidency

BOSTON - US Soccer Fan Jerrod Van Hatten stated that he was ready to be against whoever wins the USSF Presidency as the simple fact that they COULD win indicates that they are part of the global conspiracy to keep soccer down in the United States.

"They all have problems," stated Mr. Van Hatten to The Nutmeg News. "I don't like any of them and no matter who wins, we are likely all going to lose."

With his naievete destroyed after finding out that the Iron Chef secret ingredient is actually not a secret to the chefs involved, Van Hatten lost all ability to argue positively for politics at any level.

"I've positioned myself to be against everything US Soccer because all I have is disgust, these days. I'm pretty certain that no matter what happens we are all going to lose, so bring on the candidates still affiliated with SUM who want to keep the status quo going. Let's ride that train to hell."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Van Hatten tries to nickname each of the USSF Presidential candidates before realizing he really doesn't care about all 8 enough to come up with ones beyond The Deep State, Big Hair and the Egomaniac.

Lack Of Supporters Group Recognition Upsets Supporter Who Doesn't Take Any Credit For His Work

Seattle, WA - Despite ensuring that he takes absolutely zero credit for any of the banners, two-poles, T.I.F.O, and merchandise that he creates, Sounders fan Zach Quisenberry was reportedly very upset that no one knows what he does in the Emerald City Supporters (ECS).

PHOTO: @ECSTifo

Friends state that Quisenberry overheard a conversation between two fans at the recent Sounders v Houston playoff game regarding their disappointment in the available merchandise this year for the ECS.

"I don't want any of the glory for what I do, but you should know that I'm singularly responsible for what you enjoy on matchday and the t-shirts that you are currently wearing were designed by me and my friends," stated Quisenberry to a group of new Sounders fans. "You need to understand the history of this supporters group to understand what the older fans had to go through in order to create the atmosphere that you so casually enjoy without a lick of effort."

According to surrounding fans, Quisenberry was asked, "Who are you?" and, "What are you talking about?"

The long time Sounders fan stated, "You should know," before storming off without giving an explanation.

The Nutmeg News caught up with Quisenberry today to ask him about the scenario and he stated, "I don't want any credit for what I do. I'm not in this for the fame and recognition. It seems like the new fans don't understand what we had to go through to get where we are today. They don't know our legacy. It's not our responsibility to explain that, though. They should just learn, somehow."

When asked whether he would explain to new supporters what he and his friends did for the ECS or what new fans should know about the people that contributed to the supporters group, Quisenberry stated, "Good fans don't take credit for things in the supporters group and we don't document what we do with journos." Quisenberry then stormed out of our interview and logged onto twitter to complain about the interview that he scheduled with our journalist.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Quisenberry is still very upset about the lack of recognition for his work

Toronto Staff Start Defrosting Frozen Reporter From 2016 MLS Cup

TORONTO - Staff from Toronto Football Club (TFC) began defrosting on-field soccer reporter Carla Overbeek who remained in a state of suspended animation within a 2 foot ice block after 2016 MLS Cup.

"So......... who scored?"

"We thought that since it was going to be Toronto v Seattle again that this would be the perfect time to wake her up," stated groundskeeper Tommy Maclavay. "The ice has slowly been melting over the last year, but when she comes out of it we are just going to slowly acclimate her to the fact that it is 2017."

Overbeek was frozen in a solid block of ice while attempting to obtain Greg Vanney's opinion on the first half of the 2016 MLS Cup game. Friends and family expressed concern about her condition but admitted they didn't know a better way to defrost Overbeek than to just let it happen. Officials with BMO Field stated that they finally put a heater on the reporter in order to get her out before another cold snap hits.

"We are almost there," stated wife Susan Overbeek. "Only one more week and she'll be ready to get back at it. Hopefully we can get her free before she gets trapped in another glacier like condition."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Overbeek finds out that she didn't miss much from the first game.

Desperate Fan Turns To NCAA Soccer To Stave Off Tremors

Fort Wayne, IN - Desperate soccer fan Ed Tyler sunk to a new low, Friday, as he planned to turn to NCAA Soccer in order to stave off the the Tremors that started happening after the soccer flushed out of his system Friday morning.

"I just need a taste, a fix... something to get me to the weekend when NBC shows up with some clean and uncut Premier League," stated Tyler to The Nutmeg News as he demanded more blankets from his recalcitrant cat Cristiano. "I'll just crush up some NCAA soccer and free base that tonight alongside some pizza rolls. I'll be fine."

According to friends, Mr Tyler increased his soccer usage over the last six months until he was using once per day. Over the past few weeks he started using twice or even three times a day as he went from MLS games to second division Argentinian league games streamed over Youtube live.

"He hasn't been the same since he discovered he could just get soccer all the time online," stated former friend Thomas Zubaj. "I had to kick him out of the house. He kept on stealing the laptop and would go off to a room or a closet to use soccer. It was getting so bad that he was even using at work."

For his part, Mr. Tyler stated that he sees no problem with using NCAA soccer to get to the weekend as he states, "I don't have a problem. I don't see why more people aren't concerned with Indiana v Michigan State. I tried to use synthetics to get off soccer, but it wouldn't take. I just don't get the warmth from FIFA 2018 that I get when I can ingest a Bolivian soccer match in 240p."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends discover Tyler passed out in his own bed after a 24 hour binge of soccer.

US Fan Unable To Pledge Support To World Cup Team Until 23 And Me Kit Arrives

BOSTON - Every-four-year soccer supporter Dale Smith stated that he was unable to pledge his undying patriotic love to any current world cup team until his 23 And Me kit arrives that he ordered on Cyber Monday.

Am I a Denmark fan? German? This box will tell me everything!

"My mom told me that her side of the family is Scandinavian, so I might be rooting for Iceland or Sweden," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. "However, on my dad's side of the family it is all a mess. English immigrants who had branches of the family from France and I have one great, great, great Grandmother who is Russian, supposedly."

Smith is a steadfast watcher of the important games for the United States Men's Team and was forced to find a new team when the United States bombed out of the qualification for the World Cup.

"Fortunately, like nearly every single person in the United States, I'm a composite of immigrants from other countries. That way I can root for nearly any country in the world and use the 23 And Me results to confirm that this is ok."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as his DNA testing kit shows that Smith is 16% African.

Columbus, Ohio Officially Out Of This Round Of Major League Soccer Expansion

It was announced, today, that Columbus, Ohio will not get a Major League Soccer expansion team at this time.

Custom built stadium for soccer in Columbus.

Four cities — Cincinnati, Detroit, Nashville and Sacramento — are finalists for the next two expansion teams, the league announced Wednesday.

The four teams will present expansion and stadium plans on Dec. 6. The MLS Board of Governors will meet on Dec. 14 in New York City to discuss expansion teams with ownership representatives from existing clubs.

Columbus, Ohio mayor Andrew Ginther has been pushing to bring MLS to Columbus with a stadium plan in place at the Ohio Expo Center and State Fairgrounds called MAPFRE Stadium. Its expanded capacity, about 21,289, is less than other MLS clubs. 

“On behalf of the Columbus organization, I am very proud of what we have accomplished on and off the pitch. We had an increase in attendance in 2013, 2014, and 2016 for our local soccer team which was more than some teams already in Major League Soccer," Ginther said. "I continue to have a vested interest in refining our stadium plan and other elements of our bid to make it as strong and competitive as possible, and remain in communication with Commissioner Garber and MLS. I firmly believe that this MLS expansion will come to pass. We do not believe that having two teams in Ohio is mutually exclusive and see our potential rivalry with Cincinnati as something that would be great for the growth of the sport.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Columbus, Ohio revises their expansion bid.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 26th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 26th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 26th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024, as well.

FourFourTwo USA Reassures Fans That Listicles Will Only Last A Short While Until They Pivot To Video Hot Takes

Online soccer publication FourFourTwo USA, today, reassured fans that their pivot away from in-depth written content towards listicles will only last a short while until they pivot to cat memes, video hot takes and personality driven 90 second take downs of global soccer events.

BEHOLD THE LISTICLE!

"THE WRITTEN WORD IS DEAD," claimed FourFourTwo editor in chief Richard Withers. "It's time for us to transition to irreverent cat memes and poorly constructed video where talking heads yell at each other about some stupid bullshit. That's what the kids want these days."

A number of fans of the online magazine were reportedly disturbed by these claims as they vociferously decried barrel scraping listicles about the "Top 20 most interesting East German defenders you never saw because you were born in the 90s" and 3 minute videos recapping absolutely nothing.

"I want content and the ability to read well researched pieces about the game," stated soccer fan Heather Wilson. "I don't need idiots yelling at each other and a website ranking the biggest idiots in soccer. If I wanted that I'd just listen to my idiot cousin Jeff."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FourFourTwo fires more journalists to make from for the Jeff Wilson 5 Minute Hot Take video series.