Hope Solo Setting The Stage To Pardon Herself

WASHINGTON - Insiders within the camp of Hope Solo claim that the one time US Goalkeeper hopes to win the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Presidency so that she can pardon herself for her ongoing domestic violence case and previous suspensions/infractions.

 NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GettyImages

NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GettyImages

Despite being told that there is a difference between President of US Soccer and President of the United States, Solo was adamant that she was the one to lead the mostly ineffectual US Soccer Agency into the new era by first absolving herself of all the things that she did while a player for US Soccer.

"I will first terminate any ongoing investigations into any current or former players. We will also stop legislating morality onto those players significant others, husbands and wives.... unless I don't like them," stated Solo, allegedly, to a group of friends. "I will then expand the powers of the US Soccer President to include the ability to set rosters, set overall pay and distribute medical support for players that I deem as respectful to the office of the President. I also plan on investigating why I'm not the starting goalkeeper anymore for the United States."

Friends say that Solo will also expunge the time that she and husband Jerramy Stevens stole the United States team van during a January training camp for a joyride while Stevens and Solo were intoxicated resulting in Stevens arrest for DUI.

"I want a federation that is free for all people to do what they will with team vans," stated Solo, allegedly, in an oddly specific campaign point. "Players should be free from consequences during training camp. It is really boring. Also, I should be able to say and do whatever I want, that's what being president is all about. Make US Soccer Great Again By Not Investigating My Ongoing Court Cases."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 26 more people announce their candidacy for US Soccer Presidency in the last few moments leading to the person no one wants winning due to vote splitting.