Inappropriate Suggestions Delay Creation Of Anti-Racism Banner

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan sub-subgroup, the Broad Ripple Ultras, admitted that their attempt to create an Anti-Racism banner against Nazi idiots/White Supremacists and in support of Charlottesville was delayed after inappropriate suggestions from Indy Eleven fan Bill Levinston slowed down work.

photo: @treyhigdon

"Bill... is.... well.... Bill is bill. He tries, but he is also a moron," stated banner designer Randall Ellis. 

Reportedly, Levinston's suggestions for the messaging on the banner ranged from the profane to the stupid as he continues to throw out disruptive messaging thus disproving the old adage that there are no bad ideas.

"First he asked, 'can we call them motherfuckers?'  But we had to inform him that, aside from the profanity, that some of their mothers are likely really nice people and disagree with what they are doing and are ashamed of the actions of their children." stated Ellis. "The same goes for, 'sons of bitches,' too. That's a preemptive veto, Bill."

Our reporters transcribed only one of the arguments from the design call on Monday morning.

Levinston: "How about, SUCK MY COCK, NAZIS."

Ellis: "No, Bill, goddamit, we can't put that on a banner. It's homophobic."

Levinston: "Ok, how about using Suck My Dick, instead?"

Ellis: "It's not the usage of Cock, Bill."

Levinston: "But it's MY dick, how is THAT homophobic?"

Ellis: "No."

Levinston: "Ok, I get it. What about, 'You can shove your Nazi salutes right up your ass!!' That would be great."

Ellis: "Again, there's nothing wrong with a bit a butt play, Bill." 

Levinston:  "But a whole hand? Come on, that would really injure the Nazis"

Ellis: "It's all about breathing, Bill. It can be done"

Levinston: "Ok, What about fuck you, you fucking fucks."

Ellis: "DAMMIT, BILL, SHUT THE HELL UP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Levinston continues to make terrible suggestions that the group ignores.

Las Vegas Man Unaware He Will Turn Into Raving Soccer Lunatic Within 12 Months

Las Vegas, NV - Gabriel Casey was, reportedly, unaware that within 12 months he will turn into a raving soccer lunatic that is entirely too obsessed with the game as his city of Las Vegas announced a USL team that will eventually become Casey's obsession.

"Nah, I don't like soccer," stated a currently apathetic Casey who doesn't know any better. "My friend James is into it, but I just don't see the attraction."

The friend that Casey refers to is 28 year old soccer superfan James Hemming who will play an integral part of introducing Casey to the game at the beginning of next season.

Our reporters spoke with Hemming about the new USL team in his area.

"I'm really excited to finally have a team to call my own. I'm totally going to get season tickets. I bet I can convince Gabe to come with me. It's gonna be fun!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when a paint covered Casey emerges from a hallway in 14 months with the announcement that he finally finished the T.I.F.O. that he painted for Las Vegas United FC.

Man Certain That Woman Who Won Premier League Fantasy Last Season Needs Some Pointers

Phoenix, AZ - According to insider sources, David Harrows of Scottsdale is absolutely convinced that 2016/2017 Champion of fantasy league Kanté You Hear Me Knocking, Theresa Stewart, needs some pointers as he laid out an unbidden player acquisition list for her.

"He actually said that I should consider taking Danny Ward as a goalkeeper," stated an incredulous Stewart to The Nutmeg News. "Who in their right mind would suggest some dumbass stuff like that?"

Reportedly, Harrows noticed that Stewart signed up for a third year to their associated friends fantasy league and realized that his vast encyclopedic knowledge of finishing in 10th place would give him the ability to recommend some player acquisitions for her, possibly over dinner.

"Theresa is great, really great... she just needs some points from someone who KNOWS the game," stated Harrows as he picked through his ruinous player acquisitions made over the past 5 years. "I feel like she could just benefit with some targeted instruction, and maybe some drinks at GypsyBar."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrows goes on to finish dead last, again.

NWSL To Implement Promotion/Relegation Just As Soon As It Finds More Professional Leagues, Teams, Players, Fans And Owners With Money

NEW YORK - A spokesperson for the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) stated that the league was ready to implement Promotion and Relegation just as soon as it finds more professional leagues, teams, players, fans and owners with money.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO 132 clubs in 19 divisions with amateur sides playing NCAA players, and reserve sides. Now they just each need an infusion of money, professional players and the ability to absorb the financial costs involved.

"We are ready to combine with the WPL, and the WPSL just as soon as they figure out whether they are ready to put millions of dollars into a professional team setup with travel, fields, and players that their ownership and structures currently can't afford," stated NWSL spokesperson Jessica Hanes. "We are also ready to implement full relegation all the way down to the USASA, if needed. Although teams relegated all the way to the USASA will be stripped of their professional status and shamed, as appropriate."

The NWSL stated that they expected to immediately reap a whirlwind of the millions of dollars that exist somewhere as soon as they implement promotion and relegation as hundreds of businessmen with those aforementioned millions of dollars are probably waiting for the league to announce promotion/relegation before investing their money to buy women's soccer teams, fix up facilities, pay players, and invest in infrastructure.

"It's just a matter of time before rich business people take their money and then invest it into teams like the San Francisco Nighthawks because there is a chance of making it to the NWSL level and have their team playing Sunday games on Lifetime," stated NWSL soccer player and part time Starbucks barista and Whole Foods teller Sandra Browning.

"Just imagine all that money out there. Women's soccer just needs to get all that money, and just as soon as the league announces promotion/relegation we know that rich people are going to buy all the WPSL teams. Maybe I'll be able to drop one of my two off-season jobs!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we will still be waiting for the WPSL to be ready in 2021.

Insider Sources Indicate D.C. United Is Tanking For A Chance To Sign Lonzo Ball In The Draft

WASHINGTON - Insider sources from D.C. United, a sometime soccer team, indicate that the Washington D.C. based team is reportedly tanking the 2017 season in an effort to have a chance at signing Lonzo Ball in the upcoming MLS Draft.

Coming to a half finished stadium location near you!

With united sending away theoretical assets like Bobby Boswell and Lamar Neagle for virtually nothing, our reporters reached out to the league for comment.

"That's not how it works," stated league representative Tonya Adams to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "They do know that, right?"

Requests to confirm or deny this information were not returned, however United (of the D.C. varietal) did reach out to The Nutmeg News and ask whether our publication was interested in the services of Bill Hamid and Travis Worra for the rest of the 2017 season.

Efforts to negotiate and secure the services of Bill Hamid as a reporter for The Nutmeg News is ongoing.

New ECS T.I.F.O. Design Will Contain Helpful Tips On Surviving A Nuclear Armageddon

Seattle, WA - Leaked information from within the Emerald City Supporters indicate that an upcoming T.I.F.O. design will contain helpful tips on surviving a nuclear armageddon in the case of either the United States or North Korea or China starting a complete nuclear war that envelops the earth in radioactive debris.

From: http://fallout-gravel-pit.wikia.com/wiki/Royal_Wasteland

According to our source, which will not be named, the T.I.F.O. will contain tips like, "Stock up on non-perishable food," and, "construct a fall out shelter with enough supplies for two weeks,"  as well as sage advice like, "clean water and sex will be a commodity, protect both with a homemade trebuchet," and other details like, "potassium iodide pills are totes sexy," and, "property rights will be a figment in the new world, cities will be death, deathclaws should be avoided."

The display, which is still in the process of construction, will be one of the most ambitious projects the Emerald City Supporters have ever attempted to pull off incorporating a coordinated demonstration that includes gas masks that do nothing, suits made out of Tyvek that do nothing to prevent the horrible creeping spread of radiation that blisters your flesh, and an erotic dance set to You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish our drill to duck and cover.

Dress Code And Bottle Service In The NASL As California United Aim To Be A Club

Fullerton, CA - Stating that they will be a club in the truest sense of the word, new NASL team California United announced that they will have a dress code and bottle service at their new location on the Cal State Fullerton campus.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR THE BATHROOM LINES!

"This isn't just about soccer, this is about a way of life," stated California United brand ambassador and SKYY ULTRA-PREMIUM VODKA representative Jeremy "Bangarang" Torviin.

"We feel like we can really show the United States what being an NASL club is all about, from the DJ's we have spinning top 40 remixes of songs by the Chainsmokers and Major Lazer to the bottle service and Saturday night foam parties. It's gonna be LIT!"

Reportedly, California United will, eventually, play soccer with the focus being on a very sexy and united (tm) party atmosphere the like of which hasn't been seen, according to Mr. Torviin, since Studio 54.

"We are United, we are California, we are a club, we know cliche brand statements! Millenials! UBER! TESLA! APPLE! SNAPCHAT! We will have both MØ, and M.O.! We will have a ladies night happy hour at the stadium and a cover charge to get in. What's not to love! Fullerton! Get your jock ready to have your face melted!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when United rebrand..

Columbus Crew Fan With Customized Ethan Finlay Kit Weeps Silently In Dark Corner As Trade Deadline Approaches

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan @Toddrick33 admitted to weeping silently in a dark corner of his cubicle as trade rumors swirled around Ethan Finlay, the only Crew player that @Toddrick33 deemed worthy of gracing his $150 authentic kit purchase recently.

"Dear god, why did I do that?" muttered @Toddrick33 as he realized that sitting at home was possibly a $150 poor decision that would soon become invalidated. "All I wanted was the kit of my favorite player... is that so bad?"

@Toddrick33 reportedly decided against the advice of fellow fans who warned him of the impermanence of MLS rosters as he boldly decided to get a custom kit of a player not considered a franchise cornerstone.

"I just needed something to update my 2009 Duncan Oughton kit and I thought Finlay was a safe bet. Then I come into the office and find out that he might be traded? Fuck this. I'm not buying a customized kit again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @Toddrick33 convinces himself that a Abuchi Obinwa kit would be a really forward thinking purchase for the time when the player starts getting game time with the Crew.

Detroit City Broadcast Turns Into 90 Minute Debate Over Faygo Flavors

Detroit, MI - The last Detroit City FC broadcast of the year turned into a 90 minute debate over the quality and delicious nature of Faygo flavors as a brawl broke out in the announcers booth that spilled into the stands over the purported quality of Rock N Rye versus Red Pop.

ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCK N RYE!

Witnesses say that the kerfuffle started shortly after the 5th minute of the NPSL semi-final game between Detroit City Football Club (DCFC) and Midland-Odessa Sockers Football Club when play-by-play commentator Neal Ruhl found out that color analyst John Kreger was secretly not a Rock N Rye fan.

The first clue came from an extended diatribe on the live stream as notated by the transcript from the game, below.

Kreger - "The Detroit back-line is looking a little shaky tonight, but you definitely don't want to shake a can of Redpop Faygo soda as it is such a delicious flavor of Faygo that anything being wasted would be a crime. I think Redpop might be the best flavor that Faygo provides."

Ruhl - "I disagree, wholeheartedly. Their back-line is good but they're just not anticipating the counter attack, nor are they anticipating the underrated flavor in Grape Faygo which I think would be a better alternative to Redpop and a 4-3-3 might be a better alternative to Detroit's 4-4-2. Sometimes the classic formations work best, just like the classic Root Beer Faygo, but we all know that Rock N Rye is best."

Kreger - "If we're going to discuss classics, we're going to have to talk about Moon Mist."

Ruhl - "Moon mist isn't a classic. What, in your opinion, is the Faygo El Clásico flavors? Can you even name them?"

Kreger - "We're not here to discuss Faygo flavors. We're here to announce a Detroit City FC game and enjoy a nice cold Redpop Faygo, which is clearly superior to Moon Mist and anyone who can't acknowledge this doesn't belong in this booth. I'll bet you can't even name players from 2 seasons back and you probably sit at home drinking Peach Faygo."

Ruhl - "No, I can't name players from two seasons back, but I also don't drink Peach Faygo. I drink Rock N Rye, because I'm not a degenerate from Ann Arbor."

Kreger - "Pineapple is better than Rock N Rye."

Fans below the announcing booth claim that they realized something was wrong when, at this point, Kreger was dangled out over the booth with Ruhl screaming, "ADMIT THAT RED POP ISN'T THE BEST AND THIS WILL BE OVER. ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG. ROCK N RYE. ROCK. N. RYE. ARE YOU FROM OHIO?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rock N Rye v Redpop debate rages on into 2018.

59 Year Old Soccer Broadcaster Continues To Use Baseball Language

59 year old soccer broadcaster Verne Stewart continues to use Baseball language in the games that he calls as he stated, "he's rounding the bases" while watching a soccer player make a run during his last game.

ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Here's David Villa with the swing..... and a miss!

"I call it like I see it," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "People need a language with which they can connect and I provide the verbal picture of a soccer game to people out there over the age of 50 who need to know what is happening in the game according to the baseball language and cliches they learned as a kid."

Stewart shoehorned in, "swing and a miss," as well as, "going to the bullpen, middle reliever, umpire, and closer," in the recent radio broadcast that he performed.

"I know that I don't understand more than one kind of descriptor," stated new soccer fan Tom Spanner, 62 from Fort Lauderdale. "I've grown to watch commie ball, but they can keep their language. It's a field, not a pitch, and they are wearing uniforms, goddammit. THIS IS MY AMERICA."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Stewart states, "That's a HOME RUN," during a goal call.

"This One Is a Goal," States Fan For 100th Time While Corner Kick Is Taken

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Browning reportedly nudged his friend Kip and stated, "This one is a goal," for a record 100th time as a corner kick was taken during the recent home game victory against the Chicago Fire.

Photo: USAToday

"This one is a goal!"

"Dave always does this, every time," stated Kip Pzyrnisky. "I've just learned to tune it out."

According to friends, Browning started this trend when he turned to a random person during a watch party for the SKC game against the New York Red Bulls back in 2013. 

"He said, 'this one is a goal,' and sure enough... Collin headed in that Zusi service. He's been saying it now on nearly every corner ever since," stated friend Amy Sanborn. 

Our reporters spoke to Browning who admitted, "They aren't always a goal, but I feel like they are a goal, so I'm going to keep this thing going."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we discover that Browning yells, "GET IN THE HOLE," while golfing.

Search For "Real Soccer" Leads Fan To Baseball

Tallahassee, FL - An exhaustive search for, "real soccer," lead former soccer fan Geoff Elder to the sport of Baseball as his endless critique of North American soccer finally sucked every last little bit of fun out of the game, entirely.

This is real, ok? Not some overly affectatious soccer team or supporters that try to copy Italian ultras. No, this is two women wearing oversized ring hats, with a nonsensical sign, in a mostly filled ball park surrounded by people who want to do the wave, drink beer, and talk about the upcoming NFL season.

"I looked over and over for real soccer in the United States and Canada with no success," stated Elder to The Nutmeg News.

"I knew I couldn't support Major League Soccer, because that's definitely not real. You can't be friends with anyone cool in soccer if you support an MLS team. Everyone knows you have to hate on MLS all the time, or you lose cool points. I couldn't support the NASL or the USL because those two leagues are both either part of the global USSF/SUM conspiracy against promotion relegation or painfully inadequate, teetering on the brink of insolvency, and filled with delusions of grandeur. I then took to the minor leagues of the United States to look at the NPSL, but honestly supporting an NPSL side is akin to pounding nails into your forehead. Most of the teams are terrible, the soccer is awful, the players are terrible, the game day experience is terrible and suffering through terrible referees on an awful plastic pitch in the middle of nowhere isn't a signification of real soccer."

Elder reportedly tried to follow a few teams across the United States in multiple leagues with limited success as he ranted in a multi-part tweet storm, "None of this is real soccer. None of these teams have been around for 120 years. None of these fans have any history. There's no realness to showing up for a team in a league in the United States and Canada. First you have terrible names back in the 70s, and then the teams followed that by appropriating naming like European teams. Both options are terrible. Everything is terrible. The San Jose Earthquakes are just as bad as San Jose FC, which would be just as bad as AC San Jose or San Jose United Clash FC. There is nothing real about soccer at any level in any league anywhere in the United States."

According to insider sources, Elder even gave the Canadian Premier League a try, but noticed that it doesn't even exist yet.

"Finally I just caved and went back to baseball where the tradition is real, and I can sit around without having to worry about the fact that I'm missing out on a real soccer club that is getting hammered with overripe contracts as it plummets in a free-fall down the soccer pyramid until it is bailed out by a multi-billionaire with shady military arms contracts in somewhere like Cambodia or Laos or Thailand. Real Soccer is defined by the ability to have multi-generational despair over a club as it fails, repeatedly, over the course of your entire life only to have brief moments of happiness as it chases promotion to a sub-par league before it fails under the weight of bad acquisitions that will doom it for another 5 to 10 years. Baseball doesn't have franchises, or weird salary mechanisms, or promotion/relegation worries. I can just sit back and enjoy the crack of the bat, the smell of the popcorn and the fact that I don't have to worry about there being a better league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elder just randomly picks the Yankees to support.

"I Just Don't Even Know, Anymore," States Vancouver Whitecaps Fan

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Stephanie Zhang stated, "I just don't even know, anymore," after the Vancouver Whitecaps lost against the Portland Timbers at home and then beat F.C. Dallas on the road.

Photo: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Zhang reportedly could not determine exactly whether the team is absolutely terrible, moderately decent, or just an amalgam of both options.

"I'm pretty certain this is just the league doing what the league does, but the whiplash is really getting to be a bit much," stated Zhang to The Nutmeg News. "As terrible as the Timbers are, I would have expected to win that game, especially at home. Then as good as F.C. Dallas is at home and in the league, I absolutely expected to lose that game. I'm becoming slightly numb to the whole thing at this point."

Reportedly, the angst felt by Zhang after the loss against the Timbers has only been exacerbated by the Whitecaps winning on the road as the 3 points did nothing to fix the confusion felt by Zhang about whether her team is actually any good.

"Maybe the Whitecaps are a Schrodinger's team. They exist in all states until I look at the team either in person or on the television. I'm just very confused about how bad we are... or good we are... or terrible we are... because I'm pretty certain we are terribly bad at being good, and the only thing I can come up with is that we are a poor to mediocre team playing in a mediocre league where weird things happen and nothing makes any sense. So I'm just going to go with that until somehow the Caps catch fire and we end up winning MLS Cup in 2017"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as that doesn't happen.

Mom Who Knows Something About Soccer Now The Unpaid Sporting Director Of Entire Youth Program

Plano, TX - Deborah Hagins, a local mom who knows something about soccer, has now found herself the unpaid sporting director of the Plano Youth Soccer League after informing a random parent that she has season tickets to FC Dallas.

"I just was making small talk with a random parent at my son's youth game and suddenly they informed me that I was in charge of the tactics and recruiting for the entire PYSL," stated Hagins to The Nutmeg News. "I was informed that my expertise and skill at assessing soccer would be utilized to manage the youth teams at all divisions, and that I would be doing this job for free."

Hagins is a soccer fan who attends FC Dallas games on a relatively frequent basis, but admits that while she enjoys the game, she is not a tactical master.

"I like the skill, I like the pace of the game, I like watching my teams play, but I'm pretty certain there has to be someone more qualified than me to run this program."

The Nutmeg News spoke with PYSL Ownership and Volunteer coordinator Paul Mercon about this new hire and he had the following to say.

"Deborah is a warm body that shows up on time, has children in the program, doesn't mind working for free and didn't say no fast enough. She is the perfect hire for us. We don't particularly care whether she knows the game or not as long as she continues to show up and we can continue to sign children up for $700 a month poorly coached youth soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Deborah asks for a discount on her children's monthly soccer fees and receives no reply.

Study Confirms That Thirteen American Flag Emojis Is The Right Number To Show A Proper Level Of Patriotic Branding

An in depth study performed by the RAND corporation showed that thirteen American Flag emojis was the appropriate number to show a proper level of patriotic branding as it relates to the Gold Cup final as teams across all levels of sport in the United States rushed to show the proper level of obsequious flag waving.

Two different approaches, but clearly the Galaxy are more patriotic than the Rapids. Almost TOO patriotic.

"We engaged a number of users from rural areas to tell us how much flag emoji is enough flag emoji to convey a proper amount of respect," stated social media expert and parakeet enthusiast Barret Hindhuser to our Nutmeg News reporter.

"What they indicated is that there is almost no amount too much to convey how much you love the United States, but there is absolutely too little. Using no flag emojis is a clear sign that you hate the United States. Using only one indicates you are afraid to stand up for freedom. Using more than one is really just a starting point, for some. And there were variations in appropriate usage based on the location of the people with whom we spoke. Users from Laramie, Wyoming indicated there weren't enough American flag emojis to make them forget this is just a bunch of commie ball liberals in big cities. However, most of our users respectfully overlooked that we are talking about soccer due to the national team trying to beat down some country they recently decided to dislike for whatever random reason they could cook up at the last second.

Hindhuser indicated that many social media professionals really went crazy on the American flag emojis with the knowledge that more patriotic emoji usage really would spur re-tweets of their patriot MURICA tweets, a desire that burns within every social media manager like an uncontrolled fire or gonorrhea.

"We know that excessive flag emoji use corresponds with re-tweets, but that overuse can saturate the market, as well. Therefore we advise against continual usage, but suggest frequent usage. In this way you don't overwhelm, but just casually remind everyone that your team account is definitely pro-USA flag emojis."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as financial managers recommend a hard buy on flag emojis prior to the upcoming World Cup.

Chivas USA Replacement Team Hires Former Chivas USA Coach In Effort To Avoid Becoming Chivas USA

LOS ANGELES - Chivas USA replacement team LAFC announced, on Thursday, that they hired former Chivas USA head coach Bob Bradley with the mandate of, "Don't turn this squad into Chivas USA."

Bob Bradley, the former Chivas USA manager, stated that he was, "Excited to get started with this mostly new adventure of running a second club in Los Angeles that hopefully won't dissolve into acrimony and bitter divorce, this time."

Reportedly, Bradley is looking at bringing back Sacha Kljestan, Jonathan Bornstein, Tim Regan and Ante Razov to flesh out his lineup, despite the latter being 43 and retired.

"Chivas USA was 11 years ago, hopefully no one remembers that," stated Bradley to our reporter. "I'm back to bring a new second, second (to me) Los Angeles club to a competent status before using this notoriety to replace Bruce Arena as manager of the United States national team after he fails during the upcoming World Cup."

Insider sources indicate that the order of succession has already been set within US Soccer as Bradley, Arena, and Sigi Schmid return back to the early 2000s with their success and failures.

"It stanks like 2004/2006 up in here," stated a jubilant Sunil Gulati as he drank limoncello out of the Gold Cup. "Let's start the cycle again. DO NOT BREAK THE CYCLE. Klinsmann will come back in 2024!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everything that is old is new again.

Mike Petke Press Conference To Be Released On Vinyl

Salt Lake City, UT - The, now, legendary Mike Petke press conference after Real Salt Lake played Sporting Kansas City will be released on Vinyl, for the Real Salt Lake audiophile interested in it.

The legendary press conference where the Real Salt Lake coach explained why he was thrown out of the home game against Sporting Kansas City has been remastered by legendary jazz company Blue Note.

"We took great care at ensuring that you really could feel the desperation during the free form piece, 'Trey, hand em out,' which stands as a monumental critique on the relationship between man, man, and printer," stated Blue Note curator Ambroise Stephens. "The content has been completely cleaned up, the tracks remastered and they are now available in the original stereo recording that we sourced from the various reporters on site. You can really feel the angst, the passion, the power that comes from the masters of oratory prose."

The record will be available in both a classic purchase and a collectors edition that comes bundled with a white button up shirt autographed by Petke and a print out of headlocks against his players that he finds egregious.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as audiophiles in the Salt Lake area line up for hours to obtain a first pressing.

Casual Indy Eleven Fan Moderately Certain NASL Hasn't Shut Down Again

Indianapolis, IN - Casual Indy 11 fan Paul Wyzoski admitted that he hadn't watched an Indy 11 game in some time, but that he was moderately certain that the NASL hasn't shut down, again.

"Look, I can't be 100% certain about this because I know that there hasn't been a game to watch for a while, but I'm relatively sure that the NASL still exists," stated Wyzoski to co-worker Amanda Harver. 

Wyzoski got into a conversation at his job about the games that he went to last year before being asked, "When is the next home game," a question to which he actually didn't know the answer.

When Mr. Wyzoski was then asked, "Does the league still exist anymore?" he answered with a faltering affirmative confirming that, again, he was uncertain of this news either.

"Hold on," stated Mr. Wyzoski as he logged onto his work computer. "Look right here, it looks like the league is on some kind of break. I think that means they are going to start again, or maybe that means they are figuring things out. I'm not sure, but I'm still pretty certain they haven't shut down again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wyzoski tries to remember to actually attend a game while he still has a chance.

Major League Soccer Bids $250,000 In Allocation Money And Corner Upper Deck All Star Game Tickets For Kylian Mbappe

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, launched a stunning bid for Monaco star Kylian Mbappe by offering Monaco $250,000 in general allocation money and corner upper deck 2017 All Star Game tickets.

Image - Reuters

"We are here to be noticed," stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. "Major League Soccer is a league of choice and we feel like Kylian would be a great addition to our squads based upon which team he is allocated to in the allocation process."

Rumors swirl that Mbappe, should he sign, would be allocated to the Columbus Crew who are currently atop the allocation order, but Commissioner Garber would neither confirm nor deny that.

"Kylian isn't going to the Crew," stated Garber noncommittally. "I'm absolutely committed to that not happening."

Our reporters spoke to 13 of the 86 owners of Los Angeles FC who just rubbed their hands in glee and cackled maniacally before quickly trying to figure out who would be responsible for managing the spreadsheet that keeps the allocation money totals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mbappe expresses his desire to only move to Chivas USA.

McDonald's Offers Major League Soccer 20 Billion Dollars To Change League Name And Institute Promotion/Relegation

NEW YORK - American hamburger chain McDonald's, reportedly, offered Major League Soccer (MLS) 20 Billion Dollars to change the league name to The Extra Value Menu, and institute promotion/relegation between a carefully selected grouping of leagues that represent the global chain's branding.

This is just the worst, by a large margin.

"We would purchase the USL, NASL, and NPSL as well," stated President and CEO Steve Easterbrook. "All four leagues would be combined to reflect our menu branding and all team names would be changed to reflect menu items. In this way we consider it a win for our team and a win for the fans long clamoring for their teams to have a path to the highest professional league in the United States and Canada."

According to the takeover bid, team names in Major League Soccer like the Seattle Sounders would be changed to Seattle Quarter Pounder with Cheese and the L.A. Galaxy would be changed to the L.A. Hot Apple Pie. This would impact teams up and down leagues as the New York Cosmos would become the New York McFlurry and the Sacramento Republic would become the Sacramento Strawberry & Creme Pie.

"Fans are going to love what this does for the team they follow," stated Easterbrook. "Imagine the Cincinnati Soft Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie FC taking on the Columbus Cone (Vanilla) for a chance at getting promoted to the McValue Menu. That's only one step below the Extra Value Menu, what an honor! It'll give an opportunity to battles like Duluth Parfait United to take on the Stockton Premium Roast Coffee in a battle to climb out of the Kids Happy Meal amateur league and onto the big professional stage of the McPick 2."

According to leaked documents, the league would also be required to have all referee's dressed as the Hamburgler and all balls to be decorated as a Big Mac.

"It's important for us to see vertical integration in our endeavors. We hope that all of you will turn out for the McDonald's game of the week featuring the Portland Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger versus the New England Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles at the vaunted 2 Sausage Burrito's field in Foxborough.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when McDonald's cuts us a huge check for all this corporate branding.