Referee To Blame For Team Loss As Well As Man's Divorce, Lost Job, And STD

Houston, TX - Esteban Dominguez announced, on Tuesday, that he was blaming referee Oscar Moncada for El Salvador's loss as well as Dominguez's recent divorce, lost job and STD as he railed against the Honduran referee's performance in the recent Mexico v El Salvador Gold Cup game.

"AND THIS IS WHY PAULINA LEFT YOU, ESTEBAN.

"Moncada is the reason for the El Salvador loss, and my divorce, and my lost job..... and I'm pretty sure that he is somehow responsible for that STD that I got from Isela," stated Dominguez to The Nutmeg News. "The way he called the game was complete travesty and I'm very certain that his style of refereeing not only cost Los Cuscatlecos the game, but my livelihood."

Desperate to blame anyone but himself and his team for their current predicaments, Dominguez went on a long winded rant against Moncada on his Facebook page that was liked by only 5 people, 4 of which didn't read past the first sentence.

"See, my friends agree with me and they all say that Moncada is to blame for the loss, and my crippling gonorrhea. At least five people know the truth, and I'm sure that more people will like this when they finally get around to reading the truth."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Dominguez's friends ignore another one of his nonsensical rants.

New Study Shows That Most MLS Teams Are One South American Playmaker Away From Being Competent

A new study by The Des Moines Institute indicates that nearly all teams in Major League Soccer are one South American playmaker away from being competent.

Like this guy, back in the day.

"It's truly amazing. It appears that nearly every team in the league just needs to acquire a playmaker from Argentina, Chile, Brazil or Ecuador in order to become immediately competent," stated director of statistics and numerology, Jan Stephans. "We aren't talking winning MLS Cup, mind you. What we mean is that your team, in most cases, won't suck as bad. We did a number of case studies with teams that have acquired a #10 style player from South America and most of them increased their chances of making the playoffs by at least 2000%. We are checking our numbers with a calculator to ensure that this is even possible, but it looks like it is true."

Fans across the league state that this just confirms their theory that all they need is more offense and that a playmaking midfielder from Argentina or Colombia or Columbia will fix all their ails in order to challenge for the 5th position in their respective conference.

"I knew IT!" stated Bill Evans of Minneapolis, Minnesota. "I knew that a playmaker is what we are missing. We need a true #10 from Argentina. I KNEW IT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all teams in the league try to scour South America and the cheaper parts of Europe for more offense in order to win every game 6-5.

Female Referee Strives For Equality With Male Referees By Being Booed For Incompetence Not Gender

Professional Referee Organization member, Angela Gutierrez, admitted that she longed for the day when she would be booed at a soccer game for making the wrong call and not booed just for being a woman.  

Bless you, referees. Bless you all for bearing our anger.

"I live in hope that when I incorrectly make an offside call that the boos and yells from the fans in the stadium will shower down upon me without misogynistic remarks," stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. "I believe that some day, when I call a foul, that fans will see competence or gross incompetence, or really anything to do with refereeing that has nothing to do with my gender."

The target of slurs and inappropriate statements over the years, Gutierrez admitted that she has a very thick skin when it comes to fan harassment. However, the 32 year old native of Oakland stated that she, "dreams of equality with her male counterparts in terms of the hate levied upon us after a game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Gutierrez makes a foul call in an NWSL game and revels in the massive boos and jeers that come in without any prejudice.

"It's Gotta Be A Liberal Conspiracy Against Christian White People Why I'm Not Starting For The First Team"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

To Whom It May Concern:

I must announce a vast LIBERAL conspiracy against God fearing WHITE MALE Americans, the end result of which is ME not starting for the first team.  I've been on the bench, recently, for the second team and the only reason why that could possibly be the case is that there is a conspiracy against me and my kind.

See how sad I am? SEE HOW SAD I AM?!

ME, of all people... ME! I've gone to the best schools, played on the best teams, I've ignored the best teachers, I've ignored any sense of empathy towards anyone disadvantaged that doesn't look like me. My family didn't participate in pay for play just to have me idly sitting on the bench in the USL. HECK NO. My parents didn't raise me to see discrimination against me everywhere to just watch as we lose 9-0 when I should be starting for the first team. Also, It's MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY KWANZAA, STARBUCKS! 

Honestly, I should be starting for the first team, not this USL scrub bunch. The only way to ensure equality for the Christian White Man is to ensure that we get everything we want all the time, like back in the 1940's. Remember those times? I remember reading about them online at storm tracking forums and they seemed pretty great because we told everyone what to do all the time and there wasn't any back talk. 

Anyway, we must work to take down the liberal conspiracy against Christian white people and ensure my rightful place starting on the first team.

Thanks,

Anonymous in Los Angeles

Newly Minted Red Bull New York Fan Promises To Be Caught Up On All Inside Jokes By End Of Season

NEW YORK - Newly minted Red Bull New York fan Andrew Edwards promised that he will catch up on all the inside jokes ever made by Metrostars and Red Bull fans by the end of the 2017 season.

"I've been in the dark when people make jokes about players, songs, and events in the past," stated Edwards to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "No More! I'm going to diligently study Big Soccer, Metro Fanatic, Twitter, and any listserv I can find on the internet archive and talk to everyone that I can so that I can learn all the horrible, horrible things that made this fanbase come up with these jokes as coping mechanisms in the first place."

Reportedly, the item that sent Edwards over the edge was a joke made about "The Plan", a reference to the 300 page plan by former Red Bull sporting director Ali Curtis, an event that happened 2 years and 6 months ago.

"I wasn't around for The Plan, so I ended up looking like an idiot when I asked about it," stated Edwards. "So this time I plan on knowing about The Plan, all the former Metro songs, and any jokes made about Lothar Matthaus who apparently was some guy from like 17 years ago? I don't know, but I'm going to find out and get back to you on that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Edwards realizes that there is no way in hell he will ever absorb enough to have all the inside joke knowledge at the ready.

Depressed Revolution Fan Spent Last 12 Hours Asking Rhetorical Questions On Twitter

Needham, MA - Depressed Revolution fan Hank Villanueva reportedly spent the last 12 hours asking rhetorical questions on Twitter after the Revolution lost to the Philadelphia Union 3-0 on Sunday.

Whatever I said against Toronto also applies against Philadelphia.

"When are the Revolution going to fix this problem," asked Villaneuva despite knowing that the answer was never. "When are they going to fire Heaps? When are they going to put someone in charge of acquiring players that knows what they are doing," ranted Villanueva even though he knew that the team would do neither of the things he asked.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Villanueva about his recent Twitter storm and he explained, "I just need to rant. I know the answers to all the questions I'm asking and that makes it even more depressing. THIS IS WHY TWITTER IS THE 7th LEVEL OF HELL. Why the hell do I keep doing this to myself? No wonder this team doesn't have any growth in the local community."

Friends of Mr. Villanueva stated that they tried to cheer him up but that he kept looking at the schedule and muttering about going back out to Foxborough again because, "I have to see this through."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution start winning again at some point, and a numb Hank Villanueva tries to become excited about the possibility of backing into a wild card playoff position.

Two Days Later, FC Cincinnati Fan Still Celebrating US Open Cup Victory In Nippert Stadium

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati fan Thomas Stephens is, two days later, still in The Bailey section of Nippert Stadium wildly celebrating the FCC victory over the Chicago Fire.

FCC! FCC! FCC!

"WHERES MY FAMILY AT!" exclaimed a joyful Stephens as he lit off another smokebomb and pulled off his shirt to start twirling it over his head. 

Friends and family of Mr Stephens became concerned when he didn't come back from the game Wednesday evening, but calls and messages were simply returned with a loud, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," signifying that Mr Stephens was, in fact, just fine and enjoying himself.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr Stephens for comment and he had the following to say, "WE ARE KEEPING THIS TRAIN ROLLING! I'll SEE EVERYONE HERE FOR THE JULY 9 GAME AGAINST RICHMOND! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Miami FC Deducted 15 Cupset Cool Points For Being A Very Good Team

Miami, FL - After Miami FC upset Atlanta United in the US Open Cup, they were informed that they were deducted 15 Cupset COOL Points for being a very good team.

Photo: Bryan Cereijo - Miami Herald

"Yes, it's true," confirmed Miami FC captain Mike Lahoud. "We were informed after the game was over and we were celebrating that 15 points were deducted from our Cupset Cool score for being a very good team. Apparently we didn't struggle enough, for the voting panel."

Reportedly, the panel of 10 men and women that judge US Open Cup teams on their Cupset Cool Status determined that Miami FC played entirely too well during their game against Atlanta United to have full Cupset Cool Status.

"In order to obtain full Cool points you must struggle," stated panel member Deborah Carmona. "You must have difficulty scoring, must be absorbing punches from the opposition offense like a heavyweight boxer on the ropes. Miami FC, simply, were very good, possessed the ball, scored goals, and so they were deducted points for being competent both offensively and defensively (when needed), it is as simple as that."

The Miami FC front office was reportedly shocked by this news but stated, "None of this matters as we are still moving on in the US Open Cup, and aren't you guys just ripping off Cool Spot?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the panel encourages Miami FC to drink more 7-Up.

Irate Ira Glass Gets Ejected For Profanity After Losing Ira Glass Look-Alike Contest At Detroit City Game

Detroit, MI - An irate Ira Glass was, reportedly, ejected from the recent Detroit City FC game against FC Indiana after losing a local public radio sponsored Ira Glass look-alike contest at halftime.

From: https://twitter.com/wdet

(please support public radio)

"FUCK THIS," stated Glass as he left the field shouting profanities in a machine gun fashion. "I drank 12 Faygos to try to fit in with this group and all I got was a lap full of vomit."

Glass reportedly went on a 20 minute rant that included profanity and language so objectionable that even the supporters group of Detroit City FC, the Northern Guard, had no choice but to eject the NPR personality.

"We can't allow him anywhere near Keyworth, anymore. He's ruining football, and that's something we really care about," stated director of cursing, Jimmy "The Goat" Burzinsky. "We enjoy free reign to curse, speak our mind, and sing our songs, but whatever spun Ira up, last night, was entirely too much for us to handle."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dawn Anderson of Lafayette Park and she stated, "I'm not a religious person, but even I'm ready to have him arrested and brought up on blasphemy charges for roughly 75% of the world religions. We even have a Jain follower in our section and she wanted to remove his head with a hatchet. Plus, he was CLEARLY the least Ira Glass looking Ira Glass in the contest last night. CLEARLY."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Serial comes to town to investigate the allegations of The Northern Guard killing football.

Player Your Team Is Going To Sign Is Terrible

Despite their statistics, their former team, or their pedigree, the player your team is going to sign very soon is actually pretty terrible.

This is called, "Scouting"

"We don't really expect much from them," stated an internal scout from your team. "We just need warm bodies, at this point. It's important to know that we expect to be shopping for this same position during the offseason, again."

Fans are excited after rumors leaked out about this new player, but the front office is nonplussed stating, "we are just excited to have something positive to talk about for once. This is really going to help our public relations more than our team. Hopefully we can get six serviceable months out of this player before the fans figure out that they are kinda shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the fans finally realize in two years that they are going to need another player to replace the player that wasn't very good to start.

Woman Actually Cares About Gold Cup

Kansas City, KS - Isabel Hendricks admitted to her friends, on Tuesday, that she actually cares about the 2017 Gold Cup as they relapsed into laughter at her admission.

(AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

"You mean the tournament that is won by the United States or Mexico every single time except for one fluke year," asked flabbergasted friend Stephanie Holman of Overland Park. 

"Why the hell do you care," stated friend Paula Sanchez of Kansas City. "It's a run out for also-ran players who are trying to make the World Cup squad while also not getting injured during a poorly scheduled tournament that doesn't have much value other than seeing if the C-Squad on Mexico or the United States isn't crap."

Reportedly, Ms. Hendricks had no rebuttal against these facts, but just reiterated her statement that she planned on watching at least one game during the upcoming Gold Cup, whenever the hell that is.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hendricks realizes she already has a work function already scheduled for the first two nights of the tournament.

Fox Soccer Cuts Print Journalism To Focus All Efforts On Video Of Skip Bayless' Top Ten Bikini Bodies Of The USWNT

LOS ANGELES - Fox Soccer announced, yesterday, that they would be cutting print journalism and firing all their current reporters in order to focus all their efforts on a video of Skip Bayless top ten bikini bodies of the United States Women's National Team, for the upcoming Women's World Cup.

THE HIGHEST JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS

"We hired the best video editors from the business intern school of DePaul and we scoured Buzzfeed for the best headline creators," stated FOX director of Slammin Bodies and Gym Life, Dutch "Hands" Peterson. "Nobody reads articles anymore. We are all just out here for that video life and the sweet dap of finding your favorite soccer players half nude. We know that branding our USWNT story with Skip's legendary hot takes will make people melt inside. Just imagine Skip Bayless yelling over the prone, bikini-clad figure of Alex Morgan! INSTANT WINNER."

Fox let several of their long time journalists and editors go yesterday after telling them that they would not be necessary on their new direction. Reportedly, they did offer an executive writer position for any woman journalist on their team that would be willing to pose for their upcoming calendar, "Colin Cowherd's Fox Soccer Hot Women Of Journalism".

Our sources tell us that all departing women turned the network down.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fox Soccer releases their first video, "How to please your man in bed, and nutmeg your opponent while half naked.

San Jose Earthquakes Fire And Then Re-Hire Dom Kinnear

San Jose, CA - The San Jose Earthquakes, today, announced that they fired head coach Dom Kinnear stating, "We wish Dom all the best in his career. He will always be an Earthquakes legend and we don't take this decision lightly. Thanks, Dom."

The once and future king.

The Earthquakes also announced that they were appointing Earthquakes legend Dom Kinnear as head coach.

"Dom is an Earthquakes legend and we are happy to bring him back into the fold," stated Earthquakes president Tom Fox.

The former Earthquakes manager and assistant manager from 2001 to 2005 is reportedly excited for another opportunity to coach the Earthquakes stating, "When I got the call this morning telling me that I was fired, I was sad. Then I got the call 15 minutes later telling me that I was hired to be the head coach of the Earthquakes, again. I couldn't be happier with how the whole thing worked out and I'm ready to get started."

Kinnear expressed that he is interested in bringing his philosophy of soccer to the Earthquakes and taking them to a new level.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kinnear deploys Wondolowski as a fullback.

Unable To Find Fabled PATH Train, NYCFC Fans Homestead In The New Jersey

Harrison, NJ - Unable to find the fabled PATH train back home, NYCFC fans left in Harrison were starting to homestead in The New Jersey by opening up an artisinal pour over coffee shop, a restaurant that only serves different kinds of handmade pasta and a zine store that focuses on publications that review record needles.

NYCFC fan Caroline Appleton and her three children, Tommy, Patrick, and David outside their Harrison estate after the game.

"If I wanted to take the PATH train, I'd have been a Red Bulls fan from the start" stated NYCFC fan Dominic Grazziano. "I don't know how any of this shit works. Is it still a subway? How does it cross state lines? Do I pay more? Is the entrance below grounds? What happens when we go under the river? Is this like going to Brooklyn?"

Grazziano was later seen negotiating on the lease for a Sbarro franchise in the outer Harrison area.

NYCFC fan Sandra Gutierrez admitted that she would miss her home country of Queens, but stated, "I can't figure out where the PATH starts or ends, so I'm just going to stay here, for now. The New Jersey is a fascinating place. It feels very close, but so far away. I don't know how the PATH train works so this is the first time I've been here. This'll work out, or I'll figure out whether Uber has a ride for me back into Manhattan so I can get a subway back home."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as stranded NYCFC fans build a golden idol to Ben Sweat.

ESPN Sideline Reporter Caleb Porter Lobbies For Timbers Coaching Position

Portland, OR - ESPN Sideline reporter Caleb Porter lobbied for the Timbers head coaching position after the Portland Timbers gave up a 2-1 lead against 10 man Seattle Sounders on Sunday night to a late Clint Dempsey header.

"I can do better than the guy in charge. Trust me."

Stating, "They showed a lack of killer instinct and they got punished again," Porter stated that he was interested in taking over the head coaching position from, "whomever it is that is running that team."

"When I look at how they played after they gave up the goal, that's how they should play every game for 90 minutes," Porter said. "But when the pressure tightened up in the second half, they didn't manage the game well." 

Blaming the players as well as the staff, Porter indicated that he would gladly step away from his position reporting for ESPN on the sidelines if the Timbers would give him a chance to be a head coach.

"This is a pivotal moment," Porter said. "After the Timbers look in the mirror and they look at that second half and they realize it's not good enough, it can be a turning point, a stepping stone, or it's going to be a stumbling block. It's very clear that they need a change at the head coaching position and I'm the man for the job. I can bring discipline and order to this team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Porter gets transferred to Fox Soccer to report on the World Cup.

Woman Swears She Won't Date Within The Supporters Group, Again

Portland, OR - Thorns fan Sandra Hoang swore up and down to her friends that she won't date within the Rose City Riveters again, for the second time, as she stewed about a recent breakup and the realization of seeing her ex-girlfriend nearly every single weekend for possibly the rest of her sports fandom.

AP Photo/Don Ryan

"I'm done! I'm DONE," stated Hoang to friends as she lied through her teeth about not dating within the sphere of soccer supporters that she knows. "I just refuse to fall for someone again that is a Thorns Fan. There's no way this is going to happen again, the breakups are just too hard. I don't need to see them every weekend, and then at every USWNT game, and every watch party, and Timbers games, and charity events"

As Hoang lied to her friends about not dating within the supporters group again, she mentally calculated the number of hours she spends on the weekends attending Thorns games and tried to figure out a time where she would go on a casual date on the weekend.

"I have other interests, I can find someone outside the soccer scene in Portland," muttered Hoang to her friends who consoled her over her recent break up with extra beers. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hoang states that when she is ready to get back to dating she is going to find someone outside her circle of friends...... as long as they really like soccer.

Heineken Rivalry Week To Showcase League's Fiercest Rivalry As David Beckham Takes On The City Of Miami

Miami, FL - David Beckham versus The City Of Miami will showcase Major League Soccer's (MLS) annual Heineken Rivalry Week as the league finally kicks into mid-season form.

This moment was roughly 483 years ago, in league time.

"We are excited to see the 95 Derby take place as David will continue his pressure on the City Of Miami to give him land," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbott. "We all hope for a pulsating affair that has supporters on both sides gasping for air and city subsidies."

Sources within the league state that the rumored suspension of Beckham and associates will not come to fruition and that all members in the tie will be available to play.

"DAVID WILL NOT BE SUSPENDED BY THE MLS DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE. THAT....... IS NOT A FOUL! GOOD CALL," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Miami fan Jessica Davidson who had the following to say, "Soccer? Y'all are playing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a yellow is shown to Beckham within the first 45 minutes putting the game at risk.

With Five Minutes Til Game Time, Man Just Needs To Figure Out If He Can Stream Game After Inviting Friends Over

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan David Adams admitted that with just five minutes til the Columbus Crew play Atlanta United on the road that he needed a few more minutes to find a stream and figure out a way to get it on the television after inviting friends over to his apartment to watch the game.

Everyone, GATHER AROUND!

"Does anyone have a laptop with an HDMI port?" exclaimed Adams to a group of friends milling around his living room snacking on chips. "Look, we need to figure this out or we aren't going to be able to watch anything."

An avowed cord cutter, Adams admits that live sports are typically the hardest thing to watch, but he manages to follow each away Crew game by a variety of methods that are not conducive to a thriving party.

"Ok, if this doesn't work I'm going to need everyone to gather around my laptop that I have in my bedroom because the wireless isn't working right now," stated Adams as his guests began to figure out how to leave without him recognizing their departure.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams realizes that his laptop speakers aren't loud enough to carry the game commentary and begins to apologize to his friends for, "the situation."

"I'll Always Remember Christos FC Just Like That Other Team From... Um... Whenever"

"I'll always remember Christos FC for their Cinderella like run that touched the very hearts and memories of me forever until I finish this next beer."

Christos FC, and um... all those other famous, um.... amateur sides that did stuff.

"Their play reminded me of the old times from a couple years ago when that team that had that one guy on it did that thing that I can't really remember. It reminded me of the runs of those other teams from the other tournaments, like um...... Almagamated Steel? That's a team right? I don't know, I don't have the youtube." - Dale Carnegie - 63 - Boston, MA

Jeff Sessions Shows Up To Senate Testimony Wearing S.S. Lazio Scarf

WASHINGTON - Attorney General of the United States Jeff Sessions showed up to his testimony in front of the Senate wearing an S.S. Lazio scarf as the flabbergasted Senate grilled Sessions over his knowledge of the firing of former F.B.I. Director James Comey and Russian interference into the 2016 Presidential Election.

"I don't recall," stated Sessions when asked about the scarf. "It may have been a gift, I'm not certain, but it is a fine scarf, I do declare. And I do quite like this eagle and S.S. thing, I say, I say."

Sessions was asked, point blank, by Oregon Senator Ron Wyden about whether he was involved in the legendary right wing Lazio supporters group Irriducibili, but Sessions demurred stating, "No statement, I'm not certain what I can say about that until I check to see whether that would be damaging to myself to say that I may or may not be involved in any activities involved in these kind of ideas or things to say."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sessions salutes the Senate as he leaves.