New Study Shows That Most MLS Teams Are One South American Playmaker Away From Being Competent

A new study by The Des Moines Institute indicates that nearly all teams in Major League Soccer are one South American playmaker away from being competent.

Like this guy, back in the day.

Like this guy, back in the day.

"It's truly amazing. It appears that nearly every team in the league just needs to acquire a playmaker from Argentina, Chile, Brazil or Ecuador in order to become immediately competent," stated director of statistics and numerology, Jan Stephans. "We aren't talking winning MLS Cup, mind you. What we mean is that your team, in most cases, won't suck as bad. We did a number of case studies with teams that have acquired a #10 style player from South America and most of them increased their chances of making the playoffs by at least 2000%. We are checking our numbers with a calculator to ensure that this is even possible, but it looks like it is true."

Fans across the league state that this just confirms their theory that all they need is more offense and that a playmaking midfielder from Argentina or Colombia or Columbia will fix all their ails in order to challenge for the 5th position in their respective conference.

"I knew IT!" stated Bill Evans of Minneapolis, Minnesota. "I knew that a playmaker is what we are missing. We need a true #10 from Argentina. I KNEW IT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all teams in the league try to scour South America and the cheaper parts of Europe for more offense in order to win every game 6-5.